Okay…this chapter is depressing, to say the least. I do like the beginning. As I read over it, I really like how I wrote the ending. You'll see why when you get there…

And I spent my entire Yule arguing with myself over whether or not I would update today before I came to the conclusion that I probably wouldn't be able to update 'til after Christmas so I better update while I have the chance. Everything's happening sooo fast. Yule was today and Christmas is three days away!!!! ::runs away screaming:: It's crazy!!...

Anyway...enjoy!…

WARNINGS: shounen-ai, of course…child abuse…SI…

Disclaimer: the characters and worlds of Kingdom Hearts belong to Square Enix and Disney…

"…I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut…"

—"Cut" Plumb…

Chapter Five:
Cut…

Before I knew what was happening, long September days gave way to just a wee bit shorter October days. Fall had settled over Twilight Town and it made itself known with icy breezes and wild temperature changes. The town itself, which I had been visiting almost daily with Riku, was decorated with oranges and blacks for the Halloween season. Jack-O-Lanterns sat on doorsteps, leering at passersby with their eerily toothy grins and sad droopy eyes. Some people decided to get artistic and carved cats, ghosts, witches, vampires, and other creepy creatures into their pumpkins.

And me? Well…I didn't have a pumpkin, even though I wanted one more than anything. Since Dad had died, Mom refused to get in the festive spirit for any holiday, even Christmas. I had thought about sucking up to Leon to get him to buy me a pumpkin, but I decided against it. He would ask why I didn't ask Mom to buy me one, and I really didn't want to get into that conversation with him. Not now, at least.

Speaking of my mom… I hadn't seen her in a while. She was still in the house, but she came home from work changed clothes and went back out again before I could get home from school, not returning until after I had turned in for the night. Then she would get up with the sun in the morning and leave before I got ready for school. Not that I was complaining, but I would be lying to myself and everyone around me if I said that I didn't miss her a little bit.

School was the same drag that it always was. The only thing that made it better was seeing Riku. It didn't matter that I didn't get to talk to him as much as I would have liked to. He waited for me in his car outside of school when classes were done so he could whisk me off to some unknown place where we could spend time together, although we usually wound up at the little café.

I didn't know what to think about our relationship. We hadn't really talked about anything of much importance since the night I'd told him about my dreams. When we got together after school we usually just talked about trivial things, if we even talked about anything at all. I didn't mind the silence, though. They were always comfortable, devoid of the painful awkwardness our first conversations had been plagued with.

Yet, when I went home it was to an empty house and an empty room, with only a three-year-old black Lab for company. Not that I minded that either. I still needed my privacy. But… Riku was becoming a drug that I could never get enough of, and it was starting to scare me. He made the pain of every day life bearable and somehow managed to make me happy, or he at least made me feel happy. I couldn't exactly say that I was happy because, when my bedroom door closed behind me every night, I would find myself trapped in the bottomless pit of depression I'd been trying to escape since my dad's death.

Depression. It haunted me while I was awake and was beginning to haunt me in my dreams. I used to find sleep the only escape from the hell that was my life, but my dreams were starting to become more and more vivid. Images of a long and bloody war haunted me. And when the dreams weren't haunting, they were confusing. The blonde man from my first dream visited me often, as well the black-winged Roxas, beautiful Riku, and lately Axel. Everything was all just so jumbled up that I couldn't make heads or tails of it.

And just to add to the confusion, Roxas lent me that book. A Millennium of Pain, or something like that. Was it just a coincidence that the characters were all named after me, Riku, and those around us? The story that he had told me was even mentioned in the book. I had laughed at first, thinking that he had just gotten the tale from the book, but… Something about the story in the book just felt off, while Riku's story had felt right. Well, maybe not right, but it definitely felt familiar, like I had experienced it before in some past life.

The other thing that confused me about the book was that it told me about my dreams. Each of my dreams, or memories if I agreed with Riku, was written out as if it were a short story that had been pulled from someone's imagination. If my dream ended at a bad place, I was able to pick up the book, find where it was, and finish reading it. Call it cheating if you will, but I was glad that I read some of them. While it wasn't much, the effects of the nightmares were dulled if I had read the complete story before I dreamt about it.

