This entire chapter is pretty much written on inspiration from the song "I'll Be" by Goo Goo Dolls. Goshness that song screams Riku/Sora at me. My quote doesn't do the song justice…'tis why the whole thing is used in the fic…
I apologize for anything wrong with this chapter, especially typos. I've read over it, but I'm sitting in a Holiday Inn somewhere in Ohio at the moment and really don't have the time to read over it very well. Tell me if anything's wrong (ku-chan, I know you will) and I'll correct it when I'm back home...sooner if I have the time...
And thanks, you guys, for your thoughts on my grandma...::hugs::...They meant a lot. She was an amazing woman...
WARNINGS: naughty language…shounen-ai…
Disclaimer: me no own it… "I'll Be" belongs to Goo Goo Dolls…
"I've dropped out, burned up, and fought my way back from the dead.
I've tuned on and turned on and remember the day that you said…"
—"I'll Be" Goo Goo Dolls…
Chapter Four:
Love Suicide…
When the bell rang for school to be dismissed, I think I could have danced for joy. I jumped up from my seat and all but mauled over my fellow students so I could get to my locker and out of there as quickly as I could. For some reason unbeknownst to me, Roxas was waiting for me at my locker when I got there, a wicked grin on his face.
"Something happened between the two of you, didn't it?"
I shook my head and try my hardest to ignore him while I got into my locker to put my things away. I threw the random books I needed for my homework into my bag and flung it over my shoulder, throwing one last look into my locker before slamming the door. I took off down the hall without waiting for Roxas, but he managed to catch up with me.
"Something did." He laughed. "Tell me."
I shook my head and heard him whine beside me.
"Oh, come on, Sora. I'm your best friend. It's not like I didn't know you were attracted to him or anything 'cause it was sooooo obvious."
I growled at his long, drawn out "so." So what if I was attracted to him. Who wasn't? I glanced at Roxas out of the corner of my eye. Was he attracted to Riku? I glared at a girl we passed in the hallway. Was she attracted to Riku?
When I caught what I was doing, I shook my head and mentally slapped myself. What the hell? I was acting like a jealous girlfriend. It wasn't like we had talked about dating or anything. He had just stuck his tongue down my throat. It didn't mean anything, right? Of course not! It was just something that had happened in the heat of the moment.
But if that's all it was…why did I want it to happen again?
I shook my head violently and pushed my way through the last barrier that separated me from the outside world. I threw the double doors open and took the stairs in a half-run, half-walk. Roxas stayed beside me the entire time, even as I started to head deeper into town.
"I'm not going to tell you anything, so it's no use following me," I muttered.
He laughed and shrugged. "I know. Maho asked me to stop by the store on the way home to get some milk."
I sighed and quickened my pace a bit. He never left my side. I growled under my breath and glared at him. He returned it with a smile.
"Don't you have to go to work?"
"Don't you have somewhere to be? I don't want to show up at the café with a tag-along," I replied in a harsher tone than I had intended. I knew that I had work, but I didn't care. They could fire me for all I cared, and I would happily walk away. All I wanted at the moment was to see Riku. Nothing else mattered. Not even my friendship, it was beginning to seem.
Roxas frowned at my words, and I saw a brief flash of hurt cross his face, but it was too late to take back what I had said. It was kind of true. I didn't want to show up at the café with someone with me. I wanted to actually sit and have a halfway decent talk with Riku before we started arguing (or making-out).
"No worries," Roxas said after a second. "I don't like coffee anyway." He smiled but there was nothing behind it. It had just been something to hide his sadness.
"Roxas…"
He shook his head and slowed to a stop at a pedestrian crosswalk. We stood in silence. I let my eyes roam above us to watch a small group as they hung a sign advertising the Pumpkin Festival from a pair of telephone poles so it drooped over the road.
Roxas moved beside me and pulled my attention back onto him. He was staring at something in a shop's window. I went to his side and looked inside to see what had captured his attention. I couldn't keep my gasp at bay.
The shop was a small book store and the window displayed several new releases or re-releases that they had or were going to have in stock. Sitting in the center of the display was a large hard-backed book with a beautiful painting decorating its front.
"A Millennium of Pain," I read out loud. "Tales and Prophecies from Akari and Kurai…? Roxas. Is that book about what I think it's about?"
He nodded. "Yeah. They pulled that book from the shelves years ago. I hadn't realized they were re-releasing it."
I sighed and rested a hand on the glass between me and the book. This was perfect. If it was really about Akari and Kurai, then maybe I could learn something from it. Maybe I could find out who I was and why I was having these dreams… Why I was so attracted to Riku… I wanted it.
