A/N: I return to you shortly. I've given up hope of ever getting reviews like some other authors in this fine Zelda section (curse you, Galaxy Girl! My Snargles could so take your Genna), but I'll still complain. Because this is my story, and I'll bitch and moan if I want to!
You can always just skip over the paragraph if you can't take it anymore.

But then I'll catch you offguard! "Why don't you review?" I shall whine, and you'll sigh and skip the rest of the Author's Note and dive into the beef of the story.

Those loyalists who remain… A good day to you!
As previously mentioned in the endearing Chapter Eight, this is the first chapter I've actually written in quite a while – the previous ones were translations (see: rehashes) of my script format. So, I hope you keep that in mind if you notice a change in the flow of the story. I've given it more thought during the long months I spent slaving away over paragraphéd chapters 1 through 8.

So sit back, relax, and keep a finger on that scroll wheel. Enjoy chapter nine!

The Countdown to Imminent Doom: Ganondorf's Story
Chapter Nine
The crowd parted, catching Ganondorf off-guard. A figure combed its way through the split crowd rather noisily and irritatingly. The noises reminded Ganondorf of that day he had boiled a live rat in a pot he had found in the back alleys of the Gerudo Fortress: feisty, squeamish, and particularly loud. The figure was carrying a book which, unlike its carrier, was not covered in shadow despite it being in broad daylight. The text on the spine read: "Your Newfound Godlike Powers and You."

Ganondorf stepped forward to the figure who, despite all logic and reason, was still veiled in shadow. "Shadowy thing," he spat, "you have something I, THE GREAT GANONDORF," he posed and flexed a bit, "desire."

The figure stopped its slow progress out of the crowd's center, but gave no reply.

"I'm telling you, shadowy thing, that you must give me that book now, or suffer a death in which you will suffer so very much it may end up feeling like you're in a pool of bananas. It is SO VERY PAINFUL that the human mind cannot even perceive it, so it floats off into its banana-pool abyss…"

The shadowy figure slowly reached behind its back.

"Don't try anything funny, now, shadowy thing," Ganondorf warned him, reaching for his phaser before realizing he never had one, "I don't like funny stuff. It's... Funny. And distasteful."

The shadowy thing would have none of it. From behind his back he pulled... A KNIFE! A large knife, covered in the blood of many poor, innocent children who simply happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. The shadowy thing hated children. He knew that if the human race was to survive, its children would have to die.

Ganondorf's first instinct told him that he could take him out with a Flying Dragon Tornado Half Circle Buzz Kick. His second instinct, usually the one that kept him alive, reminded him that he had absolutely no combat training and was essentially meat on legs until he learned some kickass magic that could level his enemies.

His third instinct reminded him that Inky was a far better meatshield than himself. "Inky!" He pulled him over, "Inky, dear boy, go get that book from the shadowy thing."

The shadowed figure began advancing slowly and rather menacingly.

Inky made a face. "He... He, uh..." Inky didn't have time to think up a proper excuse before Ganondorf's summoning spell wore off and Inky was POOFed back to wherever the hell it is he came from.

Ganondorf backed up slowly. "You... You shadowy thing, you... Just you wait! Someday, I'll be strong enough to take you out. Then I'll take your book and spit on you! Then I'll kick you. With boots!"

The shadowy thing took a liking to the "heavy breathing" sound effect, and continued onward towards Ganondorf, now looking and sounding rather menacing.

"I fear not, for the wrath of you is not intimidating or nerve-wracking, neither vicious nor relentless!" Ganondorf backtracked quickly, "I'll be back, shadowy thing! I'll not meet the same fate as my daughter!"

Shadowy thing charged at Ganondorf, large knife held high, but failed: he had not taken into account that Ganondorf's first learned spell was teleportation (very good for running away).

Ganondorf arrived in the middle of Hyrule Field, Lon Lon Ranch but a few meters away. Inky sat against the wall, waiting. "I knew you'd run away," he stood up.

"Shut up! I was performing the incantation that would make him explody into a million pieces, but I messed up a syllable and was accidentally transported... Coincidentally... to your side..." Ganondorf murmured.

