Charlie could feel an aching pain in his back. When he turned over it felt even worse, but by then he could understand why it hurt. He was laying on the couch still and had spent the night there. His father must have brought him a pillow and a blanket because they hadn't been there before.
Charlie ran a hand over his pillow and could feel its dampness. He could remember crying last night, but the pillow wouldn't still be wet. He must have felt the power of his dreams more than he thought.
Charlie stumbled out of the garage and went inside his home. Alan was setting a plate of waffles on the table. He looked over when the side door opened and his son walked in. He smiled sadly at him, feeling the same weight as his son, though Charlie would have argued otherwise.
Silently Charlie sat down at the kitchen table and looked up at his father. He couldn't think of what to say.
"Has, um, has Don called?" It was the first thing on his mind, but he figured he already knew the answer.
"No. I'm sorry, kiddo." Charlie felt like crying again, but managed to keep from it.
He nodded in understanding. Don had a right to be upset. Charlie just couldn't stand it being this way.
"Did you sleep okay? I couldn't wake you so I left you out there to sleep. I hope you were warm enough."
Alan had hated seeing his son out there. He had found him curled up in a ball whimpering. Alan had stayed out there for an hour, just holding Charlie and rocking him back and forth. He wished he could do the same for his oldest. He knew Don was also hurting, maybe even worse than Charlie. But Don wouldn't let him in. He never really had.
Alan sat down beside Charlie and watched him eat. Charlie picked at his food and each bite seemed to stick at the lump in his throat.
"Oh my boy." Alan leaned forward and wrapped his arms tightly around Charlie, hoping to some how absorb his son's pain. The warm embrace of his father's arms made Charlie want to cry even more. He managed to only let a few tears slip. He leaned heavily against his father.
"Something good will come of this. I promise."
Charlie could only hope his father was telling the truth.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By the end of the week, Don had decided to go into the woods, near the foothills of the San Gabriel Mountains. It wasn't too far away, but he knew he'd have to find a secluded area. He had picked a log cabin to rent. There he was far enough away to live in peace, but close enough to society that he could get help easily if he needed it. He honestly didn't plan on leaving the cabin if he could keep from it. He'd be off for a whole week. It would have to be enough time to deal with his troubles. Don figured it would be long enough at least for him to have a handle on his emotions. If he hadn't figured out what to do about him and Charlie by then he knew it could wait.
Don did feel loads of guilt. It was the only thing that kept him from completely leaving his brother and father for a while. He hadn't allowed why Charlie did it to seep in yet, but he did feel the guilt heavily. It had been bad enough knowing he had caused his brother lots of physical pain. He had been sorry enough for causing that. But the permanent damage he had done should have been unforgivable.
But Don hadn't seen any anger in his brother's face. He'd only seen fear. Don truly believed his brother when he'd said that it wasn't all his fault. Don had been the one to lay the blame on himself, not Charlie. He appreciated it, too.
But it wasn't enough. Don thought he and Charlie had come to the point where they trusted each other with private information. If that was so, Don should have been one of the first to find out about Charlie's eye, not Megan. He couldn't count the number of times he'd seen Charlie since the accident. He was an FBI agent! He should have seen that something was wrong. But, no, he was too blinded by wanting his brother to be okay to see that Charlie wasn't.
Don felt sorry for his brother. He felt responsible for why Charlie was half blind. But he also felt so... betrayed.
No bullet had hurt as much as his brother's betrayal. It was so wrong. Don couldn't begin to name all the feelings inside him. It was too much. It had been too important for Charlie not to have told him. He could have told him so many times. But he never did. When he finally told Don, it was because his brother could already see it.
Don ran a hand through his hair. He couldn't grasp his emotions and it bothered him. He felt a pressing need for control. He couldn't get it here, knowing his brother would be so close and would probably try to reach him. Don couldn't handle that right now. It was too hard.
He was actually getting ten days off. Today was his first day. He couldn't face any more time with Megan. She had tried to apologize three times then tried to get him to talk to Charlie five. He couldn't take that. It had been hard enough for him to keep his mind off his brother.
The next day would be spent traveling and resting. When he was to the point of full potential, he'd think. He'd think a lot over his vacation, until he finally came up with some way to forgive his brother or to get this resolved.
