A/N: I really like how this chapter came out, although it took me a long time to write. I'm sorry if there are a lot of mistakes, but I started writing it at 2am and it's now 6:30. I kind of kept getting distracted and am so tired, so it came out slow. Let me know what you think. XXXXX means I think (chapter 1).

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Chapter 15: The walls crumble

The drive from their parent's house to their apartment was completely silent. Not a single word was uttered. Neither looked at the other, or stole a secret glance. Both minds were running a mile a minute, not focusing on one thing for too long.

George's words echoed in his head, "I'm sorry if my actions have deterred your own. I fell in love and I wouldn't take that back for anything. I just wish you the same happiness that I found." Derek's father's actions did deter him from acting on his feelings. But he seemed understanding and apologetic, wanting Derek to be happy and in love.

Derek knew his father gave him the go ahead to be happy, giving him the ability to express his feelings. Derek was also pretty sure that his father knew who would make him happy. Casey MacDonald, his stepsister, would make him happier than any other person in the world ever could. But how could he be so accepting of this? Dad should be thinking it's not normal, he should be pulling me out of school and as far away from Casey as possible. But here he was, driving his way back to Toronto, going back to his and Casey's apartment, where they lived, all alone.

What did that mean? "Longer than you know." Longer than I know what? Derek couldn't grasp what the four little words could have possible meant. They held so much meaning, he knew his dad intended them to mean something specific, but he couldn't get a hold of what it was. In all actuality, he knew exactly what they meant, but his mind would not let it register, would not let him accept that Casey was waiting for Derek to show his feelings for her, meaning that she had the same feelings for him.

It confused Derek more than anything had ever confused him in his entire life.

Casey kept just as quiet as Derek was on the outside, but on the inside she was screaming. She ran through a million possibilities of what her mother's words could have possible meant, but they all came back to one conclusion. She knows how I feel, and she's fine with it. She's fine with it. "No matter who it is our children love, I will support them." And Casey loved Derek, and she was pretty sure that her mother was okay with it. She wants me to be happy.

Her happy thoughts ran away from her. She couldn't believe that her mom would be okay with it. Isn't it supposed to be wrong to her? Shouldn't she be mad and reprimand me? Casey thought that she read too much into her mother's words, thinking that she got it all wrong.

But Casey was pretty sure her mother gave her approval, allowing her to be happy, even if it was with Derek Venturi, her stepbrother. Although her mind told her that her mother thought it was wrong, Casey still heard her mother's voice in her head, "And it's not wrong. We cannot help who we love." Those words told her so much, gave her so much hope, telling her that she did not upset her mother with her love for Derek.

Alike Derek, the last words that her mother said seemed to haunt her. "Longer than you know." It could have meant anything, even though she was sure her mother meant it to be a very definitive sentence. But Casey would not give herself hope, the hope that Derek waited to hear what Casey wanted to say for years, because he wanted to say the same thing.

Finally reaching their destination, Derek and Casey made their way into their apartment. They were both unaware that the other had the same speech said to them, the speech that they couldn't get out of their heads. They wouldn't be disappointed or do anything to stop them.

Derek immediately went to his room and shut his door. He needed to sort through everything that was going on. So much had happened in 24 hours, so much he wanted to happen for more than 2 and ½ years. But now he was still not sure what to do.

Casey had decided to do the same thing. She was pacing her bedroom, trying to organize her thoughts. The only thing in her life that she was never able to carefully categorize into color coded sections was her feelings for Derek. And after the past 24 hours, she had no idea what she was going to do.

Breaking them away from their thoughts, both Derek and Casey heard a ding from their own cell phones. Casey found her phone first and opened it, noticing she had a text message. Opening it, she saw that it was from her stepbrother, Edwin.

Hey, sorry we didn't get to say goodbye. Just wanted to tell you that we love you and we understand. Good luck. Love Edwin, Lizzie and Marti.

Casey stood there looking at her phone in complete shock. Does everyone know? There were so many little innuendos in what everyone was telling her that night, telling her they knew. No one besides Emily actually came out and said it, but they all told her in their own way that they knew.

She was sick of her head screaming and the silence in the apartment was slowly driving her crazy. Casey walked over to her stereo and hit the "on" button. It was on some preset station in the area, the first one that she had found when they moved in. When she heard what song was on, she completely froze.

Derek was just closing his phone, after reading the same exact text message that Casey read a few seconds before him. He couldn't believe it was so obvious to everyone around him. He didn't want to think it was obvious to Casey. He didn't want to think that she knew this whole time and that she was trying to let him down easily by standing by and not saying anything.

