And Hope to Die

A/N: The part near the end was largely written by a letter I commissioned by FatesRedThread on Etsy!

Jun woke up alone the following days of her recovery. She hadn't seen Hawks since sharing the night with him, but she would occasionally sense his presence. The scent of his feathers lingered on her body and sheets. Her water bottle would mysteriously be refilled, or a box of sweets would be placed on the nightstand which weren't there before. It was Hawks' personal way of taking care of Jun while he was away. And yet, something felt off about it, as if he were actively avoiding her.

That next week, her energy had returned fill swing. Jun cheered to herself upon standing up on her own again, her fists raised high in the air in triumph. Her elated mood convinced her to pay Hawks' kindness forward by taking care of him for a change, and what better way to achieve that by learning to cook his favorite food?

As snow pattered gently across the late afternoon sky, the smell of chicken filled the room as Jun wrapped everything and prepared to place it in a fridge with a note. She blushed, imagining the look on his face upon coming home to a fresh home cooked meal just for him.

The sound of wings beating caught Jun's attention as she turned around and found Hawks already landing in the next room. He wandered to the kitchen, his head downcasted. His eyes were covered by his visors, casting a looming shadow over his face. His lips were already turned in a gentle frown as he looked up, freezing in place as he spotted Jun.

"Oh," he said, taken aback to see Jun moving on her own, not prepared for the moment to come so quickly. He looked at her with an anxious glint in his eyes. "Hey. Glad to see you up again. You alright?"

"Hey, you're home early! I'm better than ever," she beamed happily, eyes shut in glee. "Check this out! I tried my luck at cooking. Are you feeling daring today?"

The unusual silence convinced Jun to open her eyes in confusion, taking a good look at Hawks for the first time that week. His light brown jacket was buttoned all the way up, effectively concealing his mouth as his head dipped forward and gripped at the buttons so tightly that his gloves grew taut, his heavy eyes downcasted while doing so.

He watched the proud grin on her face begin to falter, fueling Hawks' increasingly foreboding demeanor. By all accounts, Hawks would have been ecstatic – completely overjoyed with Jun taking charge with her newfound love in the world. In any other life, he would have been happy. But the savory aroma of the chicken only magnified the dread in the pit of his stomach.

Hawks' grim demeanor almost scared Jun. She had never seen him so sullen and distant. Usually, to calm his nerves or lighten the mood, he'd make a sly comment or crack some joke usually by her expense. But this time was different. There was nothing funny about this.

"H-hey, if you're not hungry, that's fine," Jun offered, brows furrowed out of nerves as she set the plate on the counter. "Is everything… okay?"

Hawks' teeth clenched behind his collar at her tone. He was painfully aware of what had to be done. Before Jun met him, she stayed put in her own safe little bubble, away from harm. Ever since she met him, he had put her in more danger than any villain ever could. He inwardly cringed at the notion. If he did this now, at least he would know Jun would stay hidden when everything with the League bubbled to the surface. If he were vigilant enough, which he couldn't afford not to be, Hawks could prevent the full-scale attack from occurring at all. But the winged hero wasn't perfect. This was the best chance, the most drastic way of keeping Jun, and everyone, safe.

But he knew she was strong. Jun would be okay, he bargained with himself. He needed to be strong, too. He just had to.

He had to…

Jun took Hawks' sullen demeanor as an extra rough day at work. The sudden presence of the uplift in her tone pulled Hawks from his thoughts. "Um, I'm guessing you had a long day. Honestly? This is going to sound really cheesy, but I just wanted to throw this for you to express how much of an impact you've made on my life. You really are my hero. I hope you know that."

Hawks watched Jun's hands fidget together, the blush rising on her cheeks as her downcasted eyes peered back up at him. "And for what it's worth, thank you… for showing me how it feels to love again."

His heart shattered in that instant.

Jun's expression fell as she watched Hawks lift his visor from his face and dropped it carelessly with his arms at his side, revealing a fragile spirit on the verge of shattering. His lips and eyes trembled, clearly struggling with the effort of holding back tears. His feet advanced him forward, as if acting on their own accord. Jun took a step back as he paused in front of her, head hung low, as trembling hands gently cupped both her cheeks, pressing his forehead against hers tenderly.

"Baby…" he managed through gritted teeth, only for tears to well up and cloud the corners of his vision upon finally peeking up at her and damning himself for doing so. "Please understand."

