I Knew Him When chapter 5
Adam Kadmon
Disclaimer: still feeling the backlash from last chapter, I continue. I don't own Eva
"There are certain things you should see, before you meet him," Taper said. "Things that are only now offered to you. It is important to have all the information available to you before you see him."
He sent a folder to Mana across his desk, pushing it with his thick fingers. She opened it.
"What…" She shook her head. "Sir, what is this?"
"His suicide note."
Mana blinked.
"He's… dead?"
"No," Taper said with a frown. "It was a failed attempt."
She stared at the neatly printed paper, three words written in sharp, precise script.
Kaworu. Misato. Ayanami.
"This was all he wrote, sir?" she asked.
"Yes. We know who the last two are, obviously. The first remains, to this day, a mystery to everyone."
"A… classmate? A friend?"
"We thought of that. Believe us, we've been pondering this one out for awhile." Taper sighed. "We've gone through school transcripts, NERV documents, diary entries… everything that produced any kind of written record in Tokyo-3. Nothing. We had a few hits on residents, but no one who had any contact with Ikari. We're at a loss."
"Well… sir, has anyone asked him?"
"Of course, but he doesn't talk about it." Taper pursed his lips. "The early reports on him, when he was first taken into custody seven years ago, differ greatly from the most recent ones you know. The cut off point, so to speak, was the suicide attempt. Ever since then he's been… different."
Mana looked away.
"How were the early reports different, sir?"
"He was insane," Taper said. His blocky face betrayed no sympathy, no emotion. "He was very insane. He had to be restrained in almost every meeting. Doctors sedated him, but it only halted the episodes. Every little thing seemed to set him off."
"What exactly do you mean, sir?"
"He severely injured himself, resulting in hospital stays, hyperventilated several times, assaulted doctors and guards, had to be fed by tubes… you name it." Taper sounded like he was reading off a shopping list. "Then he slit his wrists. He was a handful."
"And now, sir?" Mana asked.
"Now?" He shrugged. "It's strange. It's like he's completely changed. He talks coherently, carries conversations, shows respect to others, takes care of himself… I personally don't know what to make of it all. That's where you come in, doctor."
"I assume others have spoken to this new Ikari before me, correct, sir?"
"Of course. He'll talk, but never about what we want. Most of the doctors think he's intentionally hiding it. The others think he's reached some new level of insanity. Well, try not to be swayed by them too greatly. I want a fresh opinion from you. Read over the old reports, but don't let them guide you."
He shifted uncomfortably.
"I'll be honest. No one… no one really expects you to succeed, Dr. Kirishima. Many doctors have been making life studies on Ikari, and all tell the same tale. It seems he's forgotten, or refuses to remember what happened during the Impact. Just remember, any information you can get from him will be a great help. Good luck."
She wasn't sure what to expect. If anything, she was expecting to be surprised. To be certain she had cultivated a few ideas over the years about what the famous Ikari Shinji would be like in person, ranging from depressed bouts concerning a homicidal madman, to the ever popular and ludicrous visions of a dashing hero straight out of an action movie. Somehow she knew the truth would be far less dramatic.
His house was smaller than Asuka's, though it lacked the cheerful façade of the redhead. There was no real symmetry like she secretly hoped for; the coloring was drab and utterly military, showing no alteration from when it was first put up; no garden on its impressive plot; the windows haphazardly closed and opened at random. There was nothing on its face to hint at what it contained.
It was a private safe house located in a hilly forest the military used for relocation and private interrogation. It had been converted several years ago, to free space from the already overcrowded main bases, into a normal home, furnished and filled for one. It was surrounded by a barbed fence, and maintained by half a dozen agents. Mana was reminded of the old saying, about hiding something valuable in plain sight. The house was a little over three miles outside the nearest city, and passing by it with a glance it looked no different than a private estate, or an expensive forest cabin.
She was led into the compound by a burly guard who looked excruciatingly bored with his life. Mana had difficulty believing anyone could be bored when they were so close to a living legend. Well, he was a foreigner.
Mana knocked on the front door, feeling light and giddy. She had dreamed of this moment so many times being presented with the actual reality itself seemed like a dream. She held her breath as the door opened.
"You must be the doctor," Shinji said as Mana walked into his prison home. "Welcome."
She stared up at him. Her mouth worked slowly. Molasses spilled from her lips.
