Author's Note: You and me, bub. Let's take this outside.
The Countdown to Imminent Doom:
Ganondorf's Story
Chapter Two: The Second Prologue
Ganondorf made his way onto his favorite horse, a particularly evil-looking black stallion.
"AWAAAAA-"
Unluckily, the horse spazzed out in full effect, throwing Ganondorf off, and fled in the other direction.
"-aaaay... You know, I never like that horse," Ganondorf clenched his fist and stood, "Mental note! Get a new horse. As soon as that one comes back, he's going STRAIGHT into the next batch of stew."
The sirens blared: "YEAH, LINK IS GETTING REALLY, REALLY CLOSE TO THE CASTLE ENTRANCE NOW! I MEAN, REALLY CLOSE! SO CLOSE IT MAKES YOU WANT TO CHASE A PRINCESS, OR SOMETHING!"
Ganondorf giggled, "Ha, ha, those silly sirens. They underestimate the power of The Harley." He pressed a button on the nearby wall, opening a conveniently located garage door across the room.
The door opened to reveal a particularly shiny Harley, equipped with particularly fancy mirrors and a particularly expensive paint job. Its particularly stylish exhaust pipe complimented its particularly tasteful leather seat.
Ganondorf mounted the Harley, donning huge dark shades and an equally huge helmet (with racing stripes).
"Oh, yeah!"
And so, Ganondorf rode off into the sunset!
Then he turned around and headed towards Hyrule Castle, where he hoped to get some boob grabbage from the princess...
"The TRIFORCE!" Ganondorf shrieked, "I'M AFTER THE TRIFORCE!"
Right. He headed towards the castle, where he hoped to get some Triforce from the princess...
Ganondorf let out a small cry of pleasure as he crashed the Harley into a tree and left it in a smoldering wreck of... Wreckage.
"Perfectly executed! Let's see them tow it HERE! None of those blasted red curbs around!"
...Elsewhere...
Princess Zelda: so I wuz liek, omg!1!11! he iz teh h0ttz0rz! An she wuz like, omg I no1!1!one!1! an I waz like, OMG BRAIN IS SO00OOOOO H0TT!1!11!(1)! an she wuz leik, ya!
"I understand, Zelda," Impa sighed as she undressed Zelda for bed, "you've told me twenty times tonight."
Zelda: BUT OMG U DUN NDRESTND!1! HE IZ HOTT! LOL 143!1!11!
Impa: OMG, IZ HE RLY THT H0TT!1?
Zelda: YA!
Suddenly, the castle shook violently. After a moment's pause, a short, plump servant popped into the room.
"Princess, Miss Impa. The castle is being groped by a green man."
Impa gasped, "A green groping man?"
"Yes ma'am," the servant gasped, out of breath, "The green man is groping the outer walls. We don't know how he got past the guards or the moat."
Impa made a fist, "Damn it! I KNEW we should have built a bigger moat! I told them, I TOLD THEM! A three-foot maot just ISN'T ENOUGH! But NOO-OOO!"
Zelda: OMG WUT IS GROPPING!1? runs out the door to go and see
The lone servant took mental snapshots of the nude Zelda for later use, then disappeared.
"NO!" Impa cried, and chased after Zelda.
"This can't be," she thought,"The ancient Shiekah prophecy is finally coming to pass… The Green Groping Man has finally come to overthrow the kingdom and destroy Hyrule! For many years I have been weary of the Green Groping Man, but I had recently dismissed it as a myth after Zelda's 12th birthday, when the Streaking Princess was supposed to have appeared! But now"
Fortunately, Impa's inner peril was interrupted by her sudden leap for Zelda, covering her in a nightgown.
Zelda: Eeeeeeeeee!
Zelda's body made a satisfying THUMP as she hit the floor.
Impa noticed nobody else was around to see this, "YOU LOVE ME! GODDESSES, YOU REALLY LOVE ME!"
The clouds that may or may not represent the Goddesses rumbled in a response of sorts.
"Now come on, Zelda," Impa heaved Zelda up on her shoulders, "we must leave at once!"
Zelda: But whyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeee?
Impa threw Zelda on a horse, then got on herself, "No time! Here, hold this blue thingy while I make sure the horse knows where we're going." She handed Zelda a blue thing.
Zelda: OMG ITZ BROKEN
"Shut up! No it's not!"
Zelda: it has holez in it
Impa was otherwise occupied, leaning over to the horse's ear. "Yeah, yeah, it's over there... No, not quite... Well, a little past there, to the left... Oh, I see. No, it's on the other side. Yeah..."
...Elsewhere...
Ganondorf made his way into the castle's stable, "Yes... Which one to choose?" He paced back and forth. "Perhaps this... Black one," he stopped in front of a brown horse and took out a black spray can, "Yes, this black one will do."
...Later...
A beat-up Ganondorf stands next to a half-black horse.
