Catherine Willows has a Secret
Title: Catherine Willows has a Secret
Author: WaywardKitty
Rating: Teen
Classification: Grissom/Sara
Disclaimer: As usual, these characters don't belong to me.
Spoilers: Anything Thru LLV is fair game.
Summary: Catherine Willows had been keeping a secret about her friends for quite some time now. Yes, she was capable of keeping a secret, when she approved. But this secret had spawned another secret and now she can't keep her mouth shut.
Status: WIP
Note: This is the first FF I've had the guts/motivation to publish, so be nice. Unbetaed cuz I'm painfully introverted like Grissom.
Y'know, I really should be working, but everyone's been so encouraging! Following this Grissom chapter, I'm tentatively planning on a Sara chapter and lastly a Catherine chapter, but might few days between each. All plans are subject to change.
Grissom made it as far as his SUV before the panic set in. Never one to do things half way, he sat in the driver's seat and broke down into a full blown panic attack, complete with hyperventilation and heart palpitations.
Countless thoughts were ricocheting around inside his heat. A migraine was inevitable. He toiled to control his breathing and slowly, slowly, his heart rate returned to a safer level. He fumbled around the center console for migraine meds only to find that the bottle was empty – he'd have to go back to the townhouse for some. While he was there, he might as well pick up some clothes so that he could just stay with Sara. Then, he would the pick up the pregnancy test. And he might as well pick up some animal-based protein, because no way was he was going survive the weekend on rabbit food... He pulled out his phone and sent a text message to Sara: Stopping home too, be back ASAP.
After checking his pulse one more time, he pulled out of the apartment parking lot. He was too old for this kind of stress.
Way. Too. Old.
The conflicting images volleyed through his head.
He imagined his child inheriting his otosclerosis. He imagined his mother signing to the child, beaming because he finally gave her a grandchild.
He pictured a little, dark-haired girl playing with an insect. He pictured her, almost grown, crying at his funeral in a wedding dress.
He envisioned Sara, flushed and glowing and sweaty from labor with the babe in arms. He envisioned Sara leaving him to raise the child without him.
Oh, God. Did she even want to have and keep this baby? He'd just assumed and told her – not what he thought she wanted to hear exactly – but what he wanted his ideal self to say. He realized that his ideal self had brought him here and then abandoned him outside Sara's apartment. Arriving at his townhouse, he realized that while he wasn't the broken man who left Vegas, he was still pretty messed up and would be for the foreseeable future. They both were. How could they possibly…
His phone rang. Of course, it was Sara.
"Are you panicking yet?" He would have sworn he heard amusement in her voice. "It's alright if you are."
"Yes. Hello to you too," he replied curtly. The mother of his child deserved better than curt. "I'm packing a bag and feeding the pets as we speak." They talked about nothing for a while, just maintaining the connection they both needed so badly to calm their nerves. She reluctantly let him go when he hit the road.
He stopped at his usual grocery store and grabbed a few readymade entrées from the butcher and went in search of a pregnancy test. He was tempted to compare all the different brands and product variations, but the discomfort of being in the feminine products aisle got the better of him. In his haste to exit the row with the test in hand, he bumped into the heavily laden cart of a young woman with a child. As they exchanged awkward apologies, she smiled at him knowingly. It was worse than that time Sara suckered him into stopping for tampons on the way home from work.
Distractedly, he got in the express checkout aisle. The balding, professionally attired man in front of him fidgeted in boredom and turned around to complain good-naturedly about the wait. And that's when Grissom realized that he knew the man.
Of all the queues in all the stores in Vegas, Brass had to walk into his.
"Brass."
"Grissom. You… You're not back?"
"No, no. I'm not even here. Just a figment of your imagination." Grissom smiled stiffly and willed Brass to not look in his basket. Brass glanced down and smirked.
"Soooo…how's Sara?"
"She… how would I know?"
Brass rolled his eyes and shook his head. "OK, Gil. I'll let you play that game with me."
"What game?"
"How long have we known each other? And you think you can fool me. Oh, wait. Maybe you're fooling yourself. Y'know, I don't think 'figments of my imagination' is the problem. Maybe it's yours. But I'll tell you what. Just don't play games with her. You do and I'll kick your ass right off of this continent." With that Brass turned his back on Grissom.
"I'm trying to do right, Jim, really," he whispered.
"Does anyone hear that voice," Brass teased, still facing away.
"I don't want to hurt her."
"I think a figment of my imagination is talking to me," Brass confided to the cashier, as she rang up his order. The cashier merely nodded and smiled as if she thought he was insane.
"I don't know him," Grissom told the cashier as he paid for his items. She gave him the same nod and smile. Brass was loitering at the end of the conveyor belt, waiting for him.
"Seriously, pal, you think this part is tough just wait 'til they get old enough to make their own decisions."
Grissom hesitated, slightly stunned and let Brass walk away.
Great. Something else to worry about. He suddenly needed someone to tell him everything was going to be OK. Back in his SUV, he rang up Catherine.
"How do you do it?" Grissom huffed without preamble.
"Am I expected to know what you're talking about?"
"How do you have children?"
"Really, Gil, I thought you had that part figured out." Grissom sighed heavily, and a suddenly serious Catherine responded, "You just do. And the strength to do it comes when you need it. It's sort of like when you have to process a really big, messy crime scene – when you first get there, it's overwhelming and you know it's going to take days. You don't know if you have the endurance collect every last bit of evidence and it makes you tired just to look at it. But you just keep at it and focus on one thing at a time until it's done."
"But sometimes you don't find what you need to find," Grissom whispered desperately.
"It's not like your trying to figure out something no one knows. Follow your instincts. You have thousands of years of evolution on your side."
"And it… takes a toll and after a while you can't go on."
"Well, that's where this analogy breaks down. Solving crimes provides closure to tragedy, but children bring you love and joy and fun along with the difficult stuff. It's more good than bad. You'll see. You and Sara are going to be just fine. So does this mean she…"
"It's not definite yet… but yeah, most likely."
"Well, let me be the first to offer congratulations. Call me anytime."
"Really?"
"It takes a village…"
"Catherine, I… I don't think we're ready for the village to know yet."
"I know. Your secret's safe with me."
"Thanks, Cath, for… everything."
"You're welcome. I'll see you in a couple weeks."