It was pure insanity. That was all I could say. I believed that I did have a past life, but I never would have thought that in it I was an angel who was in love with a demon. It made no sense. And as that angel, I was so innocent—so pure—like nothing would ever be able to hurt me as long as I had my faith. To look at me now and compare it to that…

It was pure insanity…

…but I was loving every minute of it.

o-o-o-o-o

"…the angel Sora was forced to watch in horror as his lover gagged. Blood that was as black as the sky above them oozed from between his lips.

"Riku!"

The angel pushed himself up from the ground and stared at the demon in horror. The tip of a sword was protruding from his stomach. A hooded sword wielder stood behind him, a smirk the only visible feature on their shadowed face. They ripped the sword from the demon with a jerk, making him gag and sputter. With one last victorious smirk, they turned on their heel and walked off in the opposite direction.

Riku shivered uncontrollably, his every breath difficult in his chest. In a panic, Sora laid him back on the ground and tore open his clothing until he was faced with his flesh. Too much blood was spilling from the wound. He had already lost so much.

Sora pressed his hands against the wound and whispered words in an ancient tongue, willing the power to course through his veins and heal the gaping lesion in his lover's abdomen. The power came, but there was no healing. The wound stayed open and the demon stared up at him blankly.

Tears blinded the angel's vision. He threw his head back and cursed at the gods above him, the very people he served, for being so cruel. He would find the agent who had killed his love and get his revenge, even if it meant turning his back on everything he believed in.

"Dō…dōshite (1)."

The angel moaned quietly. "I don't know. Aishiteru, koibito," he whispered and pressed a gentle kiss against the dead boy's lips. "I'll be with you soon, I promise."

A sigh as quiet as the breeze slipped past the demon's lips and then there were no more. No more breaths, no more smiles. The light in his eyes was gone forever.

The world around him started to shake as Sora stared at his lover's body, a loud ripping sound filling the deafening silence that echoed in his ears. Someone was screaming, but he didn't know who. Was it Axel? Or Roxas? No. He was alone. He had always been alone.

A strong pair of arms wrapped around the angel and pulled him backwards as he started to move toward the demon's lifeless body. It was then that he realized that it was him who was screaming, and the world wasn't shaking. That was him too. The person who held him ran fingers back through his hair and whispered consoling words in his ear as he buried his face into their chest, sobbing into their chest while his fingers held a death grip on the fabric of their black robe.

Black robe? It had to be Axel. He and Roxas were the only ones who had known where Riku and Sora were going to be. At least, that's what he had thought. Had they betrayed them? No. That had been a being from Akari. Axel and Roxas wouldn't have turned Riku and Sora into them, not before they gave their lives first.

"Sora-kun shizuka ni naru. Onegai! Kare-wa shindeiru desu! (2)"

Sora shook his head and buried his face deeper into their chest. "No! How can you expect me to calm down?!" he shouted, foregoing the Speech. "Riku!"

The broken angel had to be carried away from his dead lover, while Ax…"

I closed the book with a loud snap and buried my face into my arms to muffle my sobs, the now familiar feeling of déjà vu sweeping over my senses. I had been there. He had been the one holding me, worrying about whether I was okay or not. How could things have changed so quickly? I should have been able to stop his death, but… There was no excuse for it. I was guilty. Riku's blood was on my hands.

A quiet moan slipped past my lips as I looked up from my arms. The Botticelli-worthy angels and demons of the painting on the cover of the book watched me as I pushed myself up from the ground and moved to sit on my bed, a feeling of dread washing over me.

Something wasn't right.

I frowned and shook my head as I grabbed my cell phone from my bedside table, hitting the first speed dial button. The voice I wanted to hear more than anything in the world answered on the second ring. I tried to tell him what was wrong, but my words were stuck in my throat as I suddenly started to sob into the receiver. The phone slipped from my hands and clattered down to the floor. In what felt like seconds, a cool breeze filled my room and his arms were wrapped around me, enveloping me in warmth and protecting me from anything that wanted to hurt me.

"Riku, I…I…" I buried my face into his chest and he pulled me down into the bed.

"Shh. It's okay, Sora. I'm here. You don't need to worry."