"I have a copy. It's old, but you can read it if you want."
I turned to him with quite possibly the largest smile I had ever given on my face. "I would love you forever."
He laughed. "I dunno what Riku would think about that, but alright."
I glared at him then jumped. "Riku! I gotta go, Roxas!"
But he was already gone. I started to run to catch up with him, but the light flashed from the white person to the hand again and I was barred off by traffic.
"Roxas, wait!!"
He turned and smiled at me, shaking his head. "You know the café is right there on the other corner. Go ahead. I'll bring that book for you tomorrow." He turned and waved over his shoulder and, with the passing of a large truck, he was gone.
Sighing, I turned on my heel and surveyed the small brick building across the street from me. It looked nice from the outside, like it was owned by an older couple or something, with flower boxes hanging from the windows and little wind chimes over the windows. It didn't look like the kind of place I would have expected Riku to pick.
With a deep breath, I shoved my hands into my pockets and waited patiently for the pedestrian light to tell me that it was safe to go. It felt like an icy anvil fell into the pit of my stomach when the hand flashed and changed into the person and I shivered slightly as I made my way across the street. I wondered if he even showed up. Maybe this was just another chance for him to get to play with me. He was probably standing behind a dumpster somewhere, laughing quietly to himself as he watched me walk into the café.
But I was wrong. Before the wind chimes on the door could jingle as the door sealed my fate behind me, my eyes landed on the table in the back corner that he'd decided to make his…soon to be ours. He sat in the chair with perfect posture, sipping slowly from a cup of coffee as his eyes drilled holes into me.
I felt like I was frozen where I stood. This was a bad idea. I shouldn't have come. He was going to sit there and criticize me the entire time, with words and gestures. No. I wouldn't let him do that. Of everyone in the world, he was suddenly the only person I wouldn't be able to bare to hate me. If he hated me, all was lost. I could just curl up in a ball and resign to my fate now because it would all be over.
"Can I help you, Hon?"
I jumped slightly and looked to my right to see a middle-aged lady regarding me cautiously. I smiled at her and shook my head, relieved when her look of apprehension seemed to disappear.
"Thank you, though. I'm just here to meet someone."
"Oh. You must mean, Riku. He said that he was going to have company today." She smiled as she glanced back at where he sat. "I'm glad. He always looks so lonely when he comes here."
I tried my hardest to chuckle and waved to the nice woman before making myself walk to the table. I half-smiled at Riku as I took my seat. He smiled back and sat a little straighter in his chair.
"Well…that was a little embarrassing." He laughed quietly.
"You come here a lot?"
He nodded. "Yeah, quite a bit. It's my favorite place to come and just sit. Missy is like a mother-hen, and she always gives me free coffee."
I smiled and sighed inwardly. So maybe things weren't going to go as badly as I'd first thought. Maybe they would actually go well. Hopefully. We fell into small talk, my need to ask him about why he'd kissed me and about why he'd done everything he had fading off into the distance. Conversation came easily between us. Almost too easily. It scared me in a way, but anything was better than the horrible awkwardness I had been expecting.
Missy came after a bit and asked me if I wanted some coffee. I tried to refuse but she insisted and got me a chai latte on Riku's orders. I sipped it warily at first, but soon downed half the glass. It was almost too good to be legal.
Riku laughed and I glared at him. "What's so funny?"
He shrugged and propped his chin in his palm on the table, his eyes regarding me with something I couldn't quite name…something that made me edgy and nervous. I started to open my mouth to ask him what was wrong, but he cut me off with a question of his own.
"Sora… Have you been having any strange dreams lately?"
The question startled me. Some part of me wanted to jump out and say "Oh, you mean the dreams where I sprout gigantic white wings and live in a kingdom?" and another part of me just wanted to keep my mouth shut. Like usual, my mind couldn't agree on one or the other so it settled with something in-between.
"Depends on your definition of strange. Everyone has dreams every now and then, right?"
He shrugged. "Yeah, I guess," he said, but didn't continue.
I furrowed my brow. "Why? Have you been having strange dreams lately?"
He laughed quietly. "Depends on your definition of strange."
"Hey! No fair! You can't go stealing my words. You owe me a quarter, you thief!"
He chuckled and shook his head. "You didn't patent them so they're free for me to use whenever I want."
I stuck my tongue out at him and scrunched up my nose. "Meanie."
"You always were great at changing the subject."
I had to check my memory to make sure I'd head the words correctly. They were so quiet—so sad—and I got the immediate sense to reach out and hold him to me. Something in me wanted to do everything in its power to make sure his voice didn't sound like that. He was supposed to be happy because he was with me. Not sad.