The background music suddenly turned very grave and foreboding, almost as if something dramatic were about to occur. We, as the audience, know that this is the part where we lean forward and some punk preteen in the back yells "penis!" and you punch him in the fucking face and tell him if he wants to live to see his mother again he'll keep his hole shut.

Inky and Ganondorf didn't recognize this. Instead, Inky's voice dropped a few octaves as the fire in his eyes danced like small ballerinas whipped until they performed perfectly in sync. "Ganny. I know it's hard, to see the shadowy thing again so many years after he chopped off the head of your daughter, Gertrude---"

"Gilla," Ganondorf interrupted, "not Gertrude... Or was it Gully?"

Inky waited.

"I don't know," Ganondorf mused, scratching his chin thoughtfully, "it was something with a 'G,' I'm sure of it... Gumby... Gina... Gogo..."

Inky continued and drowned Ganondorf out. "--- but you must focus. The little pink kitty, he is the one---"

"She," Ganondorf corrected pointedly.

"--- she is the one who we must focus on. Her---"

"His," Ganondorf corrected pointedly.

Inky was a patient beast. His mother raised him well. "Its innate powers are far too dangerous to be let alone, you said so yourself!"

Ganondorf posed again (he was becoming very good at it). "Fear not, Inky, the doom-bringer is close within our reach once more. His fuzzy little paws have not far to... Paw..." he looked around, unsuccessfully searching for the word, "before we are upon him and can cuddle him into widdle bitty pieces again!"

"Maria," Inky had a finely tuned Spanish accent, "how can you say this?"

"Simple!" Ganondorf pulled out a small mechanism, extending the antenna, "I made sure I would be able to track my little lovely so he would never be lost!"

The Mechanism beeped.

"DO NOT SPEAK UNLESS SPOKEN TO!" Ganondorf slapped The Mechanism, "How many times to I have to tell you?"

Ganondorf continued to scold the machine, and Inky leaned up against the wall of the ranch once more, admiring the beautiful day. Oh, how he longed to be a bird, to be able to fly away (he was reminded of a tune he'd heard once, but resisted the urge to burst into song).

A real bird flew by and Inky cursed it silently. The bird exploded with a chirp.

Oh, how Inky was jealous of the beings who had such freedom, such majestic qualities! He supposed that he would even settle for being one of those ugly vulture-things – plus they had the advantage of being able to beat up on small defenseless woodland creatures for no particular reason! That was it, he decided, he wanted to be a vulture-thing.

"I'm glad we came to this little understanding," Ganondorf growled, and turned to Inky once more. "Watch closely!" He pressed the sole button on The Mechanism.

Inky tried to peer over to see what The Mechanism was displaying, but Ganondorf shooed him back, demanding his personal space (something he never had any trouble losing to Inky before, the moblin wondered). The Mechanism beeped a few times, made a sound not unlike Snargles himself, then was silent.

Ganondorf studied the results, then looked at Inky suspiciously. "Inky, just how close have you been with my little Snargles?"

Inky knew this situation well. He knew, stereotypically, he would stutter a few times, looked around nervously, then be interrogated by Ganondorf until he cracked and confessed all wrongdoings even if he had never committed them.

Ganondorf's left eye seemed to be getting bigger as it watched him. It was a terrible, terrible eye, Inky knew, and now it stared straight into his very soul. He backed up against the wall... And suddenly became aware of very heavy breathing behind him...

All suspense aside, Inky discovered that the breather was not shadowy at all, but was rather a horse who thought Inky smelled particularly like carrots and had grown very hungry at the thought.

Ganondorf finally managed to get his eye back to average size. "Sorry," he said, wiping it off a bit, "it does that sometimes. I think it's an allergic reaction." He seemed to have forgotten what he was angry about. "Where were we?" he asked.

Inky thought fast. Thought fast like a mouse on butter wheels. "You were just saying... That we should continue our search for Snargles in a more suitable location, like Kokiri Forest!"

"THAT'S RIGHT!" Ganondorf recalled, "I remember now! Come, Inky, we shall reign some doom upon our filthy enemies and rescue my sweet little kitten!" he jogged off at a rather leisurely pace. "Pace yourself, Inky!" he called behind him, "It's a long way to the forest!"

