Disclaimer:I do not own Gundam Wing. And anyone who thinks I do has obviously been drinking too much of 'Upscale British' Quatre's tea (long story, don't ask).

Author's Notes: My friend and I got to talking and we wondered what the pilots Christmas letters to Santa would look like and then VIOLA! This was born from the mayhem. Never mind the fact that they all probably don't believe in Santa. Let us fan girls have our moments, thank you. But this is probably my most favorite of all story arches. I just can't wait for chapter 12! It's gonna' be so great. I am really tempted to skip all chapters in front of it and just go straight to it. But if I did that it would completely ruin the ending and the ending wouldn't make sense anymore.

Oh and another thing. I am NOT on drugs. Thank you.

Warnings: Major stupidity! Christmas cheer. Minor mild language. Author probably drunk on eggnog but that's what makes things fun anyways.

'On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Five drunken pilots.'

"Hey guys!" Duo shouted while coming in through the back door of the safe house. "I got another Christmas surprise!"

All the pilots sitting in the main room glanced towards the kitchen, where Duo could be heard. They weren't sure if they should be grateful that Duo made it back safely from buying supplies or wish that OZ had captured him before he could make it back with his 'Christmas surprise'. Wufei just shot Quatre an 'I told ya' so' look and then went back to reading his book. He had warned Quatre against sending Duo out with the grocery list. Oh yes. He had warned him long and loud. But had Quatre listened? Of course not. They never listen.

Suddenly Duo burst into the living room with two large, paper grocery bags in his hands. With a large smile on his face, Duo dropped the bags on the table in the center of the room.

Quatre sighed and got to his feet to go inspect the contents of the bags. He just knew Wufei was going to rub his nose in this later. And so was Trowa. Trowa had warned him against his choice too, just in more subtle ways than Wufei.

Cartons. That was all that Quatre saw. Quatre slowly reached into the bag to pull out one of the cartons as Duo watched on, smiling. Quatre read the label which said 'Eggnog'.

Shoot. He could already hear Wufei snickering in the background. Quatre silently thanked Allah that Trowa was in his room doing stretches. He really didn't think he could have two people laughing at him at the same time.

With a sigh, Quatre turned to Duo and said, "Duo, the list said to buy lettuce, milk, cheese, ground beef, coffee, water, and chips. I don't see any of those things in here."

Duo just laughed. "We don't need those things! What we really needed was this!" Duo shouted, snatching the carton away from Quatre and holding it up for all to see. "Eggnog! The drink of the Christmas time gods!"

Quatre could hear Wufei's snickers become all out laughter, even the normally quiet Heero had joined in Wufei's laugh-at-Quatre-palooza.

Maybe Christmas was overrated like Trowa was constantly suggesting.

Quatre groaned and took the carton back from Duo. "Duo what we really needed were supplies."

Duo just smiled and started to walk to the kitchen, waving off Quatre's protests nonchalantly. "Well I got supplies, they're just different ones than what you asked for. Artistic improvisation!"

"But Duo, now I'm just gonna' have to go out and buy more supplies." Quatre whined. Was it just his imagination or was the laughing getting louder. Nope. The laughing was definitely getting louder.

Duo laughed, "It's cool Quat. I'll get them later." He then entered the kitchen and a loud rummaging sound could be heard from the living room.

Quatre sighed and flopped back down into his seat. Whatever Duo had cooked up with this 'Eggnog' stuff, it probably wasn't going to turn out well especially since they had very little food. No. Scratch that. They had no food other than some oyster crackers ever since lunch and Quatre did not feel like foraging. Foraging was most certainly not his 'thing' as Duo would say. Despite being a gundam pilot and having been trained to live under all conditions, he was still not a live off the land type person.

He needed groceries.

"I told you so." Wufei said to Quatre through his laughter.

Quatre sent a glare over to Wufei and growled, "Whatever Duo is up to, you're going to be the first to try it." He then smirked as the laughter immediately died on Wufei's lips.

Wufei shot a glare straight back at Quatre and hissed, "It was your idea for Duo to be the shopper Winner. So it should be your neck on the line here. Not mine."