"Riku…I…"
He frowned and furrowed his brow, a sudden look of sadness filling his beautiful eyes. "Sora…do you remember anything? You know…do you remember…us?"
I furrowed my brow. My heart screamed "Yes!" but my mind was telling me something completely different. "Wh-what do you mean? How can I remember something that hasn't happened?"
He sighed and hung his head, another sad laugh slipping past his lips. "Yeah…I guess you're right."
"Riku…I…I'm sorry, but…" I sighed. "Something inside my heart tells me that I've seen you before. That I've held you before, kissed you before…loved you before. But how…how can that be? I mean… It's not like I'm a reincarnation or anything, right, so that's pretty much impossible."
He lifted his head and looked at me. The sadness and love in his eyes made me gasp out loud, to my own displeasure. At its own accord, my hand lifted from the table and gently brushed a lock of his long hair back behind his ear. He sighed at the touch and closed his eyes.
"Sora. You don't know what you're doing to me when you do that; what just being around you does to me. It's insane. Everything from before… Why is it taking you so long to remember?"
I pulled my hand away and returned it to the table. I wasn't being very fair to him. Just being in my presence was filing him with so much pain. I hadn't needed his words to know his feelings. His pain radiated from his skin, just like his love and despair.
"Do you wanna go for a walk? You know, just to get away from here for a bit so we can talk a little more privately?"
I sighed as the words left my mouth and glanced up at him warily. His eyes were wide with surprise, and all I could do was smile sheepishly and say the next spontaneous thing that popped into my head.
"I want to know more about…us…and about what my dreams mean and I hope you can answer my questions or else I'm going to go insane. Well…it's a little late for that, but…you know…"
"Sora…you…I…"
I smiled and jumped up from my seat. "Come on!" I grabbed his hand, pulling him up from his seat. "We can go back to my house. No one's there."
He frowned but let me pull him toward the door. I heard Missy laughing somewhere off in the background, but it died as the door closed behind us and I started to pull him down the street. I barely got one footstep in, though, before he tugged on my hand and pulled my attention back toward him.
"I…um…have a car so I can drive instead of walking."
I couldn't stop my mouth from forming the typical "o" shape before I let out an embarrassed laugh. "Yeah, that would be better. My house is about a fifteen minute walk from here."
He smiled and dug around in his jacket pocket before pulling out a set of keys and pushing a button on the keypad. The lights of a nearby car flashed in the growing twilight and loud "bleeping" filled the air. I couldn't help but to drool when I realized that he was walking toward that same car.
"Toyota Spider…MR2?" I could almost feel the drool dripping from my chin. "Silver. Black top."
He chuckled and pulled open the driver's side door. I followed and climbed into the passenger seat, rubbing my hands along every inch of every surface I could get my fingers on. He laughed again as he started the engine and my eyes rolled back in my head.
"You're the first person to have an orgasmic experience in this thing."
My eyes snapped open and my face heated instantly. "I…I…" I shook my head and looked away from him. "This car is damn sexy." If I could have beat myself in the head without looking any crazier than I already did, I would have at that moment. Unfortunately, it was impossible so I continued with my "orgasmic experience" by snuggling into the seat and closing my eyes as he started down the road.
The drive continued in silence for a couple more minutes, just our breathing and the rumble of the engine filing the interior, but Riku had to shatter the moment by speaking up.
"So…am I going to have to guess where you live or…"
I didn't even open my eyes to reply to him. "If you keep going straight, you'll turn right onto Weston Ridge Road. My house is the third one on the left."
I don't know if he nodded, but he didn't reply using words. He just kept driving. I let my eyes drift open as he took a quick right onto my street. In my excitement over his car, my nervousness about our conversation to come had died, but now that my house was in sight, it came back in an onslaught of panic and fear. This was it. I was finally going to get some answers about my dreams and the emotions that raged throughout my mind whenever I was in Riku's presence.
It was about time.
He slowed and quickly turned into my driveway, stopping, throwing the car in park, and taking the keys out of the ignition in one easy, fluid motion. I fished around for my keys in my pocket as we walked across the vibrant green grass of our front lawn and up the steps to the front porch. Before I had time to think about what was happening, I closed and locked the door behind us and turned to Riku with an embarrassed sort of smile on my face. Why embarrassed? Because I had just realized how overzealous and quite possibly crazy I had been while leaving the café, that's why.
"No one's home?" The question was barely a mutter.
I shook my head. "No. My mom hasn't been home outside of getting clothes and leaving me money for about two weeks now, so I don't think we need to worry about her." Something in my head was screaming at me that there was something else…someone else…but I ignored it.