"I'm Dr. Kirishima Mana, out of the UN's provisional government military in Kyoto. I believe you were informed I'd be stopping by today?"
"Yes, I was."
He was leading her into his home, down a narrow front hall to a spacious side room, filled floor to ceiling with overflowing bookcases. She glanced over the spines. Psychology texts, biology, psychiatry, sleep disorder, dreams, physics, computer science, archeology, anatomy, human sexuality, abnormal brain function, evolution, space exploration, climate records, genetics, socio-political theses.
Mana's eyes stopped over a section of the books, enthralled by the scope and range.
Applied Functions of Collective Human Behavior and Action. Group Psychology and its Applications in Society. Shared Thought Patterns and Experiences in Humans. Mass Consciousness: Thought Incarnation as Communal Recognition. Complexity Theory: A Treatise into Organizational Structure of Human Civilization.
Her brain hurt just reading the titles. She looked away. Her eyes fell on a weathered cello standing alone in a corner. There was no sheet music near the instrument, but she could tell it was well used. Small nicks and dents on the frame, strings bunched near its head, scratches on the floor circling the stand. She wondered if he was any good.
In the middle of the room was a long couch, a coffee table, and a wooden chair. They were minimalist, simple and basic, but they complemented the room as a whole. There was no pretension, or ostentatious airs. The entire décor spoke of intelligence and sophistication.
"You're young," Shinji stated.
"Is that a problem?" Mana asked, turning back to him.
He stared at her for a moment, and she began to think he might say that it was.
"No," he finally said absently. He gestured to the couch. "Please, sit. Make yourself at home. I'm afraid I can't offer you much, but could I get you anything? Tea? Coffee? I don't have much… sorry."
He was tall. That was the first thing that struck her. He had to be nearly five six, and his slim frame made him seem taller. His face was lean, too. All angles and straight lines. His chin was sharp, and his nose sharper still. His hair was carelessly tossed over his forehead; it looked as though he just stepped out of the shower. He gave the affect of resigned severity, a thing hiding behind a carefully crafted mask of harsh edges.
The only oddity was his eyes. Indescribably deep and blue, like a woman's. It was a little off putting. But they were sunken, dark, and wreathed by heavy circles. He looked like he hadn't slept in years.
"Doctor?"
Mana blinked.
"Oh, no, no thank you, Ikari-san."
He shivered.
"Pl-please, if you don't mind, please call me Shinji."
"Okay, Shinji-san. The, ah… the guards told you about me, right?" She sat on the long couch. He took a post opposite her, on a stiff wooden chair. Mana placed her tote bag on the coffee table between them, hoping the proximity gave her an easy intimacy.
"Yes," he said. "They're really very nice to me, you know. You… you might not think it, I mean, after all, they're guarding me, but they're nice to me. I don't mind."
Mana nodded eagerly. She perked her ears up, and caught what was playing softly since she had arrived. While by no means a classical buff, she knew a few popular tunes. Ode to Joy. She recalled one of the files she read on him stated he always had it playing. She didn't pretend to know why.
"That's a beautiful song," she said carefully. "Beethoven, right?"
"Yes," he said. "Beethoven's ninth symphony, the fourth movement, 'presto.' It's…" His eyes wandered off. "It's… important."
"I have to confess, I prefer pop," she admitted. She was spending more time with him, letting himself feel comfortable, allowing him to get ready for the real questions, and she wasn't entirely sure why. It was definitely due in part to the previous files on him, how skittish he was around new people. But beyond that she wanted to talk with him, see him, discover how he acted free of interrogation and intimidation. She wished she could conduct the meeting in another, nicer location. Someplace causal, comforting.
Mana frowned at herself. She glanced down at the length of her skirt, and how much thigh it showed him. Even her blouse was pulled tight, and her cleavage was pushed up to meet his eyes. She wasn't in the habit of parading herself around like this for information, but the entire morning was a fog to her. She knew somewhere, in some capacity, she'd made the decision to dress like this, to try and attract him, to let lust cloud his judgment and carry his tongue to her desired destination. She tried not to think about it.
Even so, she sat straight in her seat, letting her hands fall on her legs, holding her shoulders back. She wondered if wearing the pushup bra was a conscious choice or not.
