OK, all throughout this story, I've gotten some fantastic reviews. The majority of you aren't big fans of Erica, or the idea of Erica and Derek being together, save for one or two of you. Now I knew going into this story that you guys weren't going to be big fans of her. I didn't expect you to be.
Her purpose was simple; To show you what my perception of Derek was when he was younger. In my opinion, his marriage to Addison is a big part of why he is the way he is. Am I saying there's something wrong with Derek? Not necessarily, I'm just saying he's damaged. He wasn't always this way. There was a time when he wasn't damaged, so I did my best to portray what that might have looked like.
So here's the truth… At first, you may not like my ending. And that's OK, you don't have to. But I have my reasons for what happens below.
Why? Why? Why did I do this?
First of all, I felt like it needed to be addressed… Think back to your first love. Not your first crush or first boyfriend, but your first LOVE. Unless you're one of the lucky few, you're no longer with that person… There are reasons why it didn't work out… Maybe it never even happened…(Mine was in second grade… We recently reconnected, that's unimportant)
But maybe you wish you could go back, change things? Maybe it was bad timing, maybe it was lack of feelings on the side of the other party… For whatever reason, most of us wish we could go back, get that second chance… Most of the time, we don't get that opportunity… But sometimes, we do…
So…. Without further adieu…
Here we go!!!!!
Aftermath
Chapter 20: Right Where I Need To Be
Derek retreated to his trailer to think. He'd been pacing for hours. He had been prepared to let her go… And now she was dying. She needs to know… She needs to know how I feel. He felt a pull in his conscious…
If I go… If I do this… I can't do it because she's dying. I have to do it because I love her, because I want to be with her. In all honesty, in his heart of hearts, he knew that those sorts of feelings… They'd dimished to an extent… But they'd never gone away fully.
He didn't know why he was giving it anymore thought. He knew what he was going to do. He grabbed his duffle bag and threw a few weeks worth of clothes and other essentials into it. He locked up and threw the bag in the truck and headed to Meredith's.
She'd been off for all of 2 hours, long enough to get home and shower and eat. She was sitting in the living room reading when the door bell rang.
She rose to answer and was surprised at who was on the other side. "Derek." She breathed, trying to keep her heart from leaping into her throat. She didn't have a good feeling about this visit, something in the pit of stomach told her that she wouldn't want to hear whatever it was he had to say.
"Can I come in?" He asked softly, bracing himself against the door jam, his blue eyes probing hers.
She nodded wordlessly, her heart in her throat. I hate when he stands like that… When he looks at me like that. She pushed the screen door open and allowed him to pass, inhaling his scent as he walked by. This is going to be the last time…
He led her to the living room and he sat down on the couch. She chose to remain standing. She kept her distance, not wanting to get too close to him.
He wasn't quite sure how to begin, but he didn't really have to since she began speaking. "This is goodbye, isn't it Derek?" She asked quietly.
He wasn't too surprised that she'd figured it out. She knew things hadn't been the best between them and he wished it didn't have to end this way.
"She… She's my first love. I'm getting a second chance… I can't let it go by…" He whispered.
"Is it true? Is she really dying?" Meredith questioned quietly.
He figured it had gotten around by now. "Yes. She's got a little over a month left to live, give or take." He replied softly.
He has to go. He can't stay and live with himself not being there… It was a sickening feel deep inside her stomach when she realized the choice Derek was making.
"You… You have to go." She said at last.
He looked at her, unsure of how to take her response.
She sunk into the arm chair across from him… "When you chose to stay with Addison, I told you that you had to try, because you wouldn't be you if you didn't. Remember?" She questioned softly.
He did. He remembered that day, her words, all too well. He loved Meredith, without question and to hear her say those words, it had broken him a little bit on the inside.
"I'm not a fool Derek. I know you want things to be the way they were before you met me, before you married Addison… You want things to be the way they were when you were with Erica. And now, you're getting that chance again… And you should take it. You owe that to yourself." She whispered softly to him.
How badly he wished things were different. A part of him was crying out, telling him not to leave this woman in front of him, that it would a grave mistake, that he'd be alone again in a matter of months…
But this was Erica… The 'right girl wrong time' situation… Next to nobody got a second chance with that situation. And now he had it. It didn't matter how much time he got. He was getting time, that's all that mattered to him.
" I may not…. I may not be back… You shouldn't… You shouldn't wait…" He warned her softly as he stood.
She smiled sadly at him. She stood as well and came to stand in front of him. She reached up and pecked him on the corner of the mouth. "I wasn't planning on it." She whispered before heading upstairs, leaving him standing in her living room.
Three hours later, he was boarding a plane for JFK airport.