"BLASPHEMOUS!" Ganondorf yelled, "HORSES ARE A PAIN IN THE ASS! But it's mine now..." He unlocked the stable door.
The horse growled.
"Shut up, horse. Wait. Horses don't growl!" Ganondorf gasped and turned to the horse, which had transformed into a familiar moblin in a puff of smoke.
"INKY! What are you doing here? Why were you a HORSE? Why did you growl at me? AND WHAT'S THAT?" Ganondorf pointed at Inky's neck.
Inky hastily covered his neck, "Nothing! It's nothing!"
Ganondorf pondered. "I think it's much more than nothing... Unless it isn't something, in which case it would be nothing. But if that were true, it wouldn't be there,so it must not be nothing, therefore something must mean being nothing means..." He gasped. "I REMEMBER NOW!"
Inky took the bait, "Remember what?"
"WHERE I LEFT MY McCHICKEN SANDWICH!"
Inky nodded and walked to the door.
"NO!" Ganondorf grabbed his arm and held him against the wall, "NOT SO FAST! I can now clearly see the mark that wasn't there. I knew it! But who...?"
"It's just a bruise!" Inky protested.
Ganondorf took a lick, "Tastes like... Fish..."
"I had tuna for breakfast!" Inky became hysterical, "FOR BREAKFAST!"
"There's only one thing FISH BREATH could come from..." Ganondorf mused, kicking open the stall Inky had previously been in, "YOU'VE BEEN SEEING THE KITTY AGAIN!"
"IT MEANT NOTHING TO ME!" Inky sobbed, "She means nothing to me!"
"After all we've BEEN through, Inky!"
The cat in the corner of the stall mewed questioningly.
"I'm sorry!" Inky groveled at Ganondorf's feet, "PLEASE FORGIVE ME! How can I make it up to you?"
Ganondorf thought this over. "Well, you see... I do have a princess to catch..."
...Later...
Ganondorf and Inky came out of the stable together. "THERE!" Ganondorf pointed, "Ahead of us! On the white horse! COME ON!"
The two ran towards where Ganondorf had pointed.
"STOP!" Ganondorf cried suddenly, and the two dug their heels into the ground. "It's that KID! Link! I can't let him see me like this! Quick! Change into an evil-looking horse while he's distracted by the hot princess! I mean... Princess!"
Inky hesitated, then morphed into a black, armored horse.
"OK!" Ganondorf said, "Now go, GO! And make it dramatic!"
Inky-horse ran after Zelda and Impa's horse, "Dun dun dun, dun dun-dun dun dundundun, dun-DUUUUN..."
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Ganondorf flailed, "Horses don't HUM!"
The humming stopped.
"Good! Now, stop in front of Link so I can taunt him and make fun of his pansy skirt!"
Inky-horse stopped in front of Link, doing his very best to look really evil.
Link gasped and took a step back.
"Yes," Ganondorf laughed, "You cower before me! You fear me! YOU CAN SENSE THE WELL OF DARKNESS INSIDE ME! THE BLACKNESS THAT IS MY SOUL IS TANGIBLE TO YOU! You can see my heart is corrupted, and it frightens you! YOU HAVE FORSEEN THE FUTURE, AND HAVE SEEN THAT IT HOLDS ONLY YOUR SLOW AND PAINFUL DEMISE! AND WHEN YOU TRY TO GRASP THAT FACT... It slips through your cute little fingers like sand..."
Link scratched the back of his head, "... ..."
Ganondorf responded, irritated, "You don't fool me with those courageous words! I CAN SENSE IT DEEP WITHIN YOU! You want to die!"
"... ... .."
"Oh, well," Ganondorf wondered, "I guess I never saw it that way... NO! NO! I REFUSE TO PLAY YOU GOOD GUY MIND GAMES! I'm evil, so DEAL WITH IT!"
"... ... .. .. .. ... ... .. ... .. .. ... .. ... ... .. . ... ... ... .. . .. .. .. ..."
Ganondorf covered his ears, "I'm not listening! LA, LALAAAA!"
Link pointed at him, "... .. . .. . . ... .. ...!"
"Ha!" Ganondorf sneered, "Yeah, right! Sequels ALWAYS suck, don't you stupid pure-hearted guys get that? AHAHAAAHAAA! Mission Impossible 2 was better than Mission Impossible... HA! That's a good one!"
"... ..."
"Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Now run along, kid. I have a princess to grope and a country to destroy."
Inky-horse and Ganondorf galloped after Zelda, Ganondorf laughing as he disappeared into the distance.
Link, like any psychic protagonist, located the Ocarina Zelda didn't throw and headed off to the Temple of Time.
"Did I say grope?" Ganondorf muttered, "I meant capture..."
Chapter Two: End
Author's Note: Think of me as a starving artist... A starving artist that eats reviews.