Chakotay stood in the darkness of the briefing room and stared at the stars as they streaked by at warp speed. He and Kathryn had just come to blows nearly and hour ago about her treaty with the Borg and how he had broken it. He had over ruled her while she had been unconscious and he was the acting Captain. Chakotay had only done what he thought was right at the time. It made him sick to be at odds with Kathryn; but right now they were and his insides were twisted in knots. Again, he only did what he thought was right and the Borg were eventually going to double cross them. Rather than go head to head with a Borg cube he had caught them unaware and destroyed them before they could destroy them. After she had gotten back on her feet the Captain had started to dress him down but it was Kathryn who made it personal. That was also the reason he felt wretched right now. One touch from Kathryn and Chakotay's world was a place of serenity; words of anger and he was miserable. It was one hell of a way to live and yet he did nothing to change it. He knew he couldn't. Chakotay would go on like he always did; he would be her friend, the friend who was in love with her. But what made him so mad at her at times was his inability to discern whether she loved him in return.

"I wasn't wrong you know." Her voice surrounded him in the almost complete darkness as she remained in the shadows.

"You weren't completely right either," Chakotay muttered and winced at the anger still lacing through his words. He set his jaw and refused to turn to her, refused to let her see the pain in his eyes. He wasn't going to search for her in the darkness. The side of him that loved her wanted to turn, wanted to tell ask for forgiveness for going back on her word. But the angry warrior stood firmly and refused to be so weak, refused to give in to the woman who brought a measure of peace to his life.

Kathryn had already been hiding in the shadows of the briefing room when Chakotay slipped in using the dark as cover. Her first instinct had been to say something to him but by the stiffness of his back and the set of his shoulders she could tell that he was still angry about the words they had exchanged hours before. So, she sat on the floor in the corner and watched him while he watched the stars. Regret weighed on her mind while she watched him. She shouldn't have made it personal, but every time she was near him it was personal. It was just how it was between them and sometime she hated it. Then other times she loved how he could anticipate her moods and her actions. Instead of staying in her quarters that were right next to his, Kathryn opted to come here. She couldn't bear to hear his furious pacing that she knew he would do when he returned to his quarters. Chakotay paced when he was angry, when he was troubled, or when he was irritated, and usually that only happened if it was something that she had done. If she wasn't so proud then she would be apologizing, but she was the Captain and that meat she was always right even when she was in the wrong. Chakotay never failed to call her on it. When Chakotay didn't then it would be Tuvok and he would use logic against her.

Out of some perverse need to rehash what had already been said Kathryn spoke, "I wasn't wrong you know." She just needed him to understand.

"You weren't completely right either."

In the dark she could wince at the anger in his words. If it had been light in here she would have steeled herself for another battle of words between them. But it was dark and she could wince while being just Kathryn. She didn't want him to be angry anymore and she didn't want him to be angry at her. Stepping out of the shadow that concealed her Kathryn took that first tentative step towards him and knew she was going to face a coming storm. Right now he was as angry as a wolf and she had to tread carefully so as not to get bitten again.

Chakotay heard her move through the shadows. Each step he heard and counted until he felt the feather light touch that told him she was wary of him. He hadn't meant to move, hadn't meant to shove her against the wall, he hadn't meant for her to; hadn't meant to go to his knees in front of her. Chakotay hadn't meant to rest his head against her and wrap his arms around her waist. "If any woman could bring me to my knees it would be you." Chakotay whispered. Gone was the angry and what replaced it was sorrow and resignation. Sometimes he hated the feelings he had for her and sometimes they were the best thing in his life. Right now it was torturing him and it was torture to be so close to her day after day and know that he could never touch her the way he wanted. If Chakotay didn't find a way to fix things them his pain and anguish would eat him alive. Why couldn't he content himself with being her friend? He knew why; he was too much in love with her. It was evident and it pained him day in and day out.

Kathryn felt his sorrow, heard it in the words he spoke, and she was being choked by it. She was torturing him and she was torturing herself. There was nothing she could say, nothing she could do to make his hurting less. On impulse she ran her fingers through his ink black hair and allowed him to hold her. This was what she wanted; she wanted him. But there positions and their rank made it impossible. There was no way they could be lovers here. Every time they went into battle she would be choked up with a fear so consuming she wouldn't be able to do her job; all she would do would be to worry about him, worry about her lover and not her crew. If she knew for sure that she could separate her personal from professional then she would talk to him about a relationship, but if their arguments were any indication then she wasn't that hopeful until they reached home. Her own pain was going to eat her alive; she knew it. Eventually her heart would completely freeze and she would become cold and remote. Kathryn didn't want that to happen. Sinking down to her knees she wrapped Chakotay in her arms and held him in the way she wanted. "I don't want you on your knees," She whispered, "I want you standing tall; I want you to be my angry warrior who stands by me and gives me strength when I falter." Her voice broke with emotion and Chakotay just hugged her harder. He gave her the warmth she needed.