I shook my head. No. I had to worry. I didn't know why I had to worry or why I had suddenly broken down into tears, but the words I'd read in the book had suddenly clicked in my mind. It had been the conclusion to the first dream I had had, the one where Riku had been stabbed. It was like every other dream, yet something about it was different. Just thinking about it tore a gaping hole in my chest.

"Riku…Riku, I…"

"Shh…" He ran his fingers through my hair in even strokes as my sobs slowly began to calm. Just having him with me was an anesthetic. He was even better than cutting. I couldn't get enough.

When I was finally able to breathe halfway properly, I sighed and snuggled into his chest, moving a hand up to play with his hair. It was so soft and smooth, almost like it was born of the finest silk pulled from the heavens. I felt his chest heave slightly, but the sigh that usually follows never came. I frowned and looked up at him, resting my chin on his chest. The corner of his mouth lifted in a half smile. Yes, something wasn't right…

"Riku…?"

He smiled again and shook his head, cupping the side of my face in his hand. I sighed and relaxed into the embrace, closing my eyes as he began to brush his thumb against my cheek. I never would have pictured him as someone who could be this gentle and kind. Even after I had fallen for him, I thought he would be a little harsher, though not cruel.

"It's okay, Sora. I know… You had another bad dream?"

I shook my head. "N-no. I don't know what it was, actually. It was something I read in the book, I guess. It got to me."

He frowned and glanced down to the floor where the book still laid. The way the light shined on the cover made it look like the creatures in the painting were performing a beautiful dance.

"You've been reading it a lot lately, haven't you?" I nodded and he sighed and nodded. "Good. You should be reading it. It might be…good for you."

I frowned but nodded. "Is something wrong, Riku?"

He shook his head and ran a gentle hand back through my hair to pull my attention back to him. "No. I'm fine. I'm just worried about you." I started to open my mouth to complain but he silenced me with a finger over my lips. "And don't you dare tell me not to worry about you. I've noticed that you've been really quiet lately. Roxas even mentioned something to me about it."

The frown on my face deepened. "Roxas? Since when does he talk to you?"

Riku laughed. "Since I talked to him. Now I just need to get him to talk to Axel and my life's mission will be complete." He smiled and glanced at me. "Well…almost anyway."

I felt the blush warming my cheeks and quickly buried my face in his chest to hide it. He chuckled and continued running his fingers through my hair. I sighed in content and slid up his body a little bit so I could lay with my head on the crook of his shoulder.

"What are you doing for Halloween?"

I chuckled quietly. "Nothing. Don't you think I'm a little old for trick-or-treating? Roxas and Kairi want me to go to the Pumpkin Festival with them, but I said that I already had plans."

"And you do."

I frowned and glanced up at him. "I do?"

He nodded. "You're coming to a party with me."

I laughed and shook my head. "Uh…yeah…no. I don't do parties, Riku. You know that. I hate crowds and I can't stand drunk people. They annoy me."

He shrugged. "But I'll be there, and it'll be fun. It's a college party too, so that makes it even better."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, loads."

He sighed. "Nevermind then. I'll just go all by myself and be completely susceptible to all of those perverted drunk girls that will hang all over me."

"That will hang all over you?" I laughed. "Whatever. If you want me to go so badly, then I'll go, but only on one condition."

He arched his eyebrows in interest.

"I'm not going by myself. Meaning…" I cut him off. "…that I want Roxas to come too. He could use the socialization as well."

He frowned for a moment, but then his eyes flashed and a huge smile lit up his face. "Sora, you're a genius! God, what would I do without you?"

I shrugged. "Oh…you would just helplessly wander through the world, spending every day pondering your meaningless existence."

He chuckled and ruffled my hair playfully. "Sure I would…"

I glared at him. "What's that supposed to mea…—"

A loud bang from somewhere downstairs interrupted me and sent my attention rushing to my bedroom door. Fuck! I shot up on my bed and ran to the top of the stairs. My mom stumbled around the landing, one foot in a high heeled shoe while the other was just dressed in a hose. My movement at the top of the stairs caught her attention.

Just to be nice about it, she looked like shit. Her makeup was haphazardly smeared across her face and her lips were as bright as a cherry, a sharp contrast to the sickly color of her skin. It was my best guess that her hair may have been made up in some elegant style when she'd left, but now it hung in a frizzy mess around her face. She smiled at me, flashing her white teeth, and it was sickeningly sweet.