9 hours after that, he was standing in front of her apartment. He gazed up at her floor, seeing her light in the corner apartment on. He glanced at his watch. It was late, but it didn't surprise him. She'd always been a night owl. He'd gotten many an email and phone call well after midnight before.
He stepped to the intercom and buzzed. A minute later, her sleep deprived voice responded over the buzzer. "Hello?"
"It's me." He replied over the intercom.
She nearly fell on the floor in shock. The last thing she'd expected was for him to show up. She buzzed him up silently.
3 minutes later, he was standing in her doorway. She was leaning against her breakfast bar, staring him down.
"That's not exactly the greeting I was expecting." He joked lamely as she kept her eyes on him, not saying a word.
"You're not supposed to be here. You shouldn't be here. You're here. You know." She said, her voice low and surprisingly calm. Never a good sign from her.
"Richard told me. But only because I didn't give him a choice." Derek said, attempting to defend the chief.
She didn't say a word, just planted her hands on her hips and raised an eyebrow.
"Ok ok… So maybe he should have kept his word. But I wouldn't have had to brow beat him if you'd have just told me." He pointed out, moving closer to her.
She could always count on him to call her on her shit. He knew her better than anyone else, better than she liked to admit.
"Derek, you know how I am." She said, knowing she didn't need to say more, that he would understand.
"Yes I do. And that doesn't make it right. Just because you are a 'way' doesn't mean it's ok." He chided, moving swiftly past her defenses.
Her expression showed her frustration. She rested her palms on the breakfast bar. "Derek, if you came here to lecture me, save it. We both know it's useless." She reminded him.
"I didn't come here to lecture you. I came here to be here with you." He told her, resting a hand on her arm.
"You can't…. I'm… You're…." She faded off, not entirely sure of what to say… She hadn't been expecting that response.
"I know and I can. I'm here… I'm here because I want to be. I…. I love you and I refuse to let you die alone…." He choked out, unable to keep his emotions in check anymore.
"You… you love me????" She sputtered out. She refused to believe what she was hearing. This wasn't happening. He wasn't giving up his life in Seattle… His life with Meredith… Not all of this for her.
"I love you. I never stopped loving you. I thought I had… But this is it. I can't just pretend I don't care… I do. I want to be with you. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry it's taken all this time to do something about it, but I do… I want to be with you." He told her, his hand squeezing hers.
"What… What about Meredith?" She whispered softly.
The question was coming, he'd known that. But it didn't lessen the sting. If anything, it made it worse, because even in the last month of her life, when she should be giving thought to no one but herself, she still put the happiness of others in front of her own.
"She… She understands how I feel. That I need to be here. That I….. love you." He fumbled out at last.
She pulled away from his grasp, needing to gather her thoughts, and as always, it was next to impossible to do that with him standing so close.
"You walked away from that because your ex-wife of over 12 years is dying?" She asked, her voice soft, yet incredulous.
He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Damn it, Erica! Why are you making this so hard!!?? I want this chance with you. I need you…. I just….. need you. When I'm with you, I feel like I did when we first got together… I hate thinking about everything that's gone on since then. Don't you get it!?? Everything that's happened since we ended it… Everything that I've done… It's all been because you left me. I've been trying to find that someone, to complete me… To fix me… And I can't… Addison can't… Meredith can't…." He trailed off.
"They aren't supposed to fix you Derek. I'm not supposed to fix you. You have to fix yourself. Only you can do that." She reminded him.
He smiled sadly. "Always with the psychologist hat… Don't you get what I'm telling you…? When I'm with you… I feel like I am complete. I feel like I'm healed." He explained.
"Derek… We can't… I can't let you do this. I'm not going to be here much longer and I won't let you do this. You have love and happiness with Meredith…. And I won't destroy that… Not for you, and certainly not for her." Erica said, standing firm.
He felt his insides crumbling. "I need to be with you… In any way that you'll have me. I need to be here. Can't you just let me? Can't you just let me love you this last time? This last month? Please Erica…" He begged.
Her heart ached as she watched this man in front of her pour his insides out. Maybe he does actually want to be here… Maybe he does still love me…
She didn't want to die alone. She was damn terrified of it, in fact. But she was Dr. Erica Wakefield… The woman who feared no one… Nothing… Nothing except death, that is.
"Ok." She said at last, her voice barely above a whisper.
Derek had been expecting every other answer except that one. She'd given in, she'd let him win this one.
He stayed. They spent her last month in Manhattan. She stopped practicing. Every day, they spent together. They ate every meal together. They did everything together.