"Oh, I enjoy pop, too," Shinji said, not wanting to seem snobbish. "But, well, classical is easier to get a hold of nowadays." His eyes never left her face. "So, shall we begin? I'm sure you didn't travel all this way just to speak to me about music."
"You're right, Shinji-san." Mana sighed. "Um, I'm not sure how to go about this…"
What are you doing? She screamed at herself.
"Please, just say what you'd like to talk about."
"Alright… Shinji-san, may we talk about your past?"
"Of course. That's what everyone comes to talk about."
"If you don't want to…"
"What would you like to know? Could you be a little more specific?"
"Sorry, I was a little vague. Ah, did…" Mana stopped. Why was she so nervous? Seeing Asuka hadn't affected her like this. Granted, it was a bit of a thrill, at least in the beginning, but reality quickly crushed her ideals. But Shinji… he held the truth. He was the truth.
"… are you okay?"
"Yes… yes. Excuse me. Would you tell me about…" Again she paused. She only had one shot at gaining his trust, at learning his secrets. One shot. "Shinji-san, what is your fondest memory of living in Tokyo-3?"
He didn't seem surprised at the question. Damn. She was hoping that her attempt at kindness would catch him off guard. Instead, he seemed to be expecting it, waiting for it.
"I honestly don't have very many happy memories." Shinji closed his eyes. He sighed softly. "My happiest memory… was just a moment. During one of the battles, I saw… I thought I saw Ayanami die…" He opened his eyes. "Later, Misato-san told me she was alive. That instant, when I heard she was still alive… that was the happiest I'd ever been."
The way he spoke… even about such a tender issue… it was like he was disinterested with everything around him. Disconnected. It worried her. He was talking about one of his friends nearly dying, and he acted like it was a discussion on tax codes. Mana frowned. She decided to try and bring out a genuine reaction.
"Ayanami Rei," Mana said, wishing she knew more about her. "Did you love her?"
Again, he seemed completely unfazed by her words.
"I don't know." Shinji looked away. "I don't really know. It's been so long since we…" He paused. For a long time. "It's still hard to talk about her so freely. She suffered greatly, perhaps the most out of all of us."
Again, the strange disconnect.
"So… you cared for her?"
"Yes. I didn't know her very well. I don't think anyone did, but…" He sighed again, longer this time. "I never knew her as well as I should have." His hand brushed his chin, and he blinked, feeling a small patch of stubble. His nails raked over the hairs. Soon they began digging, trying to clean his face. "What else would you like to know?"
"Um… well… you lived with Katsuragi-san and…" She hesitated to mention her. "… Soryu-san, right? What were they like?"
"Misato-san and Asuka? Oh, they were… nice. We all lived together. It was… odd at first. I'd never lived with young women before, and they liked to tease me… but it was okay."
He stopped as a particularly strong passage of Ode to Joy came on. His brow beetled.
"Sometimes… Asuka would pick on me, but I suppose I deserved it," he said. "I mean, now I know she was only looking out for me. She never was one to hold back… except with… Kaji-san." He paused. "Is Asuka… is she alright? It's been a long time since I saw her…"
"She's… okay. Don't worry."
"Good," Shinji said very softly, like a prayer.
"When was the last time you saw her?" Mana asked. It was a tactless, blunt question. She knew, and she asked anyways.
"Years ago. Before the military found us. I've lost track of when it was exactly." He went quiet for a time, staring at the floor. "The last thing she said to me was, 'I hate you'."
Mana quirked an eyebrow. She thought back to her interview with the redhead; it seemed that she was terrified of saying anything negative about Shinji.
And yet again, here he was speaking about someone he had obviously been very close to, and her professed hatred hit him no heavier than a light breeze.
"Why did she say that?" Mana asked.
"… there was an Angel," he said carefully, "and it… did something terrible to her. It attacked her mind… did things to her. Made her relive horrific events. I don't think she ever truly recovered. She was always different after that." His eyes drooped in sympathy. "None of the Angels were good. That's why we fought them."
"Why did you fight, Shinji-san?" Mana asked.
"Because they told me to."
"Were you told what would happen if you didn't fight?"
"Not right away," Shinji said. "At first, they said Ayanami would have to fight if I didn't. She was hurt, badly, so I had to. They later told me if I didn't, if I failed, humanity would be eradicated. Misato-san… she told me she wasn't ready to die."
Mana bit her lip. Despite his tone, his eyes spoke of unhealed wounds.