Without saying a word, I slipped out of my shoes and waited a second for Riku to do the same before leading the way upstairs to my bedroom. I wasn't being the greatest host in the world by foregoing the whole "Would you like something to drink?" routine, but I hoped that Riku would be able to forgive me for that.
I closed my bedroom door behind us and smiled at him in an even more embarrassed way. Things had gone from crazy to quasi-exciting to awkward way too fast. I wasn't sure of the correct way to handle things. And the way Riku was looking at me really didn't help matters any. His eyes were roaming over my body as if he'd seen me naked and had every inch of my skin memorized. If my past was really what he said it was, he probably had. I couldn't help but blush.
Using the most overused ice breaker in the world, I coughed and tried the whole smiling thing one more time. It came a little easier this time. Not much, but at least it wasn't as strained.
I walked past Riku to my bed and grabbed the remote control for my stereo from my bed stand. I clicked it on to the radio with the volume so low that I had to strain my ears to know what song was playing. It wasn't one that I knew, but just having the added noise in the room helped to calm my nerves a bit.
I plopped down on my bed and turned my attention to Riku. He'd started to survey my room, walking alongside my bookshelf and desk to examine what was on them. My eyes followed him in wonder. His every move was so graceful and perfect that it ought to have been illegal.
Riku's perfect pale fingers grazed gently along the glass of the only picture frame I had in my room. Behind the glass was a photo of Leon and I that had been taken around Christmas two years before. Leon had his arm hooked around my neck and the sky blue ribbon he'd pressed onto my head while unwrapping presents was still stuck in my hair. It was my favorite picture of the two of us for a couple of reasons. It had been taken only days before I had started cutting myself and a couple of weeks before the first anniversary of our father's death. We both looked so happy and carefree, like nothing in the world mattered.
A faint smile tugged at Riku's lips as he turned to me. "This is your brother, isn't it?"
I nodded. "The one and only. That was the last time Leon was able to come home before we moved here. Somehow I don't think that he really cares, but…" I trailed off. My thoughts on my brother weren't significant. Only the thought of Leon sent a pang of guilt through my heart. There were so many things I needed to tell him.
"You're happy in this picture," he noted. "It's nice."
I shrugged. "Meh…happiness has its downfalls."
Riku laughed and shook his head, returning to his examination of my little trinkets on top of my desk. I sighed and cocked my head to the side as he brushed his fingers along the curves of a snow globe my father had given me after he had returned home from a business trip in Kyoto. A mini temple raised on a mini hill sat in the center of the globe, with a grove of mini cherry trees surrounding it. He picked it up and tipped it upside down, watching as hundreds of tiny pale pink blossoms floated to the bottom when tipped right-side up again.
"…your dreams?"
I shook my head and blinked a couple of times to shove myself back into reality. "I'm sorry. What did you say?"
He frowned and set the snow globe back in the shelf. "Can you tell me about your dreams?"
"Oh, yeah." It goes without saying that I felt beyond stupid for zoning out on him. "What do you want hear?"
He shrugged and settled down into my desk chair, watching me the entire time. "Whatever you're willing to share. If you don't want to tell me about it, then I won't ever know the difference."
For some reason, I felt like he was lying—that he really would know the difference—but I wanted to test my luck. I didn't want to share my last two dreams with him, not until I had the time to really know what they meant. Maybe I would share them after I heard some of his story.
Sighing, I laid back on my bed and closed my eyes, concentrating on the first dream I had had. Once I remembered how the dream had ended, the rest of it came surging forth.
"I was in an office. White, everything was white, like what people think the inside of a mental hospital would look like, but it wasn't a mental hospital. It was a business-like office with a bunch of books and everything. Two people were in the room. I dunno who the man was, but I want to call him Ansem for some reason. He was blonde and had eyes the color of his hair. The other was Roxas. He looked exactly the same except he was dressed in cream robes and he had a pair of beautiful black wings.
"The Ansem man said that he needed an ambassador to go into the kingdom of Kurai for him. He chose me, and Roxas was to be my guide because he was originally from Kurai, or something like that. We agreed and he sent us on our way. I was excited about going to Kurai but Roxas was all depressed. I did something with a pendent I wore and suddenly had a pair of my own wings. Night had fallen over wherever we were but I could see a mountain from the balcony we stood on. I offered to race Roxas to it and…that's when I woke up. I jumped over the edge of the balcony and next thing I knew I was awake."
I sighed and shook my head. Now that I'd heard it out-loud, I realized how ridiculous the dream was. Kingdoms? Wings like an angels? There was no way that it had any significance whatsoever to what Riku had to tell me, if he was even going to share anything with me now. If he hadn't thought me a psycho with my actions from before, he probably thought me one now.
