Author's Note: So there was an abnormally long pause between chapters. Think of it as a suspense mechanism, build right in to your fanfiction! You don't even need to create it yourself - it's right there waiting for you!
And besides, school takes priority over you review-stingy stingers.
Answer: two seconds, give or take.
Question: How much
longer is this note going to take?
The Countdown to Imminent Doom: Ganondorf's Story
Chapter Six
When we last departed, our hero was making his way up the base of Death Mountain in hopes of finding a foot lying around that he might use to help cure his beloved Snargles of his LIFE-THREATENING, SPLEEN-DAMAGING, MIGRANE-AND-SNEEZE-INDUCING ÜBER DISEASE. Naturally, he hasn't gotten very far...
Ganondorf sat on a rock, deliberating on the situation that had arisen. He knew this was not be an easy circumstance to circumcise, but he tried anyway. The situation, however, was rather fond of its skin and refused. Inevitably, Ganondorf was forced to return to the situation at hand.
Having no means of long-distance communications with Hand, though, Ganondorf settled with the last option. This option involved a mountain, a rock, and an odd, jumping spider creature.
Ganondorf's return to the Creature Option took no more than a few seconds. "So," he annunciated slowly, "you're telling me there's really only one path up this mountain?"
The Hop-Spider responded in what seemed to be an interpretive dance of sorts. Somewhere, in an uncharted country, it began to rain.
"Tektike, hee-ho," Snargles sang.
Ganondorf interrupted. "He doesn't need any singsong distractions, my beauty, he is very busy already. Look, I think when he bares his fangs and leaps at me it means 'yes.'" He turned to the Hop-Spider, "But why is it you hassle anyone who wishes to climb the mountain, hm?"
The Hop-Spider danced something that vaguely resembled a Moonwalk.
"Is it REALLY so much to ask," Ganondorf pressed, "that you simply allow me past? THE MOUNTAIN IS FREE. And I only want the best for MY WIDDLE KITTY!" He clutched Snargles and pressed him to his face, but the Hop-Spider wasn't impressed.
Instead, it took another failed leap towards Ganondorf's lofty rocktop.
"When I come down from this rock, I expect you to be FRIENDLY and WELCOMING. Not annoying and bloodthirsty! Got it?" Ganondorf pointed, "I don't want any more trouble from you, you... You... Thing..."
Snargles sang another verse: "See-wah, Tektike!"
Unbeknownst to either of them, the Hop-Spider took great offense to this comment. In the days of Hop-Spider lore, there was once a great king named See-Wah. Not only did he rule the Hop-Spiders with grace and command, he also held great status in neighboring populations, including the Tektikes.
It is said that See-Wah made a grave mistake on the 1000th day of his rule, however. After he lost a limb in the Great Battle of Dodongo Cavern, See-Wah became embittered and seemingly lost his sanity. He declared war on the Tektikes and drove the grand nation of Hop-Spider to near extinction. When the great See-Wah was finally murdered in his sleep by his own second cousin, the remaining Hop-Spiders were assimilated into the Tektike's population.
It is indeed a sore subject among the few remaining pure-blooded Hop-Spiders.
This particular Hop-Spider tormenting Ganondorf was actually not a Hop-Spider at all, but a Tektike, and had never heard of any fool named See-Wah. He was rather hungry, though. He took another lunge at the tasty flesh.
"Dammit, you!" Ganondorf shrilled, "I GAVE YOU A FAIR WARNING!" He grabbed Snargles by the stomach, and pulled his tail, causing Snargles' forearms to rotate at speeds faster than the human eye can detect.
The Tektike lasted approximately 0.0042 seconds against the grandiose powers of ChainSaw Snargles.
"Excellent," Ganondorf said, and replaced a now-still Snargles back upon his shoulder. "Now, unless I want to run into more of those, I'll have to take this operation to a whole 'nother level!"
Snargles didn't like the sound of that. "...Maw..."
Ganondorf's reply: "Not quite! But close." He pulled out a few suction cups and waved them around, "We shall SCALE THE MOUNTAIN!"
Dramatic Echo: (Mountain, mountain, mountain...)
"Perfect!" Ganondorf agreed with himself.
Snargles took this opportunity to spring from Ganondorf's shoulder. He clung to the vertical mountainside in what was most assuredly not an escape attempt.
Ganondorf thought a moment. "You may be a versatile kitty, but I am neither versatile, NOR a kitty. So..." He sat down, contemplating. "I'll have to read the instruction manual on these things... AHA! It says here: 'Step 1: Hold suction cup.' OK. 'Step 2: Place suction-y part of suction-cup to desired suction-wall.' ...Er... 'Step 3: Repeat as necessary.'"
"...Pfkkkkkkt..." came from Snargles.
