Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing.

Author's Notes: My friend and I got to talking and we wondered what the pilots Christmas letters to Santa would look like and then VIOLA! This was born from the mayhem. Never mind the fact that they all probably don't believe in Santa. Let us fan girls have our moments, thank you. But this is probably my most favorite of all story arches. I just can't wait for chapter 12! It's gonna' be so great. I am really tempted to skip all chapters in front of it and just go straight to it. But if I did that it would completely ruin the ending and the ending wouldn't make sense anymore.

Warnings: Major stupidity! Christmas cheer. Minor mild language. Author probably drunk on eggnog but that's what makes things fun anyways.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Three elven spies.

Heero curiously poked at the multicolored brick that Duo had plopped on their kitchen table and called 'Christmas spirit in food form'. The other pilots were also gathered around the odd food product. Trowa had a look of mild curiosity; Quatre wore an excited look, just waiting for Duo to explain how this was related to the holiday; and Wufei was glaring at Duo who was looking as if he was just waiting for someone to hand him an award for his genius. Heero just figured this was probably another one of those weird, American things.

Heero looked up from the thing on the table to look at Duo. After waiting a few moments for Duo explain, Heero finally realized that Duo seemed to be caught up in basking in his own glory and if he was waiting for Duo to snap out of it on his own he would be waiting a long time. Heero cleared his throat loudly, drawing Duo's attention away from the abomination on their kitchen table.

"Huh?" Duo said, finally seeming to come back to reality.

"What is that?" Heero asked him in an angry voice.

"What is what?" Duo asked, looking confused.

"That abomination." Heero said, motioning to the tray on their kitchen table.

Duo smiled and shouted, "Now Heero, what have I told you about talking about Trowa that way!?" Duo then quickly ducked a punch to the head from Trowa and laughed, "You know I'm just jealous Tro'. But what was your question again Heero?"

Heero growled and and pointed to the aforementioned abomination. "What is that?"

Duo laughed. "Oh, sorry. Maybe I should have explained better. That is a fruit cake. The traditional dessert of Christmas!"

Duo's exclamation that the colorful brick was supposed to be edible just cemented something Heero had suspected all along: American's were crazy. All of them.

"So this is supposed to be food?" Quatre asked curiously and picked up a fork off the table to poke at the fruit cake. It didn't seem edible. It seemed more like something that Quatre would use as a weapon during a fight.

"Of course it is!" Duo shouted, offended. How could they not know that it was food!? One of the many things he would never be able to forget about L2 was that every December Sister Helen and Sister Mary would cart out the fruit cake.

"Maxwell, I know you'll eat anything, but I assure you, there is no way on Earth that you are getting one piece of that in my mouth." Trowa stated clearly, casting the fruit cake a suspicious look as if he suspected that it may try to attack him at any given moment.

"But it's part of the Christmas tradition!" Duo whined.

"No." Trowa stated firmly. "I've done Christmas before and never once has anything like this been essential to the experience."

"Well that's just because you celebrated wrong!" Duo protested.

"No." Trowa repeated.

"It doesn't look so bad." Quatre said, trying to play the part of mediator.

"Yes it does Winner." Heero snapped at him.

"But if you squint your eyes and tilt your head to the right just a bit," Quatre said while demonstrating, "It looks...appetizing."

"Face it Winner," Wufei said, glaring at the fruit cake, "The thing does and always will look awful. I think who ever cooked this did so with their eyes shut."

Quatre fell silent. He really didn't have much ground to stand on in this argument. He did want to learn more about the Christmas culture, but he didn't see how eating something that looked like the bastard child between rotten fruit and a crayon factory, could help him learn anything.

Duo and Trowa just continued their argument as if no one had said anything.

"Well it is essential and you havn't even tried it yet!" Duo argued, standing nose to nose with the much taller pilot, and glaring up at him.

"And I'm telling you there is not a chance that that thing isn't poisonous!" Trowa growled back, sending Duo a glare of his own, though it was a bit hampered since only one of his eyes were visible. Trowa didn't trust the other boy enough to take suspicious looking food from him. Plus, he just didn't want to try it. It looked icky.

"Fine! But you have to cut and serve it then. I'm not letting you get out of this tradition completely." Duo huffed angrily, while walking over to grab a knife so Trowa could cut up the fruit cake.