Deciding to take a chance, I opened my eyes and glanced across the room. As I thought, Riku was watching me, but there was something different in his eyes. I'm not sure what it was. It seemed like a mixture between joy, surprise, and sadness.
I laughed awkwardly and pushed myself into the sitting position, dangling my legs over the side of my bed again. "Yeah, crazy huh?" I shrugged. "But what of it? Crazy people dream of crazy things, right?"
He blinked and his brow winkled. "Whatever makes you think you're crazy, Sora? You're saner than most people in the world today."
I shrugged and feigned interest in the basketball under my feet, rolling it back and forth across my grey-tan carpet. There were a lot of things that made me think that I was crazy. I relied on a blade for my sanity, for one. If that didn't give me any points on the crazy board then I don't know what did. Then there was also the fact that I kept my mother's abuse a secret from everyone who needed to know. Well…nobody needed to know, but there were those who that the right to know.
Frigid, gentle fingers barely touched the skin beneath my chin and lifted my face. Before I was given the chance to fight it, I was drowning in the swirling depths of Riku's ocean-colored eyes. I couldn't read his expression and, not being Kairi, I couldn't read his emotions or thoughts. His eyes were gentle and calm…loving. It unnerved me, but I didn't want him to let me go. I would most definitely drown if he were to let me go.
"Sora, you are beautiful. You are talented. You are kind-hearted. You are gentle." He sighed and sat down on my bed beside me, his fingers still beneath my chin to guide my gaze with him. "You are not crazy, insane, or psychotic. There is nothing wrong with you."
I laughed mentally. 'If only you knew.' For some reason, I got the same feeling as I had earlier; that he did, indeed, know about everything.
I shook my head. No. If he knew, he would do something to stop it. I hadn't known Riku for long, but I knew that he wasn't the kind of person to just sit back and watch while someone suffered like I was. No. In some ways, he and Kairi were very much alike.
Then something clicked in my head. Had he just called me beautiful? And talented, kind-hearted, and gentle? Wait, wait, wait… What…?
I focused my attention back on Riku's face, trying my hardest to avoid his eyes. It didn't take much for me to realize that he was fighting every bone in his body to not kiss me. Thankfully he was winning because I don't know what I would have done had he kissed me at that very moment.
He sighed and dropped his head, hiding his face behind a veil of long, silver hair. I frowned and cupped his cheek in the palm of my head, using it to lift his face so I could look him in the eye. Nothing but sadness showed in them now, but there were no tears. He was strong…so strong. He was the one who deserved the title of beautiful, not me.
"It's…" The words came out choked. I cleared my throat and started over again. "It's your turn."
He frowned and his lips formed words but I was quicker.
"I told you a story, now it's your turn. I want to know about us. Where we were from, what we did…all that good stuff."
Riku's frown turned to a small sad smile and he nodded, pulling away from me. He lay back on my bed, his hair spilling beautifully across my black pillowcase, and held his arms out, beckoning me. I gave in without a fight, settling down into his arms with my head resting on his chest. One of his arms found itself wrapped around my waist while the other stayed behind my head so its fingers could twine themselves in my hair.
With a deep sigh, he started his half of the deal.
"We were from warring kingdoms. I was of the kingdom of Kurai while you were of the kingdom of Akari. Both you and Roxas were sent to Kurai on a mission that you refused to share with me, even months after our relationship had began. I think I fell in love the moment I first saw you. You were so beautiful and oh-so-out of place in the kingdom. Kurai was born on sin and tragedy while Akari thrived on innocence and joy. Liken them to Paradise and Hell, if you will.
"I was the youngest prince of Kurai and, as an ambassador of sorts from Akari, you were housed in the castle. I don't know how many nights I snuck into you room, just watching you sleep. It wasn't until we ran into each other at the market, of all places, that I learned your name. Sora. I knew immediately from my studies of the old language that it meant sky. You asked my name. I told you that it was Riku, the land to your sky. You smiled, bowed, and went along with your day like you hadn't met me. I wasn't able to stop thinking about you."
He stopped and I frowned at the great sadness that had been in his voice. I tipped my chin up to look at him, but his eyes were closed and his face was as emotionless as I had ever seen it. Cautiously, I reached up and gently brushed his bangs from his face, but he still didn't open his eyes.
"Please don't stop, Riku. I want to hear more."
He nodded and took a single deep, stabilizing breath before continuing.
"The kingdom of Kurai took a great liking to you and was saddened when you had to return to Akari after a month. But you reassured us that you would return. And you did. An eternity of two months later, you finally returned with Roxas as your bodyguard once again. This time, I vowed that I would make sure we had company together. So I requested that I have dinner with you one night and you agreed, not knowing who I was other than a prince of Kurai.
