Author's Note: I think it's quite obvious by now none of you love me. If you loved me, you'd leave reviews and tell me your OPINION. Alas, many of you can't be troubled by this. Simply because I slave away in while constantly being whipped in the back by my overbearing, ever-watchful slave driver, doesn't mean I don't have FEELINGS!
In other news, I completely lost track of where that sentence was going after my usual whining about reviews. But I do have feelings. Honestly.

I suppose that because I (vaguely) threatened you, you should know now that this story is indeed taking a different direction. No longer are the days of homoerotic jokes between Ganondorf and Inky. Instead, scenes of this derogatory nature shall be replaced with puppets reenacting the discovery of Poland by the French (a little known fact that the French discovered it, and then immediately surrendered the territory to a particularly fierce-looking bird).

Though in all honesty, it is taking a different direction. Humor is a subtle sport, and I'm becoming much more seasoned. I think. I may also note that there will be a transfer of some of the humor into the occasional "story." True believers will defend that I do indeed have capacity for something more than overused jokes and clichés. So lemme know whether or not you're a TRUE BELIEVER.

P.S. Go Class of '05!

The Countdown to Imminent Doom: Ganondorf's Story
Chapter 8
We last left off as our friend journeyed into the vague area of Kakariko Village. We again venture in now for another look, where the countdown now reads but a few minutes later...

"Pongiooooo..."

Ganondorf overlooked Kakariko from the rooftops. "It is a brisk day, indeed, Snargles. So very brisk it could be construed as ominous. But, construitively, this very construation could be construed as a shanty form of mind control. The only way this is possible, my kitty, is if we were being watched by aliens at this very moment."

"Hurrrrrr..."

"Indeed, it is not possible. Therefore, because there are no aliens, there is no mind control, and it is not a brisk day."

"Pongiaaaaa..."

"The day is instead what you want it to be. Perceiving is believing, my beloved fuzzy. And I perceive this day to be a day of CONQUEST!"

"CHING1!21!"

Ganondorf looked over. "There shall be NO vanity involved, Dearest, for there is no time. Instead, there is only time for SUBJUGATION. The denial of basic human rights to these people of Kakariko as I invade it may indeed stir up a group that will oppose us... BUT UNDER THE IRON FIST OF DEMOCRACY-I-MEAN-EVIL, THEY SHALL FALL. And then..."

"Mawww..."

"Yes, then, they will have elections. And they will elect me... OR BE SMITED!" He threw his arms up dramatically.

Snargles waited patiently.

"DAMN IT! I can never get it to work when I REALLY need it!"

The lightning and thunder effects kicked in a few moments later.

Ganondorf raised a fist at the sky. "DAMN YOU, SKY! Why do you mock me?" He turned around, "Allow us to pause, Snargles, so the audience knows we are changing topics.

A pause emanated from the wet dungeon walls...

"There is a problem, however. Tell me, my fine cohort, how many inhabitants of this fine village do your sharp eyes see?"

Snargles gazed into the distance. "Ding hock nein yow rill shrill gill fuck poko riff das nicht."

"What? Where?"

Snargles took out a compass, studied it carefully for a moment, and scratched a rather elaborate map into the rooftop.

"That seems to be a very large group of people. A very large distance away from us."

Snargles nudged the compass off the side. "Zwing!"

"An interesting opportunity," Ganondorf mused, "QUICKLY, we speedily make haste to hurry our ways ACROSS this distance rapidly!

"Snrk."

"If YOU'RE allowed to use a compass, I'M allowed to use a thesaurus. But FIRST WE FOCUS on the PROBLEM AT hand. Like MY random outbursts of EMPHASIS!"

A gong sounded somewhere to the west and a chorus sang a short little song: "Withdraw emphasis!"

"I am refreshed. But again we have a new problem at hand, my ferocious feline. This distance," he motioned to make sure everyone was looking in the right direction, "between me and my victims is far too grand. A solution is required to solve this."