"Duo is the one here who blends in the easiest." Quatre shot back, "He was the most obvious choice."

Wufei just huffed moodily. His honor wouldn't let him continue this argument if he was in the wrong. And he knew he was. Quatre most defiantly had a point. But didn't mean he couldn't pout about it...wait. Not pout. Guys didn't pout. Sulk about it. Much more masculine and rugged.

But that didn't mean he was going to be Duo's guinea pig.

Just as he was about to tell Quatre so, Duo burst back into the room bearing cups and yelling, "Alright everyone gets a cup and you all have to drink it. I swear this isn't like the fruit cake!" He then shoved a cup in all the other's hands, whether they wanted to accept the gift or not.

Heero stared down suspiciously at the milky tan liquid as if it might explode at any moment and turn into an OZ soldier. "How can we trust you?" Heero asked dubiously.

Duo faked a hurt look and glanced over at Heero. "Now Hee-man, if you can't trust me with this, how ever will you be able to trust me on the battle field."

Heero just glared over at Duo and set his drink on the side table. "I don't trust you on the battle field. I only trust myself and the orders I have been given." He growled.

Duo sighed, almost expecting that response. "Fair enough. I can't say I feel any differently. But honestly, you have to trust me at least a little, or else you would've shot me by now." Duo said with a smirk, knowing what he said had struck home when Heero picked up his drink and downed half of it in one gulp.

As if having been just waiting for Heero's reaction, the other two pilots took drinks from their own cups, though being more careful about doing so.

All of them had different expressions on their faces. Quatre looked pleasantly surprised at the taste. Wufei still looked as if he were being poisoned. Heero looked as if he wasn't sure what to think. And Duo just had a large grin on his face as he drank straight from the carton before pouring himself a cup.

Quatre looked over at Duo as he walked over to sit next to him on the couch. "So what is this stuff? It is actually pretty good." He said, taking another drink from his cup.

Duo laughed and leaned back. "I already told you!" He exclaimed, "Eggnog! Best drink in the world. The sweepers gave it to me once and I've loved it ever since."

Wufei took another cautious drink, and then looked over at Duo. "I actually have to agree with Winner on this. It is actually pretty good. What is it made of?"

Duo just shrugged and took another long drink from his cup. "I dunno'. Eggs?" Duo chuckled at the 'hilarity' of his own statement and then finished off his cup.

"And how many cartons of this stuff do we have?" Heero asked, almost afraid of the answer.

Duo shrugged again and slurred, "I dunno'. I know I bought fourteen but I think I drank about two on the way home."

Quatre about choked on his drink as he looked over in shock at Duo. "But that must have cost you all the money I gave you!" Quatre yelled in surprise.

"Don't worry Quatre. It was buy one get two free." Duo responded cheerily, "It only cost me like 1/8 of the money you gave me. It was a clearance sale."

"Sale?"

Duo blanched and about dropped his drink. "What do you mean, 'Sale?'" Duo asked, mimicking Quatre's voice.

"What is it?" Quatre asked innocently, "Is it another Christmas tradition?"

Duo shook his head and downed the contents of his cup, pouring himself some more. He was most certainly going to need more of it. "No Quat. It isn't a part of Christmas. A sale is the sort of thing that us poor folk appreciate. It is where people in the store lower the prices of select materials."

"Oh." Quatre murmured. He defiantly wasn't one who would get the marvels of a 'sale'. Not with his generous allowance from his sisters each month.

"Alright! Who needs more?" Duo shouted out with a cheery smile, still holding the carton in his hands from when he had poured himself more.

Wufei looked down at his cup and wondered if he should take Duo up on his offer or hide his empty cup behind his back. He was pretty sure that if Maxwell had poisoned his drink he could probably take about one cup full of it. He then sighed and realized even if he shoved the cup down his pants that Duo would find a way to refill it and then force feed the sweet tasting liquid down his throat even if it killed him. It was probably smarter not to resist and give in. Wufei reluctantly offered up his cup to Duo, who promptly refilled it.

