Innermost Feelings Chapter 19, a life with derek fanfic

A/N: This is another one of those chapters that I had planned from the beginning. It came out exactly the way I planned. I hope you all like it.

This chapter is crazy long, a little more than 12 pages. I was thinking of separating it into 2 chapters, but I decided not to be mean. And besides, I would wind up putting up the next chapter a few minutes after I put up the first.

Songs: "For you I will" by Teddy Geiger and "I knew I loved you" by Savage Garden

Enjoy and review

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Chapter 19: Way with words

"I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" Casey screamed in Derek's direction. She couldn't bring herself to look at him. She didn't want to cry. Not yet anyway.

She turned away from him and walked over to the entrance of their apartment. Casey grabbed the keys to Derek's jeep, their only form of transportation, and slammed the front door shut behind her. She had to get out of there before she broke down.

It had been too much to handle and today was the last straw.

Casey made her way to his jeep and climbed into the driver's side. After turning it on and pulling away from the parking spot, she began think of where to she could go. Subconsciously, she knew exactly where she would end up, but her brain ran through several possibilities.

The library was not an option. She had been out of college for a little under a year now. There would be nothing for her to do there. She could probably sit at a table and read some random book, but she knew she would not be able to concentrate.

Emily's house was also not an option. She had married her high school sweet heart Trevor about 2 years after they all graduated high school. Seeing a happy couple was not in Casey's plans for the day. Also, anywhere with happy people was out, so she threw her thoughts of going to the mall out of her head.

Noticing the familiar scenery around her, Casey realized where she was headed. After a quick right and then a left a few blocks later, Casey pulled into the driveway and killed the engine. She looked up at the large house to her left and let out a sigh. She should have known she would have ended up here. Where else would I have gone?

Making her way up the steps to the Venturi/MacDonald front door, Casey was glad that their parents allowed her and Derek to keep their old keys. George and Nora told them that they were welcomed back anytime, that it was still their home so they should keep their keys, so they wouldn't go to waste sitting in some drawer somewhere.

Making her way into the house, she completely forgot that no one would be there. Edwin and Lizzie would be graduating high school in about two months, so during their spring break from school, her mom suggested that they take a family vacation. Casey wanted to go but Derek had said he was busy with work, so they stayed home.

Without knowingly walking up the stairs, Casey found herself in front of her old bedroom door. She slowly opened it and was hit with a thousand memories. The time when she first moved into the room, after there was a huge fight about her needing more space than the pathetically small room that they expected her to share with Lizzie. Then there was the time that Edwin, Lizzie and Marti came in and wanted to discuss what they should do for Derek's 17th birthday. She didn't understand at the time why they would go to her for advice, not understanding what they meant when they said that she knew him more than any of them did. Of course, Marti knew him, but her suggestion of a kitten as a gift was ignored. Finally, she remembered the time during one of their vacations that Derek and Casey were caught making out on her bed by George and Nora. Then they were given the 'talk', but halfway through it George asked if he was wasting his and Nora's time. The embarrassed look on Casey's face and the happy reminiscent look on Derek's told their parents they didn't need the 'talk' after all, it was too late.

Derek, Casey thought with both disgust and love. She couldn't comprehend what was wrong with him lately. It had been almost 5 years since they admitted their feelings and got together. 5 years without a single argument other than what they wanted to eat for dinner. But this past week had been completely different and Casey couldn't help but feel distressed, depressed and heartbroken.

Slumping against the wall, 'that wall', Casey knew that she wouldn't be able to look at it. This wall that was supporting her now had seemed to support her for so many years. 7 years she thought, 7 years I have loved him. But it felt like yesterday to her. There had never been a dull day since then. And since they got together, her life seemed like it was a fairytale. She got her Romeo.

College was the best years of their lives. They fully enjoyed them, and it was probably because they were finally together. Casey spent a few hours sitting against the wall thinking about the 4 years that they spent in college. There was a smile on her lips the whole time she was thinking about the times they spent together. Nights studying, weekends relaxing, holidays celebrated. It was all so perfect.

And she remembered that it was within their first few months of college that they both realized the careers they decided to pursue. Casey decided she wanted to become an English teacher. She wanted to inspire those that were younger than her and make them enjoy reading and writing as much as she did. And after Derek's drawing class during their freshman year, Derek too realized that he wanted to teach. He wanted to mold young minds and instill the importance of the arts within them.

