Author's Note: Don't doubt me! I told you there would be a plot coming in soon enough, and here it is. Don't doubt me! Simply because it's a weak introduction to the story doesn't mean it's a weak story! Don't doubt me! Don't judge me! You don't know me! You're not even my real dad!
And unfortunately, there won't be an update every 3 days, as it's been for the first 5 chapters. You'll have to be a bit more patient, though it doesn't seem there's many of you demanding more anyhow.
The Countdown to Imminent Doom: Ganondorf's Story
Chapter 5
Ganondorf picked up phone (which CERTAINLY existed in Hyrule at the time) and dialed the number that had been so successfully flaunted. "Yes? Hello? Yeah, I'd like to purchase a few henchmen."
His response came from an extremely bored operator, who answered in an extremely bored voice. "Name?"
Ganondorf seized the opportunity as Micheal Jackson seizes others' genitals. "Ganondorf Dragmire, Wielder of the Triforce of Power, King of Hyrule, Sweet Sexay Thang... Lord of Darkness."
The operator was not amused. "Name?"
"Ganondorf Dragmire."
The operator seized the opportunity as a fiddler crab seizes a baby's toe. "Address?"
"Hyrule Castle, atop the giant inferno pit!"
"Please hold."
Ganondorf screamed into the receiver. "YOU CAN'T PUT ME ON HOLD! I'M THE-"
A click sounded from the other end.
THAT WHORE!" Ganondorf raged, "I am SO raping and pillaging her town tomorrow!"
Vikings everywhere murmured agreement.
"On Hold" music started playing on the phone. Ganondorf bobbed his head. "Catchy!"
A low creak was emitted behind Ganondorfas the unnecessarily large double doors on opposite end of room slowly opened.
Ganondorf spun around, dropping the phone. "Who's there? I SHALL SMITE THEE!"
A small, pink kitten poked its head through the crack. "Mew."
"A KITTY!" Ganondorf hopped up and down, clapping his hands. "I looove kitties..." He pranced over and picked it up. "I'll call him Snargles! And he'll be the bestest Snargles..." he looked around suspiciously, "...IN ALL THE LANDS!"
Snargles' tongue hung out. "Maaaw..."
Ganondorf blinked, paused, then held the cat out in front of him. "That's not a kitty noise..."
Snargles looked around nervously. "Mew?"
"YOU WERE TRYING TO SAY 'DADA,' WEREN'T YOU?" Ganondorf snuggled with the kitty, "Wut a pwetty widdle kiddy! Yes!"
Snargles scrambled free of Ganondorf's clutches, perched on his shoulder, and looked around evilly.
"Already taking after his old man! What a smart little kitty!" Ganondorf praised.
"Meh," was Snargles' reply.
"EXACTLY! Now... COME, SNARGLES! We must complete the phone call!"
Snargles put his ears back and leaned forward.
"AWAAAAAY!" Ganondorf pointed in the general direction of the phone and walked a few feet back to it.
Snargles perched normally again.
"We wouldn't want to miss out on free henchmen, now would we?" Ganondorf asked rhetorically.
Snargles looked around the room aimlessly.
"Your lack of an attention span is inspiring!" Ganondorf picked the phone back up.
The operator had apparently been waiting a long time, and was very irritated by this point. "Miiiiiiiiiiiiiisteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer Gaaaaaaaaaaanoooooooooooooondoooooo-"
"I HAVE RETURNED!" Ganondorf thought a moment, "And with a new accomplice, WHO WILL ENSURE THAT YOU AND YOUR MOTHER DIE SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY!"
"Maaaaw..." Snargles commented.
Ganondorf's eyes shifted to Snargles nervously, then back ahead. "I need at least 8 dozen henchmen! And when I say dozen, I mean million."
"I see," came the response, "So that's 8 million dozen henchmen delivered to a Mister Gandalf Drameyre at Guyrool Castle?"
"Ganondorf Dragmire. Hyrule Castle. And I only need 8 million... Ish. Maybe 9 million."
"Right, right..."
"So how much are we talking about here?" Ganondorf asked.
"Probably arooouuund..." the sound of calculator being used in the background rang through the receiver, "500 bagazillion rupees."
Ganondorf counted on his fingers. "How many zeroes is that?"
"Somewhere around 60 million."
Snargles hissed.
"EXACTLY! I demand... I demand..." Ganondorf demanded.
"Meh," came from Snargles.
"YES! I DEMAND A DISCOUNT! At least 20 percent!" said Ganondorf, proudly.