"I honestly don't remember where our acquaintance ended and our relationship began, but it was sometime during that life-changing dinner. After that, we met with each other at least once a day, usually in the palace gardens where we would wander aimlessly for hours on end, talking about nothing and everything all at the same time."
He closed his eyes and sighed, and I knew that was all I was going to get out of him. I sighed as well and let my head fall back onto his shoulder while I processed what he'd said. His story had been beautiful and obviously very painful for him to share with me. I felt his sadness, but something within me also knew his sadness. It was almost like I'd remembered it, but I knew that I hadn't. It had just been a story, after all…
Hadn't it?
I closed my eyes and shook my head as my emotions raged. What was this emotion that I was feeling? It was so alien to me that I couldn't even fathom naming it. I'd felt sadness and even felt joy at some point in my life, but this was neither of those…or anything. It felt like a gaping void that had been in my heart forever was just revealing itself. I felt…empty, alone…afraid, but those still didn't give what I was feeling justice.
"Sora…someone's at your door," Riku whispered.
I gasped and jumped out of bed as I heard the front door squeak open and the footsteps that soon followed. Two sets of steps. It wasn't my mom.
"Hello? Anyone home? Sora?"
I sighed as I recognized the voice. "It's okay. It's only Leon." I turned to Riku with a small frown on my face. "You won't leave?"
He shook his head. "No. I promise."
I nodded and pulled my door open, dashing down the hall to stop at the top of the stairs. Leon was waiting at the bottom, his signature frown on his face but the glint in his eyes belied it. A blonde I had never seen before stood with him. He looked up at me and I had to stifle my gasp. His eyes were inhumanly blue. They looked like they would glow if you turned the lights out.
"Hey, Sora. It's been a while, hasn't it?"
I nodded and ran down the stairs to embrace my older brother. He laughed and patted the top of my head gently.
"Nice to see you in a good mood for once."
I pulled away and grinned sheepishly, running a hand back through my hair. Leon shook his head and gestured to the blonde.
"This is Cloud, my roommate."
I smiled at him. "Nice to meet you."
He responded with a slight nod.
"Sorry I'm late and not alone, but Cloud insisted on meeting you for some reason and refused to stay home." He glanced at the blonde with a look in his eyes that I'd never seen before, at least not on him. "What did you want to talk about? Anything interesting."
I furrowed my brow and sighed. Yeah, there were plenty of interesting things I needed to talk to him about, but I couldn't say it in front of Cloud. It would be hard enough to tell Leon about Mom when we were alone. Unless Cloud left, it would impossible for me to say anything. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Just come out and say "Hey! Look at this. Nice cut, huh? Yeah? Well, guess what. Mom did it. And every other bruise and cut on my face and around my throat…? Yeah, those are from her too."? Yeah, right. I'd either be shipped of to a mental hospital or to a foster home, neither of which were very inviting to me even if it meant getting away from my mom.
"Um, no. Not really. Can I not have an excuse to see my big brother?" I tried on my best pout and was glad when it worked.
Leon chuckled and ruffled my hair a bit. "I guess I really have been neglecting you as a big brother, huh? Sorry."
I shrugged and sent a quick look up the stairs. I really hoped that Riku did as he'd promised and wouldn't leave or else he'd be getting an earful at school tomorrow. If he even showed up, that is.
I turned my attention back to Leon to see him looking at me in a strange sort of way. I smiled at him to make it go away. He smiled back, but the look never left his eyes. It really unnerved me and sent a shiver rippling down my spine.
"Well…" I coughed quietly. "You seem busy and I had to be an annoying little brother and see you, so I guess I'll let you go on your way and get back to whatever you were doing."
Leon frowned and opened his mouth to argue, but I caught him.
"You can't tell me that you'd rather stay here with me? Come on. You've got Cloud to keep you company. He's got to me more fun that I could ever be."
He sighed in defeat and ran a hand back through his long hair. "You're sure there's nothing you want to tell me?"
I nodded and smiled. "Yep, I'm sure. Just wanted to see you, is all."
He sighed again and turned for the door. He stopped as his hand turned the handle. "I'll call you tomorrow, okay? Just to check on you. Maybe Mom will be home so I can talk to her, too. I haven't seen her in a while."
I couldn't help the small laugh that snuck past my lips. Leon glanced back at me with a frown on his face but I shook my head and all but shoved him out the door; Cloud had already disappeared out on to the porch and probably to Leon's car.
"Have fun with Cloud. Tell him I said bye, since he just disappeared before I could say it myself."
