Chapter 3: A new day

Luke opens the door to the diner and turns on the lights. He holds the door open for Lorelai and Paul Anka and quietly closes it after them. Paul Anka runs straight upstairs and Lorelai laughs. "She has the most heartfelt laughter" Luke thinks and gives her a crooked smile back. "Sit down and I'll start on the coffee and if you want pancakes or something just let me know". "Just coffee Luke, that's great and really all I need". I am not eating much these day, and no don't comment on that." Lorelai smiles at Luke and takes her coat and gloves off and lays them on the counter. She pulls out a chair and sits down. Luke looks at her and remembers the first time she came into the diner with a crazed look on her face in desperate look for coffee. She has only been in once after the fateful day a year earlier and that was to thank him for his support when Richard was in hospital. But it felt awkward and she didn't stay longer than a couple of minutes so this was huge to the both of them but Luke also felt that it wasn't something they should talk about. It seemed natural that she was there but it was clear that they weren't completely at ease with each other.

Lorelai looks at Luke while he fills up the coffeemaker. How she's missed his presence in her every day life and just coming to the diner and relaxing and making Luke crazy with her banter and blabbing. They have so much history even before they started dating and Lorelai finally let into her feelings about Luke. She let go and let him kiss her that night of the trial run at the Dragonfly. She still gets butterflies in her stomach when she thinks back to that night. It was such a perfect kiss and Luke had been so sweet and nice in every single way. Lorelai sighs and just as she does she realizes that Luke is watching her. She looks down at the counter feeling a bit strange about Luke looking at her at that exact time; afraid that he will ask her what the sighing was about. Instead Lorelai stands up and goes to check on Paul Anka. Luke nods when she asks if it ok that she goes upstairs. She finds him in Luke's apartment lying in his favourite chair. The chair that she had joked about him not being allowed to move in to their newly renovated house. "He looks happy" she thinks and turns to walk back down stairs where she finds Luke wiping the tables and quietly humming to himself. She smiles and goes to the coffeemaker and pours some coffee. Luke stops and pulls out a chair and gestures for her to come and sit down.

Luke is a bit nervous. It's that feeling you have when you really like someone and you are not sure how they feel. Lorelai accepts his gesture and walks over and sits down. Luke sits down across the table from her and they sit in silence for what seems like hours to him. Finally Lorelai is the first to speak. "So Luke… I… this is weird right?" Luke smiles and nods. She is not alone in that feeling and Luke likes that she admits to it. "I mean, I don't want it to be weird but it is. I feel we should talk about everything but I am so scared that you won't want to listen. That you might get mad and I can't handle that." Luke looks at Lorelai and stutters slightly. "No, I mean… I think we need to talk too and I want you to hear me as well. We have things to talk about and I feel we need to in order for things to get better between us and then maybe we can be relaxed around each other again". He looks at Lorelai and gets concerned that he might have started out to harsh.

But Lorelai just sits there and looks at the table before taking a sip of her coffee and looks over at him. She gestures for him to go on. "Well, Lorelai. I want to apologize for everything. I never meant to hurt you the way I did but you have to understand that I didn't know you were hurting." Luke can tell that Lorelai is about to object to this so he quickly continues "Yes I should have known. I know you better than anyone. You even said I know you better than Rory and perhaps you were right. I should have told you about April as soon as she walked into the diner the first time. But I didn't. I have no excuse for that. And then for you to find out the way you did. I really am sorry Lorelai. But after that, you have to know that to me you seemed supportive. I was scared of letting you in because you are such an amazing person and I was scared that April wouldn't want to spend as much time with me then. I know its silly but it's true. That's really how I felt. I wanted to include you… I wanted us to spend time together with April and Rory. For us to blend as a family and then someday we… us… could add our own addition to the family. But I need to apologize but I also need you to understand that I seriously thought you were ok. That we were ok." Luke sighs after his little speech and looks at Lorelai. She it sitting there looking so sad and hurt that all Luke wants to do is go there and hug her and tell her that things were going to be ok. That they were going to be ok. But he couldn't.

Lorelai is listening to Luke talk. She wants to object when he says that he didn't know she wasn't ok with things back then. But she lets him continue and she listens intensely to him speaking. When he is finished she can feel the tears in her eyes. She wants to go to him and make things better. Make him understand that she has forgiven him about excluding her from April and that part of his life. That she knew he was scared and confused about the change in his life. Lorelai looks up and over at Luke. "Luke… I know you were scared and you didn't know how to deal. But all I wanted was for you to tell me things were going to be ok. That we were going to be ok… I was so, so scared of saying anything because I was afraid of losing you. Terrified that if I said something you were going to be mad and exclude me even more. Or even let me go. I could have said something, I could have handled things differently but so could you Luke. So could you. You could have asked me, asked how I felt, asked me to be a part of things. But you didn't. Not once Luke. And that hurt me. Deeply.".

