Disclaimer: I own kaput (nothing). (the made up characters belong to Smackthedog)
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CHAPTER THREE : JANUARY
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"Well," Ward said as he and Irvine arrived at their new "Home". "We're in this together, so—"
Irvine automatically broke out into song. "Oh, we're all in this togeth—" Ward grabbed his neck. "—theeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."
"NO. There will be none of that, cowboy. Now listen up." Ward smacked him good and hard to make sure he was listening. "Here's the run down on the house. First floor had kitchen, dining room, living room, master bedroom, and a bathroom. I live down here."
"Right, so where do I live?"
"Upstairs has three bedrooms, a bathroom, a study, and stairs to—"
"Right, but where do I live?"
"—The attic."
"Well, duh, where else would they go? But seriously, where do I live?"
"The attic."
"What?"
"Okay then, the basement. Take your pick."
"Why can't I just up on the second floor? I'd only come down for meals and stuff."
"Hmm…" As Ward thought about it, Irvine picked his nose. (Ward's, not his.) "CUT THAT OUT!!" The butcher grabbed the cowboy's hand and squeezed it until he heard a satisfying crunch. "Sure. Now get your ass upstairs."
"Can I-"
"I don't care what you do, just stay up there!"
"Right!" Irvine grabbed the bag of stuff that he had robbed earlier. "I mean…SIR YES SIR!!" He saluted Ward and got a bonk on the head.
It had been around five when they had gotten home and not it was about nine thirty. Irvine had been quiet this whole time and Ward figured that he must have gone right to sleep. "Time for me to get in bed too." He muttered as he made his way to his bedroom.
As he was falling asleep, he couldn't help but wonder why the heck Irvine was being so quiet. It was against his nature. In the end he got up and went upstairs. He checked the two bedrooms and the bathroom but Irvine was still missing. The third bedroom, which was at the end of the hall and the furthest away from the stairs, was locked.
Luckily, Ward had a key.
As he opened the door he muttered about all of the horrible things he was going to do to the stupid cowboy. He swung the door open.
"Alright Irv-"
Irvine was gone.
Ward didn't understand it. The door was locked, the window was locked. He looked around the room. There wasn't anything strange about the bed or dresser. The only other thing in the room was a mirror, which was firmly held in place in the wall. It just didn't make sense. Was it possible that Irvine had snuck out while Ward wasn't paying attention?
"That's impossible." Ward muttered to himself as he went to check the study. "My Sixth Sense would've been going off like crazy."
The door to the study was unlocked and open a few inches. Ward swung it open cautiously, half expecting there to be a bucket of water or something nasty up there. Turned out he had nothing to worry about, so he stepped inside. The study was empty too.
Ward ran back downstairs (RUN CHUBBY RUN!!) and checked the rest of the rooms and the basement.
Irvine had simply disappeared.
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Meanwhile, about twelve feet underground, Irvine was attempting to dig a tunnel to Chirese's house. He sat the pickaxe on the dirt floor and leaned at against the wall. The tunnel wasn't very high, so he had to crouch and crawl on his hands and knees while holding the pickaxe in his teeth. (Just joking). Why was he using a pickaxe? Simple, the plastic spoons broke.
Irvine let out a big gust of air that made a shrunken Squall, who was flying in a shrunken Ragnarok, go sailing into the other side of the tunnel and have to eject or die in the collision. (That's my shout out to Sir Shrink-a-lot!) He had been digging for several hours now and had only come about three miles.
He sighed again, this time sending a shrunk Rinoa to the same fate as Squall. Maybe he had should have done more research. He wasn't even sure if the map was right.
(Maybe I should rewind and let you know how this came to be.
When Ward had chased him upstairs, the first thing Irvine had done was picked a room. He'd chosen the one furthest down the hall for a number of reasons:
It was the furthest from the stairs. He had some bad memories of stairs. They were part of the reason he was insane.
It was right above Ward's room, so he figured that he could annoy Ward without breaking any rules.
It had a bathroom joining it, so he wouldn't have to go near the stairs.
And now there was a fourth reason, the mirror opened into a tunnel that was suppose to go to the other house. Problem was, the "tunnel" was really just a secret route to twelve feet below the basement. It ended there.
Irvine had started off with several plastic spoons (which were always recommended by cartoon characters.), after he had gone a few miles they all broke at the same time. He then continued the rest of the way using his hands (and sometimes his face), until he found the pickaxe, then he finished the last half a mile until he was were he is now, exactly three miles to the next house.)
Now he guessed that it was getting pretty late and decided to head back to the ladder that led up to the mirror in his room. If he hurried, he had time for a shower before ten.
Ward decided that Irvine would show up sooner or later and went back to bed. he was just falling asleep when he heard the upstairs shower come on.
Oh, good. He thought, Irvine must be back. I'll break his other hand tomorrow.