Inky collapsed in a depressed heap. The kids in school used to call him fat because he was fat and couldn't run. He recalled joining the track team just so he could wait at the finish line of each race and throw dirt into the dry eyes of his tormentors and hand them cyanide-flavored Kool-Aid as they ran by.

But that was 10 years ago! He didn't have to live his life in fear of what the bullies in high school had said! They were meaningless anyhow, and most of them were probably working at McHarkinian's or Taco Gong by now! He could live his own life! He could do whatever he wanted to do! He could---

Ganondorf noticed Inky's absence and turned to yell something about Inky being fat and worthless and get his lazy ass over here now or he's gonna regret it.

Inky got up. And he began to run. Not for Ganondorf, not for Snargles (okay, maybe a little for Snargles), not for himself... But for the children. Inky ran for the children.

Shadowy Thing was really rather disappointed, and he demonstrated this by castrating a few villagers before devouring them. The crowd dispersed rather quickly. Shadowy Thing knew he wouldn't make any friends is he kept being so menacing. I mean, he was a monster, but he didn't have to be such a monster about it.

He pondered this for a moment before slicing off another valued limb of an unfortunate , productive member of Kakariko's society.

But he knew, deep down, he really just wanted to fsck some people up. It wasn't bloodlust really, he told himself, it was just that he liked to stab and murder things and watch them bleed. Sometimes he ate them, you know, so nobody would have to clean up. It's polite.

The real reason he was interested in Ganondorf (and previously his delectable daughter, Gothrough, or Galak, or Genentech, or something...) was not because he wanted to stab him into a million pieces – well, yeah, maybe a little – but rather because he needed to. It couldn't be explained, there was just something plainly and surely antagonistic in his nature.

He was, after all, shadowy and dark. What else can someone who's enshrouded in darkness do besides try to kill the main character? I mean, honestly, he told himself, exasperated. As he chewed through a villager's spleen, he tried to imagine himself any other way.

Snargles found himself in a dark place.

A dark, dark place.

A place so dark even dark couldn't escape, making it really, really... Really dark.

And the smell, oh! the smell. Snargles put a paw up to his nose in an attempt to take his own life but only succeeded in stifling the smell a bit. He rolled over in what felt a bit like thick oatmeal.

Ganondorf tapped his foot impatiently. "Inky! Can't you move a little faster?"

A few moments later, a mass of sweaty flesh that vaguely resembled Inky trotted up beside Ganondorf outside the entrance to the Forest. "Mhgfh... Gu..."

"No, I returned them yesterday. I told you that," Ganondorf told him, annoyed. "They're not charging me those late fees again. I'm onto them. They'll be second to go in The Purge. Right after those old hags in the courtyard who mocked me," he shook a fist as he recalled a couple nameless characters he had encountered for a total of 20 seconds.

"Rughnmluh…" Inky-sweat-flesh breathed heavily.

"No, and no," Ganondorf told him. "See, the problem with that is that we aren't small children of the forest. So if we try to step in here, we'll be maimed or exploded – shut up I know it's not a word it is now – or poked until we bleed to death or some other horrible, ill-contrived way of torturing us.

"Like with squirrels," he continued, "I hear they're particularly nasty around here. With huge, sharp teeth and nuts big enough to knock you right out. Then they feed on your warm flesh as you sleep the last hours of your life away."

Inky looked longingly back at Hyrule Field.

"No, no no," Ganondorf corrected him, "we must press on... Under the guise of small forest children. It shouldn't be too hard, really. I mean, they're small, green, and... and foresty. With leaves and fairies and crap. Right?"

Inky sneezed.

"Sweet Goddesses, you're right. We can't keep stalling here, WE'RE NEEDED!" He grabbed Inky's arm and dragged him into the forest behind him. Then, after a moment's thought, shoved him in front and trailed along behind him, watching for squirrels and other vicious forest creatures.

The moment he stepped into the forest, Inky suddenly felt refreshed. Whether it was the forest magic or the fact that Ganondorf was behind him again after all these years – the moral support he needed – he wasn't sure. But he knew he once again had the energy to FIGHT THE MAN and DO STUFF!