Leon nodded, the same strange look in his steely blue eyes. Dad's eyes. Looking into them always managed to unsettle me. I watched Leon as he walked to his car and didn't close and lock the door until I saw him turn off the street.
The moment the lock clicked in the door, I broke. My knees collapsed beneath me and I tumbled to the floor, sobs wracking my body. I don't know where they came from, but they weren't from my toes. And they weren't the good kind of sobs, if there even is such a thing. No. They were the painful sobs that made it feel like your heart was being twisted in someone's fist.
I didn't hear him come down the stairs but I was suddenly lifted into Riku's arms and his soft voice filled my head, whispering sweet words I could barely understand through my distress. He rocked me back and forth in his arms. My hands balled tightly in the fabric of his shirt for the fear that he would disappear and leave me alone.
Riku lifted me from the ground and into his arms, but I didn't care. I let go of his shirt and wrapped my arms around his neck, burying my face in the crook of his neck as he carried me upstairs and back to my bedroom. My sobs slowly died as we walked, but my tears refused to stop. When he reached my room, Riku lay down with me on my bed and held me tight to him. I snuggled into his warmth and sighed in content, sniffing away the last few tears that ran down my face.
Before I could tell my mind to do otherwise, I had drifted off into sleep.
o-o-o-o-o
No strange dreams about angels or kingdoms or death haunted my sleep. When I next awoke, it was too the steady sound of rain against my window. It was dark outside and I was still wrapped tightly in Riku's arms. His gentle breaths tickled my cheek. I smiled and snuggled into his embrace, sighing when his arms tightened around me reflexively. Or maybe it wasn't reflexively. Who was I to know?
I let my eyes drift closed, even though sleep was far from my mind. I fell into the rhythm of his breathing with my thoughts circling. He was still here. For the first time since Leon had gone off to college, I'd had someone with me when I broke down, someone to hold me and tell me that it was all going to be okay. And just knowing that I had been able to cry was a godsend. I hadn't cried properly in over a year and I suddenly felt cleansed of everything that had been building up over the past couple of days.
The familiar opening of a song pulled my attention to the stereo that sat across my room. I smiled and carefully pulled myself out of Riku's arms, immediately longing for his touch the moment it was gone. I sat cross-legged beside him and brushed his bangs back out of his face. As the song started, I sang along with it.
"The strands in your eyes,
They color them wonderful.
Stop me from stealin' my breath.
Emeralds from mountain thrusts towards the sky,
And never revealing their depth.
Tell me, that we belong together.
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated.
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above…"
My fingers cautiously danced across his face as I sang the words. He looked amazingly like a beautiful porcelain doll as he slept and I didn't want him to break. I would make sure to take care of him forever. I would make sure that he never turned out like I had. Broken. Junk…
I boldly ran a finger across his full bottom lip and longed to feel them on mine again, but I was too shy to take control and kiss him myself. The lyrics still flowed from my lips as I explored his face and moved my hand down to take his and hold it tenderly.
"…And I'll be your cryin' shoulder
And I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life…"
Riku sighed and his eyes fluttered open. I gasped and looked away from him. He chuckled and reached out, cupping the side of my face in a gentle hand to make me look at him.
"Don't stop singing," he whispered. "I've missed hearing your voice."
I nodded and continued with the song, closing my eyes as the lyrics to the next verse flowed from my mouth.
"…And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed.
You're my survivor.
You're my living proof
My love is alive and not dead.
And tell me that we belong together.
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated.
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heart ache that hang from above
And I'll be your cryin' shoulder
And I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life…"
Riku had pushed himself up into the sitting position while my eyes were closed and he gently started to run his fingers over my face. Over my eyes, nose, cheeks, lips. His hands moved down and gently embraced my neck and I gasped quietly as his lips traced where his fingers had touched, but I didn't stop singing.
"…I've dropped out
I've burned up
And fought my way back from the dead
I've tuned in
And turned on
And remember the day that you said
And I'll be your cryin' shoulder
And I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your
I'll be your cryin' shoulder
And I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life."
As the song ended, Riku's lips finally found my own. His kiss was passionate but chaste at the same time, and pleading. I melted into him as he pulled away and started to press open-mouthed kisses down my jaw line and throat, stopping when he reached my collarbone.
I moaned his name quietly and slowly let my eyes flutter open so I could see what he looked like. Neat wrinkles were pressed into his brow as he frowned, but his eyes shined with so many different emotions. I knew that this was hard for him and it was probably hurting him as well. I didn't want that. I didn't want him to hurt. I had made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let him feel pain.
He laughed quietly and turned his face away from mine so his long veil of hair shielded his face from view. I sighed and cupped the side of his face in my hand to turn his face to mine. He complied, but I could feel that he didn't want to.
