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disclaimer

I no own. I own dryer lint, candy wrappers, and teh computer. I don't even own teh Fruits Basket anime. I only own a hundred or so badly translated Furuba manga chapters on my computer.

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envy/

–n, a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages

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Many things I've wanted throughout my life, he has, and he ignores.

He is always pitying himself and talking about what a freak he is. But, unlike me, he fits in with them. He can make friends easily, he attracts people.

He's always had friends, always been allowed to have friends. From the first time I saw him when I was small, in the car with my mother; I knew "this person is different from me." I never was jealous back then. I only wanted to know this person, that he was the cat or anything else didn't matter to me.

I feel jealousy, now. I want to be loved. To be cherished by parents. Blood is thicker than water, but love is needed more than either- although many disagree. In this family, blood is above all else. And look where we are.

I want to know what it's like to be held dear by parents, or a parent. I want them to be proud of me. I know I shouldn't be so jealous of his relationship with Shishou, but I am. I was there too, why didn't anyone love me!?

To be part of this family, he says. He wants to be part of this family? He can have it, he can have /this. If I could, I would beyond doubt give him my spot in this wretched family. But, I won't. I'm too afraid of Akito, what he'll do to me. But in my mind, he has this. Let the idiot cat realize just how stupid he is. He deserves this, for /wanting this.

He is free, free beyond comprehensible thoughts, as I have never known that freedom. Although he ties himself down with his fears of being locked away, with his guilt, with his misplaced anger. He is so afraid of being shut away, he lets the future scare him. He lets the future blind him to his surroundings. Because /his problems are on the surface. Because he is the cat, the hideous, nauseating cat, he has the sympathy. The pity, everything. I exist too, damn it! I am not here to look pretty, I am not here to /stand around, to be played with and then thrown away.

When the doll breaks, toss it away. When Yuki becomes too mental, when Hatori scolds, when Haru tattles, toss it away.

There is nothing in all the old Zodiac legends that talk about sealing away the rat. Or the cat, for that matter. But I wonder, what is so different /this time, that the rat suffers like the cat does? Although I suppose it's only fitting. Rats are filthy and disgusting, and are treated like such. It's natural to hate them. Rats ought to be in darkness.

This is the main difference between Kyo and me. I am a weak person, and he is a strong person. I don't have the strength to show my true feelings. I don't have the strength to hate anyone. I can't even hate Akito, I feel only fear. I don't have the strength to run away from everything, to live on my own. I don't have the strength to kill myself, to commit the ultimate form of running away, the ultimate show of defiance.

When Kyo hates someone, he puts his whole heart into it. While I was unsure, he knew what he felt and hated me with his whole being.

The rat is meant to be hated. The cat is meant to hold blame.

But it's almost easier to be hated because of what you look like, rather than for the kind of person you are.

It's easier to blame, then to atone.

It's easier to be hated half-heartedly, than to be hated by many and hated by yourself.

He tries to be jealous of me, calling me spoiled and loved by everyone.

I suppose I am spoiled, always Akito's favorite, always sheltered from the world, although I'm not so sure that's such a good thing. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I don't think that is true for everything. Sometimes, if it doesn't kill you it breaks you.

Kyo is not broken. Kyo is afraid, but not broken.

He doesn't know what it's like, to be hated unconditionally for being what you are, to be so pathetic, so afraid and boring and unnecessary.

And because he doesn't know, it becomes a little easier to hate him.

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by T.E.B.E.-sway- completed 12/06/06

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Again, some things may be untrue. This is the opinion of Yuki, not the fact.

Whoo… finished. I actually had the main part (or rough draft, I guess.) finished, but I worked really hard to make it longer. Like the last chapter, I think I was repetitive. And this chapter was more self-hatred than envy. But, I think Yuki is like that, so whatevah! (lol)

This could be the last chapter of this… I have gotten 4 reviews. Do I suck so much that people won't review for me!? Wah. Anyways, if you people can give me more reviews, I'll continue this with other characters. Just tell me what you thought of the Kyo and Yuki ones, and I'll do a character of your request!

REVIEW!