He was pulled from his thoughts when the quiet apartment erupted in music. It wasn't very loud, but he could hear it nonetheless. The song was loud in his ears because he had heard it so many times before. Listening to where the song began, he stopped thinking and stood still, absorbing the lyrics.

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you

The second they heard what song it was, and what part it was up to, their minds were changed. People knew, their family was accepting, there was no turning back. Although they both still thought that they faced rejection and complete heart break, they knew they had to get the past 2 and ½ years off their chests. By the line "But I've got to try," Derek and Casey were rummaging through their bags, looking for the things that would explain everything.

Derek grabbed his drawings and letter and rushed to his closed door. Opening it swiftly, he was surprised to meet eyes with Casey, who was in her own doorway. Without breaking eye contact, they walked the two feet into the hallway, bringing them merely inches apart.

Holding out their respective items, the finally broke eye contact and looked at what the other had in their hand. Casey saw a stack of papers and an envelope. She couldn't make out what was on the pieces of paper, because they were turned over, but she somehow knew that what was on them would change her life. She looked up to give Derek a questioning look, but found he had a look filled with questions on his own face, as he stared at the simple notebook in her hand.

Casey reached out and took the stack of papers, placing the notebook in Derek's hand. She turned to go into her bedroom, hearing Derek's own door shut just as she was closing her door.

Making her way to her bed, she sat down at the foot of it, crossing her legs underneath her. Slowly, she turned the pile over, so that the envelope was now on the bottom and the papers were now displaying what was on them. Shock took over, she didn't believe what she saw. She didn't believe that it was her own face staring up at her.

Casey always knew Derek was an amazing artist. She knew he had a style all his own, one that she could always recognize. Derek had always drawn these amazing things, pictures that she always thought he would be famous for. He only drew things that he really cared about.

Looking down at the drawings of herself, Casey thought that she was looking into a mirror. The resemblance was uncanny, it couldn't be anyone else. She was stunned to find them look so much like her, to find every feature of her face perfectly represented. What shocked her most was the piercing blue eyes that stared back at her, the eyes that looked so much like her own.

Turning the first paper over, she noticed it was dated. The date was over two years ago, back during the summer between her sophomore and junior year of high school. She knew exactly what date it was. It was the day after Derek's cousin's wedding.

Placing the first drawing in front of her on the bed, she picked up the next one. It held a similar image as the first. It was primarily black, but alike the first one, the eyes were blue. She again turned it over and noticed the date was a little after the first one. Not wanting to cover the first one, she placed this one besides it.

Casey went page by page, seeing herself in all of them. There were some full body drawings, each in a different pose. But most of them were of her face. They all displayed the same blue eyes. She inspected all of them like she was studying for a test. She studied every mark made by the pen, every stroke that Derek made.

By the time she came across the last drawing, Casey's entire room was filled with papers. She spread them all over the place, trying not to cover any of them. She did not want to stop looking at any of them. They told her so much, told her heart so much. She turned the last one over and noticed that the date was the day before they left for college.

Carefully placing the last picture of herself on the floor besides her, she turned the envelope over. She wasn't sure what to expect. Her heart was pounding, threatening to explode out of her chest. But her mind was still rational, telling her not to get her hopes up. It told her that whatever was inside the envelope would be something telling her this was all a prank, although she was beginning to understand the emotion she always saw in Derek's eyes. Her heart was telling her it was love.

Opening the envelope, she pulled the piece of paper out, unfolded it and began to read. It was dated the same day as the last picture.

Dear Casey,

I honestly don't know if your beautiful eyes will ever read this. I don't know how many letters I have written, I don't know how many I have burned. There is so much that I want to tell you, so much that I want to convey. It is so hard, so hard to try and explain everything that I feel about you. I am not very good with the words, that has always been your specialty.

If I ever decide to not burn a letter and give it to you, I plan on giving you all of the drawings I have drawn of you. I would hope that it would be enough to show how I feel. I kind of hope that I will one day have the courage to actually tell you.

When I look at the wall that separates us, I am always in a trance. The drawings come out of me automatically when I look at that wall. It's as if I'm on autopilot. I feel like I am sitting there with you, I see your face and my hand moves on its own. I never even realize that I am drawing, or that I even pick up a blue pen to color in your eyes. I don't even know where the blue pen comes from.