He had no idea how he'd do either.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After trying but failing to reach Don throughout the week, Charlie could hardly stand it. He'd heard from Megan that Don would be taking time off today. He couldn't find out where Don was going. Apparently his brother wasn't telling anyone, or at least anyone who could tell him.
On Friday night, the night before Don was to leave, Charlie and his father ate silently. Charlie, as usual, was lost in thought.
Alan, who seemed to have grayed more in the past few days in all his sixty-four years, was trying to hold himself together. He had tried and failed to talk to his oldest son. It was beginning to affect him. He couldn't continue like this. He had gone through it years before and he didn't want to have to again. He wasn't strong enough. Alan knew that it had affected Charlie last time, too.
Things had changed dramatically since then, though. Alan felt closer to his boys and he knew the two were closer now as well. It was more personal this time. It was too painful.
Charlie could think of no other way around it. Suddenly he stood up and Alan looked at his son.
"I'm going to him, right now."
Alan sighed with relief. "Thank God. Please... fix this."
"I will, Dad. I have to."
Charlie rode his bike quickly to his brother's apartment complex. Upon arrival, he quickly ran up the stairs and knocked on his brother's door.
Even mad at his brother, Don felt concern when he saw his brother standing outside his door.
"Is everything okay?" he asked when he opened the door, though his tone didn't exactly tell how concerned Don really was.
"No. Can I come in?"
Don stepped away from the door and let Charlie enter. He didn't want him here, but seeing how awful his brother looked kept him from slamming the door in Charlie's face.
"We-we have to talk." Charlie chastised himself for not thinking more about what he'd say.
"No, we don't. Is Dad all right?" Don knew his brother said something wasn't right, but he figured he was referring to their situation.
"No. He's miserable. I don't remember him looking so scared and sad, even when Mom was sick."
"Yeah, well, you didn't see him near the end, did you?" Don saw his brother flinch and took perverse pleasure in it.
"Don, I don't want to fight you. Please, hear me out."
"I'm listening. Talk. I need to get some sleep soon."
Charlie was pleased his brother had allowed him to get this far. He wouldn't stop now.
"Please. Don't go. You- you can't. We'll work something out together. It'll never get settled if you leave."
The desperation in Charlie's voice made Don want to cave, but he couldn't.
"I'm leaving. It's just for a week. I can't work it out with you when you're my biggest problem."
Charlie hated the way that sounded. He had to keep reminding himself that Don was upset. This wasn't normal behavior for his brother.
"I-I know we can get through this. We have to. It's killing Dad; it's killing me. I-I-I want want to be able to help you understand. I can't let you continue hating me."
"I never said I hated you." Don could actually feel his strong guard melt a little.
"Oh?" Charlie felt a glimmer of hope. "I'm glad to hear that. You have to understand that what I did was to protect you. It wasn't meant to hurt you, I swear. I'd never do something like that to intentionally hurt you. I just didn't want you to have to go through blaming yourself."
"Well, you chose wrong. Are we done?"
"No! Please, Don. You have to understand my side! I can't let you do this alone. I can't let you do this to Dad. Do it to me, or whatever you like, but don't punish Dad. He's suffered enough."
"You know, Charlie, I can do whatever the hell I want. You've been saying I have to do a lot of things and you think you can stop me from doing what I want to?" Don felt his anger rise so he took a deep breath to calm himself.
"Look, just go all right? I really don't want this to get any worse."
"Don, you can't-"
"I said go!"
"You begin to wonder why you came."-The Fray in "How to Save a Life"
Don's anger showed through once more, but Charlie stayed where he was.
"No. I won't leave you like this. It can't happen."
"Charlie, go. Now."
"No! I'm staying right here."
The two brothers faced off and glared at each other. When Don could see Charlie wasn't going to give up easily, he took matters into his own hands.
"Fine. We'll do this the hard way."
Charlie hated what was about to happen. He knew his brother was too strong for him to have a chance at stopping Don. His older brother grabbed him by the wrist and began to pull him to the door.
"No, Don, please! We can work this out! You can't do this!" Charlie screamed as he fought against his brother.
Don won quickly as he slung his brother out the door. Charlie caught himself on the railing outside and by the time he turned around Don had closed and locked the door, even going so far to hook the bolt and chain.
Don slammed the door behind him and slid his back against it until he reached the floor. Light tears came to his eyes.
Charlie wasn't going to leave so easily. He went to the door and pounded on it.