"Understand… what?"

"This is me," he chuckled unfittingly at the dire situation he realized he had put Jun in, releasing her face while an eager hand raised to hastily comb through his messy blond curls out of sheer nerves. "This is all because of me. D-damn it…"

A throbbing ache in Jun's chest overpowered her senses as a deeply rooted dread began to set in, combating the utter frustration about how he still actively hid things from her. "Wait a minute, hold on. We can figure this out. We can make this work if you just get to the point!"

His mind and body screamed at him. The aching of his heart was almost too much to bear. The guilt and shame that he had unknowingly caused Jun was a weight that defied the boundaries of his physical being. To think he'd almost lost her. He couldn't go through that again.

Hawks knew it was wrong, dating her when his job was so dangerous, but he couldn't help it. Jun brought a light to his life that he never knew he needed. He needed this, but more importantly, he needed her to be okay. There was only one way to protect Jun, Hawks' mind implored him as tears threatened to vacate his eyes.

"This is my fault. I let it go this far. You're taking the world's biggest risk being with me. I can't let us keep doing this."

Jun glanced up, confused at his complete change in demeanor. When her brow furrowed, something shifted in her partner's eyes. "H-Hawks… you can't be saying?" The pure fragility in her tone only made it harder for him to keep it together.

Grabbing his visors, he turned toward the window, his wings facing her. They drooped lower than they had ever been, almost lifeless. "You can have the house. It's yours."

"Wait, I don't understand!" Jun implored, taking a step forward. "Where'd this even come from?!" Her eyes darted across the floor, trying desperately to make sense of it. "Is this… do I make you… unhappy…?"

She watched with blurred vision as his head lowered, sight averted to the floor. "It isn't that," he mumbled, slowly turning and looking up to Jun with something that resembled a sad grin on his face. His voice was soft, and seemed oddly…. vacant. "I can't always be there to protect you. At least this way, you'll stay safe. Besides, you know what I did. There's no way I can be forgiven after that."

"Hawks, no, I don't understand. What are you talking about? What did you do? Hawks? Hawks!"

"Take care," he said in a voice she did not recognize. Without another word uttered, Hawks was gone, bolted out of the window, likely for the very last time.

"I…" Jun's heart screamed in her chest, her face drained of its color as she felt the world close in on her. "S-so what? It'll all just go back to how it was before. It's fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm…"

The staggering pounding against her chest replaced Jun's baseless chants. A single tear vacated her eye… differently. Painfully it leaked from one eye, as if being forced out prematurely, and rolled in one thin stream down Jun's cheek, her eyes widened in astonishment. She was physically and emotionally unable to process what Hawks had just done to her. He was so quick to escape. So eager to abandon her, just like…

A blunt force struck Jun's heart like an imposing stack of bricks. It consumed her heart before spreading further, until the searing pain reached her lungs. In an instant she felt as though she were being dragged and held underwater, taking quick, shallow breaths while clutching blindly at her chest. What was happening?

Everywhere felt numb, barring the suffocating weight over her chest. The single line of tears told one emotion; the confused twisting of her brows told another. Jun's agonizingly tight, barred teeth rivaled the compressed, almost angry squeezing of her whitened knuckles.

"N-n…not again…!"

During his long flight with no destination, civilians pointed in awe at the cloudy night sky as Hawks passed them by, too quick to discern his current state. The sidewalks were littered with small feathers from the most coveted pro hero as he glided stiffly above them.

As he flew, blind to the outside world around him, Hawks' teeth clenched tight like a vice. His eyebrows were furrowed painfully in sorrow, his twitching eyes were creased shut; the only thing he allowed out were pants of heartbreak over what he absolutely had to do in order to protect Jun and everyone else.

There wasn't even a wedge of doubt in his mind that what he did hurt her just as much as it hurt him. After spending months to open her true self to Hawks, only for him to slam that opportunity shut on Jun when she finally revealed her true, beautiful colors, he wouldn't be surprised if she was in more pain than he was. He absolutely loathed the notion.

"F-fu…fuck…" he choked through tightly shut eyes, clenched teeth, and a broken voice.

The visions of Jun in her room, hands pressing and consoling her face, chilled his blood. He didn't want to see that. He couldn't see it. He resented himself for leaving her so promptly, but he had to.

He couldn't let her see him cry.

He was gone all night. And the night after that.

