Chapter 2: Pre-Production
Take 00
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Director: So, the Pilot chapter was picked up, we're going into a full production schedule.
Kyoto: "Sheh-joo-le"?
Director: Yes, Schedule. You know, S-c-h-e-d-u-l-e.
Kyoto: No…that's pronounced "Skeh-joo-ull"
Director: …
Kyoto: …
Director: Shut up.
Kyoto: Go back to your chair and put your helmet on, leave the higher brain functions to those suited to it, why don't ya?
Director (Scowling at Kyoto): Anywho…Another day of work you lot, I suspect you are all ready for today's installment, have gotten your scripts and have your lines planned out?
Cast as a whole: Grumble
Director: Also, you will all note, we will have a new character joining the cast. She's just a cameo at the moment, foreshadowing of a more central role to come. Ah! Here she is now, everyone, meet Lulu.
Kyoto (To Harry): Dude…those can't be real…
Harry (To Kyoto): They're like…floating on air.
Kyoto: Anyone else get the sudden urge to take up playing the bongos?
Director: Dude! Completely fucking inappropriate! The special effects for this are going to kick our budget's ass, we can't afford getting hit with a sexual harassment suit at this point in the production schedule-
Kyoto: Double-You. Tee. Eff.
Director: ...Just for that, you don't get a scene 'til the end of the chapter. And at that…it's a scene with Snape. And Dumbledore.
Kyoto: …Uncool.
Lulu (To Kyoto and Harry): Hi! I'm Lulu, but you can totally call me Lu if you like. I understand we're gonna be working quite closely together for the extent of the foreseeable future, and I just wanted to make sure we got off on the right foot. I'd love it if we could all go out and get something to eat and discuss our characters in this particular portrayal, their motivations in the things they do, etcetera.
Kyoto (To Lulu): Hi. I'm Kyoto…and…um…you can call me Kyoto, I guess. Hmm…or Daddy…but that's less a "calling" and more a "screaming" thing in that case.
--Director slaps Kyoto in the back of the head--
Director: Never mind him, we got him from one of those method acting studios, and he's practicing his inappropriate comedy routine at a most inopportune time.
Kyoto: Um…no…you all got me after my set at the male review…
Kyoto (To Lulu): Not to toot my own horn, but I was the main draw, the women loved me. See, I was going by the stage name of Big Dick Cheney, see, it was an American Vice-Presidential theme. I even had a stars-'n'-stripes banana hammock. I Came out to the presidential march, ya know, it was awesome.
Harry: I so didn't need to know that. Like…now the thought is bouncing around in my head, and my brain cells are committing suicide in fear of infection by that image. Thanks Kiki, I think I'm going to be as dumb as Dudley by the end of today thanks to you.
Kyoto (To Harry): Harry, I told you not to call me that name again!
Director Laughing: Whatever, the lot of you, to your trailers, we start shooting once I finish my do-it-yourself lobotomy to remove the image of your scrawny ass in a banana hammock…Kiki.
Kyoto: Fuck you.
Crash, Bang, Slam!
Kyoto: Fuck.
Director (Shouting): Could someone help Kiki get untangled from the camera wires!
Bzzzzt!
Director (Shouting): And could someone get me a Vicodin and vodka? And please bring the fire extinguisher…
Director (Grumbling): Not only does he fall, but he finds a way to catch his hair on fire.
Kyoto (Shouting from the floor): Fuck you, man!
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Chapter 2: Scene 1.25
Take 1
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"My name is Harry." He said upon observing her look of waiting for something. She nodded and with another shake of their oddly still joined hands she let his go and started toward the house.
As she was on her way, she turned and said slightly over her shoulder, "You should come out. Just follow the signs all over." and then she was at the door, a soft rapping sound all Harry could hear of her presence anymore.