Ganondorf looked up from manual. "I thought we had an agreement! You don't make unnatural and unnerving sounds, and I let you perch upon my shoulder! IF YOU DON'T STOP BEING CREEPY, I'M NOT LETTING YOU PERCH, DAMN IT!"
Snargles marched around on the wall, "Pfffffffffffkrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnt... Beeeoooooooooop bzt bzt bzzzzzt rrrrrrrrrrt... Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk... Clik clik clik!"
"STOP IT!" Ganondorf threw a suction cup at Snargles.
The flung suction cup completely covered Snargles and stuck to the wall, just as any good cup would.
Snargles mewed from beneath suction cup questioningly before trying to continue marching along the wall. His efforts ended in his successfully moving the suction cup along with him.
"Brilliant!" Ganondorf leapt upon the vertically-stuck suction cup, "CLIMB, SNARGLES! UPWARD!"
"Quooooooooop..."
"No, I can't poke an air hole in it! That would release the suction! Just hurry and you'll make it to the top in no time!"
The suction cup (now supporting an anxious-looking Ganondorf) slowly made its way up the side of the mountain. A few Hop-Spiders watched and clicked at each other before deciding it wasn't their job to foil his plans.
"Finally," Ganondorf stepped onto the top of the mountain path, "We've made it to the top!" He released Snargles from his suctioned imprisonment and gasped. "OMIGOD! MY BEAUTIFUL PINK KITTY IS NOW... BLUE!"
Snargles sucked in oxygen as quickly as possible while Ganondorf continued. "Oh... No... Just in the face. BUT I CAN'T HAVE A DISCOLORED KITTY WITH ME IN PUBLIC! It would be a sign of weakness." He glanced around suspiciously.
Snargles sneezed in between wheezes and coughing fits.
"Noooo! That's what it is!" Ganondorf panicked, "It's that horrible disease finally catching up with you! SNARGLES, I WON'T LET YOU DOWN!" He picked Snargles up. "I won't let it claim you!"
Snargles became slightly motion sick as Ganondorf bounded off towards Goron Village, and slowly climbed upon his shoulder to regain balance. Unfortunately, Ganondorf's balance was thrown off when he bumped into a large Goron in front of the village entrance.
"You DARE defile the King of Evil with your touch?" Ganondorf shook his first threateningly.
The Goron was taken off-guard. "But I was just standing here... Hey, wait. Don't I know you?"
"The King of Evil does not converse with lowly commoners such as yourself."
The Goron continued advancing a step, "aren't you the guy who plugged up the Dodongo's cavern a couple weeks back?"
"Uh... No," Ganondorf answered cautiously. Snargles sank low and made himself as small as possible.
"Oh!" the Goron replied, "Well in that case, please take this item!"
Ganondorf held a watch above his head and a fanfare echoed throughout the mountain. Then a little box popped up:
"You got the Countdown to Imminent Doom Watch! This handy watch tells you exactly how much time remains before Link, the Hero of Time, awakens again!"
Ganondorf leaned over to the Goron. "Uh... How does this thing know who Link is?"
The Goron answered in a mysterious voice that could be heard only by the dead... And Ganondorf. "This is no ORDINARY watch... This watch tells you exactly how long you have until someone lays the SMACKDOWN ON YOU!"
"Exactly?" Ganondorf peeped.
"Well, assuming the person was right in front of you at the time. If you were to, say, build a giant castle and set traps all around it, fill it with an aggravating amount of enemies, and create a magical force field around the central spire, then it might take the person who's gonna lay the SMACKDOWN ON YOU a little bit longer... Or, so I've heard."
Ganondorf was busy taking notes. "Right, right."
"But even if someone were to do such a silly thing, they certainly wouldn't want to put a Fairy Fountain right in the middle of their goddamn castle, 'cuz that wouldn't make any sense..."
Ganondorf was distracted. "Yeah. So, where might a normal consumer like myself be able to obtain a Goron foot?
"A what, now?"
"A foot. You know, like, if I were to take a small Goron child, hang it upside-down, and chop its foot off at the ankle, I would have a Goron foot. Where can I get one of those?"
"Well," the Goron replied, "we already donated all the small children to... Hey, wait a second. What kind of sick question is THAT?"
Ganondorf shuffled nervously and played with his hair. "I need it for a... Science project..."
Snargles looked around suspiciously and jumped down from Ganondorf's shoulder to his feet.
"I see." The Goron turned around and spoke softly into a walkie-talkie. Muffled voices replied. "Right. Well, you see, we keep those right over-"
Ganondorf was knocked out from behind before he learned the secret of the Foot Clan.
Later...