Time heals all wounds, they always said. But for Jun, the despair only grew more and more agonizing after each passing day. Remnants of his crimson feathers still littered the room like loose, forgotten hair of a past lover. Heartbroken and numb, she shoved away the evidence of him and were about to dispose of them, but for some odd reason, she couldn't. They wouldn't leave her grasp. Jun's fist clenched tightly around them above the trashcan, refusing to let go.

She sighed in defeat, placing the feathers next to the unfinished puzzle on the table.

If not even a hero wants to be around me, then…

…what good am I?

Her weary gaze bore into the bundle of feathers, reflecting on the man who had flown into her life, made his mark, then left as fast as he arrived.

Jun couldn't understand what drove her to do this to herself. Displayed before her, a scrapbook she had spent the past few months collecting various clippings of Hawks - his achievements, grace, his calling, his life. She was a fool to think she could ever be a part of that life, with him. A powerful pang overwhelmed Jun's chest each instance she robotically flipped to the next page, each picture and headlines reawakening that engulfing wave of despair and grief over what could have been.

One picture she had fell so deeply in love with, she dedicated a whole page to it. An overwhelming surge of intense emotion enveloped Jun upon seeing Hawks holding up a cheering kid on his shoulders after rescuing him, his wings splaying out in pride.

She found the strength to drag her feet to the kitchen, the purpose unknown. A salient red object wedged between the wall and counter caught her eye. Slipping it out revealed a bright read letter, addressed to "Babybird."

Jun's eyes lit up slightly for the first time in days, the dark lines under her eyes withering for a moment as she unraveled the page to reveal a handwritten letter, crafted with such care.

'Dear Jun,

Look at me being all formal, acting as if this is the last time I'll ever speak to you. I needed to write this to explain my actions last night, and why I can't be there with you today. The moment I told you about that case, I felt your heartbeat quicken. I couldn't help but smile at how much it raced over the thought of helping out. I can imagine how you must feel that I couldn't let you come with me this time. I just didn't have the heart to wake you up. You looked so peaceful, so beautiful, I couldn't bear to disturb your sleep. I can't forget how the moonlight caressed the curve of your face and shone in your hair that night. I wanted to pull you close then, and stay with you until morning, but there will be plenty of time. I'll make it so we have all the time in the world, baby.

Honestly, before I met you, time always seemed to speed by without a trace. Every day was a race to beat the pace I set the day before. But with you, time still moved quickly, but the feeling was… different. When I'm with you, hours feel like moments. It's a pace I never thought was possible, until you fell into my life. Yet when I see you grinning at me, that glimmer shining in your eyes, it feels like time has stopped. It's a new, yet welcome pace. Maybe you wouldn't mind making me feel that way again soon.

I wanted to give you some time before I saw you again. Before I told you what I had to do. I couldn't tell you last night, because if I did, you would have learned that not only am I a massive bird brain… I am also a coward.

I had to tell them. For the safety of the people, for the world, and for you. Your Quirk, as beautiful as it is, needed to be made known.

I'm sorry I couldn't keep my word. Never in my life would I get pleasure from betraying your trust, and I'm not going to even try and justify what I did. All I will say is that all of this is for the sake of your safety. As long as you are out of harm's way, that's most important. I will do anything to protect you.

This isn't easy to admit, but my chest is aching as I write this. Your birdman isn't going to lie and pretend there's nothing selfish about it, but I think that was clear from the start. No matter what happens, I'll always cherish the moments you let me train you, to have you open up to me, and, well, to enjoy your company. I'll never leave your side if I could get away with it, but someone has to keep us all safe, right?

When I come by, I'll bring dinner from that place you love so much. You know, the takeout from the first night I met you. Maybe we can share a box or two while I'm there. What do you say?

It's crazy how we've come so far, Jun. Do you remember that night we met? I was thinking about it when I left. You were in that alley, taking on that villain. Your moves were… impressive. You probably could have handled it – I could tell right away – but I wanted to be the hero and, you know, show off a bit. Plus, it gave me the perfect chance to talk to you.

It was crazy how much I liked you right from the start. I tried to play it cool, stay aloof while charming you with my witty banter. In the back of my mind, I was a little afraid you might just be humoring me, but I was willing to take a chance with you.

Since then, even though our dates had to be simple and low profile, you didn't mind. I'd love to show you off to the world, but we both know that going public would be dangerous for a dozen different reasons. I had to keep you safe, and if that meant keeping us hidden, then that's what I will do. I'm grateful you were willing to go along with it.

