Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing.

Author's Notes: My friend and I got to talking and we wondered what the pilots Christmas letters to Santa would look like and then VIOLA! This was born from the mayhem. Never mind the fact that they all probably don't believe in Santa. Let us fan girls have our moments, thank you. But this is probably my most favorite of all story arches. I just can't wait for chapter 12! It's gonna' be so great. I am really tempted to skip all chapters in front of it and just go straight to it. But if I did that it would completely ruin the ending and the ending wouldn't make sense anymore.

Warnings: Major stupidity! Christmas cheer. Minor mild language. Author probably drunk on eggnog but that's what makes things fun anyways.

'On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Four disfigured snowmen.'

Duo sighed loudly. He was extremely bored. Extremely bored. He was bored to the point where he couldn't even muster the enthusiasm to get up and do something to cure his boredom.

The other pilots weren't much better off. Quatre was drumming his fingers on the arm of the plush chair he was seated in, Wufei was attempting to meditate on a zen rug in front of the fireplace, Heero was disassembling and reassembling a toaster, Trowa was sitting on a the couch staring off into space, and Duo was sprawled on the floor trying to count the tiles on the ceiling.

So far there were 32 off-white, cottage cheese colored ceiling tiles.

The five teenage boys were just not used to having time to kill, normally they were too busy killing everything else. If they weren't blowing up OZ bases, they were running for their lives. If they weren't running for their lives, they were in a gundam battle. If not that, they were hacking computers (or if you were Duo, you would be multitasking and hacking computers, playing computer games, chatting, holding people hostage and eating). But the fact of the matter was they always had something to occupy their attention.

Duo was actually starting to miss the every day life or death situations of the war. Though sadly, if his guess was correct, he was probably going to be stuck there with the four freakish pilots until Christmas at the very least. Duo sighed loudly again to express his discontent with the current situation.

Wufei opened one eye to glare at Duo. "It's kind of hard to reach a higher plain of consciousness when you keep making those annoying, unnecessary noises." Wufei growled.

Noticing that an argument was about to start, Quatre stopped drumming his fingers and reached off to the side table, picking up a pad of paper and a marker. Quatre had given up on trying to stop these arguments after the first few days. It was a waste of both time and energy. Wufei and Duo always seemed to be bickering about something. Trying to stop them would be like trying to stop the dawn from coming. Quatre just figured it was their way of showing that they cared about each other, because Quatre could sense a feeling of competitive comradery between the two of them. Plus, he was barely 16, he couldn't be expected to try and act like a mature adult all the time.

"Oh stop lying, Chang." Duo huffed, "We all know you aren't really meditating. Who actually does that any more?" Duo asked, then glanced over at Quatre who had written down a 5.5 on the paper and was holding it up. Not the best score, but still not bad for a warm-up.

Wufei intensified his glare. Even though what Duo had said was dead on, it would be a cold day in Hell before Wufei admitted it. Every day at 10:00am Master O had always had Wufei 'meditate'. But there was always a problem, Wufei neither knew how to meditate, or knew how to know when he actually did meditate. For about two months Wufei attempted to 'clear his mind' as Master O had commanded, and for two straight months he failed at it. It would always going something like:

'Alright don't think anything.'

'Clear the mind. Just clear the mind...'

'Wait, was that a thought?'

'Oh! Ah! That was defiantly a thought!'

'Oh no, I'm still thinking.'

'Alright stopping...NOW!'

'Well that's an odd looking bug on Master O's jack-'

'Shoot.'

'O.k. Wufei, just think of blackness.'

'...Black.'

'No! Not the word. The color. Don't think about the word.'

'Black.'

'No wai- Black-t! I can'–Black-t think of th–Black-e word! Why is it that the moment I decide -Black- not to think of something, my brain decides that is the most fascinating thing in the world?! Who's in charge here?'

'Oh great. I'm thinking things again...'

'...Black.'

'...Stupid mind.'

After two months of enduring that same two hours of trying not to think of anything, Wufei finally decided that it was probably just better if he only pretended to meditate and thought about what ever was on his mind instead. That seemed like a much better use of his time. Now it was just out of habit that everyday at 10:00am he sat on the floor and pretended to meditate. It wasn't like there was anything better to do. But pigs would fly before Wufei actually admitted any of this to Duo, instead he opted to snarl, "People with minds to clear meditate Maxwell."

Quatre wrote down and held up a 6.5.

Duo cursed under his breath. Now he was really going to have to make a come back.

"Well maybe some of us don't need to spend hours on end just trying to understand our own minds." Duo shot back, "When you can't understand your own thoughts that's a lovely little thing we back on L2 would call insanity. Or sometimes homosexuality. Take your pick."

Quatre chuckled and wrote down a 7.3.

Wufei growled. A man's sexual orientation was kind of a big deal in his culture. The Chinese were worse at accepting homosexuality than the Catholics. Plus, once someone's spouse died in his culture they weren't even supposed to look at anyone else for the rest of their lives. "And this is coming from the person who has hair down to his thighs and spends over an hour in the bathroom." Wufei remarked.

