Title for this chapter comes from the song "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen.
Charlie wasn't sure how his world had suddenly stopped spinning. He'd have to consult Larry about some sort of freeze in time.
He heard the words he feared most. He had expected the news, should have known it all along. But he kept a nagging hope that some how this would all clear up, that he would get a happy ending in this mess.
But that wasn't about to happen.
Dr. Smith confirmed that Charlie's left eye was blind and that, unless by some unlikely happening, he wouldn't see out of it ever again. It didn't seem like it should be possible. Again, Charlie questioned where he was as he felt as though he was being taken away by a black hole. Nothing showed that it was there, except for the effects on others around it. In this case, it was his blind eye. Though no one could tell a difference by looking at it, it was obvious by certain movements he made that he was visually impaired. It was his fourth appointment with Dr. Smith, nearly two weeks since his surgery. No changes. No chances of his sight coming back.
Charlie couldn't speak the relief he felt since he was taking a taxi home. His father had dropped him off but had to run an emergency shift at the homeless shelter downtown and wouldn't be back in time to pick him up. Having full sight back in his right eye, Charlie left the hospital as fast as he could. He wasn't ready to be picked up. He wasn't dealing yet. He wasn't breathing yet.
Charlie sank onto his knees when he reached the garden area of the hospital for patients and their families to visit. He wasn't in a particularly nice spot. He'd just gone down as soon as there was a grassy area. The knees of his pants would be stained green, but he didn't care.
Though the idea of his condition being permanent had crossed his mind, he never wanted to believe it could happen. He didn't know what would happen now. On a "normal" day, Charlie would be worried about his brother and how he'd take it once he found out. Though it was still his plan to not let Don or Alan find out, right now it wasn't a big concern.
The nightmares had ended a week ago, though sleep was still hard to find some nights. Right now Charlie felt like he was back in a nightmare. He began to shake his head, hoping he could will himself awake.
Feeling the overwhelming weight on his shoulder, Charlie sank fully to the ground, his face connecting with the grass and dirt.
He lay there, not knowing what to do for a long time. He knew he wouldn't be helpless. It wasn't going to be that horrible. But he wanted his sight back- all of it. He'd learn to deal with being blind in one eye. He'd make it through somehow. The only problem was that he'd have to do it alone. No one else could know.
After a nurse informed Dr. Smith that Charlie was outside in the grass, he came rushing to his patient. His appointment had been over for almost an hour now. Charlie should be home. He was still lying face down in the dirt when Dr. Smith got to his side.
Taking his patient gently by the shoulders, he turned Charlie over and saw the complete helplessness on his face.
"Charlie, why aren't you home? Do you need a ride?"
"No. I'm calling a cab." A hint of the normal, stubborn Charlie shone through as he got up and checked his pockets for his cell phone.
"This isn't healthy. Come on. You know we have excellent specialists here who will help you learn to move around and do every day things on your own. I must insist that you go to a psychiatrist. I truly believe it will help you."
"And what will I tell my friends and family, huh? When I am conveniently absent from work and home, how will I explain that to them? Do you think they wouldn't know? Do you think they're stupid? I'll be fine on my own."
"No, you won't. You need to tell someone. Please, talk to Dr. Fray. Set up an appointment with him. It'll help, I promise."
Charlie stood and walked toward the sidewalk.
"Where are you going?"
"To call a cab."
He got his ride home, feeling no better than he had before. When he got to his room, the physiological effect caught up with him and he had to throw up.
Almost completely out of it, Charlie got in the bathtub and sat down. He turned on the shower to hot water and sat there, fully clothed. He was thankful he was home alone. If Alan had picked him up, he'd have to tell his father because Alan would see something was wrong. He had that sort of detector.
Charlie stayed in the shower until after the hot water ran out. Even then, he stayed shortly after until the cold seemed to settle inside him. He was relieved, though, because that meant he could actually feel. And if he could feel he was still alive.
Charlie changed out of his wet clothes and put them in the dryer, knowing there was no explanation for why he'd done it. He went upstairs and laid down on his bed. He was about to let the tears fall when he heard the front door open.
"Buddy! You home?" Don called from downstairs.