The truth is, I'd be so lost without you. I can't even begin to describe how broken this man would be without you. You're everything to me. You know that, don't you? If you don't, then I'm not doing my job right. It makes everything I had to do harder and, knowing that I'd lost your trust, even more excruciating.

Having you wear that necklace gave me a new perspective on things. It makes me feel closer to you, but it's not quite the same of being there with you in my arms. Learning to wake up beside you, to make breakfast together, spending afternoon being lazy with you, and late-night dinners under the stars before drifting off to sleep with you on my chest are all experiences that make me feel in ways I never thought imaginable.

It made me realize. The more I write, the more I realize how much I want to be with you, and the more I am convinced that you deserve so much better.

Hope you don't think I'm getting too carried away. I can't help it when it comes to you. Your determination, the way you keep trying no matter what obstacles you face, you have an inner strength that keeps you going even when things get tough. There are so many facets that make you who you are, and I cherish each and every one. Jun, you are everything, everything and more. It's still so wild that I was able to be a part of that, even for a while. And if it were up to me, if you'd let me, I'll remind you from now until the end of time so you never doubt yourself.

Now that I know you're safe, I should probably get to my patrol. When you find this letter in the morning, I hope that you'll remember that no matter what happens next, no matter how you feel about me from this moment on, I will always be there for you.

Thank you, baby. For everything.'

The gentle serenity of his final words echoed through Jun's mind like the lull of a distant waterfall. Her thumb traced along the ink, hand quaking as her grip tightened around his words with an insistent crumpling noise. The conflicting emotions teeming inside of her was indescribable. It felt as if it was the final nail in the coffin for her heart. It took everything in Jun's power not to break down. Not to laugh or cry. Any emotion bubbling up to the surface was quickly pushed back within as her mind worked to comprehend the implications behind his words.

Was… was he only with me until he figured out my Quirk…? No, he wouldn't…! And he's always there for me? Then where the fuck is he now?!

Sleep didn't grace Jun that night. The sheets remained untouched from the night he left. In the living room, she looked up and blinked at the ceiling, grieving over what could have been the life she shared with Hawks. Tired, weary eyes, stared blankly at the living room wall, letting the negative emotions fester. It wasn't as though she had anyone to talk to or lean on for support anymore.

Naturally, Jun gravitated toward her puzzle to distract the crushing weight in her chest. It had been almost complete for quite some time by that point. The final piece remained missing, the empty spot in the middle of the frame taunting her that it would never be complete. With nothing else to do, Jun opted to kick an empty packing box like a misbehaved child, with something tumbling out of it and catching her eye. Next to the trash can laid the final piece to the puzzle.

Liar. He was lying. He was making a fool out of you this whole time.

With the piece in hand, hovering over the empty spot, something inside of Jun hesitated in putting in the final piece. It felt as if a switch were turned on as her blood began pumping through her body with great force. The massive rush flooded Jun's body and she stood abruptly, both hands smacking the puzzle forcefully in sheer frustration before swiping the entire work violently against the adjacent wall in powerful spite.

The sound of hundreds of wooden pieces shattering against the wall and floor filled the air, accompanying her labored breathing. The air stood still for a moment as she slouched back into the seat with her elbows on the table, face in her palms, yet still unable to process the tsunami of emotions that had just inundated her.

They say that love brought out the best in people. But for Jun, she was convinced that nothing could have been further from the truth.

With her sight to the floor, Jun's foot tapped a crumbled-up slip of paper beside the trashcan. She had little motivation to do anything, and yet, something inside compelled her to open it. After days of agonizing over how to move forward, upon seeing what was written in front of her, Jun finally understood what she was meant to do next.

No one wants to be around me. No one except…

Wracked with grief and with her head down low, Jun reached for the phone Hawks had gotten her before dragging it carelessly across the table to pull it toward her.

If even a hero doesn't want to be around me, then… what good am I?

Pure malice and spite invaded and overtook her being and seized control. Every ounce of forethought was lost from Jun's voice, her mind, and her soul.

I already know the answer. I should know better by now.

With her phone clutched in one hand, Hawks' feathers were clenched in the other. Jun's mind clouded, her knuckles curled inwards, crushing the feathers tightly in her grasp in anger. All the while, her other hand tapped against the screen, dialing the number.

I'm not.