Again Quatre chuckled and wrote down a 7.

Duo just smirked. This thing was already won in his opinion. "Woah 'Fei. I said that it could mean one of two things. You jumped to the gay conclusion pretty fast, didn't you?" Duo taunted, leaning back down to lounge placidly on the floor.

By now Quatre was laughing out right and held up an 8.8. He then flipped to another page and put a mark under a column labeled 'Duo'. The two columns, one labeled 'Wufei', the other 'Duo', had about an equal amount of marks.

Wufei just huffed and closed his eyes again. "You're just lucky I don't hit girls." He growled, causing Duo to burst into fits of laughter. With that said, Wufei once again began to fake meditatation. As much as it seemed like Wufei was mad at Duo, he really did have to admit that their constant bickering was a good way to relieve pent up boredom.

After a few minutes of silence, Duo suddenly shouted out in anger and growled at no one in particular.

With a sigh, Wufei once again opened his eyes. "What is wrong now Maxwell?" He asked.

Duo glared up at the ceiling. "Your being obnoxious made me loose count!" Duo growled at Wufei.

"My being obnoxious Maxwell?" Wufei asked with a slight grin.

"Yes. You-"

"Alright! Duo it's been a day and you still haven't explained another Christmas tradition." Quatre interrupted. He knew he had promised himself to try and be a bit less of a mediator, but some habits were hard to break.

Duo's face instantly cleared of all aggrivation and was replaced by the regular wide smile. "Oh yeah! Thanks for reminding me Blondie. I almost forgot." Duo said, smiling over at Quatre. He then got up to his feet. "For today's activity you all need to get some warmer clothes on." With that said, Duo raced off to his room to get warmer clothes on but stopped halfway to the door to say, "And if anyone decides not to get warmer clothes on to try and skip this, I'll force 'em out into the snow in whatever they happen to be wearing." He turned his head and flashed all the occupants of the room a bright smile over his shoulder and then continued to walk to his room.

Everyone in the room recognized that smile. It was the same smile he wore in gundam battles. Some of them may have thought they could take on the person on the other end of that smile, but Quatre really didn't want to take the chance. Quatre heaved himself to his feet and began to walk to his room, shooting the other pilots a look as if to say 'You all had better follow my example because I'm smarter'.

With a sigh, Heero also got to his feet and began to follow behind Quatre. As if Heero was the signal for the remaining two pilots, they both got to their feet and also went to get dressed in warmer clothes.

By the time the other four pilots had finished getting dressed, Duo was already completely decked out in black and white snow gear and was standing in the center of the main room, tapping his foot impatiently.

When the four other pilots finally stepped out into the main room, Duo shouted out, "Finally! Sure took you guys long enough." He then struck a heroic pose and declared, "To the outdoors!" Duo grinned widely and threw the front door open.

Four very unhappy pilots followed Duo out into the snow, each of them muttering curses in their native languages, or in Quatre's case, almost every language known to man. They were all cold and didn't see why they couldn't learn about Christmas from inside. Trowa was especially unhappy since he already knew about almost everything Duo had talked about.

"Alright!" Duo shouted, "Next lesson time. Snowmen!" Seeing Heero immediately reach for a gun he added, "Snowmen that aren't alive." Duo then leaned and, picking up a handful of snow, he began to pack it into a tight ball. "Now you see what you got to do is make a ball out of the snow to begin with."

Surprisingly, without question or complaint, all of them slowly reached down to mimic Duo's actions. Most of their snow balls ended up, putting it nicely, looking not so pretty. Both Quatre's and Trowa's ended up being too loosely packed and fell apart the moment they opened their hands, and both Heero's and Wufei's ended up being pulverized because the pilots had tried to pack them too roughly.

With a sigh, Duo finally realized just how Christmasly retarded his fellow pilots really were. It was then that he realized that not only were they Christmasly retarded, but they were also snowly retarded. Duo was shocked that anyone could go for fifteen years and never once have to create a snowball. God help their poor souls. From that day forward he was going to make sure that he did everything in his power to help these misfortunate people. Why did the smart people always get all of the burden and all of the work?

Duo handed out the four snowballs that he had made and the other pilots held them in their hands carefully. Duo then walked back to his place and picked up his snowball. "Alright, now pay attention. This part is important." Duo said as he rolled the snowball across the snow, causing it to pick up the snow off the ground and increase to about double its beginning size. "You see. If you just roll it across the snow, it picks up snow. All of you just do that until I say stop." Duo instructed and watched as the other pilots got to work.

Three hours later, all the pilots had finally finished their snowmen. It took eight carrots, a lot of rocks, and 41 different branches for the snowmen to be completed after a good deal of the supplies were broken, but finally they were all done. Out of all the snowmen, Heero's was probably the worst. The middle was much too small, the carrot nose was backwards and above the eyes, the three sets of arms Heero had added came out the head and the rocks used for the eyes made it look like the snowman was about to hurl and start dancing for joy at the same time.

