I Knew Him When chapter 9
Adam Kadmon
Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion
Pre-note: this is a long one. About ten thousand words. Just be prepared.
Mana struggled out of unconsciousness.
She was lying on her side, something cold and hard pressing against her cheek. It was vibrating, every few seconds jumping up and driving into her face.
She slowly tensed her muscles, one at a time, starting with her neck, working her way down to her toes. Whatever that gas had been did its job. She felt like an isolated head, the rest of her body tingly and slightly numbed. Even her eyes felt cold, and there was a strange delay between moving them and receiving images. It made her want to throw up. But she continued to try and visually confirm where she was. Bumping, jostling, sedation and loss of muscular control intact.
As she adjusted to the lull of her eyes, she realized she was in a van. She could see the twin windows on the back doors above her head, both covered by a heavy canvas. The sloping walls colliding into the ceiling, rusty, chipped, torn. The wheel well by her cheek, jumping up and down as the vehicle rolled over the road. She felt seasick, and wondered if it was possible to vomit while still being under the effects of gas.
Her body still refused her commands. She couldn't turn her head to see behind her, or even call out to see if Shinji was here with her.
Idiot.
Of course Shinji was with her. He was what they were after. It had to be him. Mana hadn't made any enemies outside of that dry cleaner guy who shrank her uniform, and the most good she could do anyone was to reveal the startling secret of her much-envied rice balls. No one would want to kidnap her.
And yet, here I am, being kidnapped.
Mana tried to sigh. Shinji had to be the target. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. But why on earth would they take her, too? Pragmatically, Mana felt they probably should have killed her. They were assaulting a government controlled facility, stealing an invaluable asset, and they were skittish about shooting someone?
Must be amateurs.
Or they wanted to control the flow of information that originated from Shinji. And by extension, control everyone who came into contact with him. Meaning Mana was on their to-do list. Either interrogation, torture, or elimination. Or some fun combination of the three. She'd find out soon enough.
The van stopped. Mana tried to estimate how long she had been conscious, added to the amount of time the gas had knocked her out, to approximate how far from the safe house they were. At least an hour. But that estimate was, to be fair, a load. She admitted to herself she could be nearly anywhere by now.
She heard car doors open and shut, and then feet chewing the earth on their way to the back of the van. Mana tried to flip onto her back to view the rest of the vehicle. She tried, and failed.
"S…h… sh…"
Still couldn't speak. Still couldn't move. Helpless.
"Sh… Shhhii…"
Shit.
Mana heard a key being inserted into the lock on the back door. The familiar rumble of tumblers fitting into place, then the squeak of metal as it opened. Sunlight slapped her face and she had to shut her eyes.
Sunlight. It was still day. Judging from the split second view of the sun she had Mana deduced it was twilight. Meaning it had been nearly five hours since her interview with Shinji. Five hours in a non-descript van, running fast from safety and security. Ikari Shinji was now out in the open. Mana swore again.
Logically, she knew it wasn't her fault. The security team around the safe house had obviously been asleep. And yet, a part of her, a large part, assumed responsibility. She was the doctor assigned to him. She was the only one speaking with him. She was trained to kill, to protect, to spy, to do so many things, and she failed. Again.
Shame flooded her. She was a failed spy, and now a failed doctor too.
Shit.
Her eyes adjusted slowly to the sunlight. But she could finally see two men, one tall and thin, one heavyset and wide in every aspect of his being, standing between the opened doors of the van. They were talking, but there was a holdup from what they said to when Mana heard it. Fuzzy, like a bad watercolor painting.
And try as she might, their faces remained blurry splotches sitting on their necks. But she kept her head up, her eyes open, hoping they'd clear soon.
The men still talked, occasionally casting glances at Mana. After a time they approached her, and carefully lifted her from the van. She could not feel their hands on her, and did not care to. Her entire focus was on forcing her head to flop backwards to view the rest of the vehicle's cargo hold. With a monumental effort that left her seeing spots and feeling even more light-headed, her eyes fell on Shinji. He was lying, apparently unconscious, facing the wall. His legs and arms were curled close to his body, and he, like her she just realized, was shackled too.
And then he vanished from her sight as the men led her from the van, while another moved to the back from a car behind her. Mana's eyes darted around, taking in her surroundings. They were in an alley behind a weathered building, littered with stained dumpsters and boxes. There were a few other vehicles parked irregularly on the grey street, but no other people passed them. Though it was late in the day Mana was on her own. Alone. No one to help, no one to see her being hauled by two strange men and think, "what the hell?"