Knowing their dreams early on, Derek and Casey properly chose how to spend their time in school. Taking as many classes during the school year along with summer courses, they were able to graduate earlier than they normally would have with the extra classes they needed to take in teaching. So, after 4 years of studying constantly, Derek and Casey graduated with degrees that would allow them to teach in their respective subjects.

After they graduated, Casey and Derek moved into an apartment together near their family, about a half hour from the Venturi/MacDonald household. Both Derek and Casey applied to work in schools in the area. Casey was offered a substitute teaching job at the nearby middle school, which called her a few times a week. Derek was not offered anything because the schools in the area had very small art budgets, so there were only a few classes. However, both worked at the local community center, which was where they made most of their money.

But Casey's smile began to falter as she thought of the events of the past week. She began to shake against the wall, as the tears trailed her cheeks.

They were so happy together. There wasn't a day that went by that she wasn't told that she was loved, not a day that she didn't feel it, see it in his eyes. And she still felt and saw it, even throughout this week. But there was something different.

Derek avoided Casey. He would be doing something but suddenly stop when Casey would enter the room. She would ask what he was doing, out of curiosity. She didn't think anything wrong of it, they never kept secrets from each other. But he would tell her it was nothing or make up some ridiculous lie. He wouldn't look into her eyes for a few minutes, as if knowing that she would see what he was doing. Casey knew he was hiding something.

But the second he would look up she saw it, she saw the love that he had for her. But she knew what he was doing, he was hiding whatever he was doing at the time into the back of his mind so she wouldn't see it. He masked it with his love for her and it frustrated Casey to no end.

The first time it happened, she let it go. The second time, she dismissed it but a few unsettling thoughts entered her head. The next time, she thought he was having an affair. She silently cursed him and told herself she would get down to whatever it was that Derek was up to. But when she looked into his deep brown eyes filled with love, she could feel that the love was only for her so she quickly got rid of her disturbing thoughts.

But today Casey had enough.

Casey entered the apartment that day with a huge smile on her face and feeling that a weight was lifted off her shoulders. She picked up the mail on her way home from the store and noticed a letter from a middle school in Toronto. She immediately recognized it as one of the schools she applied to for a full time teaching position. It was actually the school she wanted to work at the most, because they had a huge art program and she thought that with Derek's talent he could get a job there as well.

It wasn't that Casey and Derek weren't living well. They both worked at the community center and Casey was a substitute teacher a few days a week. So, they didn't have any money problems and were living quite comfortably in their one bedroom apartment. Recently, Derek even sold a few of his paintings to a magazine and was paid fairly well for them. He also was asked if he was willing to create other images when it was needed and after he agreed, Derek was placed on the payroll of the magazine.

Although she was extremely content with where she was in life, Casey couldn't help but want to go further. She wanted a full time job. She wanted to buy a house. She wanted to start a family. She wanted to begin the next chapter of her life.

Upon seeing the envelope, Casey dropped the bags she was carrying onto the floor in the hallway. She tore the envelope open and began to read the first sheet of paper. Casey's application and resume was looked over and approved, she was offered a 6th grade creative writing teaching position.

Picking up the bags, Casey sprinted down the hall to her apartment and quickly unlocked the door. "Honey, I'm home."

"I'm in the kitchen Case."

Casey dropped her purse and Derek's keys to the jeep on the table near the front door. She began to walk towards the kitchen with the bags from the store and the mail in her hands. She found Derek standing near the window, looking away from her while he was shoving something into his pocket. As soon as Casey's mind began to wander, she told herself not to worry about whatever Derek has been up to this past week, she didn't want it to ruin her day.

When Derek finally turned around, he noticed a huge smile on Casey's face. He was silently praying that she didn't see what he was just doing. Dismissing the thoughts that entered his head quickly, he walked over to Casey and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to him. After 5 years, he was till amazed at how perfect she fit in his arms.

Placing a small kiss on Casey lips, Derek asked "And why are you all happy?"

Casey turned and picked up the envelope from the table. She handed it to Derek and turned to put the groceries away. Derek sat down and began to read. When he was done he was about to congratulate Casey but something ran through his head. Making up his mind, he thought I'm so sorry Casey.

