I Knew Him When chapter 4
Adam Kadmon
Disclaimer: this one's going to get a little strange… I don't own Eva
"I was one of the first to come back," Aoba Shigeru said. "When I returned, there were already a few others, a couple dozen maybe, and nobody was real calm. A lot of people thought it was hell. I couldn't blame them for that belief, and I didn't rub it in their faces when they finally knew better. Survival, fear of death… it'll make you live. Even in the worst possible scenarios. We realized that pretty quickly. That wasn't to say it was peaceful. No. Murder, rape, theft, assault… it was all there. People were afraid. They were terrified. I didn't blame them."
"How did you survive?" Mana asked him.
Aoba looked around his house, as if searching for an answer. It was sparsely decorated, only the bare necessities to keep from going mad. The most dominant feature was an old guitar mounted on the wall above a window, like some trophy. Mana found it sad, someway.
"We survived because we had to," he told her. "Nobody was willing to die again. It was the one thing we all had in common. Differences… they were still there, but after awhile, they didn't seem to matter as much. Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of people I wanted to kill but I didn't. Every so often I'd see a military guy in full uniform… that damned black armor… but I kept it together, somehow. I kept it together. We… I mean, survivors from NERV, we banded together, helped out as much as people would let us. Penance, I suppose. We did what we could."
"When did you see the pilots?"
"Asuka and Shinji… I think they were the first ones back. I don't know why. It just seemed right. It made sense."
Why it made sense was something he kept to himself.
"I'd see them once in awhile. Out at the edges of the camps, walking, or just gazing out at something. There were… a lot of things to look at back then. Out in the sea…" Aoba shivered. "But they were usually together. Asuka and Shinji. Not holding hands, or anything. Just… near each other."
"Were they in love?"
"No… I don't think so… it was like they were resigned to each other. It was sad, watching them."
"Were they lovers?" Mana asked.
Aoba reflected on the question.
"I doubt it. I mean, they were only fourteen."
Mana had forgotten that.
"They stayed close to each other though," Aoba continued. "Even after other people started to come back. They were both… faded. Well, Shinji was never a go get em' type guy, but Asuka… it was like her fire had been extinguished." He frowned. "I won't pretend to know what happened to them during the Impact…" He made sure to use the popular terminology. "…but it couldn't have been good."
He sighed.
"They'd barely ever talk, even to me, even to other NERV personnel. They kept to themselves. I don't know if they talked to each other, or just kept silent about the whole thing. There were a lot of things between those two. Even at such a young age, there were a lot of things going on." Aoba sighed again. "They lived away from everyone else, by themselves. Nobody ever tried to bring them into the fold, not after they found out who they were. I don't know. I should've tried, made more of an effort to reach out to them. But I was… I don't know. I resented them at first. Like it was their fault." He shook his head. "Selfishness was a common malady back then. I suppose it still is."
Mana nodded, making a note.
"Do you still resent them, Aoba-san?"
"No. It didn't last long, not for me. I guess… I was angry, at the situation. I had felt that they, the Children I mean, had failed. They were supposed to save humanity from a fate like this, and they failed. I was bitter. I… I never wanted to die."
Mana held her tongue, sensing he wasn't finished.
"One day, I don't remember when… those days seemed to run into each other… one day I was out walking, and I stumbled onto Shinji. He was bringing groceries to his and Asuka's home, in a burnt out old apartment complex. He was walking along a ruined road, not really watching where he was going, and he tripped. It looked painful, but he just picked himself up, and kept going. I mean, his arms were bleeding, badly, but he just… kept going. But then the bag he was carrying, the bottom ripped open, and all the food he had spilled out. He… he just looked at it, then, real subtle like, he started crying. Not… not gut-wrenching sobs, just a little crying. He started picking it all up, but he didn't have anything to carry them in. So he left most of it. As he walked away, he was still crying."
Aoba closed his eyes.
"It was then I reminded myself he was just a kid. It… it took me that long to remember that. Somewhere along the way, when he was risking his life everyday, fighting, I forgot that." He scoffed. "Like fighting can make your age vanish. Like it'll solve all the problems of youth. God… he was just a kid…"
"So you forgave him?"