Shit.
Mana's mind was quickly gaining lucidity, but all she could think of were swears. She was in a very, very bad situation. Persons unknown had successfully stolen Ikari Shinji from a secure military post for an unidentified purpose. There was no evidence the army was in any kind of hot pursuit, judging from the rather relaxed manner the men were acting. And Mana was most likely on her way to be killed.
She wanted to shut her eyes, to rest her vision and feel sorry for herself. But she had to take in as much as she could on the off chance she'd survive and escape. As slim as that seemed right now.
But through her fears and worries over herself, her position, and the military that would most likely hold her responsible if she was ever rescued, one thought surfaced to force all others to the murky edges of her conscious mind.
Ikari Shinji was no longer safe.
Shit.
It took another half hour for the gas to wear off. And even then Mana's muscles still felt like lead weights, and her tongue a warm slug crawling behind her teeth. Even if she could have walked under her own power, her ankles and wrists were still locked tight with handcuffs. The two men from the van all but carried her into a small apartment building through the service entrance in the rear, and up to a room on the third floor.
It was low rent and it showed. People with jobs and self-respect didn't live here. Paint peeling off the walls like dead skin, anomalous stains littering the floors, empty bottles strewn like rocks on a beach, doors bearing scars and holes… this wasn't where Mana expected to be taken after a successful assault on a military safe house. She thought it might have been the Americans, looking to resurrect the lost technology of the Evangelion program. Or the Chinese, hoping to bolster their faltering economy. Someone important, with power and the means to use it. Not a resident of a rundown craphouse.
She was brought to an apartment at the end of the hall before a bend. The door opened without a key. Mana was carefully placed on the floor, in a narrow living room devoid of any real furniture. She closed her eyes as her escorts left her, trying to recapture her swimming vision.
"Hello, Dr. Kirishima."
Mana looked up. And nearly scoffed in disbelief. It was Aida Kensuke. The same Aida Kensuke she had interviewed two months ago.
You've got to be fucking kidding me.
He was sitting in a gray folding chair, legs crossed. He was wearing a heavy overcoat, like he was preparing for winter. Kensuke grinned at her shock, and carefully adjusted his glasses.
"Surprised to see me again so soon?" he asked, like he was inquiring about the weather.
"I'm just wondering how long it'll take the military to find and execute you," she said without missing a beat, though her sluggish tongue slowed her words considerably. "Because they will, don't you doubt it."
Mana glanced around the room. It was sparsely decorated, only bare essentials, no luxury or pleasure. A stop over. She wouldn't be here very long.
"Where's Shinji-san?" she asked.
"Safe." Kensuke tilted his head to the side slightly. "That's what you people like to say, right? The military? You say he's 'safe,' right?" He laughed silently. "Safe. Locked away like a common criminal. It's a disgrace."
"Actually, we keep him safe. From all the crazy people out there who think he's a God or a savior. We protect him from idiots who want to employ what he knows again. To try whatever the hell NERV tried ten years ago."
"See, that's why the military doesn't deserve to keep him," he said. He shook his head. "You don't even know everything that happened. You're clueless. You're proof enough of that."
"And you're not?" Mana asked, and it sounded like a joke. Her voice was stronger now, nearly recovered. "Please. All you have is baseless rumor and false hope." She sat up. She got halfway there, then her arms gave out and she tumbled backwards to her elbows. "You're proof enough we were needed. To protect Shinji-san from people like you."
"Don't lie to me," Kensuke said. His voice was still light, amused. He was in total control of the situation, and he knew it. "The only thing you protect is your own self-interests. Shinji is a thing to you, something to berate and abuse and steal from. Don't sit there and tell me your commanders aren't interested in the Evangelion program."
"Only in a guardian capacity." Mana was lying through her teeth and she knew it. "We're watching the gates so no one breaks in."
"What did I just say about lying?" He watched her a moment, then smiled. "Let me help you with those."
He stood and loomed over her, drawing a small key from one of the pockets on his coat. He slowly freed Mana of her confines, then sat back down. She kept her jaw tightly set.
"Why'd you take me, too?" she finally asked.
"You know Shinji," Kensuke stated. "And as such, you're a valuable asset. You see, Shinji is… incalculably precious. Not just because he was a pilot, or might have access to the secrets of NERV. Mostly, you're here because I want to find out how much you and the military know. Or would you rather I killed you?"