Knowing he had to disguise his misery, Charlie quickly got up and rinsed his face and plastered on a fake smile.
"Charlie!"
Taking a deep breath before his "performance," he left his room and found Don at the bottom of the steps.
"Hey! What are you doing here?" Maybe he should go into acting.
"There you are. Dad called me and said for me to tell you he'd be late. He said he tried calling your cell and here but you never picked up. Something wrong?"
"What? No, nothing that I know of. I just forgot to turn my cell on."
"How long have you been home?"
"About an hour."
"I'm sorry I wasn't able to pick you up. I mean, I would have if I had been closer, but I was on the opposite side of town."
"Don't worry about it."
"Dad said traffic is horrible so he'd stop for supper there."
"That's fine. You want to order pizza?"
"Sure. Dad cooks so much we hardly ever get to have any. I'll call. It'll be my treat."
"Thanks."
Charlie went to the living room and sat down on the couch. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He could hear his brother ordering a pizza with everything on it. He'd have to pick the anchovies off since he didn't like them, but Don did.
"Buddy? Are you sure you're okay?"
Charlie hadn't realized he'd let the pain show on his face once more. He quickly covered it up as he opened his eyes.
"Yeah, I'm fine. So you ordered?"
"It'll be here within the next 30 minutes." Don sat down on the chair across from Charlie. "How did your appointment go today?"
"Fine. I'm allowed to read, write, watch TV, and get on the computer as long as I do each in small amounts."
"Well, that's good. Anything else?"
"I'm back to full sight." He hated saying that. He'd have to be on his guard to make sure Don and their father never noticed anything was different.
"Oh, thank goodness. Congratulations, Buddy! You'll be back to work in no time and you can escape Dad's hawk eyes."
Charlie forced a smile. "Yeah."
"You know, I was so worried there for a while. I was so... afraid that you'd never be able to see again, or at least you wouldn't get your full sight back. It-it would have really bothered me, knowing you couldn't see because of me. I'm so glad you're better."
Charlie could feel the color drain from his face, could feel his insides knot. Don might as well have told him that if he ever found out the truth about his vision it would kill him. He could never find out. Charlie would do everything in his power to prevent it.
"Charlie? You okay?"
"Isn't that the door?"
Don frowned in confusion, having heard nothing, as he stood and went to the door. When Charlie thought his brother couldn't hear, he ran to the bathroom and threw up.
It was too much fo Charlie. It was too much pressure. He should tell Don right now, get it over with. Then he wouldn't have to carry this weight around, have to be on his guard 24/7.
But what if he did tell Don? Would it be so hard on his brother? Would the guilt eat at him? Would he never be able to forgive himself?
Don beat himself up enough as it was. Charlie couldn't risk making his brother suffer needlessly anymore than he already did. It would be too hard. Charlie would learn to deal with it. Somehow he'd make it alone.
He flushed the toilet and rinsed out his mouth. He heard Don call for him so he left the safety of the bathroom.
"Pizza's here," Don said as he poked his head out the kitchen door.
"Good. I'm hungry." He walked into the kitchen and immediately Don's gaze went to him.
"You okay? You disappeared on me suddenly."
"I'm fine. Stop asking."
"Okay, okay. It just looks like something is bothering you, that's all." Maybe he's not that good of an actor after all.
"Nothing's bothering me. Everything is fine. Let's eat."
Charlie took the pizza box and brought it to the dining room while his brother carried a bottle of beer in one hand and a glass of Coke in the other.
After they finished eating their pizza, the two went to the living room and watched TV. Don found the playoffs so they watched it. Don was happy to see former LA Dodgers player Shawn Green doing so well. Green now played for the New York Mets, who the Dodgers were playing against. He always thought that it had been stupid to trade him. He was glad, though, that they had gotten Nomar Garciaparra. It would be a good game. The Mets had already beaten the Dodgers 2-0. If the Mets won tonight, it would be over for the Dodgers. Don hoped that his team could make it.
Alan arrived by the third inning. Charlie started when he heard the door close. He had begun to doze off on the couch.
"What are you doing watching TV? You're not supposed to do that."