"What kept you going?" she asked. "You went through so much, you all did, but you kept fighting. May I ask why?"
"I think… I think I had it easier than the others. Piloting was never the whole picture for me. I suppose that sounds strange, but I wasn't like Ayanami or Asuka. They… it was like they almost lived to pilot." He paused. "Sometimes I wonder why they weren't friends."
"You weren't all friends?"
"No. We talked sometimes, and had a few nice moments, but… they didn't like each other."
"Why?" Mana asked.
"Well… they were so focused and committed to the Evas. Asuka felt it was like a badge of honor. Ayanami… she… it was like she only had the Eva." He fell quiet. "They were alike, in many ways. But… I don't know. Asuka always competed, and Ayanami was indifferent to most people. They didn't get along."
His tone announced it was time for a new topic. Mana obliged.
"Shinji-san, could you tell me about NERV? The people who worked there?"
"I didn't know them that well. We didn't really talk. Kaji-san and Ritsuko-san talked to me occasionally. But usually, it was simply an indirect way of telling me to pilot." He glanced away. "I can't blame them, not really. After all, they were all depending on us. They didn't want to die. They had no choice but to depend on us."
"Didn't you resent them for that?"
"Not at the time. Back then I didn't know any better. I thought they were trying to be nice to me. I was a little naïve."
"Shinji-san, how much did you know about the Evangelions?"
"Only enough to fight. The pilots were at the short end of the food chain. The less we knew, the better. After all, we were children."
"How much do you know about the Evangelions now?"
"About as much as you do, I'd imagine." Seeing her startled face, he continued. "Well, I don't want to seem rude, but you are in the military, correct? I'm certain you know a little about them. I don't imagine they'd send you to me if you didn't."
Mana blinked. The reports had spoken of his intelligence, but had been relatively quiet on his wit. How on earth had he kept his mind together so well when the others were in the grips of madness and depression?
"I'll be blunt," she said. "Would you tell me about your father?"
"He isn't coming back," Shinji said.
"What? Why do you say that?"
"I… don't really know. Just a feeling." Shinji ran slim fingers through his short hair. "I don't think he'd be welcomed back, anyway. Or would you keep him locked away in a house just like the rest of us?"
"I… don't know what we'd do if he returned. When was the last time you saw him?"
Before I bit him in half.
"In person?" He glanced past her. "It was after Touji was injured. I tried to confront him, and failed. I… thought I hated him. But it wasn't… it wasn't like I wanted him to die or anything." He pursed his lips. "He told me to leave, and I did."
"But…" Mana swallowed. "You came back, right?"
"Of course. Kaji-san told me to. I was never very good at arguing with authority figures, even when it was clear they were only using me to pilot. I saw my father once more, when I demanded to pilot again." Shinji frowned. "He let me, of course. I fought again, and the end was held off for a little while longer."
"You seem to hold some anger at Kaji-san. Do you hate him for using you?"
"No. No, I never hated him. I suppose… I suppose I wanted to be like him. Looking back now, I realize how foolish that is. I don't believe he was a very admirable person. I am not angry at him."
There was no conviction, no emotion behind any of his words. It continued to trouble her. Mana considered asking him who he was angry at, but she couldn't imagine any answer he'd give her would satisfy her.
"So," she asked, "no one ever told you about the Evangelions?"
"Someone told me." He stared at her. "I wonder who told you."
"Like you said, I'm in the military." Mana cursed. All the avenues leading to the Impact had been blocked off. He seemed like he was testing her, trying to extract some piece of information she couldn't see. "Shinji-san…" She paused. "Shinji-san, I truly appreciate how… open you've been with me…"
"I've learned it's pointless to butt heads with people who question me."
"But… you don't enjoy it, do you?"
"It's better than what the military wanted to do to me in the beginning. They weren't as… understanding as they are now."
Mana swallowed.
"What would you do if you weren't… well..."
"If I weren't who I am?" Shinji paused to consider the question. "I think, perhaps, it's best this way. The way things are. I honestly never thought about my future. That's why it never mattered to me when I died."
"But…" Mana quirked a smile. "Of course it mattered when you die. I mean, if you had never been born—"
"Then someone else would have taken my place." He showed no remorse for interrupting her. "My importance has been greatly overrated."
"I doubt that," she said, and meant it.