Ganondorf woke up in a holding cell far, far below ground. "Damn it..." He wandered three feet over to the enclosing bars and looked around. "There's a whole hallway of cells…"
He looked into the cell across from his own. "HEY! That one has FOOD, and this one doesn't! AND THERE'S NO ONE IN THAT CELL!" He strains to try and reach across to grab it, but collapsed with a giant sigh as he accepted bitter defeat. The hallway mocked him.
A creaky old voice cackled out from down the hall. "Keekeekee... Don't bother. They put it there on purpose! To entice you... To aaaaaanger you..."
Ganondorf struck an intimidating pose, impressing nobody but himself. "And who might YOU be?" he called out valiantly.
A new voice responded. "I'm looking for some monkeys... Twelve of them."
The first voice countered harshly: "Quiet down there!"
"They're building an army!"
"Don't make me call the warden!"
"FIVE BILLION PEOPLE WILL DIE!" the second voice screamed in terror. "And... The army! THEY'RE BUILDING AN ARMY! Five billion people will die! Let's go free all the animals from the zoo..."
There was a faint sound of footsteps, a rather loud shotgun blast, and another hint of receding footsteps. Ganondorf slid away from the edge of the cell towards the safety of the shadows.
A disgruntled Goron's voice interrupted the silence, but the mumbling was unclear. Something about oranges. The footsteps faded away.
Ganondorf paused for a long while. Then he coughed, froze up in anticipation of footsteps, and paused for another long while. "Wait. Snargles? Where are you, Snargles? WHERE ARE YOU!" he looked around frantically.
Snargles sat patiently outside the cell with a tube of lube in mouth. "Mew?"
"Ah," Ganondorf reached for the tube, "Good kitty! You went all the way back to my room just to get this? Such a SMART kitty!"
For the sake of younger viewers, the following few minutes will only be available on the Unrated DVD Special Edition.
Ganondorf stood triumphantly and slipperyly outside his cell. The scent of victory lube permeated the area and the potted flowers in the corner drooped, disheartened. Nobody in a prison loves potted flowers, and it had no reason to live. With no family or friends, the flowers decided the painless drop to the floor would end the pain and misery. If only somebody would have listened! The potted flowers only needed someone to talk to, but nobody was listening.
"Good kitty. Never would've made it through those thin iron bars without a little bit of help."
Snargles perched on Ganondorf's shoulder. "...Kkkkkkt..."
Ganondorf had grown fond of pausing during his time in prison, and took this opportunity to take a good pause. "...OK, fine, you get one freebie. But that's only because I'm not in that cell anymore."
Snargles looked around innocently. "Maw."
"Yes, they've got sentries all over... I can SMELL them..." Ganondorf's eyes darted back and forth. "From here out, this mission shall be known as Mission: Glass Yarn. Objective: to retrieve that foot and get the hell out of here."
"Maawwaaaaaw."
"Yes, I KNOW it doesn't make sense, but that's the point. It's SUPPOSED to sound like code."
"Yip?"
"No, you can't play with this yarn. It's made of glass!"
Snargles drooped.
Ganondorf picked up Snargles, tied a piece of dental floss to his tail, and set him down "You can be the sentinel. You, being a petite and kawaii widdle kitty, will be able to scout ahead and penetrate their defenses completely undetected!
Snargles, while still getting over the disappointment of the string, appeared rather irritated at having something tied to him.
"I know it's uncomfortable, but we can't have you dying. Speaking of which, you don't seem to be dying as of late."
Snargles paused, thought a moment, and faked a sneeze.
Ganondorf half-sobbed. "I thought we'd cured you! My little fuzzy…"
Snargles sat down slowly.
"No, Snargles! We must keep moving! We must not be caught! Plus, down here there's no sunlight... There's no telling how long we've been down here!"
"Ree... Skree-maw."
Ganondorf twitched. "Yes, yes, you're right," he pulled out the Countdown to Imminent Doom Watch. "It says here we have... Er..." He fliped watch upside-down, "I think... Um…"
He brought the watch down to Snargles' eye level. "Is that a 9 or an 8?"
Snargles sneezed on queue.
"Oh dear. It looks like a 9. He stood up again, "Only 6 years, 321 days, 3 hours, 19 minutes, and about 30 seconds." He thought about this for 6 moments. "I've been in here a half year, haven't I?"
Snargles looked around nervously and became distracted by a nonexistent bug on the other side of the room.
"You left me here for HALF A YEAR?" Ganondorf wiped away a single tear.
Snargles avoided eye contact, drawing circles in dirt with a claw. "Mio..."
"Oh," Ganondorf relaxed. "I thought you'd just left me. Good to know there was a reason."
Snargles stood and wandered around the corner, supposedly leading the way to the surface.
"Remember to be stealthy!" Ganondorf whispered after him.
Chapter six: end.
Author's Note: That was a long chapter, it was! Almost makes up for the forever-long pause between chapter uploads!