It got worse at the end, just before it all got better. As Harry got closer and closer to his final victory, the Death Eaters increased their attacks, striking wildly and repeatedly, incessantly, and the number of dead climbed. We'd lost Charlie in June, then in early August Lee disappeared, and Dad was killed just a few days later. The whole family—the whole world—was in disarray.
As I had grown accustomed to doing those days, I shut myself off, shut myself down. Going out was dangerous for anyone, but that wasn't the problem; it was depressing, and I had enough of that without ever leaving the flat. I barely even spoke to Fred. And as much as I wanted to fill the void I felt by any available means, I could not bring myself to go to Alicia; this was too much, too personal.
She came to me instead. When I opened the door and saw her there, saw the concern on her face, I sighed. She hadn't come for herself, she'd come because she thought I needed her, that I was too distraught even to seek her out, and the fact that she was partially right was more than a little shaming.
By simply showing up she had hit too close to home; I'd just lost some of the people I cared about most, and here she was presenting me with something akin to real emotion.
"This isn't fair," I told her without explaining further.
"Fair is gone, George. Take advantage of what you have in front of you. Isn't that what we're all about?" I nodded reluctantly and led her into the living room, and she took my hand as soon as we sat down. "You know you could've come to me with this, don't you? I want to help. I hope you think of me as a friend and not just a free shag from time to time. I am here for you if you need me."
But that was exactly the problem. "I don't want to need you at all." I felt her fingers twitch around mine, and grimaced at what she must have thought I meant. "I can't, I..."
"No, I get it. I do. But that doesn't mean we can't be friends, or that we can't help one another."
"How could you possibly help me in this situation?" I asked, more harshly than I intended. I shook my head and dropped my voice to a near whisper. "How does this help either one of us?"
Her voice was as soft as mine when she answered, "It helps to know I'm not completely alone. I thought it helped you too."
"I thought it did too. Now I just don't know."
"Well, if you figure it out, you know where to find me," she said, but not unkindly, then stood and walked to the door.
"Alicia..."
She didn't turn around, merely paused. "Are you going to tell me that I should stay?"
That was what I had intended to say, but now that I'd been called on it, I thought better of it. "No. Just that... I'm sorry."
"I know. Me too."