Lorelai can feel the lump in her throat growing and tears welling up. "Don't cry Lorelai don't cry". She is frightened to look at Luke; she knows that it will lead to her crying and she wants to finish saying what she feels she needs to say. "Luke I need you to understand how much that hurt me. But I also need to understand that I should have spoken to you. That I should have told you about my insecurities and how sad I was to postpone the wedding because all I wanted, all my heart wanted was to be your wife; to marry you and start a family with you. Share our lives together till the end. But I didn't. Until the night I came in here and tried to push you into eloping with me. I was so determined to have you as my husband that I wasn't even thinking clearly. But you said no. And then that was it for me. I asked you to marry me and you said no. When that was all I ever wanted from you... I just wanted you to tell me you loved me. To fight for me that night and tell me we were going to make it. But you let me walk away Luke. You let me walk…"

Luke is staring at Lorelai face and it hurts him deep inside to see her so upset. He doesn't want her to be upset; all he ever wanted was for her to be happy and he had just hoped that her happiness would include him. Right now it didn't feel that way to him. He feels saddened and certainly not surprised though maybe he had dreamed of it to happen differently. Luke doesn't want to keep going on about how sorry he is; to him it's clear that his apology has been accepted but not forgiven and even though she was now on her way to getting divorced he wasn't actually sure he was over the fact that she had not only gone to be with Christopher by she had married him. All he really wanted was for them to start being friends again and for that to happen they needed to talk. Luke looks back over at Lorelai and finds her staring at him. He tries at small smile and reaches over to hold her hands. He just wants to feel a connection between them. He is scared she is going to move her hands away when he grabs them but to his relief she doesn't.

Lorelai is surprised and feels her heart jump as Luke's hand touched hers. It's like a jolt going through her whole body and sends her back to the first time they touched in a away that made her feel the same way as she did know. The night of Liz and T.J.'s wedding when he had asked her to dance. At first it was very awkward and she felt a bit strange about it but as the song and dance progressed she found herself completely comfortable and relaxed in Luke's arms. She had wanted the dance to go on longer but as they split she noticed a look on his face which she hadn't seen in while. He was genuinely happy and his eyes were full of life and contentment. And when they walked home they shared one of those moment where you look at each other and think that maybe, just maybe there was something there; something more than friendship. She looks at Luke not sure whether or not to move her hands but she just can't. She wants to keep talking but is scared they will say too much and it will get heated and they will lose each other in the moment. Lorelai turns to look out the window and quietly says: "Luke, we both have to take responsibility for what happened between us. None of us are innocent and I think it's important that we talk about it instead of hiding from it. That's what led us to here in the first place. I mean, this morning was a great start but we need to be able to go to each other with everything, just as friends, and then maybe we can go back to being best friends. But denying that we messed up isn't going to solve our trust issues and both our insecurities."

Luke is happy to be holding Lorelai's hands and it feel completely natural to him. But her words are hard to comprehend even though he agrees with what she is saying it's too hard for him to listen too or find a right reply to. Instead Luke turns his head down and withdraws his hands from hers. He doesn't look up to see the hurt in her eyes as he does this and Lorelai is not willing to expose her hurt so she stands up. Luke looks taken back by her sudden movement and stands up as well. "I… I… I'm sorry it wasn't meant to seem as if I was disagreeing with you. I mean, I know i have my share of the blame in this but it's just really hard to sit here and be calm about it because you hurt immensely when you not only slept with Christopher but then you went and married him and never even told me about it. Maybe you didn't have to tell me but I still feel you could have come to me. I wouldn't have liked it, no, but when you came to the hospital and then me noticing the ring. It hurt me Lorelai. A lot. But…" Luke sighs and looks Lorelai deep in the eyes. "I hope you know that you can always come to me. Always. Despite everything that has happened I will always care for you deeply and I guess I will always love you too. Both you and Rory." There, I said it, Luke thinks to himself. "I said it but it wasn't a declaring my love kind of thing so hopefully she won't run off.

Lorelai is shocked at Luke's words. They have such a deep connection and she knows that it will never go away and it will never be severed. But to here those words coming out of his mouth is too much for her. She doesn't want leave but she feels scared to stay. "Luke, we will always have a bond that is unbreakable. You will always be in my life and Rory's life and no matter what the state of our relationship I have always known that if I called you, you would be there for me. The same goes for me I hope you know that." Luke nods and smiles at her. "But I need us to start rebuilding some of that trust between us and I think we can. I believe we can." Lorelai looks at her watch and is surprised to see its almost half past 6. She has to go. People are going to start coming into the diner soon and she needs to take Paul Anka home before going to the Dragonfly. "Luke, I really really appreciate you inviting me over today. It means a lot to me… and Paul Anka" Lorelai says not trying to hide the laughter in her voice.

Luke smiles and lets out a "sure". He looks at her and tells her to go ahead and get Paul Anka and head home. He'll get her a coffee to take home. He watches her as she goes up the stairs to his flat to get the dog and goes over to the coffee machine and pours her a cup of coffee, places it on the counter and goes to the back to get her a fresh doughnut as well. They both return at the same time and it feels awkward between them. Lorelai takes the coffee and doughnut and smiles at Luke. "This is good right? I can come back and have lunch or dinner soon right?" Luke can't help but laugh and says that of course she can come back. She is always welcome here. "And yes this was good. Thank you for listening and talking to me." Lorelai nods and walks out the diner door; turns outside and gives Luke a little wave.