Disclaimer: Kubo Taito's; not mine.

Sorry, people, I had to fix some parts. I noticed some of the formatting and punctuation was off, so I went in and fixed it. The rest of the story is in tact.

The Babysitters Club

Chapter 5 The Defense: Nanao-chan to the Stands

Nanao turned around abruptly after dousing her taichou in ice water and walked towards the back of the courtroom. She then stepped behind a massive file cabinet with wheels and began pushing it to the witness stand from behind. The cabinet itself was several times her size and no doubt filled to the max. The bottom was bulging and the wheels squeaked loudly under the stress of the weight of the cabinet as she slowly pushed it to the front. Nanao rested the file cabinet next to the witness stand and gestured to a waiting member of her squad to join her at the front before stepping up to the witness stand.

"Stand here," she commanded the tiny female shinigami.

Iemura once again stood up, raised his hand, and said, "Please raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear or affirm to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"

"I do," said Nanao pushing the bridge of her glasses up.

"Please be seated." Nanao sat gracefully on the chair and crossed her legs almost mechanically. "Please state your name for the court."

"8-bantai fukutaichou, Ise Nanao. 'Ise.' 'I (Pronounced 'eeh')' as in the kanji for 'Italy.' 'Se' as in 'zei' in 'oozei.' 'Legs' under 'soil' on the left and then another 'soil' under that, 'circle' (maru) on the right, all over 'power' (chikara). 'Nanao.' 'Nana' as in 'seven.' 'O' with the 'thread' radical on the left and 'person' ('mono' or 'sha' as in 'isha') on the right." (A/N: None of this will make any sense unless you know how to write kanji and understand a bit of Japanese. But don't worry too much about it.)

"Kyouraku-taichou, you may proceed with your first witness."

"Nanao-chan," Shunsui said, leaning lazily on the witness stand. "How many years have you served under me?"

"34."

"And you don't look a day over—"

"Watch it," she said smacking him upside the head with her fan, which had mysteriously materialized out of nowhere.

"How well would you say you know me, having served 34 wonderful years under me?" he said rubbing the reddening pulsing area.

"Better than you know yourself."

"Could you elaborate on that?"

"I think it would be fair to say that only two other people know you better than I do."

"And who would that be?"

"Yamamoto-soutaichou and Ukitake-taichou."

"Considering that Yama-jii is in a meeting and Ukitake was recently hospitalized, I think that Nanao-chan would provide a decent testimony. Nanao-chan, can you tell the members of the jury about my beverage preferences?"

"Certainly. Kyouraku-taichou consumes two beverages and two beverages only. The first is sake, Nihon-shu, shouchuu—transparent, strong Japanese alcohol made of rice and only of the highest quality. Should you need proof, I have purchase orders for the sake he drinks for the past 20 years. File 2836-A," Nanao said to the waiting shinigami.

"Right away, Ise-fukutaichou," the frail looking shinigami said, scrambling to open the second drawer. The shinigami resembled Ururu in that she was tiny, but she managed to get the job done rather efficiently. She pulled out a considerably sized bound report and handed it to Nanao bowing deeply once. "File 2836-A."

"Thank you," Nanao said, placing the folder on the table next to her witness stand.

"What is the other one, Nanao-chan?"

"The other is water, one because it's the same 'color' as sake, it's free, and it prevents him from dehydrating from the excessive vomiting associated with the over-consumption of alcoholic beverages."

"Do I consume any other variety of alcohol—particularly colored liquors or spirits?"

"Not to my knowledge and extensive research."

"Research? What research?"

"Yes, as head of the Shinigami Women's Association, I must present a report containing research I have done for a thesis of my choice. My research concerns Kyouraku-taichou in that, he has deemed him to be a medical miracle."

"Medical miracle?"

"Yes, for someone who consumes that level of sake at that frequency, eats nothing that would provide the body with any nourishment whatsoever, sleeps most of the day away like a sloth or koala, most of the major organs in your body should have failed, even as a shinigami at taichou level. Yet he suffers little to no damage. I have conducted years of complex experiments and research on Kyouraku-taichou's alcohol consumption habits."

"What brought about this research?" Shunsui said, curious to know more for himself rather than clearing his name.

"I originally thought that Kyouraku-taichou should quit drinking, since it affected his efficiency not to mention his health, but he refused to accept that too much alcohol might eventually kill him. So, I decided to observe his drinking habits in order to prove to him that alcohol has long term effects that can make life miserable in a person's later years. I am still researching; however, this log that I have in my hand is proof that Kyouraku-taichou has not drunk and will not drink any alcohol aside from his high quality sake."

"So the sweet, caramel colored alcohol…?"