"Sorry, no can do."
"I'm the singlemost powerful man in Hyrule! YOU DARE DEFY ME, WHORE LADY?"
"We'll be expecting cash or check when the deliveries arrive."
Ganondorf feigned victory. "Yes! OK! But-"
Another click on the phone.
"SHE HUNG UP ON ME!" Ganondorf gasped in amazement.
"...Maaaw..."
"STOP THAT!" Ganondorf cried, "It's creepy!"
Snargles stared straight ahead. "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwww..."
"AUGH!" Ganondorf convulsed.
Snargles grinned a small kitty grin.
Ganondorf pat Snargles' head, "You're such a creepy little kitty! How cute! Now, we... Well, actually, I suppose I should head to the library and find out how this 'Ruling of the World' stuff works..."
"Meh."
"YOU'RE RIGHT! Libraries are for pansies! So, let's go sit outside and wait for my henchmen!"
Snargles sneezed.
Ganondorf jerked, "YOU'RE NOT SICK, ARE YOU? We can't have that! We should get you some medicine!"
Snargles sneezed with the passion of one thousand balloons.
"NOOOOOO! DON'T DIE, KITTY!"
Snargles paused.
Then sneezed.
"We definitely have to get you some immediate medical attention!" Ganondorf ran outside, "Quick! Where does one find medicine for kitties?"
"...Maaaw..."
"The Maw? That's not even in Hyrule... We'll try the Potion Shop!"
Ganondorf ran extremely quickly all the way to the Potions Shop (time or distanceare of no meaning to Evil Dictators), and ran straight in. "MY KITTY IS DYING!"
Snargles sneezed for emphasis.
The Potion ShopPerson looked up from her PSP. "...Right. And?"
"I need some medicine! I WILL ACCEPT ONLY THE BEST FOR MY LITTLE SNARGLES!"
"Medicine?" the Potion ShopPerson asked, "For your cat? Well... There is one potion that'd fix her up, but-"
"Him," Ganondorf commanded.
"But look, she doesn't have-"
"IT'S A HIM! DO YOU DARE TO INVOKE MY WRATH!" Ganondorf shook a fist threateningly.
"OK. Well, uh... Like I said, there is one potion. However, it requires quite a few ingredients that I don't have right now. If you want me to whip this up for you, you'll need to go find 'em for me."
"YOU'RE ASKING ME, THE GREAT GANONDORF... TO GO ON A FETCH QUEST?" he pointed a questioning finger.
"Do you dare invoke my wrath?" the Questioning Finger asked.
"I couldn't have said it better!" Ganondorf agreed, "DO YOU DARE INVOKE MY WRATH!"
"It's just 3 items..." the Potion ShopPerson told him.
Ganondorf leaned on the counter. "Which three, now?"
"The first is something called Eau de Dead Fish, which I'm sure you can find over in Zora's Domain somewhere. The second is Left Foot de Goron! And the third..."
"...Yes?" Ganondorf pressed.
"Well, it's not really needed for the potion, but I do need one more thing."
"Which is?"
"Well, I hear the Green Groping Man arrived in Hyrule recently, and some say he's quite the sexay thang. I need a picture of him!"
"The who?"
"The Green Groping Man. Ask around, I'm sure someone can tell you where to find him."
"Why do you want this picture so much?" Ganondorf inquired, dusting some lint off a very still Snargles.
"Alas!" the Potion ShopPerson sighed, "The Fortune Teller has given me my fortune..."
"...And?"
Snargles began to snore quietly.
The Potion ShopPerson got teary-eyed. "She said... That I would fall in love with The One..."
"...What?"
"I mean... The Green Groping Man!"
"I see," Ganondorf wrote a note on his hand, "find Green Groping Man; kill him; sweep hot Potion ShopPerson-Lady off her feet and woo her."
Snargles sneezed again, likely for attention.
Ganondorf jumped. "IEEEEE!"
"Eau de Dead Fish and Left Foot de Goron! Quickly!" the Potion ShopPerson pointed to the door, "DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN!"
"OF COURSE!" Ganondorf leapt out the door.
"Meeee-oooow!" Snargles screamed.
"Feeling better?" Ganondorf asked him.
Snargles thought about this for a moment, sneezed, and started oozing from the nose.
"IT'S GETTING WORSE!" Ganondorf ran off to the Death Mountain path, "SNARGLES MUST NOT BE TAKEN!"
Chapter 5: End