Heero, determined not to be shown up by Wufei also offered up his cup. If anyone was going to drink the most here it would most certainly be him. He could take the most of Maxwell's poison. Or certainly more than Wufei.

Wufei noticed the competitive look in Heero's eye and glared over at the other Asian pilot. He was most certainly the most durable of the two. He would show Doctor J how 'perfect' his little soldier boy/lapdog was! Wufei quickly downed the contents of his cup and sent Heero a smirk.

Heero was a bit shocked at justice boy's actions and in response to the obvious challenge he quickly downed the contents of his own cup and shot Wufei a smirk.

Both Duo and Quatre were watching the pair with interested expressions. Neither of them knew Heero to be competitive. That was more Wufei's thing. And even then it was never over something so trivial as who could drink more of Duo's mystery drink. It was normally over things like who could shoot more Ozies in the least amount of time.

Duo quickly tried to keep up in refilling both their cups all the while trying to refill both his and Quatre's cup whenever they happened to be empty.

About two hour and ten cartons of eggnog later all of them sat around, giggling like idiotic girls. Each recounting amusing points in their lives. Basically, they all seemed to be...drunk.

"And then I walked in to find Doctor J and O and they were...Pffft." Suddenly Heero broke down into fits of laughter along with the other three pilots.

"Where was this?" Quatre asked with rapt attention.

"On a trip to L3!" Heero said with another loud laugh.

Suddenly Duo waved a hand to signal everyone to be quiet. "Ooo! I got a game!"

Wufei groaned and laughed, "Please not that Hide and Seek suggestion again."

Duo just laughed and shook his head. "It's not! Ten times better Chang! Just wait!" Duo exclaimed, before getting to his feet and racing to his room, stumbling a few times and then coming back with a large jingling bag.

"What's that?" Quatre asked, laughing as Duo stumbled into his seat.

"Quarters!" Duo shouted with a large grin and dumped the contents of the bag on the table. Out spewed a large amount of quarters and he then sorted them out so that each pilot had about twenty along with a separate pile. "Hey Quat go get Big T." Duo said with a grin.

"Why me?" Quatre whined, wanting to inspect the shiny coins dumped in front of him.

"'Cause he likes you best." Duo said and shoved Quatre up out of his chair.

Quatre grumbled but caved to Duo's will and went off to Trowa's room. Quatre pounded on Trowa's door and shouted out, "Hey Big T, Duo says you gotta' play a game." Quatre then laughed as the door was swung open to reveal a very confused Trowa.

"Big T?" Trowa asked, already following Quatre out into the living room. Trowa finally decided that Quatre was spending way too much time with Duo and from that day forward he would prevent contact between the two at all costs.

Quatre dragged Trowa over to the couch by the hand and led him to an empty spot on the couch before grinning at Duo and saying, "Got him."

"Good job Quat. Now we can play 'I never...' Best game ever!" Duo shouted with a large grin on his face.

Trowa just groaned and looked over at Duo, "Is that why you had Quatre force me out of my room? For a game?"

"Yep." Duo smiled and handed him a glass of eggnog before continuing his description of the game. "Alright, what ya' do is you say something that you have never done. And then who ever has done that tosses a coin over to the person who said it. Simple enough right?"

He grinned as all the others nodded and Trowa took a cautious sip of his drink.

"Alright then." Duo shouted, "I'll start. I've never ridden a bike. You next 'Ro."

Quatre looked horrified over at Duo as he and Trowa both threw him a quarter.

Heero thought for a moment, trying to figure out how to best get coins before saying, "I've never gotten a tattoo." He knew from seeing Duo walk around in his boxers that he did have one in the shape of a scythe and a grave stone with the number two on the grave along with a large cross on his leg and then bat wings on his shoulder blades but was still mildly surprised when both Quatre and Trowa both threw him a coin along with Duo's.

Duo just snickered and leered at both Trowa and Quatre, "What you got and where at?"

Quatre blushed and lifted up his pants to reveal a grinning moon and the number four on his ankle. Trowa just shook his head and said, "That is no business of your's Maxwell." Before taking another sip of his drink.

Duo just snickered and said, "It's of something vulgar isn't it?"