"I still don't understand why you are so happy."

The eggs fell out of her hands and hit the floor. Casey turned around slowly and faced Derek. "What?"

"I don't understand why you are so happy? It's not like you are going to take the job."

Her mouth dropped. They spoke about this before. Derek knew exactly where Casey applied to. He knew that this was where she really wanted to work. He never voiced a complaint. She couldn't understand why he would now.

"Of course I am going to take the job Derek. This is my dream job."

Derek felt bad, he really did, but he continued. "I figured you wouldn't since we aren't moving."

Casey became extremely angry. She would have understood if there was something keeping him here, but there was nothing. He didn't have a full time job, he didn't play hockey anymore since he broke his wrist during their junior year in college, he didn't have anything holding him here.

Then her mind traveled into the territory that she told herself was impossible. "Are you seeing someone?"

This time Derek's mouth dropped. "Besides you?"

"Yes Derek, besides me. You have been avoiding me all week. You never look at me when I ask you what you have been doing. You are keeping secrets. Are you cheating on me?" Casey was walking towards Derek the entire time, screaming by the time she asked her question.

"Are you crazy? Why the hell would I cheat on you? You know I love you and would never do anything like that. I just don't want to move." Derek screamed back into Casey's face.

"Why don't you want to move then? What's keeping you here?"

Derek blurted the first thing that came to him. "My job."

At first, Casey was willing to accept this as an excuse. She knew that she couldn't expect him to just give up his job just so that she could have her dream one. Then it hit her. "What job? The community center isn't a real job."

Again, Derek blurted the first thing out. "The one with the magazine." He knew he was an idiot.

"Do you really expect me to believe that? You mail in your stuff. The headquarters isn't even in the area. It's closer to Toronto than here." Casey was pissed. She knew he was making up his excuses. She wanted to cry, but she wouldn't. She hadn't cried sad tears in years. She hadn't cried sad tears for Derek in 5 years.

"Look Casey, I just don't want to move. You can take the job if you want but I'm not going."

What? "What?" Casey could not believe that just came out of Derek's mouth. "It's been almost 5 years Derek. 5 years and this is our first real fight. And what now? You want to break up?"

Derek couldn't breathe. He didn't know what he would do if he broke up with Casey. It would kill him. In a quieter voice than either of them had been using, Derek began while he walked closer to Casey. "Of course not Casey. You are my world. I would never not want to be with you. I love you so much."

Allowing Derek to wrap his arms around her, Casey leaned her head on his shoulder. "Then why Derek? Why don't you want to move?"

"I just don't Casey."

She was sick of that excuse. She pushed him away from her and Derek could see the anger in her eyes. "Why are you keeping secrets from me?"

Derek was afraid she could see it in his eyes, so he turned to look at the floor. "I'm not keeping secrets."

"Liar. I can see it in your eyes. And I can feel it when you don't look in my eyes." Casey was furious. She had enough. Derek was keeping things from her and she was sick of it. She loved him with all of her heart and she knew he loved her as well. But she never thought that they would keep anything from each other ever again, not since the secrets they kept from each other years ago. Not since their hidden feelings for one another.

Casey looked up to find that Derek was still not looking at her, so she got more enraged. She looked away from him. "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" Casey screamed in Derek's direction. She couldn't bring herself to look at him. She didn't want to cry. Not yet anyway.

Slumped against the wall, Casey sat there sobbing for a long time. She figured it had been hours because light was no longer floating in through the window. Pulling herself off the floor, Casey walked over to the window and noticed that it was getting dark out.

She didn't want to drive home in complete darkness, so she violently wiped the tears from her eyes, not wanting to shed another for Derek. She walked down the stairs and opened the door. Making sure it was locked behind her, Casey made her way over to the jeep and got into the driver's seat, turned it on and backed out of the driveway.

Casey knew she could have slept in her old bedroom, it hadn't been changed since she left for college. But she didn't want to have to sleep there. She didn't want to fight with Derek. She didn't want to have to avoid him because he was avoiding her.

So, she decided to go back to her apartment, the apartment that she shared with the love of her life. She wasn't sure if she was going to talk to him yet. She knew she wanted to talk about what was going on with him, she wanted to know what he has been up to. But she didn't want to yell anymore. She didn't want to say something she was going to regret and she didn't want to hear anything else that would break her heart.