"Chuck chuck chuck!"

"There are far too many flaws in that plan. For instance, according to Newton's seventh law, our trajectory, speed, momentum, and... and... And mass would, um... Make it not work."

"Chick chuck chuck!"

"An interesting proposition indeed. But complications lie within! Such as, how would he manage to meet us up on this roof? It is fairly high above ground level. And what about his feelings? Would he not be again haunted by the visions of---"

A Frenchman wandered into a very cold area. "LOOK, IT IZ POLAND!"

Snargles interrupted. "Trik mawww..."

"Yes... Yes, I understand." Ganondorf sat, pulled out a knife, and began carving a message:

I SUMMON THEE, O SUMMONED ONE, TO MY SIDE.

He stood. "It has been done."

Then suddenly Inky appeared FROM THIN AIR GASP ZOMG11

Ganondorf bubbled. "Inky, I am so very sorry! I never meant to hurt you! Nevertheless, the price was higher than I had realized! I was to live alone, ready to make the sacrifice!"

Inky held up a hand. "Wait..."

"Was I in love with you?" Ganondorf continued.

"I have something to tell you," Inky said solemnly.

"What might that be?"

"Please, sit. I shall weave this tale for you, and you'll likely grow bored halfway through."

Ganondorf got comfortable. "The best way to fill space in a story!"

Inky nodded. "Truly...

It was THE DAWN OF THE FIRST DAY that I realized I was no longer happy. Though now free from your dreadful reigns of sadistic power, I recognized the feelings of lonesomeness. The last thing I wanted to do was to return, as those people on shows like Maury and Dr. Phil have shown me that I never want to be as helplessly moronic as they had been. Instead, I come upon the notion that I must find a purpose in life. Something much more than the mindless wandering of the Field, deserts, and plains I had been doing. Something I would be able to look back on and tell myself that it changed my life."

Ganondorf gasped. "Did you get married?"

Inky jumped. "SILENCE!"

I realized that without this sudden change in my life, there would be no change in my life. Changes are what create change, Ganny, and change is what I sook. Seeked. Sought. Yes... Sought.

IT WAS THE DAWN OF THE SECOND DAY that I was taken aback by the harsh reigns of reality and reminded that I was no more than a lowly---"

"I LOVE POLAND!" said the happy Frenchman.

"...and it saddened me. I began to..."

Inky's prophecy ran true as Ganondorf began stroking Snargles "Oooh, kitty kitty, oooh-oooh!"

"...plot against the maker. The very one who created the notion in my head that I could be anything I wanted to be was to be the martyr that began my climb to the top of my new chosen profession. It was the dawn of the third day that I decided..."

"Ooh, oooh, kikky-koo! Que bonito, wittle gatito, I shall call thee Pequito!"

"...you must die."

Ganondorf stopped a moment. "I'm sorry?"

Inky stepped forward. "As you can see, my narration has revealed a slightly dull, yet nonetheless supposedly dramatic twist in the plot, and you must therefore suddenly call forth a strange character trait which has never been hinted at, yet will henceforth likely be the trait by which you are recognized and/or designed around."

Ganondorf continued, "I'm sorry, Snargles! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! I would NEVER call you by a Spanish name! How was I supposed to know they killed your family?"

Inky reached to his side. "I am slowly and theatrically pulling out a weapon now. I will prepare to assault you with it. DON'T BE PREPARED!"

Ganondorf teared up. "If only I had KNOWN, my friend! IT WAS NOT MY INTENTION TO BRING ABOUT SUCH MEMORIES OF YOUR LOVED ONES!"

Snargles stalked off in a huff and disappeared around a corner.

Ganondorf quickly turned to Inky and grabbed his shoulders. "It is up to us now, my friend. For although the kitty may seem small, it harbors such incredible force, it could destroy the entire world. We must go forth and console the tiny pink doom-bringer."

Now it was Inky's turn to tear. "You care so very much for your friends! It warms my previously evil heart to know that such people exist! I shall throw aside my horrid ways and join you on your quest!"

