Author's Note: It's been a while, hasn't it? Oh yes indeed. But whatwith things and quazzles and were-thingies always pestering me, it's no small surprise that I'm even still alive. Really.
One unfortunate
thing: this is a short story chapter, meaning there may be few "funny
haha" moments in there. I need to set some things up. ;)
The
Countdown to Imminent Doom: Ganondorf's Story
Chapter
Eleven
It was getting very dark, very dark indeed. But it was not a natural black dark blackness. No, Ganondorf knew, this was much more than it appeared to be. This was a premonition of doom.
But what? What secrets did this particular doom house? What sort of doom were we even talking about, anyway? There were many dooms to come in the near future: the doom of Hyrule, the doom of the Hero of Time, and the inevitable doom of the shadowy thing that had mocked him so fiercely.
But this doom that surrounded Ganondorf now was far colder than any of those other dooms. He fell to his knees as the doom took hold of him and used its sneaky Jedi tricks to cloud his mind. There was only one thing Ganondorf knew: he didn't want to die before he got some boob grabbage from the princess.
"Triforce," Ganondorf shivered. "Triforce!"
Knives stood in the middle of Hyrule Market. The residents were a bit fascinated by his fashion choices, but otherwise stayed their distance.
"LOL," he smiled. "LOL."
The never-ending dance of eternity had ceased minutes ago. It was very dark where Snargles was, very dark indeed. But this was good: when in ninja mode, the darker the better, Snargles had decided. To be in ninja mode was to be very still and very quiet. To be in ninja mode was to be ready to pounce on the first thing that moved. Ninja mode was All Systems Go. And Snargles had been in ninja mode for a long, long time.
And like any ninja who hadn't been able to flip out and kill someone in a long time, Snargles was becoming edgy. Edgy enough to SHANK A MAN. With his razor tail of Painful Whip +3 and Tooth/Claw Combo of +2, Snargles was an unstoppable shanking ninja machine.
Then, not but 3 meters ahead, something wiggled.
Shadowy Black Thing was having the Stomach Cramp of the Gods. He knew he had brought it upon himself with such an appetite, but it was still a damn good reason for self-pity. It was but a few moments ago that he was struck with a terror for achy than he had ever experienced. He puked up a few rupees into the nearby bush and hoped nobody would steal them before he could return. He needed to get them out of his system, now.
But this was no ordinary cure. There was only one way to rid oneself of the Stomach Cramp of the Gods, and it lay atop Death Mountain. Puke up the foul beasts into the molten liquid near the pinnacle, They Said, and you'll be rid of them forever.
Shadowy Thing considered his options. Yes, it was rather bright and hot up there, but it was also a very suitable place for an evil, shadowy thing to live. If he was lucky, he could kill two birds with one stone: rid himself of this cramp and find a new place to stay other than migrating around Kakariko.
Very well, he supposed. It would be fun to wreak havoc on a dormant volcano, after all.
Ganondorf shuddered. The doom had left and the sun was smiling and the birds were chirping and the bunnies were frolicking and everything.
"You! Stop right there!" Ganondorf leapt to his feet. There was a rogue bunny trying to blend in with the rest.
But Ganondorf was smarter than that. Real bunnies didn't have surveillance cameras on their heads unless they were Microsoft Bunnies – which this one was not. He jumped over, grabbed the spy, and lifted it up before it could hop merrily away.
"What is the meaning of this... Bunny?"
The fuzzy monitor was silent.
"BUNNY!" Ganondorf shook his captive violently. "RESISTANCE IS FUTILE."
But the bunny would have none of this. There was only so much abuse one furry animal would put up with, and he had been very patient already. This was a time for vengeance.
Ganondorf was eyeballing the bunny. "I know what secrets you hide."
"EEL!" the bunny's battle cry rang out as it launched itself at Ganondorf's face. Normally, there would be a fierce battle between man and bun-bun, but Ganondorf's Melee training had taught him that a simple roll and grab combo would be sufficient against this noob. But this bunny was lightning fast – much faster than predicted. By the time Ganondorf reached from behind, the bunny was already out of range.
But something besides Ganondorf's aim was amiss: dragging stealthily behind the bunny was a thick black cord, now visible as it was being pulled along behind the camera-laden attack beast. A quick yank not only resulted in the camera jerking back, but the bunny along with it. As it hit the ground, it seemed very tired and fell asleep.
Ganondorf felt guilty. Normally he would coo at such fuzzy cute things, but he felt no need. Where was his life going? Was he really such a merciless tyrant that he would steal cameras from defenseless critters? He wondered what would happen if he continued down such a terrible path.
Then he remembered the cord he was holding in his hand. He had never seen a bunny-compatible AC adaptor before, but he wasn't up-to-date on the kid's new-fangled toys these days. Back in his day, bunnies ran on batteries.
But in any case, Ganondorf disliked the idea that someone was using a camerabunny to watch him. Penance must be paid. He began to follow the cord, watching out for other small woodland creatures who may be more than they seemed. There was this one rock who was looking at him funny, but Ganondorf credited that to the bad weather they hadn't had (rocks love rain). He had heard that he should let bygones by bygones, so he bid it adieu and it was gone.
He was slowly led to a small boulder near the edge of a large grove of trees. The cord, which was apparently quite agile, managed to disappear underneath it. After circling said small boulder, Ganondorf deduced it was either an outlet in disguise (possible), or there was something hidden underneath it (more likely). Calculating odds like this always made Ganondorf uneasy (in school, statistics made him sweat), but there were few choices in this scenario.
End result: move the boulder.
"...Where are my Power Gloves?"
Little did Ganondorf know that there was a ninja not but 20 feet below, unaware of his approach.
Inky was hot, scared, and bleeding. Breath came in short gasps. Everything was dark. The demons were relentless. Soon it was all over for him.
Chapter Eleven: End
Note: Alright, so last chapter when I said it would be longer, I lied.