So he did!

Inky looked left and right before leaping off the bridge into the village. "Mother always said, 'my son, do the noble thing,'" he told himself, "'you have to finish what you started, no matter what.'" He ran off into the Woods, where he soon became very, very Lost.

Ganondorf grabbed the rope railing where Inky had plunged into the depths of foresty greenness. "Blasphemy. This is very much unlike him," he pondered, "what has gotten into him to the point where he would leap off bridges and run off into the Woods? He will surely become very, very Lost.

"But listen to me," he leaned back a bit and stared off into the partially obscured skyline, "I used to be so carefree, chasing after the muffin man – yes, I knew him well – and riding Harleys across Hyrule to get some boob grabbage... I mean Triforce... from the Princess. Now I'm just a boring old green thing." He sighed and sat down, brooding intently. "I blame the French."

"Deeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiin...?" Snargles asked the darkness.

"Moooooooo," came a belated response.

Inky found himself in a dark place.

He remembered very little. He remembered leaping off the bridge in hopes of stepping closer to accomplishing his mission, but after stumbling into the brush, everything was fuzzy. Really fuzzy. It was like a million Snargles had all crowded into the same Woods and started wiggling around a bit. He was sure, though, that he would have noticed if the forest had suddenly become a wiggling mass of pink fuzziness. It most certainly had not been pink.

Nothing wiggled anymore.

In fact, Inky wasn't even sure if that was his own reflection staring back at him or a pair of big, blue eyes. The eyes questioned him in a tongue he did not understand.

Ganondorf stood up. "Brooding is for heroes. I have better things to do!" He stalked over a few paces towards the village entrance before pausing, turning, and leaping over the edge of the bridge.
Shadowy Thing found himself in a dark place.

Though that was actually rather normal for a giant walking shadow thing. He gave a few prayers to multiple gods and goddesses, and floated up a mile or so, brushing leaves off of his shoulders as he ascended.

I need to find that man, he said, to complete the collection. He wasn't sure he was anywhere around here, but it was likely. Even from this high, though, it wasn't easy to see anything on the ground level.

Ganondorf throttled that damn kid. "I SAID TELL ME WHICH WAY HE WENT. I don't care about your stupid little game!"

The kid made a sound that resembles the sound Lindsay Lohan makes when she pukes every few hours or so.

"That's not good enough!" Ganondorf told him. "I NEED ANSWERS!" He threw the kid to the ground (who was far older than Ganondorf, after all, so Ganondorf felt no remorse about doing so).

The kid jumped up and pulled out a knife. "Bitch, I'll cut you!"

"You wanna dance?" Ganondorf felt around in his pants for his blade and whipped it out.

"Woah, dude," the kid dropped the knife and backed up a few steps, "I didn't know it was like that."

"Good," Ganondorf moved to sheath it, but the kid picked up his knife, leapt at Ganondorf, and disarmed him.

Ganondorf sat down quickly. Somewhere, a dragon wept.

"Das RIGHT," the kid danced and threw some gang symbols at Ganondorf. They hurt.

"Fine, kid," Ganondorf knew how to handle pain like this. "You win. But there's one thing you should know..."

The kid stopped his ritual and turned to face Ganondorf. "What!"

Ganondorf leapt up and threw a table on the ground. "I PLAY A MEAN GAME OF BACKGAMMON!"

New kids jumped out of bushes. "What? Fight?"

Ganondorf had set the backgammon up in 1.4 seconds flat. "Let's rumble!"

The kid couldn't back down with all his friends watching, so he stepped up to the table. "You know, we Kokiri are known for our tabletop and board games."

The bush kids murmured agreement and formed a crowd.

"Dude, where are your shoes?" one bush kid asked another.

"Shoes? Fuck shoes."

Ganondorf waved at them to be silent and stared at his opponent.

One more kid dropped out of a tree. "I heard it, so I came out," he explained.

Ganondorf struck a pose, and the game began. It was fierce, and at least 2 fingers on both sides were bleeding after the intensive dice use halfway through the game.