Inky has joined the party!

Ganondorf stomped. "YOU CANNOT JOIN THE PARTY UNLESS YOU KNOW THE SECRET HANDSHAKE. It is all as it is written in The Book."

Inky has been forcefully rejected from the party!

"We follow strict guidelines on our quest to conquer these lands, Inky, AND YOUR NON-BOOK WAYS SHALL NOT THWART US."

Inky stuttered. "But... But I just went through two personal revelations in a row! Doesn't that give me some merit? I should get to join the party!"

Ganondorf whipped out The Book from a really deep pocket. "Ye must have an express invitation from all pre-existing members of The Party or have knowledge of the Secret Handshake of the Party that is passed down from Party member to Party member as seen fit."

"How can I know the handshake if I am not accepted to the Party?"

"YOU FOOL!" Ganondorf exploded, "DO NOT QUESTION THE BOOK! Or The Book will have its way with thee," he waved it threateningly.

"Then how can I get permission to join if---"

"EXPRESS invitation, AS IT IS WRITTEN."

"---if the other Party member is absent?"

Ganondorf blinked and a laugh track rolled discreetly. "Let us consult The Book... Eh. AS IT IS WRITTEN, The Book mandates... mandates... Say, can I borrow a pen?"

"I... don't have one..."

"A pencil, then?"

Inky shook his head apologetically. "No..."

"A quill, perhaps?"

"Why... Yes. Yes I do."

"Excellent." Ganondorf took it and scribbled The Book.

Inky leaned over. "Are you allowed to deface such precious---"

Ganondorf didn't look up. "OF COURSE I AM, BECAUSE THE 'CREATION OF RULES' JOKE IS MANDATORY..." scribble scribble, "...AS IT IS WRITTEN."

"If only the exchange between the two of us were more involving, I could suddenly edge closer to you and make a grab for the book..."

Ganondorf caught him. "The Book."

"...and all would be well. As it is written."

"IT IS NOT."

"Is TOO."

"NOT."

"TOO."

Ganondorf hissed. "I have no time for this. Recovery of lost Party members is vital to the existence of The Cult, AS IT IS WRITTEN. And you are a hindrance. Be góné! And may you forever hold your tongue in its FOREVER CAGE."

"What are you---"

"AS IT IS WRITTEN!" Ganondorf put The Book away. "Now, let's go."

"But you just told me I---"

"Ssshhh! The Book will hear you! Under its Watch, all that oppose are smited."

"Why was I not smited? Does it... Love me?"

"As it is written, you horrid beast," Ganondorf began walking alongside Inky, "As it is written."

A sneeze is echoed forth from somewhere offscreen.

Ganondorf perked up. "Our calling!" he charged forward.

Inky followed, "If only tonight was a quarter moon!"

Ganondorf stopped dead in his tracks. "Why? DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING OF THE ENEMY'S MOVEMENT?"

"I was only implying we could have a picnic!"

"But not if we have no basket, Inky. As you can see, there are little food, drinks, or picnic baskets around here."

"Which is why we would need the half moon!"

"Why does the moon suddenly grow a quarter?" Ganondorf accused.

"He thought it would look stylish!"

"Facial hair was never very popular with men 'round these here parts."

"Which explains the monopoly on razors and knives," Inky explained.

"Indeed. For without these tools, we would be hairy indeed, guaranteeing no popularity, no picnics, and no moon."

"Disastrous indeed."

"Indeed," Ganondorf indeeded.

"Yes. Without the moon, we would not be able to see at night."

"And that would cause problems with those who work late. Thus, it would THROW the economy into a deep plunge from which is would never be able to recover. With only half the hours in the day, there is much less time to be productive."

"I see..."

"And thus, a depression unlike any other. We need those knives..."

"A necessity!" Inky agreed.

"Come, cohort, let us go and buy some knives."

"I have never known you to be drawn down to the level of peasants. This 'buying' or 'purchasing' you speak of."