"Sora, my baby boy." She held her arms out open to me for a hug. "Come down and give Mommy a hug. I've missed you so much!" A drunken giggle slipped past her lips.

Something in the corner of the eye made me look to my left. Riku was sticking his head out my bedroom door, a look of confusion on his face. My eyes widened to the size of platters and I rushed to him.

"That's my mom. You need to leave," I said as I pushed him toward my window. "She'll kill me if she knows that you're here."

"Okay, okay," he said and grabbed my arms so I would stop pushing him. Before I could stop him, he pulled me close and kissed me tenderly. He smiled at me when he pulled away. "Call me if you need anything, okay?"

I nodded and he kissed me on the forehead one last time before he disappeared out my window. The action was so quick that I had to blink. Sometimes I honestly wondered if he was really what he said he was. It would explain a lot.

Another loud crash brought my attention back to the situation at hand and I ran back to the stairs. The table beside the front door was lying on its side. Everything that had been on top of it was now lying on the floor, either in pieces or damn close to it. Mom was sitting in a heap on the floor. Her shoulders were shaking and it was obvious that she was crying. The smarter me inside my head was screaming for me to leave her alone, but the concerned son part of me took over as I walked down the stairs and to her side, lying a gentle hand on her shoulder. She stiffened under the touch.

"Mom? Are you okay?"

She shook her head and glanced up at me, an angry—albeit detached—look in her beautiful blue eyes. "Do I look okay? Honestly. Do. I. Look. Okay. To you?" She used the wall beside her as leverage to get back up onto her shaking feet. Thankfully her remaining high heeled shoe had slipped off when she'd collapsed, but she wasn't any less wobbly.

When she was standing, she loomed over me with a grimace on her face. "Why do you do this to me, Sora? Do you think it's funny to watch your mommy drink? Is that why you took your father away from me?"

I didn't need her words or the breath on my face to tell me that she was drunk. I could smell it on her clothes. But she wasn't only drunk. She was wasted…and angry. I should have run away when I had the chance, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. She needed help, and how much of a good son would I have been if I had just left her there?

"You need to go to bed, Mom."

A loud crack filled the house as she smacked me across the face. I didn't react to it, not even with a wince. I kept my eyes locked on her and the small frown on my face.

"You need to go to bed, Mom," I repeated through clenched teeth.

She screamed and latched her hands around my throat, wrestling me to the ground. I let her do it without a struggle. Somewhere in the sick masochistic part of my mind, I wanted this. I would be lying to myself and anyone who heard my story if I said that I didn't want it. The pain of her nails digging into the flesh of the back of my neck took my mind off the pain of the way she was treating me.

When I didn't respond to anything she was doing to me, she spat in my face and smacked me hard again. I winched then, the wet spit on my cheek amplifying the sting of her hand against my flesh. She laughed one of those ugly laughs that come from people who have had way too much to drink so that even their laughs were slurred, and pushed herself up from the ground.

She loomed over me like a cruel and selfish queen who dominated everyone around her. The sight of it sent a chill racing down my spine. She kicked me hard in the ribs and laughed when I cried out and curled into a ball.

"I thought you liked pain, Sora," she growled and kicked me again. "I'm not blind, you know. I've seen your arms and the bloody towels in the laundry basket. You tryin' to kill yourself, boy? Go ahead. It doesn't make a difference to me."

She laughed and I heard her uneven stumbling as she walked past me and into the kitchen. I clenched my eyes closed and bit my tongue to keep back the sob that was fighting to sneak past my lips. I didn't want to know what she would do if she knew that I was crying. She'd probably just laugh at me and then kick me a couple more times, shouting something about giving me a reason to cry like she always used to do when I was a child and she'd spank me for doing something bad.

My ribs throbbed beneath my arms and a migraine was starting to build up in the confines of my skull as I shoved myself up from the floor and stumbled toward the staircase. The clinking of glass in the kitchen followed by a loud curse echoed through the house when I finally made it to the landing. I gave myself a break to glance back down the stairs. It was the wrong choice. My mom stood in the door of the kitchen with a glass of vodka in her hand, her eyes aflame with anger and her mouth set in a tight line.

