Author's Note: I may not have many fans, and I may not get many reviews (usually less on each chapter than the number of people with me on their Author Alert list… Curse ye!), but I stand strong nonetheless. Or, perhaps closer to "I stand much like a giant cardboard cutout: large and cardboardy, yet easily thrown into ye olde furnace." Or something.
I'm not very good with analogies.
I've noticed, personally, that this fanfic is taking a turn for the
who-knows-what in terms of genre. While the earlier chapters were
obviously constructed for humor, these later chapters are not so
obvious. I hope by this point you've grown attached enough to the story
to continue. ;) But don't worry, this won't become a drama
or anything like that. You just have to be patient.
Anyhow, I've managed to scrounge up this chapter for you, my precious readers, because you mean so very much to me. In fact, you mean much more to me when you leave feedback in the form of "reviews." Now, this "feedback" may seem like a long and complicated path to the dark side, but it's actually rather nice. Filled with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket weavers who twiddle their thumbs and toes.
Well, I hope you enjoy the chapter. And if not, you can always leave (…wait for it…) "feedback" anyway. Everyone needs a good flame now and then. I taunt you! Har, har.
The Countdown to Imminent Doom: Ganondorf's Story
Chapter 7
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to walk in the shoes of a little green man? Have you ever wanted to simply throw off the reigns of reality and share your misadventures with others in a nice, clean, paragraph format?
Don't be ashamed, we all have at one point. Or several. Or perhaps all the time. Perhaps...
Well, you should've entered the damn contest, 'cuz you sure as hell didn't win. Our lucky winner, wonderfully enough, was already bestowed with the shoes of a green man, so we didn't have to give him any. Also, he doesn't exist, so the reigns of reality mean nothing to him. Isn't that just peachy? Apparently he has a step-cousin (who goes by the name "Grego") named Grego (but everyone calls him "Grego") who was in the adult photography business, as well, and he just loves the paragraph format.
So we didn't have to give him a damn thing. We spent the prize money on porn.
No, no you can't have it. I'm using it right now. No, seriously, I'm busy. Hey, I'm on the air right now. Get outta here, before you screw up the equipment. Hey, what the hell? Are you listening? Who are you---
...When we last departed, our hero was busting himself out of what appears a Goron dungeon after being held for half year. Using his multitalented kitty as a scouting drone, he began making his way upwards towards the light...
Ganondorf tugged impatiently on the string. "So. See anything? Is it free? Is it clean? Does it shine with the passion of a thousand suns?"
There was no response.
Ganondof took this personally, indeed. In fact, his forefathers prided themselves on never being ignored. Ganondorf's forefathers scolded him and called him a little bastard child – which, contrary to the shock and appall of the reader, was true – and threatened to kick him. With boots.
But Ganondorf was a persistent little bastard. "Do you taunt me? Do you want me to be stuck here forever? Does your small, kitty-sized brain allow you to betray your master? Do you comprehend the way the realization of deceit can grasp the heart and ensure the lack of compassion for ones entire, shortened lifetime? Or do you only know the truth of food, water, sleep, and chasing fuzzy things? DO YOU KNOW THE PAIN OF---"
Snargles yipped and pulled on the string.
"I knew you'd come back for me!" Ganondorf clutched his heart and calmed the worms eating away at his life force. "But make sure you don't alert the guards!"
By that time, Snargles was a good 40 yards ahead of Ganondorf, around 3 corners, up a flight a stairs, across a few gorges, and had successfully navigated an ostrich over the treacherous plains of Tenochtitlan before returning to struggle and strain to pull free of the string attached to his body. The green man cooing at him was of little concern to a beast with such massive potential.
Ganondorf interpreted the string's convulsions as confirmation. "Excellent. My sentry makes sure he does not omit the possibility that a guard could be patrolling in this direction! But does he know not to make the mistake of creating the noise of a muskrat? Gorons hate muskrats..." He looked around anxiously.
Snargles, after careful planning and deliberation, had decided he was no match for the string in a one-on-one bout. More drastic measures were needed, she knew, and he took two careful steps to the aft before rolling around and attacking the string in any manner possible. "Squee! SQUEE!"
Ganondorf twitched nervously. "No! He shall endanger himself and the mission!" He quickly stood and donned a long black cloak.