He opened his mouth to respond, possibly disagree with her, but he stopped.
"Why… why are you being so nice to me?" Shinji said, very softly.
"… I think you had a very difficult life, Shinji-san. I won't lie to you. I'm here to learn from you, but I don't think you should be accosted like a criminal."
"Learn from me?" he asked. "What on earth could I ever teach you? I can't teach anyone anything."
"Shinji-san, there is a lot you could teach me. I… it's true I know a little about the Evangelions, and NERV, and the Angels, but it's all based on reports and second-hand accounts. I… I want to know what you know."
He was silent for a time, pondering her words.
"No, you don't. You don't want to know what I know. I do not want to offend you, but I doubt you could handle what I know." Shinji shut his eyes. "I know I didn't handle it."
Mana bit her lip. She couldn't very well bring up his insanity and suicide attempt. Slit wrists weren't exactly a conversation starter.
Is it really so terrible? she thought. When he spoke again to her, she felt like he read her mind.
"The Evangelions were… perverse… things," Shinji said. "They never should have been made."
"What?" Mana gaped at him. "How can you say that? If they were never made everyone would have been killed when the first Angel attacked."
"They merely delayed the inevitable. Held it off for a future date. They were a pitiful stopgap against a tidal wave." He closed his eyes. "They never should have been made."
"Because… they were 'perverse,' you said?" Mana asked after a moment, her eyebrows scrunched together, trying to understand. "What did they pervert?"
"Everything that touched them. It was almost like a curse. It almost made me believe in divine intervention. Man played God, and God got angry. That's the best I can do at an explanation."
"Technology of God," she intoned, mostly to herself. "Creating something from nothing."
"Not from nothing. Never from nothing."
Mana blinked slowly. There was a definite undercurrent in his voice. Something akin to anger. Regret? She couldn't place it.
"What do you mean?" she asked evenly.
"This world is about cost. Everything has a price. There is no such thing as something for nothing. Everything costs something. The clothes we wear, the air we breathe, the minutes we waste living. It all costs something, whether we can see it or not. The price is always there."
"And the Evangelion's price…?"
"Was too high to count."
She noticed the same tinge to his voice, and decided to pursue it. Anything to garner a further reaction from him.
"What did it cost you?" Mana asked.
"For me? Nothing of any real importance. I never had much, never was much to begin with. But for everyone else… it was a cancer that ate them alive. I cannot count how many lost their grasp on reality, or their pride, or their hope, their happiness, their purpose, their lives…"
"It may sound cold,"Mana said, "but NERV and everyone involved were fighting for the sake of the whole species. Their individual sacrifices are countered by the good they did. Mankind owes all of you an immense thanks."
"Because the world we saved for you is such a utopia," Shinji said flatly.
Shefrowned, beginningto feel a tickling anger for this man.
"Or," she said quietly, "do you think NERV should be punished? Did they not always act in the interest of aiding humanity? Do they deserve the wrath of those who returned? Did they do something to merit it?"
"We did everything possible to deserve it. Only we deserved to return to this life."
"Could you elaborate? What did you do that was so horrible?"
Shinji's eyes left her face and traveled to his feet. He traced their contours, their outlines, their physical existence. He went over them again and again, as if reaffirming the reality of their being. He did not speak.
"Why?" Mana asked him, getting frustrated. "Why won't you tell anyone what happened? We're not stupid, or irresponsible. Whatever you tell us will only help. You don't have to be afraid." Satisfied with her lie, she sat back. Finally, peering at him, shaking her head, she asked: "What do you hope to gain by staying silent?"
"What do you hope to gain by knowing?"
"The truth," she answered immediately.
"Well, at least you're honest. Thank you for that." Shinji looked up at her. "But that isn't a good enough reason."
"Then what? You've talked to countless doctors and soldiers, and you've refused all of them. Aren't we good enough? Do you think you're better than the rest of us?" Mana regretted that as soon as she said it.
"The rest of us?" He nodded. "So you're just like the others. You see me as not quite human. After what I've seen and done… I suppose you're right. I am not human. I'm something different. Not more… or better, no. Less. I'm less than a human."
"Shinji-san, I'm sorry. I—"
"Don't apologize. You're correct. I gave up something fundamental during Third Impact."
Mana felt a rush. She was wearing him down.
"And what was that?" she asked immediately.
He smiled at her, gently, serenely.