5 minutes later she was out of the door, hitting a light jog to get away from the house as Dudley's large, pink, fat face called to her from the house for her to come back and describing in detail, explicit detail, too much detail, all the fun they could have were she to return. Harry saw the sickened look on the girl's face and made out the slightly greenish tint to her face from even half a block away.
And he turned back, and proceeding to vomit all over the grass as Dudley shouted his "pick-up lines"
Dudley (Shouting): Come on baby! You know you want it, I mean, imagine! Me and you, minus the clothes, add in a vat of mayonnaise, a tub of lard, a baguette loaf and a metal spatula! We could have so much fun!
Director (Slightly green): Um…cut…
Dudley: Why, what's wrong?
Production Assistant (Very green): I think we need a break…my breakfast is returning for a repeat performance.
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Chapter 2: Scene 1.25
Take 5
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Director: Fuck…CUT!
Dudley: What the hell is going on here? This is completely unprofessional!
Director (To P.A): I need a lot more alcohol to do this scene correctly. Because if nothing else, he's creative. Been 5 takes, and he's come up with a new line every time. And somehow defies possibility and makes it more disgusting every time.
Production Assistant (To Director): I know what you mean. I'm halfway into last week's food as far as vomiting goes. He gets any better…worse…whatever…I'm going to end up needing counseling. I'm vomiting like a model at an all-you-can-eat-buffet.
Director (Heaving): Thanks for mentioning food…
--Director runs off and vomits--
Kyoto (Shouting from off-camera): Tell me you didn't just throw up all over my Egyptian cotton sheets on the bed in my trailer! You passed 3 trash cans on the way here, yet you just splattered it all over my bed.
Harry (Shouting): Eh, they're in your contract's rider, they'll have to provide you a new set by tomorrow's shooting schedule or you can choose to not film.
Kyoto (Shouting from off-camera): It's not the sheets that are the issue.
Harry (Shouting): Then what?
--Kyoto flings open the door to his trailer and waddles out slowly--
Kyoto (Shouting unnecessarily): It's the fact that I was under said fucking sheets at the time!
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Chapter 2: Scene 1.75
Take 1
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After standing there for about 3 minutes without moving, Kally reappeared, holding something behind her back. "Oh, I forgot the water," and with that she pulled out a hose and began spraying Harry with it. He was utterly drenched in seconds. And finally she stopped the downpour and stood there, laughing. What she missed was, although the bucket had been empty before, with her little impression of a London Rainstorm, she had nearly filled it up. And Harry was not about to let her treachery stand.
Moments later the bucket was emptied atop her head. And to emphasize his point, he placed said bucket on her head and gave it a pat. The entire car wash stopped completely. Everyone was watching, and suddenly they all began to cheer. Kelly walked over to Harry and gave him a pat on the back. "You did it! In 5 minutes of being here, you overthrew our little hydromanical tyrant here." She smiled and proceeded to give the bucket a pat as she walked by, something that had yet to come off of Kally's head.
She removed the bucket slowly, and her lack of appreciation for Harry's little prank reciprocity was clear. "You die. Now." and with that she began chasing him. Harry being no fool took off running from her. As he ran by, there was a sudden movement from a nearby car, and suddenly there was water being sprayed at everyone around at the time. And just as that happened, music began to play.
Kyoto: Ok, I have the beads, its…
Kyoto and Director together: Wet T-Shirt Contest time!
All females on set: …oh hell no.
--Lulu wanders out of her trailer in a white button-up shirt and shorts--
Lulu: Did I hear something about a wet T-shirts contest?
Kyoto: Yes.
Director: Please god, yes.
--As Lulu nears the water-hose held in Kyoto's paralyzed hand, the studio's door was suddenly slammed open loudly--
Censorship Committee: Oh no you don't, buddy!
Director: What the hell are you all doing here? …I mean…come on…
Censorship Committee: Well you see, we won't have much say in the rest of this story without shooting the artistic properties of it to hell, so we're going to take this opportunity to intervene where we can, mainly so The Company can think we're actually doing something.