Trowa just smirked. It was a momentous day in history. Someone had finally forced Duo to budge in a disagreement. Next thing OZ might change their ways and become something similar to PETA instead of the cold blooded killers they were. It was so stunning in fact that all the other pilots had gone silent to stare in amazement at Trowa.

Duo just angrily shoved the knife into Trowa's hands and walked over to sit in a bar stool at the island in the center of the kitchen.

Still wearing the smirk, Trowa stepped towards the fruit cake. It didn't take long for Trowa to realize that he had been to quick to let his guard down with Duo. He had been stupid to think that Duo would actually let him win an argument. Trowa was really starting to realize that even though Duo seemed a bit air-headed at times it was only so that when he decided to be sly or devious you wouldn't see it coming until it was too late. And for Trowa it was most certainly too late.

By the time Trowa realized what he had been tricked into he was already attempting to push the knife into the fruit cake. And well it was also around that time that Trowa realized that the fruit cake had more in common with a brick than had first been suspected. It was most certainly as hard as a brick.

The smirk quickly fell off Trowa's face and he focused all his attention on the offending fruit cake. He placed one hand on one end of the fruit cake to brace it and then tried to cut again, this time throwing his weight into and straining every muscle in his arm.

He was a gundam pilot and he refuse to be defeated by a festive food product. The other three pilots around him looked on in terrified amazement as Trowa shoved down hard on the blade and yet made absolutely no dent in it, meanwhile Duo sat back and chuckled in the background.

Duo laughed at Trowa's expense, as he enlisted Wufei's help to try and cut the fruit cake. This was better than cable. Duo began to laugh harder as Trowa began to try to pound the knife into the fruit cake with the hilt of another knife. Priceless.

Suddenly, Duo leaped from his chair as he saw Heero take out his gun and point it at the fruit cake. "No! Wait!" Duo yelled, rushing forward and grabbing the gun out of Heero's hands.

"What?" Heero asked, shooting Duo a glare that would have made lesser men cry. And the glare Trowa was sending him wasn't much better.

"You can't shoot it!" Duo yelled indignantly, while taking the bullets out of the gun just to be on the safe side, because seriously, when was the last time Heero had listened when he had told him not to shoot something?

Heero intensified his glare and growled, "Why not?"

Handing the unloaded gun back to Heero and pocketing the ammo, Duo replied, "Because it would get gun powder and metal shavings in the food and that tastes nasty."

With that said Duo walked back to his bar stool to continue to watch them try to Duo something as simple as cut and serve a fruit cake.

This'll teach 'em. Duo's trademark smirk came back as he watched Trowa about panic as once again his attempts failed. Duo decided that he should celebrate with some good 'ol fashioned relaxing in the living room, so he got up from his seat and went into the main room of the safe house and took a seat on the comfiest couch and stretched his arms behind his head, getting in a comfortable position.

With a sigh, Quatre figured this was probably going to take a while. Trowa had already given up on the knife and was now attempting to crack it by banging it against the side of the table, since Duo had forbidden them from using a gun. Figuring that they would probably be at that for more then an hour, Quatre headed out into the main room to sit down next to Duo, and was also soon joined by Wufei.

Wufei stomped over to Duo and stood directly in front of where the braided boy sat. "You don't really expect us to actually eat that do you?"

Duo smirked up at Wufei, "No. But I did expect to get someone to try and cut it just for kicks." Duo stated with a laugh.

"As I thought." Wufei huffed, and took a seat in the chair to the right of the couch.

Quatre laughed at Duo's confession. It seemed that Trowa had fallen right into Duo's trap and had even roped Heero into it. "So then if it really isn't edible then why make it?" Quatre asked.

"Because during Christmas it is a tradition to find unsuspecting people and try to sucker them into eating fruit cake. But normally they're just for decoration." Duo responded with a wide smile.

Quatre chuckled. He really was starting to like this Christmas thing.

"When are you going to tell Trowa and Heero that? It would be dishonorable to let them continue for too much longer." Wufei said glancing towards the kitchen before adding, "Plus, it is only a matter of time before Yuy decides to try a more explosive method."