"It's nice to see you, too, Dad. I'm allowed to now, just as long as I don't for too long."
"Okay. Hi, Donnie."
"Hey, Dad."
"You boys eat?"
"Yeah, Charlie and I got a pizza."
"Pizza is not food, unless you know how to make it right."
Alan came over and sat beside Charlie on the couch.
"So how was your appointment?"
"Fine. I'm back to full vision, if you didn't already know."
"That's wonderful! See, Don, you had nothing to worry about."
Charlie felt another jab to his stomach. He couldn't tell them. They couldn't know. Don had to be protected from the truth. It was better to lie to him than let him go on blaming himself.
Don smiled at his father's statement. He felt relieved. Though he still felt some guilt over the pain Charlie had to go through because of him, it was easier now that Charlie could see again. The guilt eased off him and he stopped beating himself up.
By the fifth inning, Charlie fell asleep on the couch. Alan smiled down at his son who laid against his shoulder.
"Hey, Dad?"
"Yes, Don?"
"I-I don't want to worry you, but Charlie seemed kind of upset today. I'm not sure what it was, but he seemed like something was bothering him all day."
Alan felt a note of fear. Maybe it was what Charlie wasn't telling him, what Dr. Smith couldn't tell him. At first Alan had thought it was about Charlie's sleeping habits, but it seemed he was wrong about it. Not wanting to worry Don, he chose not to make a big deal about it.
"I'm sure it was just because he had an appointment today. It's probably nothing."
Don looked at his father confusedly. He had expected more of a reaction from his father than that. Were they hiding something from him?
Charlie broke the two men out of their thoughts when he gave a loud whimper and grabbed onto Alan's arm in a tight grip. Alan sucked in a sharp breath at the tightness in his arm. He felt Charlie's fingernails dig into the skin.
"Dad? Are you all right?" Don looked worriedly between his father and brother.
"I'm okay. Wake him up."
Don rushed over and started shaking Charlie.
"Wake up, Buddy! Come on, wake up!" Don said loudly, trying to make him wake up faster when he saw the grip he had on their father's arm.
"No! Stop!" Charlie cried out.
Alan's arm began to throb with pain, so he fought to get it out of Charlie's grasp. He pried his son's fingers off his arm and pulled it away when he saw Charlie reach for it again. This time he found Don's shirt and pulled his startled older brother to him.
"Make it stop," Charlie hissed when his brother's face was less than inches away from him.
"Charlie! Wake up!" Don screamed and when Charlie woke up this time, he hit his head against his brother's.
"Ow!" They both cried out as they grabbed onto their heads where they had connected.
Charlie leaned back against the couch again and held his forehead.
"Charlie, are you-" Charlie jumped with a gasp as he heard his father's voice beside him. Turning so he could see him, he looked at his father.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. Are you all right?"
"Yeah. I-I'm fine." He looked to his older brother who was rubbing a red spot on his head. "Are you okay?"
Don smiled at his little brother. "You've got a hard head. I'm fine, Buddy. Don't worry about me."
But he did. Charlie worried about his older brother a lot. It was out of that worry that he chose not to tell Don the truth. Couldn't Don see it? Didn't he know how much Charlie wanted to protect him, as his older brother protected him?
"I think I'm going to go to bed." Charlie stood and started for the steps.
"Are you sure you're all right?" Alan asked.
"I'm fine, Dad," Charlie replied without looking back. He went to his bed and lay there. He shivered at the memory of his dream. Black crows were poking his eyes and he couldn't see. Everything had gone black, but he could still feel their beaks and claws scratching at him.
As he lay there in bed, he finally let the tears fall. He was behind the safety of his locked door, knowing no one would interrupt his moment to grieve his lost vision.
Meanwhile Alan and Don were still downstairs. Don came closer to his father and looked at his arm.
"Roll up your sleeve," he ordered gently.
"It's fine, Donnie. Don't worry about it."
"Do it."
Sighing, Alan obeyed. He was as surprised as Don was by how it looked beneath the clothing. His arm was red and purple. It was plain to see where Charlie's fingernails had been beneath the bloody areas. It hurt about as bad as it looked.