Mana knew she was, in an extreme sense, lucky to be alive. But even if they were skittish about killing, she still thought they were better off leaving her back at the safe house. What the hell were they really after here?
She finally summoned the strength to fully sit up. Mostly to spite her captor. Mana gave herself a final push, and hunched forward, like a heavy tree branch. She rubbed her sore wrists.
"Did you leave the guards alive?" she asked. "The ones stationed at the house Shinji-san was in?"
"Does it matter?" He kept his gaze on her placid and calm. "Yeah, they're alive. I think. We used a lot of gas. I had a friend hack into the security archives for the house and find when the shift change occurred. Besides. You know he was about to be moved to another house with a new doctor. The security was a little chaotic. Made my job easier. We waited, then hit them when they were just getting comfortable.
"But come on. You guys know the dangers when you sign up, right? You know you could be killed in any number of entertaining manners. When you join, when you get indoctrinated into the service, you
gradually loose that normal terrified voice that forbids fear and uncertainty. It's a necessary part of keeping your kind alive."
"Since you're such an authority on the armed services."
"I saw it happen." Kensuke glanced away. He was quiet for a time. When he finally spoke, he sounded like he was confessing some deep, dark secret. "When I first met Shinji, he was timid, and shy, and depressed. Shrank away from people so he wouldn't have to be forced into any uncomfortable situations. Like it was better to be alone than deal with other human beings, and the possibility of rejection.
"But as we became friends, and the war progressed and things got more and more insane… Shinji… he changed. He was never an outgoing kind of guy, didn't make a lot of noise or create waves… but as he got to know me and Touji, and Asuka and Ayanami, and the people at NERV… he loosened up. He smiled more often, he joked with us a little, he seemed… lighter.
"He changed, and I thought it was a good thing. I mean, I was a fourteen year old kid. Surfaces were all I saw and cared about. So I saw Shinji's transformation and I was glad for him."
He smiled without humor.
"But it wasn't because he was happy. It wasn't because he found a reason to survive. It was because he started living each day with nothing but the belief he was going to die at any time. It was like everything that happened to him in his life was nothing but an annoying precursor to death. He was waiting to die.
"He had gradually lost all hope, for the future, for himself, for everything. He was fighting solely because others told him to. He didn't have a reason beyond trying to prevent people from hating him.
"And he became… relaxed. With the Eva, he found a way to connect with people. It was all superficial and false, of course. I admit, the only reason I started and kept being his friend was because he was a pilot. It was the same for everyone else in his life. They talked to him, interacted with him, tolerated his presence near them, solely because he could pilot the Evangelion.
"And he knew that. Without Eva he was nothing. All his friends and associates, they'd know he was nothing. So he piloted. Even after he mutilated Touji. He kept doing it. Just to have people smile and speak and be with him. That was it."
He shook his head.
"I think a part of him was trying to get killed every time he went out to fight. But he couldn't. He couldn't help but win every time. Heh. Actually, did you know he did die twice? And came back both times?"
"So, what?" Mana shook her head. "You think he's immortal?"
He laughed at her.
"I'm not an idiot, Dr. Kirishima."
"Could have fooled me."
"I know he's not a God or anything," Kensuke said, undeterred. "He's a man. But he's been through more than any other human on the face of the earth. He's unique. He's special. He's not like the rest of us." He paused, then took a breath to say more.
"And he enjoys long walks on the beach and karaoke," Mana interrupted with a scoff. "Get over it. You're just another obsessed little boy with dreams of rescuing your idol and riding off into the sunset. Get a life."
"A life," he said. His eyes narrowed slightly. "Say, like yours? I remember when you talked with me that first time. I saw how intense you were, the fire in your eyes. I know how hung up on Shinji you are. You can try to hide it, but to someone who knew him, really knew him like I did, your fixation is plain to see."
"Fixation," Mana repeated. "Well, you'd certainly know a lot about that, wouldn't you?"
His eyes narrowed further. He had lost interest in this conversation. But he couldn't let her have the last word, especially something so derogatory.
"Shut the fuck up. You're only alive by my will. You only stay alive by my will. So shut your mouth and learn some God damn respect."
Mana turned away to hide her grin. This was what she knew him to be. Petty, jealous, angry. A little boy. And she'd finally gotten him to break from his whole persona of knowledge and control. But she knew he'd never kill her. He didn't have the training, or the mettle. She knew who he was.
After a long breath of silence, a tall man entered the room, dressed in black and wearing dark sunglasses. He looked like a government agent. He walked behind Kensuke's chair.
"We're ready to move," the man said, leaning down.