"Probably some form of rum and also not a possibility. Kyouraku-taichou even considering purchasing anything but sake would go against over 15 years of extensive research. It is highly likely that the liquor that is consumed was rum. Rum is an import in the Seireitei, typically imported from shinigami of questionable character such as Urahara Kisuke."

Somewhere in Karakura Town….

"Ah-ah-ah-CHOO!" Urahara sneezed rather loudly as he was counting the daily cash for the day.

"Tenchou," Tessai said turning to Urahara. "Did you catch a cold?"

"Some beauty somewhere must be talking about the sexiness known as the Urahara Kisuke," he mused.

"I have some medicine that not only cures colds, but does wonders for impotence as well as prevents breast cancer."

"How does…never mind. Wait, do I look like I'm someone who would need something that prevented breast cancer?" Urahara asked appalled at the mere suggestion. "Besides are you insinuating something, Tessai?"

"Not at all, tenchou!" Tessai said, standing up from the chair he had been sitting on. "Let me go get—"

"WAIT! Um. I have to go find Yoruichi," Urahara said nervously. "I must get Yoruichi's milk ready. Yes, that's it. Tessai, would you mind doing inventory?"

"But, tenchou! Your health is far more important than the inventory—"

"Customer first!" Urahara said holding up one finger and adjusting his hat with the other. "We don't want to be selling too much damaged or expired—I mean, 'freshly outdated' merchandise. Besides we can't sell what we don't have. We need to order—first thing tomorrow morning! Yes, that's it… Therefore, we need to do inventory TODAY. Thanks for volunteering!" Urahara said cheerfully as he walked out casually. He looked quite cool walking out but really he was congratulating himself on being skilled enough to save his life.

Back at the courtroom…

"Rum is the cheapest—do not ask me why, imported liquor here in the Seireitei. Yes, there are thousands of varieties of liquor, however only a handful of these are actually readily available here in the Seireitei. There is also one other problem. Kyouraku-taichou is highly allergic to rum."

"I am?"

"If I remember correctly," Nanao said ignoring Shunsui once again. "The first witness stated that Kyouraku-taichou had a few rounds with him of this mysterious sweet brown alcohol. This would be a near impossibility since Kyouraku-taichou would have been carried off to 4-bantai headquarters within the first sip of rum."

"Really?"

"File 8025-G."

"Right away, ma'am!"

"This is the paperwork for the last time he was hospitalized," Nanao said as she placed the folder she received onto the other one.

"That was rum, Nanao-chan?"

"Yes," she sighed. "The day that you thought you were going 'die by the evil clutches of foreign alcohol' was the day you and Ukitake-taichou decided to abuse your power as taichou and buy a whole bunch of imported alcohol from your accomplice, Urahara Kisuke. The first item you bought was a bottle of rum because the label had a pink flower on it, don't you remember!"

"O--------h. That was rum? Ouch…." Shunsui had merely been thinking aloud, when Nanao, fed up with the silliness snatched the file she had just put down and chucked it at Shunsui, hitting him right on the side of head that was closest to her with one of the corners of the file.

"Objection, Your Honor, the witness is badgering the attorney," Shunsui cried rubbing his head.

"Overruled."

"What!"

"Do you have any further questions, Kyouraku-taichou?" Hitsugaya sighed loudly.

"Oh yes. Okay, Nanao-chan. So let me clarify. There's no way it could have been me at that—"

"I didn't say that. I simply stated that it would be difficult for you to rape someone under the influence of rum considering that you nearly died from it last time."

"Very good, on to my next point," Shunsui said turning around to face the jury, his haori flapping around him. "Nanao-chan, would you mind telling the court my procedure for wooing ladies—"

"Objection, Your Honor!" shouted Aizawa. "This is irrelevant to the case—"

"I'm gonna make a point," Shunsui said motioning for the uptight lawyer to sit down. "Just cool your jets. Here, have some sake—"

"No alcohol in my courtroom. Overruled for now, Kyouraku-taichou, please make your point."

"Nanao-chan?"

Nanao sighed and rolled her eyes. "As embarrassing as this is, I am currently under oath, so I shall comply for now. Kyouraku-taichou's shameless behavior always begins with him having a few bottles of sake. Then he goes over to the shy, quiet girl sitting alone in the corner. He takes off his ridiculous hat, bows majestically, and asks her if she would mind if he bought her a drink. And then he talks…and talks…and talks. Then after several hours, he leans in and brushes her hair behind her ear and whispers how pretty she is and—STOP TAKING NOTES, MEMBERS OF THE JURY!"

"What's the big deal," Renji said loudly. "We're bored, and you're giving us tips on how to pick up—"

"Members of the jury, please put down your writing utensils," Hitsugaya warned dangerously. Byakuya sniffed indignantly, clearly miffed at being lumped with the note-taking retards like Renji and Ikkaku, but again said nothing. "Please continue, Ise-fukutaichou."