"My sanity."
She froze. She blinked.
"What?" she whispered.
"To see Third Impact, I had to abandon my sanity. It was holding me back."
Mana felt the room tilt crazily. She grasped the couch in her hands. She felt like she'd tip over under a whisper's breath. Shinji continued to speak.
"And now, recently, I was forced to regain it. You see, now, right now, I am in hell. Not the hell others spoke of, upon returning. No. I am in a true hell, and I can never escape."
Mana sat in her office. Her light was the only one on. The rest of the work crew, even the janitors had left for the night. She was hunched at her desk, watching recorded interviews of Ikari Shinji taken years ago, before the suicide attempt. It was painfully obvious the boy was crazy. He was questioned like a criminal, berated and beaten. Whenever he wasn't weeping, he was shouting; strange, incoherent babblings about murdering his father, Katsuragi, Ayanami, and any other name that floated through his mind.
Mana cued it to one such breakdown, as he began tearing at his mouth, nearly ripping his own tongue out.
"No! I didn't kill my father! I didn't eat him alive!"
He had to be restrained.
She found another, one where he had nearly succeeded in popping his left eye out of its socket using only his fingers.
"I killed her! I killed her so many times! She was smiling and I killed her!"
Again, he was restrained.
Mana stumbled across one more, wiping the sweat from her face.
Shinji had shattered his right hand by slamming it against the floor. It hung off his wrist at a foul angle, bones poking up out of the skin like teeth.
"I murder everyone who says they love me!"
She shut the monitor off. She glanced at her garbage basket, finding it to be a tempting receptacle for the contents of her stomach. After a concentrated effort, she pushed back the bile, banishing the images to the dark corners of her mind. What the hell was going on here?
What in the world happened to him? Aoba's account, even portions of Soryu's clearly depicted a boy suffering from severe depression, but not in the throws of madness. Had being questioned so brutally finally made him snap? Had the separation from Soryu taken its toll? Had the state of things simply caught up with him after running away for so long? What? What the hell happened to him to make him break so completely?
Mana frowned. What had the military done to him when they found him? All of the records she had access to were missing a period of little more than six months, between the capture of the pilots to the taped interviews. Granted, the timeline was far from perfect, and gaps in any information were a fact of life nowadays, but she was convinced something had happened to him. Something had to have happened.
But what?
For that matter, why was the UN pussyfooting around Ikari and the others? Why were they wasting time and money on doctors, when they could just as easily torture the truth from them? What were they trying to accomplish?
Mana hung her head in defeat. Her first meeting with Shinji had failed. Her research into his past only filled her with more questions. At this rate she'd be taken off the assignment. Soon she'd be back at Taper's beck and call, subject to more anonymous survivor tales, waiting for the day when she snapped too.
"Damn it…"
She was so close to the truth, she was sitting right across from it this afternoon! And nothing she'd said, nothing she'd gotten from him had helped in the least. Who was this man? How had be regained his mind?
What on earth was Ikari Shinji?
"Damn it," she said again, in the dark. She shut her eyes and turned her computer off. She waited, listening to the machine whir and click, shutting down. She waited in the dark silence, and swore again.
Author notes: I can't believe no one has called me on the most glaring problem with this story: Mana is a terrible interviewer. I thought it was kind of obvious.
I wanted to make Shinji purposefully disappointing, both to Mana and the reader. This isn't going to be my usual idealized Shin-chan here.
I remember reading somewhere that Shinji's height during the series was four eleven. So, yeah, five six is pretty damn tall.
About Asuka. A few of you brought up a very good point: why would she be allowed to keep her child? Yeah, Ryouji was mostly for shock value, but worry not. I would have thought by now people knew what to expect from me. It takes me a long while to set things up. Asuka will only make one more appearance in this story, probably in the last chapter. And by then everything will be explained. I promise. Patience is a virtue after all.
Second point: Nearly everyone called me on Asuka being a "slut." I disagree. She's regressed a lot in this fic, and is looking for acceptance in any way she can. And guess what? Guys are sluts. They'll take sex in whatever form is readily available to them. To any female reading this story, don't be fooled! All men are pervy! No matter how innocent, or gentle, or sincere they seem, beneath that caring exterior lurks the dark depraved heart of a hentai. As the author of Witness, I know what I'm talking about. Guys, don't deny it.