Duo laughed and lounged backwards in his seat. "Ahh. I'll let them figure it out. If they're smart enough to become gundam pilots, they should be smart enough to figure out the mystery of fruit cake on their own." Duo stated with a contented look on his face.

Wufei nodded in agreement. Duo defiantly had a point there. Plus, he was only sixteen. He couldn't be expected to not derive at least some enjoyment from watching others make fools of themselves.

The friendly air in the living room was soon broken as the loud sound of a gunshot cut through the air. Duo lept to his feet with a growl, "Damn it! I told them not to use a gun!"

Taking out his own gun, Duo ran into the kitchen, followed by the other two pilots.

What Duo saw when he reached the kitchen made his anger at Heero and Trowa immediately evaporate. Instead he felt the feeling he normally got when fighting. Adrenaline began to pump through his veins and his focus narrowed down to the five people standing in front of him. Standing in the kitchen were two OZ soldiers, one of them on the ground clutching a gunshot wound in the arm and the other holding up his hands in surrender to Heero and Trowa who were pointing guns at his head.

Duo brought up the gun he was holding and pointed at the soldier on the ground, just in case he chose to try anything. Behind him Wufei grabbed for his guns and directed it at the standing soldier.

"How did you know we're here?!" Heero shouted at the soldier he was pointing his gun at.

The soldier just glared at him and said nothing, refusing to give up any information to the pilots.

Heero glared at the soldier and hissed, "If you don't start talking, I'll k-"

Heero never had time to finish his statement, because apparently the two soldiers in their kitchen weren't the only people there. Another soldier rounded the corner from the hallway out to the bedrooms and had fired a shot that just barely missed Heero's head.

That split second was all the other soldier needed to break away from Heero and whip out a gun.

All pilots, realizing that the OZ soldiers had gained the upper hand, all dove to hide behind various pieces of furniture. Both Heero and Duo hid behind the kitchen island, Trowa behind the pantry door, and Wufei crouched down behind the cabinets.

Heero cursed in Japanese as two shots embedded themselves in the table. The soldiers' guns could most defiantly fire faster than he could move and the moment Heero's head got out from behind the table it would be shot clear off.

Duo was just about to turn and make a suggestion to Heero when:

Smack!

Thud.

Duo sat silently for a few seconds, and when no more gunshots were fired, decided to take a chance and peek around and see what was going on.

When Duo peered around the edge of the table he saw Quatre standing over two now unconscious OZ soldiers and holding the fruit cake in his hand. Once Quatre saw Duo, he started laughing and held up the fruit cake. "I think I finally found a use for it."

Duo laughed and then came out from behind the table, followed by the others. "Most creative use of Christmas spirit I've ever seen!" Duo declared while laughing.

"Yes. But now we must find a way to better keep out spying elves." Heero muttered while walking over to the door to check the locks.

Duo shot Heero a confused look. "Huh?"

"Klaus's cleverness is astounding but I think I can prevent this from repeating itself." Heero responded, already tinkering with the lock.

"But those are O-"

"And I'll have to add more explosives to the roof."

Before Heero could get any farther, Trowa marched over to Quatre and took the fruit cake from him, then hurled it at Heero, hitting him on the head and knocking him unconscious. Living in a circus as a part of a knife throwing act finally came in handy. "I'm not fixing the roof again." Trowa muttered, passing the fruit cake back to Quatre.

Duo just watched Heero fall to the ground before declaring, "And you see kids, that is what happens when you have too much Christmas spirit."

The other pilots just stood there, completely stunned by Trowa's actions.

Duo just shook his head at the other's shock and started to walk to his room, while whistling 'Deck the Halls', and leaving the other pilots to stand in the kitchen and stare in astonishment at the unconscious Heero.

And now a word from our sponsor...

Oh man! I had so much fun writing this one I thought my head was about to explode. I finally figured out how to encourperate a fruit cake into my series! Plus, I finally got one whole chapter done in a day. And I even got started on another. Go me.

But anyway, I just want to thank all you people so much for reading this. You wouldn't believe how many people read this in such a short time. I about cried I was so happy. But yet I only get 5 comments out of 300 readers. Oh well. Beggers can't be choosers.

Please leave me a comment giving me ideas! Writer's block is getting me off schedule!