"After telling her sweet nothings, he stands up, picks up his hat and leaves. That's it. If she chooses to chase after him, it's of her own free volition. Kyouraku-taichou does not want to force anything on anyone. His and Ukitake-taichou's style is more along the lines of mysterious and chivalrous," she finished, blushing and rolling her eyes at the embarrassment of having to make such a statement.

"Here are the complaints he has received in the past. And the other is contains recordings of his conversations when he goes to pick up girls—"

"Girls, that reminds me, Nanao-chan. Would you mind speaking on my sexual preferences since you have clearly been researching my—"

"Do I have—"

"Of course, it's relevant to the case, Nanao-chan!"

Nanao sighed. "Kyouraku-taichou, for the reference of this case, does not chase after men—at least men that look like the victims in this case."

"Could you elaborate on that?"

"Kyouraku-taichou likes small, gentle, lady-like girls. If he does make a pass at a male, it's usually because the male is small, thin and has feminine features or is pretty. Nakata-san is too bulky and muscular. His features are far too angular to be mistaken for a girl, so it is highly unlikely that Kyouraku-taichou would have made that mistake. Also, Sakaki-san is too tall and lanky. He's without a doubt male, and hardly the kind of person that Kyouraku-taichou might go for. Both are likely to fight back if attacked, which is exactly what he doesn't want. Kyourako-taichou doesn't like to fight for his prey—he's far too lazy."

"Right on the money. That's my cute little Nanao-ch—OUCH!" Shunsui was beginning to think that if the alcohol didn't kill him, he would die of hemorrhaging to the brain from all the items that have been chucked, slammed, and slapped his cranium.

"Don't call me that!" Nanao said throwing her fan at him. "I belong to no one, Kyouraku-taichou."

"Nanao-chan, what do you think about the fact that he accused me of drugging him."

"That is quite a compliment, taichou."

"Isn't it? Wait! You aren't serious. Don't you mean 'accusation'?"

"No, I would have to say that is a huge compliment."

"C-C-Compliment!" he sputtered, nearly losing his balance. "Nanao-chan, but he—"

"Drugging someone takes a great deal of research and careful planning. Two things that are not usually associated with someone like Kyouraku-taichou."

"Oi!"

"The thing is, Kyouraku-taichou couldn't distinguish between an aspirin and a modsoul," she sighed, massaging one temple with her index and middle finger. "Researching what kinds of drugs would make a person easy to take advantage of without knocking them out completely or killing them, requires a tremendous amount of work, work that Kyouraku-taichou is not willing to do because he's so lazy. Plus access to that kind of information is also a problem. His taichou status would in theory allow him the access to that kind of information; however, due to the reference room being renovated, the files have been under the care of Kurotsuchi-taichou and will remain under his care until the end of the year. That kind of information would indeed be quite hard to acquire considering that Kyouraku-taichou recently had a run-in with Kurotsuchi-taichou."

"It wasn't my fault that he lost part of his lab in that explosion," Shunsui said chewing idly on a blade of grass that had somehow materialized in his mouth.

"You were the one that left one of his burners one when you tried to heat your sake in one of his beakers!" she said reaching forward to grab the blade from his mouth, throwing it to the side violently. "In any case," Nanao said, regaining her composure. "The prosecution had portrayed Kyouraku-taichou as someone highly knowledgeable, hard-working, and calculating—which conflicts with my records, files 8375-J and K."

"Right away, Ise-fukutaichou!"

"Thank you."

"What are those?" Shunsui asked curiously.

"Those are all the 'late slips' for things that were past due."

"That first folder must weigh about 15 pounds, Nanao-chan!" Shunsui eyed the binder that had been placed in front of his serious fukutaichou. "What's that, like the last 5 years?"

"No, the last 4 months." Shunsui paled.

"Wait, how come you never said anything? Does this mean its all ri—"

"Don't push it," Nanao warned. "No matter how much I nag you, it's not like anything's going to change anyway."

"True enough…"

"Kyouraku-taichou is extremely lazy. On the birthday cards he sends, he simply uses his stamp, 'From 8-bantai Taichou, Kyouraku Shunsui.' He once advertised for a professional forger—someone to forge his handwriting and to fill out his reports so that he didn't have to do them himself. Here's the stamp and here's a copy of the ad."

"You mean you knew about the advertisement," Shusui said, leaning in towards Nanao.

"Of course, you brilliantly put my address as the contact address!"

"Oh yeah, that's right…"

"Anyway, drugging someone takes a great deal of research not to mention planning. That in itself is just giving Kyouraku-taichou far too much credit."