Director: …
Kyoto: How about a compromise. You give us this, and the sex scene of the kid over there losing his virginity in this story will be vague as fuck.
--The Censorship Committee confers amongst themselves--
Censorship Committee: Sounds good, we always enjoy ruining monumental happening with our presence and our encroaching moral standards. You can have this, on one condition.
Kyoto: Which is?
Censorship Committee: You let us enter this contest.
Everyone on the Set: …………………
Kyoto: But…you're all…guys…
Censorship Committee: So? Do I detect sexism here? Because we can shut this whole operation down and send you all to gender sensitivity training…
Director: …you know what…no. Fuck that shit. Get the hell out, Kyoto, turn the hose off.
Kyoto: but…but…water…white shirt…together…please!
Director: No, turn it off.
Kyoto: Fine.
--Censorship Committee leaves--
Director (To Kyoto): I hate those fucks. And you know what, just for that, we're making a wardrobe adjustment.
Kyoto (To Director): How so?
Director (To Kyoto): Keep this under wraps, but before, Lulu's clothing was just going to be a simple but well tailored trench coat that would show off her figure some, but hold true to a similar design as the dress she is most famous for wearing.
Kyoto (To Director): But now…?
Director (To Kyoto): Two words. Leather. Catsuit.
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Chapter 2: Scene 2
Take 1
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He laid on his bed. Reading was moved inside that day, as the rain made its return with a vengeance. The gentle drum rhythms against the rooftop did not serve as appropriate reading music, as he found his eyes drooping closed every few seconds.
Yes, home alone for the first time in damn near ever, and he was upstairs, in his "room", reading.
"My, not only do I fail as a wizard. Fail as a savior. But I'm a failure at being a good teenager to boot. Wow, amazing. Can't even manage to die correctly either…"
Harry: Hold on, cut, fucking cut.
Director: Um…what?
Harry: Dude…if I was any more Emo in this scene I'd probably have a fucking boy-cry and turn into a girl with hair that hasn't been washed in a year and strategically covers just one eye, or some shit.
Director: Um…if it makes you feel any better, if you can get through this scene, next chapter you meet Blaise, who will be a major love interest, and you get kissed by a hot girl.
Harry: Alright…Just don't want to be doing these scenes without some balance. God knows I have enough people wondering about me as it is.
Director Laughing: I get ya, man.
Harry: However…
Director: …?
Harry: I want to be kissed by two girls. One of them I want to be Tonks.
Director: Um…we don't have a story arc for that situation and there's nowhere to actually…put it…
Harry: I don't care, toss it in there, leave it open, settle it at whatever chapter is in planning at the moment now, you'll think of something.
Director: Yeah, I'll figure something out…oh, and a word of advice.
Harry: …?
Director: Obtain and ascertain control of the situation when kissing Tonks as much, and as soon, as possible. I found that out, if you don't, she's entirely likely to try and dominate the situation.
Harry (Holding back a laugh): Did it to you?
--Director looks affronted and nervous--
Director: But of course not! I'm a manly man! I rule all I foresee-
--Harry raises an eyebrow--
Director: Look, all I know is, I woke up chained to a bed in a Tijuana motel with some girl named Maria who didn't speak a word of English in a French Maid outfit, running her duster under my arms, and whip welts all over my chest.
--Harry winces--
Director: Yeah, she took my keys too. And my passport. I had to break back in to the country. See, this is why shooting in America is such a bloody nightmare. This is why I wish we were doing this in Australia. No borders to cross.
Kyoto (Shouting from off-camera): Australia fucking fails! Fuck Australia, Fuck Kiwis, Fuck kangaroos, koalas, dingoes, opera houses and the fucking toilet flushing the wrong fucking way!
Bam!
Director Shouting (To P.A.): He fell again, didn't he?
Production Assistant Shouting (To Director): When isn't he falling? Honestly? We're gonna have to get him a fucking stunt-walker…He can do all the acrobatic shit, and he can act, but he can't walk across a room without licking the linoleum.