"Don! Please, don't do this! I'm sorry! I never meant for this to happen. Please believe me!" Charlie pounded on the door with his fists.
Don felt the impact of each blow physically. Each pound felt like a stab in his stomach. He had more trouble holding back tears.
"Don, no! It can't be like this! We gotta make this work! I won't go back to the way we were! I can't, Don! Don't make me. Please, don't make me!"
Don could hear the moment his brother fell against the door, heard him slide down. Then came the broken tears that also set off Don's tears.
"Please. Don, no. Please. Please. I-I-I love you. Please. Don't make it end like this. I need you. Don't leave me. Please."
Don heard his brother's quiet pleas, but he couldn't reach Charlie now. The brothers were separated by more than just a door now.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Charlie gave up by eleven o'clock. He had begged his brother to stay, had asked to know where he was going. He had to reach him, but Don was at a place where Charlie's arms couldn't reach.
Charlie forgot he had brought his bike so he walked home. It was incredibly stupid of him. It was amazing he hadn't been mugged. He wouldn't have noticed, though.
He stumbled inside his home after midnight. He was surprised when his father appeared.
"I didn't expect you to be awake still." The emptiness in Charlie's voice made Alan find his answer quickly.
"What happened?"
Charlie remained silent for a long time before he turned to his father. "I-I lost him. I lost him and I don't think I'll get him back... I'm so sorry."
Charlie sank heavily onto one of the kitchen chairs, as though a great weight had pushed him down. In Alan's mind he saw his son age. He stepped to his son, hoping he could ease some of Charlie's ache.
When Alan placed his hands on Charlie's shoulders, Charlie flinched.
"Don't, please. I... I don't deserve your comfort."
Alan saw his son slip away from him. He could see such a similarity between his sons. He knew now that Charlie was just as strong as Don. They both fought alone. Neither had to. It was their choice to be alone.
Respecting his son's wish, Alan nodded and started to walk away. "Don't stay up too late, kiddo."
When Alan was out of sight, Charlie dropped his head to his hands. He couldn't cry. He had brought this on himself. It was his fault. He could have changed this, could have prevented his family this pain.
It was all his fault. He had been so wrong. He had seen the pain on his brother's face. It was the last thing he had wanted. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. Charlie would settle for being blind in both eyes if it meant he could have his brother back. He feared Don would change his mind and stay gone longer. Eventually he'd get to liking being on his own again and he'd forget about them. If that happened, Charlie didn't know how he'd survive. He was barely surviving now.
Charlie didn't remember ever feeling so scared and lost before in his life.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don saw his brother's bike outside his apartment the next day. If he had been in a better mood he would have brought it to his brother. He couldn't do that, though. The sight of it bothered him and he quickly packed his bags in his SUV before he had to see it any longer.
Arriving at his destination, Don breathed in the clear air. It was different from the crowded, polluted air of LA. Though he'd always lived in bigger city areas, Don always had had a heart for the outdoors. His cabin was surrounded by woods and perched on a hill. The view from his bedroom window was beautiful. The fall colors had disappeared, now leaving the trees bare. The winter weather had taken the color away, but the beautiful creeks and hills still showed the mountain's majesty.
Don moved into the living room and stretched on the comfy couch. Resting his hands behind his head, he was actually able to relax. He fought away all thoughts of Charlie for the moment. For now he just wanted to sleep.
A pain tore inside him, causing Don to wake up. He quickly shot up into a standing position. He looked around, almost expecting to see some evil there to get him.
The pain attacked him again and it took his breath away. Don gasped for breath as he sank to his knees.
Alone. The word tore through him. It wasn't something he had considered before.
The emptiness threatened to consume him. Without Charlie and Alan, Don was alone. They were his only family. He had friends, sure. But his only constants were his family. The only people he could always depend on were his family. He needed them.
Without them, he was alone, nothing. If he couldn't forgive them, he'd be alone. He'd have no one to look after him, no one to talk to when he'd be in need. Alone. It hurt.
Don never planned on it to hurt so much. It would definitely affect his decision by the end of the week. He knew he couldn't be alone forever.
But what if he couldn't forgive them? Would he be able to stay away from them long enough, or would family ties bring them together?
Alone. He didn't like the feeling.
He had come here running away from pain, but he had found a new pain here, named alone.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Charlie returned to school as usual on Monday. By four o'clock in the afternoon, he was being asked to leave.