The love between them had been so pure over the years. It was given and accepted freely. It was overpowering and stabilizing. Casey felt like she was drowning in the love Derek gave her and she never wanted anything else.

But this past week came out of no where. She couldn't understand what it was that made Derek so distant. He never kept anything from Casey, he told her everything. She knew it had to be important for him to keep it a secret, but she wanted, no needed to know what it was. She was terrified it would affect her, affect them, and she knew she wouldn't be able to live without him. It would kill her.

When Casey finally pulled up in front of her apartment building, she was a lot calmer than when she left hours ago. She decided that she would ask Derek for answers. She would explain that whatever it was that they would be able to work through it. That he should and could tell her anything. She would understand and would never love him any less.

She finally reached their front door, unlocked it, and walked inside. When she entered, she heard music come from somewhere in the apartment.

Wondering the streets, in a world underneath it all
Nothing seems to be, nothing tastes as sweet
As what I can't have
Like you and the way that you're twisting your hair round your finger
Tonight I'm not afraid to tell you
What I feel about you.

She rolled her eyes as she turned to lock the door behind her and placed the keys back on the table next to the door. He thinks he can apologize by playing our song. When she turned around she gasped.

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
and cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will

The living room was dimly light by a few candles throughout the room. Casey noticed a vase full of tulips on the table in front of the couch. She began to walk towards them when she heard a crunch under her shoe. Looking down, she noticed a tulip on the floor. Then her eyes moved a little and she saw a trail on tulips forming a path towards the hallway.

Forgive me if I st-stutter
From all of the clutter in my head
Cuz I could fall asleep in those eyes
Like a water bed
Do I seem familiar, I've crossed you in hallways
a thousand times, no more camouflage
I want to be exposed, and not be afraid to fall.

Casey bent down and pick up the flower she just stepped on. She then proceeded to follow the trail left for her, picking up each flower on the way. After all the flowers were picked up, she was in front of the closed bedroom door. She then noticed that the music was coming from inside the room. Opening the door, she was shocked by the sight in front of her and the tulips fell from her hands to her feet.

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you

Derek was standing in front of their bed, dressed in a nice pair of black pants and in a hunter green button down shirt. Casey's first thoughts were of how good he looked. She then noticed that there a lot of little candles throughout the room to light it up. Then she noticed that there were as many tulips that there were candles. They were on the floor, dresser, bed, everywhere.

Finally, she noticed the papers in Derek's hands. The first one simply said

- I'm Sorry -

If I could dim the lights in the mall
And create a mood I would
Shout out your name so it echoes in every room
I would

Casey watched Derek drop the first sheet, revealing the next.

- I never meant to hurt you -

Casey looked up to see that Derek was staring into her eyes. She saw that he was sorry, that he really didn't want to hurt her. She felt his love flow across the distance between them. But she saw something else in his eyes and she was sure that he knew she could see it. However, she had no idea what it was yet.

That's what I'd do,
That's what I'd do
That's what I'd do
To get through to you

Noticing the paper fall, Casey brought her eyes back down to the papers in Derek's hands.

- And of course I would move with you
I'd follow you anywhere -

- But this is not only an apology -

Casey looked up again and gave Derek a questioning look. She had no idea what was going on. What else could he be doing other than apologizing to me for today? She heard a new song begin and immediately recognized it.

Maybe it's intuition
but some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes,
I see my future in an instant
And there it goes,
I think I found my best friend

- I love you -

Casey still had no idea what was happening, but she wasn't able to tear her eyes away from the papers that were in his hands. She began anticipating the ones that followed, wondering what it was Derek was trying to convey.

I know that it might sound
more than a little crazy
but I believe...

- You are the love of my life
my heart
my soul
my everything –

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life

- It may not have been love initially -

I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

- But looking back I knew something was always there -

Casey felt the same. She knew that she had always felt a connection with Derek. Even if it wasn't from the moment they met, she knew now that she always loved him. And she would love him forever.

There's just no rhyme or reason
Only the sense of completion
And in your eyes

The next paper had the most amazing image of a pair of blue eyes Casey had ever seen.

I see the missing pieces I'm searching for
I think I've found my way home

- You are my home -

Casey looked up and she finally saw it. She finally saw what Derek was hiding this week. She realized what this was.