"There was nothing to forgive anymore. Not from me. I mean, I didn't rush over to him and try to be his friend. That wasn't something you did back then. Not to anybody. But… in my heart… I tried to see the world from his point of view. Something I'd never done before. Not even… not even before."
"Did you ever have any contact with him after that day on the road?"
"Every so often Shinji would talk to me. He'd ask if major Katsuragi had returned yet, or Ayanami Rei." He shook his head. "They never did. I'd have to tell him that every time, and he'd just sort of look off, out at the sea, nodding to himself. He'd thank me each time, apologizing for taking up my time, and shuffle away. It… it always made me hate myself, just a little bit more each time he did that. It was like he knew they'd never come back, but he kept asking. Kept hoping. No, hope isn't the right word. It was futile, hopeless. But he just had to keep asking."
Aoba blew out a breath.
"I remember one day, I was walking along the beach, half searching for new survivors, half trying to get lost myself, when I found a grave. Not a real grave, there was no body of course, but a marker. It was a wooden cross, with a necklace hanging off it. I stayed there, just looking at it for the longest time. Not really wondering who made it, or why, but the necklace… I'd seen it before somewhere. But for the life of me, I just couldn't place it. Eventually I headed back to camp. I didn't take the necklace, it was a cross, too. I figured whoever made it had a good reason.
"The next day Shinji found me, asking about the major and Rei. I had to crush him again. That was when I remembered. I ran back to the grave. It was still there. The necklace was the major's. It was Katsuragi's. She… must have given it to Shinji. On… that day…"
"That day? You mean the Impact?" Mana asked.
Aoba stared off to the side. He scratched his hand. He stayed silent.
"You're not going to tell me what happened that day, are you?" she asked.
Aoba almost laughed.
"No, I'm not. If I didn't tell anyone before you, what hope do you have? Sorry. I don't mean to seem cruel, but I owe those children more than I can ever give. That was what I remembered when I came back, more than anything else. That my life belongs to them. And if I could help them, in any way, I would. I'm sorry, Dr. Kirishima. I know you're only doing your job, but so am I."
The rest of the survivors from NERV told a similar story. Anyone who did decide to speak about the Impact spun a dark tale, about the military's indiscriminant mowing down of unarmed people, a liquidation. Some recalled odd words like destrudo, or anti-AT field, or Terminal Dogma. No one could elaborate beyond breaking into tears, or clutching their heads and screaming.
Even the military who returned gave disparate tales. They were to contain the Evangelions, and "secure" the pilots. They glossed over the butchering of NERV, they all did, even those who hated the organization. Mana didn't press them.
No one could accurately describe what happened after the red unit's destruction, save one commander who swore on his life he witnessed the devil rising from NERV's pyramidal main structure.
The rest of NERV's survivors, like Aoba, were under house arrest. Locked away under guard and key, to be used only when an investigator like Mana decided it was time to question them again. The results were always the same. She hated grilling them like this, they had gone through enough as it was, but she couldn't refute the fact that hearing it firsthand gave her an advantage over those who relied solely on reports.
Mana glanced over the list of survivors again, placing a check next to Aoba Shigeru. The rest of the names were likewise marked, and she turned to the next page. She briefly recalled the rest of the higher-ups at NERV, wishing she could speak with Fuyutsuki Kouzo, or Hyuuga Makoto, or Ibuki Maya. Akagi Ritsuko and Katsuragi Misato were two names that came up almost every time as well. All were gone, dead, or deep within whatever dream the bloody seas gave them. Those, as well as two other names everyone mentioned, but were afraid to speak of.
Ikari Gendo and Ayanami Rei.
Mana shook it off. Those two hadn't returned yet, and probably never would. That was the impression she'd received over the last few dozen interviews. Best not to trouble herself with them. Besides, there were only two names left on the list. Only two, but two which would grant her more knowledge than all the rest combined. She read over the first, and decided now was as good a time as any to check up on her.
On Soryu Asuka Langley.
It was a nicer house than Aoba's. That was the first thought that struck Mana as she pulled up to Asuka's residence. She'd asked the guard at the gate about it, but all she'd told her was it was necessary.