"I hate what we do to each other," He said as he pulled back from her. Chakotay knew he had tears in his eyes but hen again so did Kathryn. They were silver in the light of the passing stars.

"I hate it too, but what can we do?" She smiled and knew that they were on the road to mending the hurt between them.

"First we can get off the floor and second you can let me make you dinner," Chakotay smiled that certain smile that he knew would make her go weak in the knees.

"Yes to the first and yes to the second." Kathryn smiled and kept smiling even as he took her hand and together they got up off the floor and walked out of the darkened briefing room.

CHAKOTAY'S QUARTERS:

Kathryn sat on the couch and watched as Chakotay moved from the replicator to the small table he had. He was setting out plates of delicious smelling food that had her stomach growling. Whenever she and Chakotay fight she never eats very well. Alls he really does is drink more coffee than she should and try and throw herself into work until she can forget what happened, but the forgetting never happens and the work never gets done until she is left with the caffeine pumping through her blood and nothing to do that her mind will allow her to focus on. "Why do you love me so much?" The question slipped out before she could stop the words from falling past her lips. She watched as Chakotay froze. He went completely still like an animal sensing danger.

"Why would ask that?"

"Why do you…?"

"Kathryn don't so this." Chakotay interrupted quickly. He wanted her to stop. They had just mended each other from the last fight and he knew this discussion would end up as a fight; it would end up being louder to where people passing by would hear it.

"I want to know," Kathryn rose from her place and walked to him. Gone was the sense of peace. In its place was tension. She was casing him pain again, but she had to know, had to understand what was so great about her that he was giving her his love.

"Please don't do this?" He pleaded and refused to turn to her.

"Fine, I'll tell you why I love you," Kathryn took a deep breath and readied herself for a confession that she had wanted to give ever since they had lived together on New Earth. "You make me feel like the woman I am and not just like the Captain. You see the real me, you've always seen the real me and you've accepted me. You can anticipate my moods; give me a reason to smile just by being on the bridge in the morning. You make me feel so good… " Kathryn's voice faltered as her emotions became too strong.

Chakotay shuddered trying to fight back the emotions welling up inside him. Kathryn had said she loved him. Isn't that what he's always wanted to hear? Then why did it feel so terrible to actually have her voice her feelings for him? Because she would leave it at that and leave him to burn night after night for someone who would never share his bed. She would leave him the knowledge and no way to celebrate it. And yet he answered her, he would always answer her, "I love you because…." He shook his head and found it hard to speak. Chakotay turned to her and then tried again, "I wasn't a man before I fell in love with you. What I was was a Contrary, always drifting, always moving from place to place. Everything I've become is possible because of my love for you. What I see in your eyes is everything that I knew I should have become before meeting you and yet it didn't happen until you." Shaking his head Chakotay continued, "If that makes sense?"

"It makes more sense than it should," Kathryn stepped closer and placed her hand over his heart. She was comforted by the feel of its thunderous beat. He covered her hand with his right hand and rested his forehead to hers.

"What are we going to do?" Chakotay asked. He didn't dare move, didn't dare shatter this precious moment between him and Kathryn.

"Give me time; I need just a little more time before I can come to your bed, before I let myself be consumed by you." Kathryn answered. She needed to separate her personal and private lives; she had to find a way. 'Well Kathryn, you are going to that special hell where Captains go who sleep with their First Officers.' Even as that thought past through her mind she couldn't help but laugh.

"You're laughing at me," Chakotay pouted playfully, now he could be playful.

"No, I'm laughing at me," Kathryn backed away and then continued, "Because I'm going to hell."

"Really?" Chakotay was going to have some fun, he needed it and he was glad that the mood had turned so drastically again. He moved behind her and looked at her reflection in the view port, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't you actually have to sin before going to hell?" He made sure to make his voice a sensual purr. She shivered I his arms and looked at his reflection as well.

"I'm going to that special Captains hell reserved for those who sleep with their first officers."

"But you haven't slept with me yet," Chakotay pointed out.

"No, but I'm going to." Kathryn turned I his arms and solidified her sin by kissing him.