"What? Dr. Adams, please don't do this. I-I need this job. I have to have some way to keep busy."
He was talking to Dr. Marcus Adams, the college president of CalSci. Someone had been watching him. When Charlie made four mistakes and needlessly corrected a student, he was called into Dr. Adams' office.
"I'm not firing you, Charles. I just want you to take some time off. I believe you've come back too soon. Something is still bothering you and it's affecting your work. I can't have that. You may return when you're ready. Until then, Greg Johnson will be taking over for you."
"But-"
"No buts. Go home. I need you to get better."
"Yes, sir."
Larry, having heard Charlie was in Dr. Adams' office, was waiting on his friend outside since he was on break from his classes.
Charlie came out feeling hollow. Work was the one thing that kept his mind busy. If he had to be at home all day with nothing to do, he'd start thinking about Don. And that would be too hard.
"Charles? Is everything okay?" Larry asked as he fell into step beside Charlie.
"I'm being forced to take another leave. I messed up, Larry. I messed up and it cost me the one thing that kept my mind busy. What am I going to do now?"
"I don't know. You'll think of something, I'm sure. You know I'm here if you need me, don't you?"
"Yes, Larry. I do. Thanks."
Charlie took out his cell phone and dialed the taxi cab company he used often. He had quite a ways to go today.
"Who was that?" Larry asked once he'd hung up.
"Taxi service."
"Taxi service? Why? Can't your father take you home today? I would offer, but I have a class soon."
"No. I don't want him to take me home. I want to go some where else."
"Where's that, Charles?"
"The beach."
"What? Why?"
"You wouldn't understand. I'll see you later."
Charlie went out to the front of the school to wait for the taxi to come pick him up.
Larry didn't understand why Charlie wanted to go to the beach. He feared something was wrong so he chose to call Alan. He didn't reach him at home, so he promised himself he'd call after his class or sooner. Charlie may need his father.
Charlie paid the driver and went out to the beach. It was time for high tide. No one was where he went, which was exactly why he went there. It had been a favorite spot for the Eppes family. It was where he and Don had spent many summer days and even weekends. The water was cold, but Charlie didn't mind, even though it was the beginning of winter. It didn't affect them as much. He wouldn't have cared anyway.
He laid down on the sand, still fully clothed, including his shoes. He watched seagulls fly over head and he wished for the same carefree nature. No worries for the birds. No brother to betray unintentionally. No pain to start from somewhere deep inside and spread through your body like blood flows.
It was too much for him. He wanted his brother. At times like these he would call his brother to get him out of this slump. But because of him, his brother wouldn't care less if he was having so much pain. Charlie had caused Don enough.
The water began to reach the bottom of his feet. It felt cold to him, but soon he got used to it as the waves repeatedly hit his feet and slowly worked up his body. If he was in a real hurry he would have done his head first.
Charlie lay there and waited for the tide to take him away. Suicide wasn't on his mind, just an escape. He needed to escape and he relied on the waves to help take him. The soothing sound of the waves beating against the sand and against him calmed his racing mind. If he couldn't keep his job, he could lay here and do this all day.
Charlie let the waves lull him. He waited for a brilliant thought to arise, but one never came. He just laid there alone. Alone was how he'd been feeling a lot lately. He wanted that to end, but one person would make the difference for him. That one person would never come. He couldn't call on big brother to save him now. He had sabotaged that relationship. Maybe if he stayed away he could save his father from the grief he'd bring.
Alone. Alone on a beach, waiting for the waves to take him away, Charles Edward Eppes lay there. No one was there. He didn't deserve anyone to come to his rescue, but he still prayed for the one person to come. But Don wasn't coming. Don may never come back.
It was his own fault, so Charlie accepted the fact. He waited for the waves to come closer and slowly take him out to see. Maybe then he could forget for a minute how much he hurt and how ruined his life was.
Maybe.
This chapter's title comes from the song "Tales of Another Broken Home" by GreenDay. Thanks to knadineg for that!
Sorry again for taking so long. I know, I stink at this sometimes. I hope you're not too mad. I do work hard on these, I promise you!
The quote added in the story there is just perfect for that moment I think. I suggest you read the lyrics to the song "How to Save a Life" because it explains that moment between Don and Charlie SO well. It's awesome and The Fray are awesome.
Thanks for keeping with me this far! We'll keep on going, right? See you later!