I guess I have always felt something for you. But, I finally realized it the day that you broke up with Sam. It kills me knowing that he has kissed your perfect lips, touching you in a way that I never will have the privilege to. I pray that one day you will let me, the day that I will feel perfection against my own lips. It drives me crazy when you gnaw at your lower lip, I'm always afraid that you will hurt yourself.

There was something in your eyes that day, the eyes that I find I get lost in. People say that the eyes are the windows to the soul. I have tried so many times to find out what you are thinking, to see into your soul. But I only get lost, lost in your perfect blue orbs.

I wanted to not care about you, I tried to deny how I felt for a long time. I was only lying to myself. Everything changed at my cousin's wedding. Holding you in my arms, wiping away your tears, I never wanted to let you go. It completely broke my heart to see you cry, I will do anything in my power to never cause you so much pain ever again. I felt that you fit perfectly in my arms, your body molded just right against me. I dream of that day over and over, still feeling the warmth that was coming off of you.

I bet you don't even know how absolutely flawless you are. From your luscious dark brown locks to your fabulous body, everything about you amazes me. I find myself drooling when I think about you, when I look at you. But what always gets me are your eyes. I know exactly what you are thinking when I look at them. I see when you find something funny, or when you are truly happy. I adore it when I see your smile reach your eyes. I see them in my dreams, every time I close my own. It's only when you look at me that I have no idea what you are thinking. When our eyes lock, I completely lose myself.

It's not only that you are stunningly gorgeous, beauty that cannot be compared. Even goddesses would envy you. It's also your personality that pulled me in. There are so many attributes about you, it's hard to just name a few. You are kind, intelligent, feisty and so passionate. You're open to new things, stubborn about everything, and have a heart of gold. There is not a single thing that I would change about you.

You never once gave in to me, you challenged me any chance you got. You also put your heart into everything you do. Whether it's a school project or helping someone you care about, you never give anything but your best. When you interact with the family, I notice how you get carried away, trying to make everything perfect, trying to please everyone. You are not very subtle though, you bluntly state things and always want to get your way. The fact that you organize everything in your life intrigues me, it makes me wonder where I fall in all of your order.

I have begun to hate my father, which kills me. If only he didn't marry your mother, if only we weren't stepsiblings, if only. But then I think that I would have never met you. I would have never seen your face, had a conversation with you, gotten to know the perfection that can only be described as Casey MacDonald. And for that, I silently thank him in my mind everyday.

I feel the need to thank you. Not only have you made me feel, you also changed me. Before you came into my life, I didn't have a care in the world. I was a womanizer and I regret that. I regret every girl that I ever kissed, because I secretly wish that my first and last kiss was with you. I also didn't care about school. I only did enough work to just get by and barely pass my classes. You pushed me without knowing it. I wanted to be better, get good grades so that I can one day get into a great university, so I can make something of myself. I wonder if you noticed my transformation.

I also feel that an apology is in order. I am sorry for those first few months that I was bitterly mean to you. I guess I was trying to cover my feelings, but still trying to be near you at the same time. I would take back all of it if I could.

You mean so much to me, you are my muse, my everything.

I love you,

Derek

Casey felt the walls around her heart crumble.

Derek sat down on his bed and stared at the notebook in his hands. He couldn't imagine what the book could possibly hold. He thought it could be almost anything. His worst fears crept into his head. He thought the book contained what Casey really thought about him. He thought it held hateful comments about him, making fun of everything about him.

Closing his eyes, Derek opened the front cover. Taking a deep breathe, he slowly opened his eyes. Quickly scanning the page, he noticed it was a diary. It didn't have anything girly, the entry didn't start with a "Dear diary", it just started with a date. And he recognized that first date. He knew it very well. It was the day after his cousin's wedding.

His eyes ran over the page, reading every word, absorbing everything Casey wrote. She poured her heart out into this book, Derek could feel it. Seeing his name, his heart almost stopped. At first it was about this person that she cared for, this person that made her heart swell. Then his eyes found his name and he couldn't believe that it was about him.

Quickly turning the page, Derek's eyes hungrily read the entry. His eyes ran over the page with speed he didn't know he had. He was never a fast reader, he would usually have to read something a few times to truly understand it. But he understood and soaked up every word with an insane amount of velocity. The words travel straight to his heart.

Going from entry to entry, Derek's fingers absentmindedly traced the wrinkles in the page, following the path of her tears. It pained him, knowing that Casey would cry while she wrote in the book. It made his heart break, feeling the pain Casey felt. He felt the same pain everyday, keeping his thoughts and feelings to himself.