The house was large, ostentatious even, with a meticulously cared for garden that arched around the driveway, entrance to exit. All the shutters were open, the doors, too. The architecture and design were typical military: efficient, to the point, lacking in creativity. Yet the drapes and flowers that highlighted the passable features made a very homey feel, rich, elegant, unique. Mana felt like she was pulling up to interview a celebrity.
Two more guards greeted her at the front door, stepping to either side to allow her access. Mana showed her credentials again, wondering if all this security was really needed.
"Go on in, Dr. Kirishima," one guard said. "You'll find Soryu in the sitting room, off to the left of the main hall. A guard will be with you the whole time, so don't feel afraid."
"Should I be afraid?" Mana asked, half-smiling.
"Normally, yes. Soryu doesn't really like women all that much. Not that you'd be in any real danger, but it's important to remember."
Mana looked around her.
"Um… could I ask you something?"
"Of course, doctor," the agent said.
"Well, why are all the guards here women?"
The agent shifted.
"Soryu got too friendly with the male ones."
"Welcome to my humble abode," Asuka said, with a flourish of her good arm. "Please, take a seat, doctor. You must be tired after your trip."
Mana blinked.
"Oh, thank you. I hope this isn't an inconvenience for you, Asuka-san."
"Please, call me Soryu-san, doctor."
"Oh, sorry. Of course." Mana sat, gazing at the goddess across from her. Asuka was gorgeous, easily supermodel class beauty, and she carried it with ease and grace. The scars were a pity. Her left eye was fused shut, gone, the eyebrow severed in two. She didn't try to hide it in any way, but seemed to flaunt it, daring anyone to mention it. Mana kept her own eyes on Asuka's good blue one.
"So," the former pilot said, still wearing her strange smile, "I take it you're here to learn about Third Impact."
"Y-yes, Soryu-san, if you don't mind."
"Why would I mind?" She flipped her luxurious long hair over her shoulder with her right arm, the loose blouse she was wearing falling back to reveal a long, perfect scar running down her limb from between her fingers. "You're only the three-hundredth and seventeenth person to question me about it. And only the twenty-eighth female." Her smile widened. "I do believe the female doctors are afraid of me. Are you, Dr. Kirishima?"
"I have no reason to be, Soryu-san."
Asuka frowned slightly, but only for a moment. She quickly recovered, casting her glance over to the guard stationed by the door.
"It is so dreary speaking to women," the redhead stated. "They took all my boys away, did you know that? They felt I was too nice to them. And now, all I have are boring little girls." She hummed a note. "You're not a lesbian, are you Dr. Kirishima?"
"No, I'm not."
Asuka hummed again, this time two notes.
"I see. No matter. Please, what would you ask me?"
"Well, I was wondering if you'd speak about Ikari Shinji."
"Shinji?" She looked away, remembering. "Oh, yes. Shinji. I knew him quite well. We were both pilots, you know. Cute boy, if I recall correctly. What would you like to know about him? We lived together, too, you know. He was a marvelous cook."
"I was hoping you could tell me about him, in general," Mana said. "Anything that stands out to you."
"Anything? Well, let's see. He had dark hair and blue eyes. The most marvelous blue eyes. But I hardly ever got to see them. He was rather easily embarrassed I'm afraid, and eye contact seemed to be difficult for him. So was speaking to others."
"Was there… anyone he spoke to easily?"
"Mmm… no, not really. Misato used to talk with him, but it was mostly to tease. I wondered sometimes, if she was attracted to him. Sexually, I mean. She was a voracious woman when it came to men. At least, that was the sense she put out. That she was easy. I never bought it completely, but I'm sure she thought about taking him once or twice. It was hard not to."
Asuka sighed, a slight breath, and tilted her head.
"He had two friends. Two boys. They talked, I believe. To what extent I'm afraid I cannot say. I was rather… dismissive of them. And him, when he was with them. I did not like his attention diverted elsewhere. Certainly, you know the feeling, Dr. Kirishima. The feeling that a boy should pay you attention, even when others are vying for it?"
Mana nodded, trying to keep her going.