I know that it might sound
more than a little crazy
but I believe...

- This is why I have been acting strange all week -

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

- I couldn't look at you
because I knew you would have seen it -

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I've found you

- You really do complete me -

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

- And I don't want to ever feel incomplete again -

Silent tears began to fall down Casey's face.

-Those better be tears of joy -

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

Though the tears didn't stop, Casey smiled. Derek knew her all too well. He knew exactly when she was going to start crying.

I knew I loved you before I met you
I knew I loved you
I knew I loved you before I met you
I knew I loved you before I met you

- Here goes nothing -

Derek dropped the last piece on paper onto the floor as the music stopped playing. He walked the few steps across the room and stopped in front on Casey. Lifting his hand, he gently brushed the tears off of Casey's face, caressing her cheek for a moment.

He was nervous. This was the most nerve wrecking point in his life. He was about to ask Casey a question that would change both of their lives forever. Although he was sure she felt exactly the same way about him that he felt about her, his stomach was in knots.

Casey saw the anxiety in Derek, she saw the fear in his eyes. She slowly brought her hand up to her face, placing it on his hand. Giving it a gentle squeeze, she silently told him to continue, that he had nothing to worry about.

Taking his hand back, Derek slowly bent down on one knee. He looked up into Casey eyes and noticed that she was crying again. He would have gotten up and wiped her tears again, but he was afraid he would lose his confidence and back out.

Closing his eyes for a moment, Derek took a deep breathe. He grabbed Casey hand in his own and looked into her eyes.

"Casey, you and I both know I am not good with words, but I will try and make this as eloquent as I possible can." He took another deep breathe, feeling like he needed more oxygen than he normally did. "It has been about 7 years that I have known of my feelings towards you, but I think they have always been there. Since the moment I met you, I felt that we had a connection. I am sorry that I tried to deny that for so long. But these past 5 years have shown me that you are the only one for me. You are the missing piece to my puzzle. You complete me. Not a day goes by that I don't worry that this has all been a dream. I wake up everyday praying that you are next to me. And when I see you, I can't help but pull you closer. I need to feel you against me, I need to feel you to know you are there."

Pausing for a moment, Derek tried to collect his thoughts, he felt he was rambling. He now thought he should have written all of this on a piece of paper, but he wanted it to come from his lips, from his heart.

"I am drawn to everything about you. Everyday you amaze me. You brighten my day with just your smile. The sound of your voice is like music to my ears. I want – no, I need you in my life until the day I die. Without you I am nothing, and I couldn't live if you weren't in my life."

Taking one last deep breathe, Derek took his hands away from Casey's and reached into his pocket. Taking out the small black box Derek began again.

"If you give me the chance, I will try my hardest to make you happy for the rest of your life. I will do anything in my power to never make you cry or hurt you. I am so sorry for this past week, but I didn't want you to know what I was planning. You know me too well and I know you would have seen it in my eyes."

As Derek opened the small box, Casey took her eyes off of Derek's and looked at the ring. She brought her hands up to cover her gaping mouth. It was the most amazing ring she had ever seen. It was absolutely breathtaking, with a relatively large diamond in the center of 2 sapphires all set in white gold. It was nothing she ever expected.

"Casey, will you marry me?"

With tears flowing freely, Casey vigorously nodded her head. She fell to her knees and leaned into Derek, wrapping her arms around his neck. Pulling her closer to him, Derek brought his arms around Casey's waist, situating her between his legs and bringing her body flush against his own.

Casey brought her head to Derek's neck and started whispering yes over and over into his shirt. When she was finally able to control her tears, she pulled back and noticed that a few stray tears had made their way out of Derek's eyes.

As she wiped his face with her left hand, Derek grabbed her wrist and placed the ring on her finger. He looked up to find a huge grin on Casey's face.

"Don't you ever say you don't have a way with words again." Casey then leaned in and kissed him on the lips. Breaking it for air, she whispered "I love you."

Leaning his forehead against hers, Derek smiled. "I love you too." Suddenly, Derek remembered something else. "And I still haven't told you the good news."

"There's more?"

Derek pulled Casey closer to him and placed a soft kiss on her mouth. He began to trail kisses across her cheek to her ear. When he found his destination he whispered. "I was offered a job at that school in Toronto too."