Reading the entries only once, Derek felt like they were engraved in his head. Every time he saw his name amongst the rest of the words his heart swelled. This was definitely going to be his favorite book, he planned on reading it everyday for the rest of his life.

Derek finally reached the last page. He didn't want it to end, he wished it would go on forever. But he was starting to understand what the emotion in Casey's eyes were, the one he could never decipher before, love. This last entry was dated the day before they left for college.

It happened again today. I was swept away in my thoughts of him again. He consumes my every thought, turning me into a zombie. I saw a note that he was playing hockey with some friends, so my body took over. I baked him cookies without realizing I was doing it. I couldn't wait to see the look on his face when he would eat them when he got home. I wonder if he likes mine any better than my mom's, I sure hope he does.

Mom almost caught me today and I didn't even realize that I had done it. I can't even remember what I was thinking about while I was doing it. When I took the last batch out of the oven, those five letters were staring up at me, the five letters that make the perfect word. D-E-R-E-K. I can't believe I was able to shove all five cookies into my mouth before my mom saw them.

Derek. Is there really anything else that I need to say? It's crazy, but he's absolutely perfect. It drives me insane seeing him everyday and not being able to tell him. How am I going to live with him alone? He's gorgeous. I have never seen another man who could compare to him. From his hair that calls to my hands to his perfectly shaped lips. I sometimes have a hard time breathing just thinking about him, let alone seeing him.

But those eyes get me every time. I find myself falling over my feet when I look into them. They make my knees weak. Those chocolate brown orbs probe me, I sometime worry if he can see right through me when he looks into my own eyes. I find the sparkle that creeps into them so endearing. I see it a lot when he looks at me, but I know that he must be thinking about something else. I can't help but wish that it's me on Derek's mind when his smile reaches his eyes, making the honey around the iris glow.

I feel guilty when I stare at his body. I shouldn't be checking him out, but I can't help it. His toned arms and lean torso makes me want to run my hands all over him. He has really made me love hockey and everything that it has done to his body. He is a complete god. But I honestly think that I would feel that way no matter what he looked like, because it's not only his body that attracts me to him.

The relationship between him and Marti is adorable. There is so much love there. He really is a great brother, even to Edwin and Lizzie. He is actually great at everything he does, I wish I had the courage to tell him. I wish I could tell him how he is kind and caring. How he is so sincere, smart and stubborn. He always wants to get his way, refusing to ever be wrong. He is so cocky and he has every right to be.

I was used to getting my way before I met Derek. He became my greatest challenge the second I met him. And what can I say, I adore a good challenge. There is this passion in him draws me to him. He always made me fight for what I felt I deserved. He put me in my place time after time. He made me who I am today and I greatly appreciate him for that.

The day I realized how I felt still haunts me. I feel terrible that I used Sam, that I kissed him when I was subconsciously thinking of Derek. I may not have known it before, but seeing him barge into the bathroom that day made it all clear. He was who I imagined every time, who I longed for. I wish I had my first kiss with him, with those lips that I see in my dreams. I am jealous of every girl he has ever kissed.

Derek makes me feel so comfortable. He is the only person I have ever opened up to about my father. I couldn't believe that I just broke down, and in front of him no less. But I was so thankful that Derek was there. He held me up when I was so low, he brushed my tears away, he was my shoulder to cry on. I wanted to stay in his arms forever. I miss the feeling of our bodies fitting perfectly together, he is the missing piece to my puzzle. I still feel the warmth radiating off of his body.

I wish I could tell him how proud of him I am. Everything he does makes me want to tell him how amazed I am. He is so talented. I would have never thought that he would be such an incredible artist, it seems like he surprises me everyday. I really wish I knew what inspires him. He has changed drastically over the last 3 years. He actually cares about his grades, which he picked up so quickly. I sometimes talk to him about the future and I can't help but wonder if I am in it, if I somehow fit into his life. I can't imagine a future without him in it.

I wish there wasn't this wall between us, and I mean that both literally and figuratively. The literal wall separates us, it stands in the way. It makes him so close but so far at the same time. I know I have written before that the wall had inspired me, inspired me to pursue writing and everything else in my life. But it's what the wall represents, it's Derek that inspires me to be my best and follow my dreams. The figurative wall is around my heart. I can open up to him and tell him everything. We can talk about almost everything, he just makes me feel so comfortable. But there is one thing that I can never talk to him about, one thing that is completely off limits.

The one thing is that XXXXXX I love him.

And with that, the walls around Derek's heart began to crumble.