Not to say that all the snowmen weren't downright awful. Oh no. All of them looked more like decorations you would use for Halloween than Christmas. Wufei had attempted to make his more life like and in the process ended up making the snowman look like it had been mauled by a dog with a grudge. Trowa had packed the snow too loosely which caused his snowman to collapse. And Quatre's was doomed to fail from the start. Quatre had insisted on trying to give his snowman legs because he said it creeped him out that none of the snowmen had legs. So Quatre had gone out and gotten two sticks then proceded to attempt to prop the main snowball he had wanted to use as a base up on the sticks, but 22 broken sticks later and Quatre finally realized that it probably wasn't going to work.

Oh yes. Duo had been right. His fellow pilots were extremely snowly retarded. In fact, Duo was just amazed that anyone could even be that bad at something so simple and commonplace. He wished he had a camera. He could probably make millions studying these people and their below adequate snow skills.

With a sigh, Duo looked at all the snowmen. "They look-...They look-" Duo said, struggling to find the right word to correctly describe the snowmen.

"Disfigured?" Quatre offered.

"Exactly." Duo said and nodded.

"Well maybe if someone gave better instructions..." Heero complained, glaring at Duo.

"Or maybe if you could just follow instructions right!" Duo said and then shrugged. "Oh well, no use crying over wasted snow. I say we head back inside and forget about Christmas spirit until tomorrow." Without waiting for a response, Duo began walking towards the safe house door, followed by the rest of the pilots who were arguing amongst themselves over who had done the worst.

About two hours later, all the pilots sat on the floor around the fireplace, sipping at hot chocolate.

Duo took a gulp of his drink and then smiled. "You know what? If our life was a story I think today would be the part in the book where it finally reveals the moral of the book."

"And dare I ask what that moral would be?" Wufei asked.

"Hm? Oh just that snowmen are normally made without legs for a reason." Duo said with a sly grin, ducking a blow from Quatre who was laughing.

"Well if I was a snowman, I would most certainly want legs!" Quatre shouted at Duo while laughing.

"Then let's all be glad you're not a snowman!" Duo said with a laugh.

"Come on. Can you really say that if you were a snowman, you wouldn't want legs?" Quatre protested.

Duo just laughed. "I'm the God of Death. I don't need legs to be awesome. But I would be a bit freaked out if I was a snowman that was able to a have an opinion on legs in the first place."

Quatre laughed and shoved Duo playfully.

Duo paused in laughing and looked around the room. "Hey, where did Heero go?" Duo asked, noticing for the first time that Heero was no longer present in the group.

"Right behind you." Duo suddenly heard a voice behind him say. Duo whipped around just quick enough to see Heero starting to turn over a bucket over his head. Then every thing turned white. And cold. Very cold.

Duo shook his head and sent snow flying off of his head. He was able to clear his vision and saw Heero standing off to the side, still holding a bucket and looking a bit too smug. The rest of the pilots were laughing hysterically.

Duo got to his feet, now shivering from the cold and shouted, "Hey! What was that for?"

The only one who wasn't laughing too hard to respond was Heero, who stepped forward and said, "It was merely in revenge for making us go out into the snow just to make disfigured blobs."

Duo laughed and leaned down, "Oh, is that so?" He said and then quickly scooped up a handful of the snow by his feet, lobbing it straight at Heero. But after the last night's fiasco Heero had learned that the pilots had a tendency to throw things when they were angry and was able to dodge this time. But what he didn't count on was the second handful of snow that had been thrown and managed to hit him directly in the face.

It was now Duo's turn to laugh as he collapsed to the ground in wild fits of laughter. "Okay. Okay. Even." Duo said in between laughs.

Heero just huffed and scraped some of the snow off his face which he dumped on Duo's head, only causing the braided pilot to laugh harder.

Everyday Heero was getting more and more certain of one simple fact: Insanity was a genetic trait of Americans. Who in their right mind would go out in freezing temperature to just put globs of snow together?

Heero was defiantly going to have to remember to report his finding on the subject to Doctor J after his 'vacation' was over with.

And now a word from our sponsor...

Ahh! I've never gotten up to five chapters before! This is the first time I've ever stuck with one series for so long. I'm so proud of myself. Not proud of this chapter but I'm still so happy. I would also like to thank all of you lovely people who have left me such nice comments on this. It really helped me to actually get past dreaded number four.

Even though I don't really like the end result, I loved getting to write about what goes on in Wufei's head. It's always fun to put words in people's brains.

But anyway, you may or may not notice that there was a part of this chapter that could either go in the Yoai direction or the Straight direction because when I had two friends read this they both had different views on it. One, who just so happens to be a 2x5 spaz, took this chapter to have serious hintings that Wufei was a bit light in the loafers. On the other hand my other friend, who couldn't really care about pairings either way because she just likes explosions, took this chapter to just to be confirming his uber straightness. And to tell the truth I didn't mean for it to be either. I can't write pairing stuff. I am forced, due to limited talent, to stick to the humor-but-not-really-actually-funny-but-you-laugh-anyway-just-to-make-the-writer-feel-better section. So take it whichever way you will.

Please leave me a comment giving me ideas! Writer's block is getting me off schedule!