Kyoto (Shouting from the floor (To P.A.)): Hey Julia, your linoleum need licking?
Production Assistant (To Kyoto): Maybe later, as for now, get the fuck up, you have a scene coming up.
--Production Assistant(Julia) helps Kyoto up--
Kyoto (mockingly breathy): Oh dear, I don't know if I can make it to my trailer on my own. You'll just have to be my temporary crutch into my trailer, dear.
--Production Assistant rolls her eyes, but helps Kyoto to his trailer, before being pulled in as well--
Director (To Harry): Well, let's finish this scene, we got time, and we won't see either of them for a while. I've known Kyoto for a long time…next chapter I have to find a new Production Assistant, it'll be quite odd having Julia on set after this.
Director (Shouting to crew): Alright you bums, stop standing around, we have a few more scenes to shoot!
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Chapter 2: Scene 3
Take 1
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"Harry Potter, how nice of you to join us. Seems I can indeed make this a clean sweep here and now. So, are you prepared to meet your wretched parents once and for all." Came the slithering, snake-like voice.
And Harry whirled around to find his enemy before him, his wand leveled. And Harry stood there, in his pajamas, defenseless and lost, in the middle of a war.
Voldemort: Wait, cut.
Director: Dude…I'm getting really tired of the lot of you morons saying cut. Only I can say cut.
Voldemort: So say cut.
Director: …
Voldemort: …well?
Director: …I'll say it when I'm good and freakin' ready, dammit.
--Voldemort huffs and crosses his arms--
Director: Fine, cut! Now what the hell do you want?
Voldemort: Look, I'm just not getting it. What is my motivation in this whole situation? I mean, honestly, I'm just not seeing it. Couldn't I be intent on destroying this village to save an endangered species they have been hunting? Or maybe not even destroying it, perhaps instead, I gain my vengeance by showing them the error of the ways and showing them how to reform…Yes, I could see it now. I, Lord Voldemort, esquire, OBE, the 'Sociopath with the Heart of Gold,' and all I really want is the protection of the Twinkle-Toed Twinkle Toad.
--Lord Voldemort pauses and looks thoughtful, his eyes shimmering--
Voldemort: Yes, as a boy, I lost my Twinkle Toad to some mean poachers, and I go out to find his family and deliver them his body, to find them near extinct, and I vow to do something about it, no matter what. It could be a moving story of sadness, loss, revelation, overcoming and triumph. I can just see the reviews, "'The Motivational Story of the Year,' says Robert Ebert. 'Lord Voldemort is one of the most versatile actors of our generation, with full emotional and character range, in league with greats like Christopher Walken and Johnny Depp. Yess…A more handsome Johnny Depp."
--Lord Voldemort sighs whimsically and clasps his hands together under his chin as he stares off in the distance--
Director: ………………………….
Harry: …………………………….
Crew: ……………………………..
Director: What.
Harry: The.
Crew: Hell.
Director (To Harry and Crew): You have no idea how much sleep I'm losing over this scene. Like, honestly…wow…I think my nightmares are going to have nightmares of this moment in my life.
--Harry shakes in terror and the Crew loses several members to simultaneous brain aneurism, seizures, or both.--
--Kyoto and Production Assistant(Julia) wander out of his trailer to see the state of the set.--
--Director gives them the previous soliloquy given by the man before them all, verbatim.--
--Kyoto actually looks paler than usual, and agrees to knock out his scene in one take, without any attacks at Dumbledore or Snape, so they can all get out of there and the crew can recover.--
Director: Alright people, let's get this scene out of the way, then get the last scenes of the day done so we can all go home. I think we all need a break from this place for a while…and a nice long break from Sociopaths with Hearts of Gold and monologues capable of causing instant brain failure upon mental ingestion.
Harry, Kyoto, P.A. and Crew: Seconded.
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