"Do you not understand the delicate nature of our situation? Without knives, the economy will plunge, and without the economy, there will be nothing to rule over when I destroy the entire world!"

"A far-reaching plan."

Ganondorf looked ahead. "Destiny. Now. We were doing something?"

"A rescue mission!"

"Denial will get you nowhere," Ganondorf scolded. "Come; let us approach the crowd in that direction. My hopes of quickly traversing the distance have been shattered, but one bump in the road is not enough to make me swerve and hit a mailbox."

"You speak so cryptically, I do not understand. It must be very profound."

"Fear not, little fiend, for in time you will come to understand. Come!" They marched off in the direction of the crowd.

"But wait!" Inky wondered. "What of your second party member? Were we not required to locate him and retrieve him?"

"I see two people here. I know of what you speak."

"The kitty! The little pink fuzzy?"

Ganondorf sighed. "I understand my superior nature is awe-inspiring, Inky, but you must not lose yourself in my sea of knowledge. Spouting nonsense will get you nowhere fast."

"I--- well, alright."

"FOCUS, CUR! YOUR SURVIVAL IS VITAL TO THE SUCCESS OF THE MISSION."

Inky became defensive upon being assaulted on the eastern front. "I SHALL STRIKE THEE DOWN!"

"Excellent," Ganondorf hurried his pace towards the mass of people, "We must arrive before they disperse."

"...Does the word 'allocate' mean anything to you?"

" No, why?"

"It is the very foundation upon which I was born and raised," Inky clarified.

"It is obvious you will have many choices to make in your lifetime."

"Huh?"

"All in good time."

Inky grabbed his sleeve, "WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME SO?"

Ganondorf stopped and pivoted to face Inky. "WHY DO WOODCHUCKS CHUCK? Why do flies fly? Why is it that underwater creatures live in the water?"

It is the very foundation upon which they were born and raised?" Inky squeaked out.

"No. It is because it is. Is it not?"

Inky thought for a moment, and, coming up with nothing, slowly pronounced a syllable: "yyyyeeesss..."

"Or is it?" Ganondorf corrected. "Does that mass of people constitute an opportunity, or instead a gathering of residents? Will it bring us luck or will it bring us troubles?"

"The truth!"

"Far from it," Ganondorf continued talking fashionably, "The truth lies in the future, which does not exist. And because the present cannot be measured, it is naught but a theory. What lies before us is the past, Inky, because it is all that remains."

"We must move forth and meet them."

"No. We must move back and meet them," Ganondorf floated off to the crowd.

"The truly enlightened can fly!" Inky leapt along behind Ganondorf.

As we arrived before the crowd, my mission was again brought before me. A huge chain of events was about to be begun, and I would be powerless to stop it if I did not take this chance. I knew this. But I also knew that the truly enlightened would bring this world into a new age, far ahead of what existed now. It was my mission or the land. The sign of true internal conflict!

Ganondorf stood a few yards away from the edge of the crowd, which was making a good deal of noise. "We have arrived, Inky."

"Yes!"

"And it would seem matters have been complicated."

Inky looked, "...How so?"

"I paused only because I knew this was the time. This was the point at which my decision must be made. But deep down, below the small amount of turkey I had consumed for lunch that day, I knew I had already decided. Slightly below that was the mental note that I needed a new jar of mayonnaise, because my current one was showing signs of life (I saw it preying on my day-old lunchmeat)."

"See for yourself, uneducated one. Perceiving is believing."

Inky stood on his toes and peered over top of crowd to see what they were surrounding. "Oh... My."

Ganondorf stood still. "Yes."

Chapter Eight: End.
Countdown to Imminent Doom: 6 years, 136 days, 0 hours, 4 minutes, 58 seconds.

Author's Note: I avoid doing these at the end of chapters, but here's a landmark: this is the end of the last chapter I have had to "translate" from script format. From here on out, it will be fresh, clean, and totally awesome. Come back again!