"I thought you would. You're very pretty, Dr. Kirishima." Asuka waited, as if wanting acknowledgement for the compliment. Her good eye twitched a moment, then she hurried on. "I remember him wanting to speak with his father. He was a cruel man."
"Ikari Gendo?"
"Y-yes. He was my commander. He was everyone's commander. Yes, he was. We had to do what he said."
"Yes, he was the commander of NERV," Mana said. "What did Ikari-san say about him?"
Asuka flinched.
"No, no. His name was Shinji. Not… Ikari-kun. Take that back."
"… okay, I apologize. What did Shinji-san say about his father?"
"Oh, how he wished they could talk, like father and son," she said, her good mood returning. "I felt bad, when he said that. But I couldn't tell him, no no no. I wanted him to… well, no matter." She smiled. "What else would you like to know?"
"Were you two friends?"
"Oh, yes, the best of friends," Asuka said quickly. "We were best friends. He was my friend. Shinji was my friend." Her smile wavered, and she chewed on her lip. It became a repetitive motion, her lower lip sliding in and out of her mouth. "He didn't say otherwise, did he?"
"I… haven't talked to him. So, you two were friends?"
"Yes, I already told you that. What else do you want to know?"
Mana glanced at the guard, then down to her note pad. She flipped a few pages.
"Did you know anything about Ayanami Rei? I heard that she and Shinji-san were close at one point."
"The First?" Asuka said. She plucked up a glass of water sitting by her and casually flung it against the wall. It shattered into a thousand pieces and Mana jumped. "Yes, I knew her, too. Not as well as Shinji did, I'm sure, but we conversed occasionally. I seem to recall I hated her, very much. I still do. Isn't that silly? What with her dying like she did. I remember watching her face for hours on end, and laughing at her. I believe it made Shinji uncomfortable."
"Her face?"
"Don't you know?" Asuka gave a delicate laugh. "Somehow she became a giant. Shinji never told me how, but it was clear she did. Her body parts were scattered across Japan. An arm here, a foot there, half her face just sitting on a mountain range. I do wonder what became of those. Do you know, Dr. Kirishima?"
"N-no… no, I don't."
"A pity. It has bothered me some, how she became a giant. And it seemed to upset Shinji everyday. He would cry often, you know. Sometimes without any provocation. Sometimes he would simply sit down and weep, whether I was right there or not. Very peculiar."
"You never cried, Soryu-san?" A risky question, but Mana decided to take a chance.
"No, I did not," she said, her smile vanishing. "I am very proud of that fact."
Mana took a short breath, and tried to decide where to head next. She was preparing to proceed when a small boy bounded into the room. His hair was red, his eyes were blue. He was quite pretty. Like a smaller, male version of Asuka. Mana wracked her brain for the boy's name. It was—
"Oh, Ryouji!" Asuka said, her voice filled with sugar. "You're awake from your nap." The boy stopped by her leg, and stared at Mana. "This is Dr. Kirishima. She wants to make me recall my past. Isn't that dreadful of her?"
The boy nodded, glowering at Mana. He patted Asuka on her leg.
"Thank you dear." Her eye darted up to Mana. "This is Ryouji, my son. Isn't he lovely? What a dear, sweet boy he is. He keeps me company. He came out of me, you know. It was quite painful, and I've told him that, and he's apologized for it. What a dear he is."
"May I ask who the father is?"
"The father? I really don't know. For a time I thought it was Shinji, but then I remembered he never entered me. It was rather odd of him, never to do that. I knew he wanted to, he was a teenage boy, after all, and I was a pretty girl, but he never did. Even when we were alone, on the beach, and all the months after that, he never did. Hmm. He tried once, I even told him he could, but in the end all he did was cry over me. How odd of him. Oh well."
Asuka collected her son into her arms, placing him on her lap.
"Do you have any children, Dr. Kirishima?" she asked suddenly.
"No, I don't, Soryu-san."
"Oh, how sad. I remember I never wanted any, either. My job kept me fairly busy. I had an important job, you know. I was a pilot. An elite pilot." She sounded the word 'elite' out, hanging on the syllables. "I had hoped my son could have followed in my footsteps, but the people say the Evangelions no longer exist. Strange, is it not? Those strong things not existing anymore. I think my little angel would make a great pilot, don't you?" Her hands trickled through Ryouji's hair, the boy giving no reaction to her touch.
