Chapter Four

Of Shoes and Ships and Sealing-Wax

Dinner…they've asked me to dinner because they said they needed to talk to me about something…something what? I bet Lily's pregnant….bet she is…bet she is….Jordan chanted to herself as she searched for a parking space at the restaurant. Lily had come to her earlier in the day, asking if Jordan could meet her and Bug for dinner tonight at Antoine's, an upscale Italian restaurant.

"Antoine's….that's kind of fancy, isn't, Lils?" Jordan just assumed they were still into the Beef-n-Brew mentality.

"It is," Lily replied, twisting her necklace around her finger. "But…Bug and I need to talk to you about something…and Antoine's is kind of secluded…"

"So it's important…this 'thing' you need to tell me?"

Lily nodded vigorously. "It is…just…keep an open mind. Okay?"

"An open mind?"

Another vigorous nod. "Yeah…"

"And you're not going to tell me anything right now?"

"Not without Bug…"

"Okay…" Jordan shook her head. "I'll be there at seven with bells on….and an open mind."

What exactly an open mind had to do with being pregnant, Jordan didn't know. Maybe Lily had come across some new birth technique and needed Jordan in the room as well as Bug…chanting some New Age mantra or something.

But now she was parked, and entered the dimly-lit restaurant. From over in the back, at a really secluded booth, she saw Bug wave.

"We went ahead and ordered you some tea," Lily told her after greeting her friend.

"Decaf, sweetened with sugar and lemon," Bug added. "The decaf is better for you."

"Well, thanks….but I think I'd like a glass of wine, too," Jordan said, laughing at Bug. "Since when did you get all concerned about what's good for me?"

The nature of Bug's concern soon unloaded like the proverbial ton of bricks as somewhere between the Calamari appetizer and her main course of chicken and pasta, Lily and Bug got out their story.

"Unexplained infertility…I am so sorry." That's the only thing Jordan could find to say. She had come here tonight so sure that her friends…her family…was going to tell her that a new addition was going to be added to the group. A tiny diaper-wearing addition that gooed and cried and wiggled. An addition, with any luck, she could help take care of.

She grieved for her friends and herself. "So sorry," she repeated, grasping Lily's hand. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Actually, there is," Bug said. "And this is completely up to you…"

"And kind of 'out there'," Lily added with a near-giggle. "But remember I told you to keep an open mind."

"Okay…" Jordan began to feel apprehension build at the base of her spine and work its way up. She mentally calculated the distance between their booth and the exit doors.

"We were wondering…if perhaps by chance…you'd consider being our surrogate mother…" Bug began.

"Surrogate?" Jordan nearly spewed her ice tea all over the tablecloth. "Sorry…."

"Yes, surrogate…you'd carry the baby…all expenses would be paid…Bug would cover for you at the morgue while you're recouping after birth and any time during the pregnancy you don't feel well…" Lily began

"And at the end, Lily and I will be parents…the baby will always know who you are and what part you play in his or her life. You'll be its godmother, of course, and be able to see it as much as you want," Bug finished, in an uncharacteristic rush. "So what do you think?"

"What do I think? I think…I'm flattered you'd chose me…I think…I think…." She was stammering she was so near speechless.

"You don't have to let us know now, Jordan," Bug told her, gently squeezing her hand. "But maybe in a few days…when you've had a chance to think about it. It's a big decision."

"Yeah…it is a big decision, Jor. Just…don't make us wait too long?" Lily added, a pleading note in her voice. If Jordan said no, other plans would have to be put into place.

Jordan took a deep breath. "Let me make sure I have this straight. In vitro, right?"

Bug nodded. "Absolutely."

"In a real medical lab…not the morgue lab…and no turkey basters involved?"

"Dr. Roberts would handle everything," Lily replied, trying to reassure her.

"Your egg…" she pointed to Lily, "and your sperm?" The finger moved to Bug.

"Well…not exactly." Bug hesitated. "Maybe you better tell her, Lily."

"I'm too scarred from the endo for them to get a viable egg," Lily said softly. "The egg would be yours. The sperm would be Bug's."

"So technically, I'd be the mother, not just an incubator, and Bug would be the father."

They both nodded.

Whoaaa boy….

"Give me 24 hours to think about it."

She didn't go home that evening after dinner. It was a short walk to the pier where she used to run…a place where she would go to clear her head during difficult times. In happier times, she would run there with Woody.

She walked down the wooden structure and propped her elbows on the railing. Now was one of those difficult times. She closed her eyes.

Nine months. For nine months, I'd be a human incubator for this baby… A hand found its way to her tummy. And then I'd have to give it up. Because even if it's mine, it's not mine….

Nine months of carrying a baby only to have to turn around and give it up. Even if it's to my best friend and her husband. And I'd see it everyday.

On the other hand…I'm in my late thirties. I can't kid myself. This could be the only and last chance I have to carry a baby…give birth…have that experience. And I could see him or her as much as I want, and not have to deal with two a.m. feedings, colic, teething, and potty training.

But Jordan had to admit somewhere deep down inside, a part of her wanted to deal with all that and more…kindergarten…scouts….driving…dating….She opened her eyes and pulled away from the railing, beginning to walk back to her car, when a familiar form passed her.

Woody. He threw up a hand in a brief wave and kept running.

Several years ago, he would have stopped, talked her into going back to his apartment with him while he changed, and then taking her out for drinks.

Now it was a wave. Just a wave. Not even a grunt in greeting.

But what did she expect? The years had passed, time didn't stand still. They both had moved on. They both had changed. She wanted a family and baby…he wanted….Well, Jordan couldn't say exactly what he wanted, other than protocol followed and to be left alone.

So why did you come back to Boston? Did you by some scatter-brained idea think that things might fall back into place with him?

She shook her head. No…in reality, she and Woody had broke the bonds of friendship right after Bug's and Lily's wedding. She didn't hear from him again after that. Not even a Christmas card.

And now he'd changed so much from that Farm Boy she used to know and….love.

That chance she may have held a flicker of hope reuniting with was now jogging away from her…off the pier. With nothing more than a wave.

She pulled out her cell phone from her pocketbook. "Lily….I'll do it."