Everything except sleep together. She refused to let him sleep with her. He slept in the guest room. He might love her, but she wasn't letting his whole life go to pieces when she died. She wasn't going to be responsible for that kind of pain.
At first, Derek saw no changes in her, physically or otherwise. His hopes lifted (foolishly). Maybe she wouldn't die. Maybe he wouldn't have to go on without her.
WEEK 1….
She'd experienced little change… She'd lost a bit of weight, 3 pounds maybe, and her skin had grown a bit paler. She regarded herself in the mirror… This was fixable… She started wearing slightly looser fitting clothing and forced herself to sun herself on the balcony… Not like she was in danger of dying from skin cancer.
She rose before him every morning and eyed her refrigerator warily. She wasn't eating much these days. So she'd have an apple and call it breakfast. But she knew Derek would be all over her if he knew how little she was eating. So she'd get out her cereal bowl and spoon and set them in the sink, fill them with water, make them look used. Then she'd pull out her cereal and dump a little of it into the trash…. Just to be believable.
WEEK 2….
16 pounds… He's going to notice that… She pulled on two shirts and jogging sweat pants. She had no appetite whatsoever. She was setting her alarm earlier and earlier just so she could gather the energy to get up before him.
Her cough was getting worse. She'd been sucking down every cough drop, every throat numbing agent known to mankind, just to keep him in the dark.
WEEK 3….
28 pounds. Shit… "C'mon, spare me a little weight here…" She muttered to the gods above as she began her routine of layering her clothing onto herself. She hadn't kept anything down in 3 days. Sure, she'd sucked down some broth here and there, taken a bite or so of apple, but for the most part, everything she ate, came back up. Luckily, he hadn't figured her out yet. She'd been sick to her stomach for the past week, each day getting worse. But she still piled the clothes on, filled her cereal bowl with water, and sunned herself on the balcony. Gotta look healthy… Just a little while longer.
WEEK 4…
49 pounds… I don't own enough clothing to make me look like I weigh 49 pounds more. She wasn't a fool. She knew she was fighting a losing battle. But that didn't mean she stopped fighting. She was perfectly aware that she had weeks left to live. But she wanted them to be as pain free as possible for him. So that meant doing what it took to keep him happy… For just a few weeks more.
It was the beginning of their fifth week together and for the first time, he was out of bed before her. At first, he thought nothing of it, but when the clock hit 10 am, he stood and walked to her room. He peeked his head in and was shocked at what he saw. Her body was clothe in only a tank top and shorts… She looked horrible. Her body was wasting away to nothing, her arms barely as wide as her slender wrists, her legs thin and bony… Her collar bone jutting out… How did I miss this??? Then he saw her clothing piled on the floor. 5 shirts… Two pairs of sweat pants… On her dresser sat at least, 5 different cough remedies… A bottle of tanning lotion beside them…. She'd hidden all the symptoms… All of them.
He heard her stir and he stepped back out of sight, his back to the wall. He heard her stumble to the bathroom, moments later the sounds of her retching echoed through the apartment. His heart skipped a beat and he squeezed his knew what it meant. It was the beginning of the end.
After that, her downward spiral was fast. By the end of the seventh week, she wasn't even able to get out of bed.
It was a Saturday morning when he strolled in with her breakfast. She was staring out the window. "Yell at me." She told him, not looking away from the window.
"What?" He asked, confused as he set her "breakfast" of pills, apple juice and a small cup of oatmeal down on the nightstand next to her.
"Yell at me. Be mad at me. I hid it from you. All of it. For weeks. And you didn't yell. You need to yell. I need you to yell." She explained, her voice small.
"I… I'm not going to yell." He replied softly, standing at the end of the bed.
"Why?" She challenged, her eyes narrowing at the sunlight hitting her face, her hand reaching for the pills on the tray.
"Because it won't change anything and I don't want to fight with you. Not now, and not again." He responded, his voice cracking at the last few words.
She knew he was holding back tears. She knew he didn't want her to see him cry.
"The pharmacy called… My pain killers are ready." She said, giving him the out she knew he needed.
He nodded and moments later he was gone.
As soon as she heard the door slam, she hauled her laptop onto her lap and logged onto American Airlines website and quickly booked two flights.
The first one was one roundtrip from Seattle to New York and back to Seattle. It would leave for New York in two days and would return a week later, date subject to change.
And another one… This on was a one way flight, from New York to Seattle. It was scheduled to head back to Seattle the same day as the first flight.
As soon as she'd done that, she pulled her cell phone off her charger and placed a long distance call to Seattle.
"Erica... Dr. Wakefield…" Meredith trailed off as she heard the woman's voice on the line. This was the last person she'd expected to hear from.