"Sora, darling, where are you going?" Her words were like sharp pins of ice that stabbed into my skin.

I shook my head, my eyes wide, and started my trek down the hall again. As the sound of her feet on the stairs echoed behind me, the hallway seemed to lengthen. My room looked like it was miles away. A quiet whimper slipped past my lips as I hurried my hobbling. I ignored the stinging pain in my ribs and the headache that felt like it was tearing my head apart in exchange for my safety. The pain just let me know that I was still alive. If I didn't make it to my room in time, I had the feeling that I wouldn't be alive for much longer.

"I would stop if I were you, you little shit. Don't tell me that you're afraid of me." She laughed. "You're weak. I know that you weren't able to tell Leon. I should have known. You're too weak to do anything on your own. Everyone would be better off if you were just dead. You have nothing to live for anyway."

I shook my head again. I refused to believe her words. I had Riku to live for, and if that wasn't enough then I didn't know what was. I loved him and he loved me. It didn't matter that there seemed to be this weird tie that kept us together or that he was a demon and I was an angel. All that mattered was that I had someone who loved me for who I was. I didn't have to pretend to be this thing that I wasn't when I was around him. I could be me for once in my damned life. I refused to have that taken away from me.

In a bright flash of light, my bedroom door was before me. I shoved it open and stumbled into my dark room. A horrendous scream filled the house as my door slammed closed behind me. I locked it just before my mom crashed into it, beating wildly against the door and screaming so loud and shrill that I couldn't understand a thing that she was saying. Not that I was paying attention.

I stumbled around my room in a lost daze. The force of my headache blurred my vision and made my head hurt even worse. The pain moved from my temples to behind my eyes where it decided to make itself home for a little while. I groaned quietly and sunk down to the floor, cradling my forehead into my hands. It hurt so bad. And I knew that my neck had to be black and blue, as well as most of the left side of my face. How was I going to cover that up tomorrow? Would I be able to lie to Riku?

I moaned and blindly searched around under my bed. A small smile formed on my face when my fingers closed around the small plastic box I hid under there for desperate times. This constituted as a desperate time. I pulled it out and fingered the plastic, absentmindedly sliding out a blade with only the flick of a finger.

Even in my moderate blindness, I could see it shining in my fingers. An overwhelming feeling of rage overcame me. My entire body started to tremble. An angry scream bubbled up behind my lips before spilling over and echoing around my room. The headache and my anger clouded my mind until I couldn't see or think straight.

When I finally came back to reality, I was still shaking and my breathing was heavy in my chest. Everything around me was red. The carpet was stained with droplets of crimson, the sleeve of my shirt was in tatters and stained with the bright color… I blinked and shook my head, running a hand back through my hair to calm myself. I took another look and the blade in my hand fell silently to the floor.

There was blood…so much blood. It poured out my arm and stained the sleeve I hadn't bothered to pull up before I'd started my cutting. My breathing became painful and hard in my chest. My eyes started to blur and my head spun. I reached out to grab a towel from my dirty clothes basket but I collapsed sideways onto my floor before I made it.

Pain suddenly flooded my senses. It tingled from my shoulder until it was a burning pulse at my forearm and wrist. I moaned quietly and curled into a tight ball. Darkness grabbed at the corners of my mind. I knew that I should fight it, but I couldn't bring myself to resist it. I had nothing better to do anyway, no one here to care for me as I slowly died. What a better way to go out than asleep, where I wouldn't feel a thing?

TBC…
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A/N: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Hehe…what happened? Bleh…this chapter isn't my favorite, though as I said before, I like the ending…. Yeah…

In upcoming chapters...
costume shopping...hospital visits...Halloween parties...Riku and Axel's secret is revealed...Leon's an asshole...a lemon?...separation...NeoAkari and NeoKurai...

Translations…
(1) Dōshite: Why?
(2) Sora-kun shizuka ni naru. Onegai! Kare-wa shindeiru desu!: Sora, calm down. Please! He's dead!

Anywhozits...thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter, and is going to review this chapter or is at least thinking about reviewing. I would be a much happier person if you would. ::puppy eyes:: Hehe... ::hugs::...

I apologize for any typos or grammar errors or anything else that was wrong with this chapter...

Much love to you all!!...

Ja, 'til next chapter...

-HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!-