"Oh, Dad. Let me go get something for that, okay? You sit tight."
Alan smiled at his son's concern. He worried as much as he did sometimes. He was glad that he and his wife had raised two boys who cared so much about their family, though sometimes they weren't too good at showing.
Don came back with a washcloth, a bottle of peroxide, and several band-aids. He kneeled down in front of his father and wet the washcloth with peroxide.
"This may sting a little."
"Haven't I always told that to you?"
Don smiled. "Okay, so maybe I picked that line up from you. It always stung a lot, though."
"That makes me feel better."
Don gently wiped his father's arm with peroxide before he bandaged it.
"I can't believe he got you that good." Don shook his head.
"I know. He seemed okay, though, once he woke up."
"I know. I don't know what it was all about. It was weird, though."
"Yeah."
Once the band-aids were all put on, Don stood. "Better?"
"Yes, thank you Dr. Don."
Don laughed. "I think I'll head home."
"No, no. Stay. Watch the end of the game. Look, it's tied up four to four."
"Well..."
"Come on. Stay. Please."
Don smiled. "All right. If you insist."
Don and Alan stayed up and watched the end of the game. Though disappointed that the Dodgers lost, Don was thankful for the time spent with his dad and brother.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Larry and Amita came over the next day to visit Charlie. They had stopped by a few times since he'd left CalSci. He was out in the garage working on some equations when they came.
"Hello, Charles," Larry said upon his entrance, Amita close behind him.
"Larry! Amita! It's nice to see you. Come on in."
Smiling, the two came in and looked at the board. Sometimes it was hard to follow what Charlie was doing, but Amita could tell, from taking Charlie's classes, that he was just working on questions for his students. They were far too simple for Charlie to be going over.
"How was your appointment yesterday?" Amita asked.
"It was fine. As you can see, I'm able to read and write again. Dad says if I'm out here longer than an hour, though, he'll come in after me. I'm back to full vision."
"That's wonderful news! Do you think you'll be returning to CalSci soon?"
"Well, the fall quarter is almost over. I don't want to confuse the students. They've had Dr. Ashland for a while now, so they're probably comfortable with him. I plan on returning for winter quarter."
"A stupendous idea. I must say, though, your absence has definitely affected the students. I think they all want you back."
Charlie smiled. "Well, they'll get me back soon enough. Winter quarter begins in two weeks."
"Don't I know it. I have to give five different finals next week."
"How about you, Amita? How are you doing with school?"
"It's going well. I've been helping Larry out a lot lately, so I can't complain."
"Well, you can, as long as he's not in here." The three laughed at Charlie's joke. Charlie was thankful no one seemed to hear the emptiness in his laugh, except for him of course.
"I have a class to teach soon, but I wanted to come check on you before hand since we had time from our lunch hour."
"Well, that was thoughtful of you. I should probably stop now anyway or Dad will be out here."
"I'm sure he will. We miss you at CalSci."
"Thank you for saying that. Stop by anytime."
"We will. Bye, Charlie."
"Bye, Amita. Bye, Larry."
"Good-bye, Charles."
Charlie watched his friends leave and waved good-bye to them. Then he went into the kitchen for something to drink. He found a bottle of water and opened it. He drank greedily from the bottle. When he finished, he closed the fridge door and threw away the bottle.
Charlie jumped and screamed when he turned back around and found his father standing against the wall, near where he had just been.
"Dad! You scared me." Charlie put his hand against his pounding heart.
"Are you sure you don't want to tell me something?"
"No. I-I don't know what you're talking about. I'm going to get back to work, okay?"
Charlie quickly escaped the kitchen.
Alan held a greater suspicion now, one that scared him. If it was true, it would change things. Still, his oldest couldn't find out. Alan wouldn't tell him. It would be hard to keep such a secret from his son, though. He would learn to do it. He'd have to for Don's sake.
Tomorrow, he planned on testing out his theory on what Charlie wasn't telling him. He prayed it wasn't true.
I'm so sorry this is so short. Yesterday I was gone all day and I barely got the computer Friday. I'm SO sorry! I'll update with a better one Wednesday, okay? I'm soooo sorry! Please forgive me!