"Meredith. I'm sorry… I know it's odd to hear from me… With Derek being here and all." Erica apologized, feeling bad about how this looked.
"It's ok… I'm actually sort of glad I get to hear your voice…." Meredith replied, cutting herself off before she finished the statement. She has to have a reason for calling me… She wouldn't call me to gloat or to rub this in my face.
"I want you to come here." Erica blurted out after a few silent moments.
Meredith was speechless. "You… You want me to come there? Why?" Meredith finally stuttered out.
"You should be here. For Derek. I'm… I'm not doing so great… And well… That means he's not doing so great." Erica explained softly, swiping at the tears in her eyes.
"You're his first love… And he's losing you… Of course he's not doing well." Meredith concurred, her voice soft and full of concern and pain. She missed him… God she missed him. But he was a good man. He went to her… After her…
"I want you to be here… He needs you… I need you to know… We…We haven't done anything… Or been together. It's been strictly platonic." Erica informed her, doing her best to keep her voice steady.
Meredith felt tears prick her eyes at the woman's explanation. She was dying and all she was doing was explaining her relationship with him…
"I don't…. I don't think he wants me out there… This… I can't… I don't think…" Meredith tried starting many reasons as to why she shouldn't go, but she couldn't put her words into a coherent sentence.
There was silence on Erica's end for several moments. If Meredith hadn't heard her coughing, she'd have thought she'd hung up.
"Meredith. It's my dying wish." She told her quietly.
This woman's dying wish is that I come be with him… "Ok." She whispered softly, barely audible. She couldn't say no. She couldn't.
Erica relayed the flight information and they hung up.
They went about their "normal" behavior for two days. Monday rolled around and Erica was staring anxiously at the clock. It was 4:45. She should be here soon. 15 minutes later, there was a knock on the door.
Derek had been sprawled on the couch he'd moved into her room, reading, lost in his book. The knock had startled him. He shot Erica a look, but her face was mostly hidden by the magazine she was perusing.
He strode to the door and threw it open. Meredith was the last person he expected to see on the other side, but there she was.
His jaw dropped to his chest and his eyes widened. "Hi." She greeted softly.
"Derek, don't be rude. This is still my apartment. I say you have to let her in." Erica said, now standing at the door to her bedroom, leaving heavily on the frame.
He moved to go to her side, to help her back to bed. She stopped him with the snap of her hand. "Don't. I can do it. Both of you, follow me." She told them.
Derek, for once, listened. Meredith followed behind, depositing her bags by the door as she moved.
Once Erica had climbed back into bed, she took the opportunity to attempt to catch her breath. Derek and Meredith could barely watch as she wheezed and coughed her way back to sounding something like normal.
"OK. Now here's the deal. I'm not going to be here much longer. A few days, maybe a week longer. We all know that, we're all doctors here. Derek, I don't want you to be alone. I don't want you to go through this by yourself. I'm not your support, I can't be. I can barely support myself. You need her. You love her. You tell me she understands and she gets it, but you let her go. And I'm not as dumb as you, so I got her back. So here it is kids. My dying wish. My dying wish is for you two to be together. Get married. Have kids. Name one of them after me. Just be happy. You deserve each other. You really do. More than Derek and I do now and maybe even more than Derek and I did 14 years ago. Regardless…. This is what I want. Cause you see, I've made peace with everything else. I've made my peace with the man upstairs. I've come to terms with everything that I've done, that I've accomplished. Everything is wrapped up in a neat little package… Except for you two. I can't wrap up my life… Not unless I know that I'm not breaking you two up. So please, just please, love each other. Think about me, but love each other. Because, right now, I'm right where I need to be." She said, tears now streaming down her cheeks, her skeletal looking shoulders shaking with the sobs.
They said nothing. They couldn't. There was nothing left to say. "I just need a little bit guys." She whispered after a few moments, shooing them out of the room.
They looked at each other and walked out of the room, Derek behind Meredith. As he passed by her bed, he leaned down and pressed a kiss to her lips. "I do love you." He whispered and walked out, the door shutting with a soft click.
4 days later…. Erica died. She passed away in her sleep, Derek was by her side. Meredith stayed for the funeral.
It took them awhile, but they made it back to Seattle. Manhattan was no longer a city Derek hated. It was the city where he spent the best month of his life, with his first wife… With his best friend. As far as he was concerned, Manhattan was his favorite city.
Derek and Meredith did get married. 3 years later. Meredith gave birth to 3 children. The first two were boys… The last was a girl. They named her Erica Anne Shepherd.
So that's it guys. That's Aftermath. That's my story. I truly hope you've enjoyed and please keep reading my other stories.