Trowa just sighed and shook his head. But it was his turn and he thought for a few seconds. "I have never kissed a girl."

Duo laughed and slapped his knee before throwing in a coin. Wufei also threw in a coin. But then the one that shocked him was Quatre, who also threw in a coin. Noticing the stares he was getting, Quatre just shrugged and said, "Sisters on the cheek."

Wufei sighed and then thought for a moment. "I have never been accused of talking too much." He said with a smirk in Duo's direction. Duo just growled and threw him a coin. "I'll get you for that Chang."

Next was Quatre. "I have never piloted a gundam other than my own." Heero glared at Quatre, knowing that question had been meant to get him specifically as he threw Quatre a coin.

Duo smirked. This was his big chance to get Wufei back and he had no intentions of wasting it. "I have never been married." Wufei growled and threw Duo a coin. He would get Maxwell back.

Quatre looked wide eyed at Wufei. "You've been married!?"

"Drop it Winner." Wufei growled and crossed his arms.

Finally, it was back to Heero again and he thought for a moment before saying, "I have never gone to school for anything other than a mission." Duo sighed and threw a coin to Heero, along with Trowa, Quatre and Wufei. Heero smirked as all the other four pilots threw him coins, which he recieved a playful shove for from Duo.

The game continued like that for about two hours with Duo constantly having more coins than anyone else and it eventually turned into something like strip poker where you had to take off clothes instead of giving up coins. Duo had only had to strip off his shirt after gaining everything back. Trowa had lost everything but his underwear. Quatre had to take off both shoes and socks and then his shirt. Heero was down to his spandex shorts. And Wufei had nothing but the skin he was born in. When suddenly Trowa stopped drinking his drink and looked at it curiously. "Duo what did you say this drink was called?" He asked Duo suspiciously.

"Um. Eggnog. Why?" Duo said with a glance in Trowa's direction, who was currently in nothing but boxers.

"You do know that is alcoholic right?" He asked. He could defiantly feel the effects of the alcohol as he felt his mind begin to loosen and secrets felt like they were about to leap from his throat.

Duo looked over at Trowa and smiled. "Well if I didn't know when I bought it, I certainly figured it out when the game turned into a strip tease and then when Wufei said we should get a pole and start to earn money! And if I hadn't figured it out by then, I think that the fact that they all collapsed would have been a dead giveaway." Duo said with a wide grin.

Trowa was shocked. More than shocked. He quickly glanced over to the other three and saw that Duo had been telling the truth and that they were all in fact dead asleep. "You're a sly little devil." He finally managed.

Duo just smirked, "I know." He then got up from his seat and yawned. "Now I'm gonna' crash. Night Tro'. Watch out for hangovers. They'll kill ya'." With that said he began to trek to his room, leaving poor, dumbfounded Trowa in the living room.

Trowa was no longer certain if the pilot of Deathscythe was entirely sane. Or maybe he just had too much Christmas spirit.

And now a word from our sponsor...

Yes, I know. I caved in with my own standards and had them play a game. Shame on me. I feel horrible. And I also need to remember to give Trowa some show time.

But as for the fact that Duo was able to buy alcohol without a license is a long story that I don't care to relate here and now. In other words, I don't know how he pulled it off. Just humor me and say he did. Just this once.

And I am so surprised I've never seen the nickname 'Big T' before. I really am. It was actually brought up by a friend of mine when we decided to call the G Boys nothing but ridiculous nicknames until someone actually said something about it (the game ended when I thought up 'Wu-diddy' and then ended again when someone commented on my friend's 'DJ Master D').

And also I LOVE YOU PEOPLE. Did you know I've gotten 760 people to read this!? I about had a heart attack. I love humanity right now! Absolutely love them! Especially the portion of humanity that commented. That is like my favorite portion of humanity. That is the portion of humanity that I would send a Christmas present if I actually knew where they lived and had money to buy things. I want a sale! I've got double digit comments! But enough of my rambling. I'm sorry I'm late.

I guess I can rule out getting this story finished before Christmas Day. Buh.

Please comment and give me ideas. Writer's block is getting me behind schedule.