He was drifting back to sleep when suddenly he heard:
"ARE YOU FEELING FIIIIIINE
LA LALALA LA LA LALA
LA LALALA LA LA LALA
SHE SAID, LOVING YOU MADE ME HAPPY
EVERYYYYYYYYYYYYYY DAY-HAY!
BLAH BLAHBLAHBLAH BLAH BLAH BLAHBLAH
I DON'T KNOW JAPANEEEESEE…"
Ward got up again and went upstairs to kill Irvine. When he threw open the door to Irvine's bathroom, all he remembers is a loud, piercing shriek, and then an assortment of items attacked him; rubber duckies, towels, sponges, bottles of shampoo, bars of soap, and the towel rod as well. He quickly ducked back out and slammed the door.
"Dumb cowboy!" Ward yelled into the door.
"At least I'm a cowboy and not a cow!" Came the reply.
Ward felt the anger welling up inside him. That stupid little turd! He tried opening the door again but Irvine had surprisingly gotten smart and locked it for a change. Damn him! Ward had left his key downstairs.
"You just wait you little bastard!"
"I thought I was a cowboy! Make up you mind!"
As Ward turned to go, Irvine's voice followed him downstairs, "MOOOO. MOOOOOOOO. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTA! MOOMOO—" There was a loud crash as Irvine slipped on the soap and did a back flip into the tub as the shower nozzle fell on him and turned on just as the downstairs toilet flushed. OUCH.
Coincidence? I think not. CoughWardCough.
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"Irvine! Get up you dumbass!" Ward's voice echoed throughout the house early the next day. "You've got some assignments!"
Assignments? What he hell…? Was Irvine's thought as he rolled out of bed, forgetting that he wasn't sleeping in his own close to the floor bed, and did a face plant on the hard wood floor. PAIN.
After he got dressed he went downstairs to see Ward all dressed and looking like he was ready to go somewhere.
"Where are you going?" Irvine asked as he stuck his head in the fridge.
"I have a job you know," Ward told him. "Now listen up, you are not allowed to leave this house. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I've set up one of those electric fences around the house. So don't try anything, okay?"
"You getting a dog or something?" Irvine asked after gulping down the rest of the milk. "You're gonna' want to buy some more of that today."
"No," Ward said as he opened the electric collar. "I'm not getting a dog."
"WHAT?"
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The small black cat darted from trash can to trash can, making sure he wasn't seen. He was all black except for his yellow paws. He also had yellow at the tip of his ears and tail, which was slightly singed.
Seeing Ward leave the house and get in the car, the cat darted under the deck, waiting until the car drove out of sight. He then began scratching at the door, meowing loudly. When no one came to the door, he ran over the kitchen window and began scratching on that.
Inside he could see Irvine burning himself as he tried to toast a pop-tart. The cat meowed louder. Irvine finally looked up and came to the window. That's when the cat noticed IT. The blue collar around Irvine's neck. Then the cat also looked out to the yard, seeing the little stakes in the ground, marking the electric fence.
NO WAY. The cat thought as Irvine let him in.
"'Sup, Cat?" Irvine asked as he closed the window. "What are you doing here?"
"Just visiting." The cat replied casually. "Did he really…?"
"Yeah…" Irvine said, glaring down at the collar around his neck. "So, why's your tail smokin'?"
"Fujine decided to have a Barbecue with me as the main course. I just escaped in fact."
"Raymond?"
"Yes."
Irvine stared at his friend for a moment. Then burst out laughing. "Y-YOU'RE A CAT! A FRIGGIN' CAT! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT'S HILARIOUS!"
"WHAT's hilarious? I think the fact that Ward got that collar around your BIG AIRHEAD!"
"EXCUSE ME?"
"ANYMORE GAS IN THAT THING AND YOU'D FLOAT AWAY!"
"OH SHUT UP!"
"NO!" Raymond slapped Irvine with his pay.
"Hey!" Irvine slapped the cat.
Slapslapslapslapslapslapslapslapslapslapslapslapslap!
Slapslapslapslapslapslapslap!
Just then, Laguna decided to walk by.
"Good God boy, why're you slapping a cat?"
"Laguna, this guy has been pushing me and pushing me, and I can't take it anymore."
"Whoa." Laguna looked up at the sky. "Where did that come from?"
"I don't know…I think maybe I saw that in a movie once or something, so I said it automatically."
"Good bye!" Laguna jogged away.
Raymond took this moment to slap Irvine again.
"Okay, I'm done." He said. "Wanna' come outside?"
"Sure." As soon as he took one step out the door, he was electrocuted. At this same time, Ward drove up, spooking Raymond, who ran away. As he walked back into the house, Irvine muttered to himself. "This is going to be a long year…"
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Raymond stopped by again, this time coming in through Irvine's window. He said he had good news.
"What? Am I gonna' get released early?" Irvine asked hopefully.
Raymond prepared to launch himself out the window. "Not YOU." Then he disappeared into the night.
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTT?!?!!?!?"
- End January -