"He wasn't kidding," Ganondorf thought, "he's strong." He grunted and moved his pieces.

"Damn it all," thought the kid, "I fucking hate green. Why does everything have to be green around here? It's all green trees, green grass, and now this green fool's comin' in here, steppin' on our turf. I'll crush him!" He exhaled sharply, a sure sign of true concentration. He needed that double-6 roll.

"I wonder how Knives is doing?" Ganondorf rolled a lucky number, "he's been down in that dungeon for a pretty long while."

"Seriously, though. I mean, green sucks. The Zoras got all the cool colors, and we're stuck with green, 'cuz we're just kids and it doesn't matter to us, right? I cut this fool and he even bleeds green. I hate him."

"So," Ganondorf mocked him aloud, "had enough?"

The kid grunted. "He's strong. I should've known, what with him being so green. But I can't lose! Not here!"

"I'm just getting warmed up!" the kid cackled, trapping Ganondorf's piece.

Ganondorf took out a banana and peeled it slowly, intently, while staring the kid square in the eye (everything was still rather pixilated back then, see kids, so eyes weren't round yet. That didn't happen until the late sixties).

"Assmonkey," the kid furrowed his brow, "how did he know my weakness?"

Ganondorf tried to convince the banana that he wasn't such a bad guy, really, that he was just a little drunk last night is all; he was sorry, it wouldn't happen again. The banana would have none of it. They were through.

The kid tried to shake the banana's grip on him. "No! I have to concentrate! It's just a banana! There's nothing special about yellow! It's just... Just... So beautiful..."

"Well, come on!" Ganondorf complained rather loudly, "it's not like I had a choice! Big John had me at gunpoint! He was gonna blow my brains out! I had no choice but to sleep with Cheryl and Cindy... And Berry..." he paused. "Well, yeah, OK, but Juju doesn't count. I mean, no man alive could pass her up."

The kid pounded the tabletop with his face, but quickly righted himself. "Look, Mister, I'll tell you what I saw if you give me the banana."

Ganondorf smirked and moved to lick the banana. "Do you want it?"

"DON'T LICK IT!"

"I don't know, I'm sooo hungry..."

"I'll tell you! I'll tell you everything! Just... Don't lick it! Give it to me!"

Ganondorf rolled his dice once more and moved his final piece into position. "I win."

The kid was suddenly infuriated. "What! That's not... It can't be!" He was then enraptured by the yellow once more, "Banana..."

The crowd of bush kids disappeared as they saw that there wasn't going to be any more bloodshed. "Here, feel this damage," one of them told another.

Ganondorf slid the banana over the table, and the kid took it hungrily. He rubbed it on his face for a moment before sticking it in a shirt pocket.

"Alright," he said in a low voice, "here's what happened. It was bright and stuff, so I was out kicking green things." He waved off Ganondorf's question, "then I heard this weird sound. I mean, I hear a lot of weird things, you know? This one time, I walked in on my grandma---"

"I've heard this one," Ganondorf interrupted quickly.

"Oh. Well, I heard this noise from over in some green stuff over to my left, so I was like, 'what bitch I'll cut you,' and it stopped. So I walked over there and kicked it. But then it started telling me about some depths of hell or something, and---"

Ganondorf shook his hand around a bit. "Wait, which depth of hell?"

"I don't know. But it was a pretty pathetic-sounding demon."

"Was it talking about the Maw?"

"Yeah, that's it. Anyway, that one time, with my Grandma..."

"No no," Ganondorf moved forward and stepped on a bug, who cursed him and his family a split second before being crushed. "Was it a little pink kitty?"

"I don't know, I never saw it. Everything got real dark. I think it was because I was looking at too much green stuff and I started drowning in my own self-pity."

"Is that everything you remember?" Ganondorf asked as he wiped a bit of bug off his shoes.

"Well, yeah, because after that I---" the kid never got to tell anyone else about his Adventure with Grandma because Ganondorf stabbed him repeatedly in the face and threw his body into some underbrush.

Now that he was alone, Ganondorf knew, he could work on getting his voice back to normal. It was much too high now.

Chapter Nine: End