At the same moment, a Goron guard walked around the corner rather casually. It didn't take long to spot Ganondorf crouching in the middle of the hallway. There was a dramatic pause.
Ganondorf recognized this pause as the universal sign for a flux in the space-time continuum. While the guard was caught up in his stupor and the audience had a few moments to stifle their gasps and eeks, Ganondorf crept into a corner and tried to make himself invisible.
What Ganondorf didn't know was that the Hyrulian space time continuum was a huge load in the first place, this rendering his theory about dramatic pauses as shit. He was just lucky enough to stumble upon a really, really slow Goron (though his brother had been a track star).
"Hmmm," the guard scratched his head, "thought I saw somethin.' ...Maybe it was nothin.'" He walked around the corner and out of sight.
Ganondorf waited for the dramatic pause before pulling out his huge sword out of his pants and creeping along after the guard.
The guard wandered along slowly, whistling.
Despite Ganondorf's black cloak of +5 dexterity, a rock is a rock is a rock, and sometimes they get in the way. He, along with his foot of -8 luckiness, went face-first into the ground after a footXrock encounter.
In short, he tripped.
"Ow! Damn it! My nose!"
"What?" the guard turned around, not seeing Ganondorf sprawled on the ground in plain sight. "Hmmm... Must'a been rats..." He turned again and continued on his way.
Ganondorf daintily picked himself up and continued on his Evil Sneaking Path, catching up quickly (if only because Ganondorf practiced his ESP daily).
The guard stopped walking for no apparent reason, much like a horse at an intersection – Link can testify to this, and was displeased with his insurance agency after finding out he wasn't covered for Fucktards Riding Horses.
Back in the dungeon, Ganondorf was caught off guard by the sudden change in Sneaking Speed and dropped a penny. The penny screamed for freedom, not knowing that he would soon be trapped in a world where a penny was worth little more than a particularly fanciful blade of grass. Oh, woeful penny!
Another guard burst around the corner, enraged. "I HEARD YA! WHERE ARE YA?" He turned to the first guard, "Where is he? I know I heard a weird noise in here..."
The first guard continued to stare straight ahead, and went on patrolling after a few moments. Ganondorf squeaked along after him.
"I'll find you." The second guard bounded down the hallway in the opposite direction, leaping around corners in hopes of looking scary and finding the noisemaker.
Ganondorf crouched a few feet behind the first guard, who now appeared to be rather happy simply standing in place. "Hmmm." He took out his sword again a swung it through the guard's ankle.
The guard, naturally, screamed bloody effing murder and fell to the ground in a heap of footlessness.
Ganondorf collected his Goron Foot and hopped into a dark corner, prepared to hide from the slightly less-than-neurotic guard that had almost caught him before.
A few minutes passed before the first guard ran out of blood and finally stopped screaming.
A few more passed before Ganondorf got bored of waiting for signs of the other guard to appear. He decided it was safe to run for his life at this moment in time.
He scrambled to his feet and scurried his way to the exit Snargles had taken. "Step one: obtain Goron Foot, check! Step two: get the hell out of here, in progress! Step three... Not in progress yet!" He followed the string back to Snargles, who had made his way to the entrance to the Goron city.
"Hark!" Snargles quipped.
"Let's not use that language here, kitty," Ganondorf threw off his cloak dramatically. "Instead, BEHOLD! As one power rises, another falls!" He held out his hands and cupped them, as if to hold the city within them. "In time, those that fall will be left behind, in order to create a superior world! Survival of the fittest; as one nation dies out, a new, stronger one is created in its rubble! In that case, the strong not seek to support the new power? Or does one fear that he, himself, will be used to forge the walls of this new power with his own flesh?"
"Mew?"
"Those people, my dear pretty, are the first to go! Fear is a weakness, something we have no room for in the world I seek to create! A world, united under one power, will fear none, for there shall be nothing to fear! As one being, the masses shall not fall. And under one power, the masses cannot rise too high as to destroy themselves. I, my kitty, plan to be that power.
Snargles perched on Ganondorf's shoulder.
"Now, dearest Snargles, let us go, and... Wait..." he held up the foot curiously, "This isn't to help me unite the world under one power... This is so I can cure YOU!" he shoved the foot in Snargles' face.