"That's right, you should give credit where credit is due—Wait, do you hear something?" Shunsui said slowly looking around the courtroom.

A faint rumbling sound could be heard.

"What the hell is that?" Hitsugaya wondered aloud to no one in particular.

Hitsugaya looked to his left and then to his right. Nothing. Then all of a sudden, the rumbling started to get louder and the courtroom began shaking. Before he could order that no one move from the courtroom, one of the walls started to display a crack. Then before he knew it, there was a crack, crack, KABOOM!

Debris sprayed everywhere and the air was clouded with dust. Everyone had taken cover and was under a chair or table.

"Who the hell was that!" Hitsugaya demanded. There was no response. Hitsugaya reached for Hyourinmaru. "Who's there!"

"Where is he?" shouted a vaguely familiar voice. The silhouette of a large figure charged into the middle of the courtroom shouting, "WHERE IS HE! KUROSAKI ICHIGO!"

"What the hell? Kurosaki Ichigo?" Hitsugaya murmured. "Zaraki-taichou?"

The air sort of cleared with Zaraki Kenpachi standing in his full glory, bells, eye patch, tattered haori and all.

"Don't make me repeat myself? Where the hell is Kurosaki Ichigo!" the blood-thirsty 11-bantai taichou demanded, pulling up a sniveling Aizawa from under the closest table.

"I-I…Z-Z-Za-Zaraki-taichou!" he said nearly fainting on the spot.

"Ken-chan!" Yachiru called cheerfully, pulling herself up onto Kenpachi's shoulder.

"Oi, Yachiru!" he growled as the dust finally cleared and he was able to see that he was in the middle of a newly destroyed courtroom with a shocked wide-eyed Hitsugaya standing on the podium.

"Silly Ken-chan, Mr. Spikey-Head isn't here!"

"What! You told me he was here!"

"Well, you wouldn't have come if I told you they wanted you for the bailiff."

"Bailiff! What the fuck is that?" he said grumpily, his bells slightly drooping in disappointment.

"You just keep the peace, Zaraki-taichou," said a singsong voice from behind Kenpachi.

"Matsumoto! Just where the hell have you been!" shouted Hitsugaya angrily.

"Keep the peace?" said Kenpachi turning around to face Matsumoto. "Does that mean I get to kill people?"

"Well, no, but if they get too loud or obnoxious, you can slam the hilt of your zanpakutou as hard as you want into any part of their body!"

"Well, that's not as great as fighting Kurosaki Ichigo or killing, but I guess since I'm here already..."

"Yay, Ken-chan gets to be like the sunglasses-oniichan!"

"What! Yachiru, goddammit! Don't lump me with that goody-two-shoes Tousen!"

"Matsumoto, what the hell took you so long!" Hitsugaya shouted over Yachiru and Kenpachi's arguing.

"Well, I was looking for someone who might make a good bailiff, but everyone was busy—"

"Conveniently…okay…" Hitsugaya said clearly not convinced.

"And well, I was on my way back to the courtroom, when I ran into Yachiru-chan and Zaraki-taichou. They were conveniently on their way to the courtroom too. Yachiru said she knew a shortcut and well, before we knew it, we were lost, so yeah—"

"Spare me the rest of the details," Hitsugaya groaned. "All right, everyone. Let's take a brief recess and reconvene in one hour while we get this mess sorted out."

Hitsugaya pounded his gavel, well what was left of it and jumped down to the middle of the courtroom, sighing as he surveyed the damage and pissed as hell that his fukutaichou of questionable competency didn't even have the decency to bring him a single cup of tea.

Author's Note: Sorry for the delayed update. I've been busy with work recently and this chapter has killed my brain. Goody. Anyway, hope you all enjoyed this chapter.

Cue ending theme…

Matsumoto: Oopsie, we really screwed up big time. Zaraki-taichou put that teensy little hole in the courtroom, so my little taichou is pretty upset.

Hitsugaya: MATSUMOTO!

Matsumoto: Well, it technically wasn't my fault this time.

Hitsugaya: What the hell were you thinking, bringing Zaraki-taichou into the courtroom!

Matsumoto: I didn't Yachiru-chan did!

Hitsugaya: And that hole wasn't teensy. It was HUGE!

Yachiru: Hey, at least I found big boobie-oneechan and the…the…what was it called again?

Ikkaku: Bailiff, you retarded cotton candy head!

Yachiru: You shut up, stupid bowling ball head!

Kenpachi: Does this mean no Kurosaki Ichigo?

All: YES!

Byakuya: Why do I have to be here? Can we reach a verdict soon? I am a very busy person—

Renji: Yeah, yeah, next chapter. Just enjoy the ride. Next time, the courtroom finale! Stay tuned, everyone.