"What's wrong, Riku? Did I do something wrong?"
He laughed the same sad laugh again and shook his head. "No. I was just remembering. You always used to sing to me when we were together. They were mostly songs that you had written yourself. You had and will always have the most beautiful voice I've ever heard."
I felt the warm blush on my cheeks and was glad for the darkness in the room so Riku couldn't see it. I moved forward and straddled his lap and, ignoring his gasp, wrapped my arms around his neck. I nuzzled my face into the crook of his shoulder and inhaled deeply, memorizing his scent. It was an exotic smell, even though I couldn't find a trace of cologne on him. There was nothing in world that I could compare it to.
"…I'll be your cryin' shoulder
And I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life…"
The sudden sound of Riku's voice startled me. It was so beautiful. I suddenly felt embarrassed that he'd heard me sing. It almost felt as if I'd dirtied him with my words. He made the lyrics sound even more perfect than they already were.
He laughed quietly again. "Don't think so low of yourself, Sora. It doesn't fit you. You're too bright and strong to be so upset all the time."
I sighed and snuggled close to him. Riku chuckled and turned so he could lie back on my pillows with me lying on top of him, running his fingers gently through my hair. I drifted off to the almost silent sound of his voice as he sang the rest of "I'll Be" into my ear.
o-o-o-o-o
The annoying shrill of my alarm clock pulled me from my slumber the second time. I buried my face into my pillow with a moan and reached out to blindly hit the snooze button on my clock. I succeeded only after sending a few hopefully unimportant items tumbling to the floor from my bedside table. When the thing finally shut up, I sighed and snuggled deeper into my blankets and pillow, but it felt like something was missing…something very important.
I shot up in my bed as realization hit me. Riku! My eyes wildly searched my room for a sign of him, but I could find nothing. Sighing heavily, I fell back onto my bed and stared blankly at the ceiling. When had he left? And how had he left without managing to wake me?
"Bastard…" I muttered, sitting up in bed and clicking off my alarm clock as it began to sing again.
I yawned loudly and came to another instant realization at the sound of barking coming from my backyard. I'd forgotten to let Bo inside after getting back from the café. I'd also forgotten to feed and water him. Cursing under my breath, I ran downstairs and grabbed his food and water dishes to fill them before I let him in at the backdoor. I was immediately mauled over by the one-hundred-fifty pound dog and found my face covered with dog drool.
"Ah! Get off me, Bo. Go eat your breakfast!"
As if he'd suddenly remembered his hunger, the three-year-old forever puppy at heart crawled off my chest and bounced over to his food. I shook my head and shoved myself up from the ground, somehow managing to carry myself back up the stairs and into my bedroom so I could get ready for school.
Ugh…school…good times…
I walked back into my room and went to gather my school books from my desk. A piece of paper with neatly scripted handwriting sat on top of them. I picked it up slowly and let my eyes skim over the words.
My Sky…
It's 2 AM. I've been watching you sleep for an hour now. You've always looked the calmest while you were sleeping, like your dreams were your only safe escape from reality.
I don't want to leave you but I need to return home before my family begins to wonder where I disappeared to. They don't like it when I leave without telling them where I'm going. I will be at school. I promise. I don't think I'll be able to go another day without being with you.
With love,
-R
I laid the note off to the side while I gathered my things and shoved them into my backpack. Next came a shower that was just long enough for me to half-heartedly wash my hair and all the special places. After that, I slumped back to my room and dressed in a pair of dark blue jeans, a black shirt, and a grass green jacket with a white, orange, and pale blue stripe going down each sleeve from the shoulders.
With help from some unknown force, I made it downstairs with my backpack slung over my shoulder. After I finally got Bo back outside I didn't have enough time to eat so I bypassed the kitchen and made a straight shot for the door. I stuffed my feet into my shoes and put my headphones into my ears, a routine that was already starting to bore me, and stepped outside to wait for Roxas so we could head off to school.
Ugh…school…
Just another day in hell…
TBC…
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A/N: Welp, there it is. I hope you all liked it. This was one of my favorite chapters to write, especially the part where they share their stories and stuff. Plus, Riku finally reveals his trueself to Sora. He's a total softy. Hehe...
Anyway…to come in the near future…
Sora's mom makes a grand return…Sephiroth is finally introduced…some more on Roxas and Axel's relationship…Halloween, the Pumpkin Festival, and parties… And the chapter that gave birth to this fic… Hurrah!…
Alrighty…thank ya big-big to everyone who read and reviewed before. They are very much appreciated, as always...
Ja mata ne!! 'Til next chapter...