"Little angel?" Mana couldn't help but ask. She thought it in exceedingly poor taste.
"Yes, that's what I call him sometimes. He's my little angel. Aren't you?"
Ryouji remained stoic.
"I… I heard you fought against nine white Evangelions," Mana said, trying to take control of the situation again. "Do you know where they came from?"
"No, I don't. I heard someone say they were the 'mass produced models', but beyond that, nothing. They came down from the sky and I beat them. It was a tremendous battle it was. They tried to kill me but they couldn't. I killed them." She bounced Ryouji on her knee. "But then, oh it was rather unfair, they got back up, even after I killed them. They threw terrible things at me. Would you like to see?"
Asuka didn't wait for an answer. She threw Ryouji off her lap, and the boy landed on the floor without a sound. Asuka tore her blouse off, revealing her chest. One breast was deformed, split in half, pressed down to the bone. Its twin was perky, and perfect. Scars criss-crossed down her body, long, deep, scars. They dug trenches in her skin. Her stomach bulged in certain places, skin hanging down here, tucked in there. Asuka stood, turning around to show her back, exit wounds covering from waist to neck.
"I can't quite remember if they hurt or not. I imagine they did at the time."
Ryouji sat on the floor, playing with the laces on his shoes.
"Could I see yours?" Asuka asked, turning back around. Her lack of clothing was paid no attention by her. "I'd love to compare."
"I'd… I would rather not, if you don't mind, Soryu-san," she said softly.
Her face twisted, suddenly furious.
"Don't call me that! Never call me that name! I'm Asuka! I am not pilot Soryu!" She tried to gather the tattered blouse that hung at her waist. "You're all the same, all of you. You pretend to be so perfect, so clean, so above all of it. You say it doesn't matter that you're the favorite, but it does! He rescued you that time, you bitch! He rescued you and didn't rescue me!"
Asuka stepped forward, her legs kicking Ryouji to the side. The boy rolled, still silent. Mana pushed back in her seat, terrified.
"He'd always save you. I heard him. I heard him that night. He whispered your name. He was supposed to go inside me that time but he whispered your name!"
Then the guard standing by the door was at her side, placing a firm hand on her bare shoulder. Asuka cringed from the touch.
"Don't you dare lay your hands on me!" She spun around, flinging the guard's hand off her. She sneered at her. "You don't know me." Her body sagged, and she returned to her seat. She kept her head down, and stayed silent for a long time. At length she raised her head, looking perfectly normal again. "Oh, forgive me. I don't usually lose my temper like that. You just… reminded me of her for a moment." Her eye trembled. "You… you won't tell Shinji, will you? He'll get angry. We can't have that."
"I…" Mana licked her lips. "I promise I won't tell him, Asuka-san."
"Oh, please call me Soryu-san." She snatched Ryouji off the floor. "Well, it's late. I do hope you'll visit us again. I'm lying, you know. I just say that because Ryouji is here. I want him to grow up and be polite, just like Shinji. He was always so polite."
Mana got up, shaking a little, and wished Asuka a good night. As she was walking out, the redhead called to her.
"If you see Shinji, could you tell him… that I wish he were the father of my little angel? I really do wish it."
Asuka caressed Ryouji's neck, her fingers gently twining round to the front, meshing with one another. She smiled as her nails dragged across his skin. Ryouji smiled too.
End of chapter 4
Author notes: Hoo boy. I'm expecting several flames on Asuka's behalf, and I suppose I deserve them. Originally, I imagined her bitter, angry at Shinji, at the world, but that was what people might expect. I didn't want to turn her soft either, desperately longing for Shinji. I think I found a happy medium. Actually, as I wrote her, I found her more and more like a little child, the child she might have been given her traumatic past. Again, I am a fan of Asuka, I swear, even if it wasn't communicated in this. I think she's had to go through an awful lot, all the Children have, and she finally reached her breaking point.
Speaking of breaking points, next chapter we finally meet Shinji. Get ready to get disappointed.