Snargles paused.
"Not sick anymore?" Ganondorf asked questioningly.
Snargles shook his head slowly.
"How cute! It's almost as if you understand me! ...But I'll take your word for it. Then, with THIS," he held up the foot, "I shall begin my conquest HERE!" He threw the foot at high speeds at the nearest Goron's head.
The Goron, despite having a wife and three kids, took the blow in the face and toppled over the railing, falling a few stories to his ultimate doom. A child screamed.
"Nrrrgggk," Snargles pointed out.
"Well, no, I hadn't thought of that. Kind of a one-shot weapon, wasn't it?"
"Pip."
"Well," Ganondorf moseyed over to an open doorway nearby, "I suppose we'll just... Leave, then... Until I find something more suitable."
Ganondorf could have benefited, as many times before, of a larger wealth of information on the people of Hyrule. He was unaware, particularly, of the laws set forth by the Great Horognath in the Obscure Era.
These laws, concerning the conduct of throwing projectiles within Goron city limits, were sacred in this day and age. It had not been two days ago that the Gorons had held a ceremony celebrating the sacredness of their sacred Horognath laws, for the Great Horognath had been far greater than a name like Horognath suggests.
The name perhaps suggests the greatness of no more than a Tektike with an uncommon interest in fine arts, or a Helmarok with an exceptionally large mask. But the Gorons knew the name as the name of a Horognath who had defeated the Evil Master of All Things Projectile, Sasuke (angst).
Somewhere, the voices of millions of Crossover Gods cried out in pain, and were suddenly silenced.
But what truly mattered to Ganondorf was that the rather large community of Gorons in the area all suddenly turned to look at him with a rather fiery look in their faces.
Ganondorf was scared. Scared to the point at which descriptions and adjectives disappear.
Snargles was smarter. Instead of throwing projectiles in hopes of escape, he instead leapt off Ganondorf's shoulder and made a successful dash for the exit.
"Flee! Flee while you can! Save yourself?" Ganondorf was slowly surrounded by a large number of Goron. "Er... OH NO LOOK A DRAGON!" he pointed in a random direction.
The Angered Goron Community all turned in shock to see the dragon, and Ganondorf threw on his black cloak quickly.
The Gorons turned back, relieved by the dragonlessness of their homes. "Hey, where'd he go?" one asked.
"Hm. Better check those pots over there," another suggested and walked over to do so.
Ganondorf pressed himself up against the wall.
Another Goron examined well-lit, visible corners of the room. "Where'd he run off to?"
Ganondorf sidled along towards the exit.
"HEY! THERE HE IS!" one observant Goron pointed Ganondorf out.
Ganondorf froze.
"YOU JUST WAIT, TAFFER!" The Goron ran towards Ganondorf, who flinched and prepared for impact.
"What! I though I saw him around here somewhere," the Goron said, stopping a few inches before Ganondorf. He started looking around in other directions.
Ganondorf saw his opening and made a mad dash for the exit, jumping over the gate and falling (all the way) down the mountainside to the path below. He took a few hours to count his bones to make sure none had been lost on the way down, and took a few shaky steps into Kakariko Village.
"Snargles is a smart kitty," he told himself, "He'll find his way home eventually. But let's see," he took out a notepad. "Gorons... Hate... Dragons... Got it." He put away his notepad. "Now, where does one begin when conquering the world?"
A "barren-sounding" wind blew by, and the camera reveals there appears to be no life in Kakariko.
Ganondorf ignored this. "To conquer the world," he mused, "one must conquer half the world! To conquer half the world, one must conquer half of that! To conquer half of that, one must conquer one-eighth of the world! ...And so on, and so forth... Therefore, to conquer the world, I must conquer THIS VILLAGE!" he stamped on the ground.
"And this is where I shall start! And with only---" he checked his watch, "---6 years and 136 days... Did I read that wrong last time? ...6 years and 136 days left, I must make haste! ONWARD!" He pointed and marched towards a lovely Nowhere in Particular, taking no notice of the strange happenings on the other side of town.
Chapter Seven: End
Countdown to Imminent Doom: 6 years, 136 days, 2 hours, 56 minutes, and 9 seconds