"Great." Kensuke smiled, his mood altering in an instant. "Ah, just a moment, please." He pulled out a small cell phone and punched a few buttons. He brought it to his ear. "Yeah. It's me. Commence Blue."
"Blue?"
"Yes." He stood up. "Blue." He pulled a slim silenced pistol from his coat, cocked it, and pointed it at the man in one smooth motion. Kensuke shot the man in the head, and he fell backwards in a crumpled heap on the floor. Blood began to cough up from the wound and spill onto the dirty wood floorboards.
He gradually lowered the gun, his eyes fixed to the dead man at his feet. He breathed hard through his nose.
Mana, cringing from the muffled hiccup of the gunshot, slowly brought her hands away from shielding her body.
"What are you doing?" she yelled.
Crackles of gunfire erupted from beyond the apartment door. There was shouting, and screams, and more gunfire. It was a frenzied cacophony for a moment, then ended as abruptly as it began. Kensuke pointed his gun at the door.
It opened a crack, only a sliver of the hallway beyond visible, and a hand slithered through, fingers spread wide.
"We're good," a husky voice spoke.
Kensuke lowered his weapon. It was shaking.
"Come in," he said.
The door swung wide, and two men entered. They were poorly dressed, dirty looking and young. Nothing but boys, really. Mana quickly committed their faces to memory.
More cult members, she catalogued them.
"We lost Daisuke and Naota," one said. He was tall and lanky, a scraggly moustache clinging to his lip. One of the same men from the van, Mana realized.
"Fuck," Kensuke said. "I told you to be careful. What the fuck happened?"
"Look," the second spoke, holding up his hands. He was the same man who opened the door. He was shorter than the first, his jaw sprinkled with curly hairs. "You selected us for this because we had weapons training. But none of us were ever in a real gunfight before, okay? Neither were you." He glanced down at the dead agent, and swallowed hard. "Holy shit, Kensuke."
"W-we won," the first said. "But only because we had surprise on our side. The plan worked just like we worked out. We all pulled our guns after you called Daisuke and he gave us the signal by coughing, and the rest of us swarmed out from those two empty apartments. Still, those were professionals, alright? We were lucky." He shook his head sadly. "Poor Daisuke."
"Fuck," Kensuke said again.
"We need to move soon. There might be more agents around."
"Yeah, yeah." He ran a wavering hand through sweat-soaked sandy hair. "Even though a gunfight in this neighborhood won't raise any alarms for cops. It's expected. No one will give a damn."
Kensuke sighed stiffly, and his eyes fell down on the dead man sprawled at his feet. The pistol shivered in his hand.
"Where's Shinji?" he asked.
"R-right behind us. But… do you, I mean is it okay for…" He gestured to the body.
"Where's Shinji!?"
"We're coming in," a subtle voice wafted from beyond the ajar door.
It opened a moment later, and Mana snorted softly. Shinji stood in the doorframe, hands shackled, with two more young men behind him. They were armed, pushing the former pilot ahead like a prisoner.
Kensuke froze to the floor. He swallowed. He licked dry lips. After a moment of eternity, he stepped forward and sucked on a breath.
"Shinji," he spoke softly, like a prayer. His face broke into a wide smile that lifted his ears. "Shinji." He stopped abruptly in mid-step, and glanced down at his hand, filled with the pistol. He absently laid it on the folding chair behind him, then refocused his entire being on the man before him. "Shinji."
"Kensuke," the former pilot said. He almost sounded disappointed. He glanced down at the dead man sprawled on the floor at their feet and shut his eyes.
"You remember me." He smiled, then his brow shot down in a scowl. "What are you doing?" Kensuke snapped at the men behind his old friend. "Get those handcuffs off of him now!"
The men complied, but stayed close to him, supporting him up, waiting for the gas to completely leave his system. Aida shook a slight case of shock from his head. He could have sworn he saw scars on his wrists. He stared back up to his prize's face.
"Shinji." The bespectacled man looked awed. "It's… it's great to see you again."
His old friend looked ready to take a nap. Kensuke wrote it off as a side effect of the gas. He took another step forward.
The other cultists were in a similar state, though they were better at hiding their rapture. But they all stared at Shinji, eyes wide and shining with elation and wonder. They looked like preschoolers watching a favorite movie.
Mana started to move.
It was a small gun, but it had at least six more rounds in it. Sufficient to at least wound her captors enough to make an escape attempt. Mana knew by now the military was scouring the surrounding cities around the safe house looking for their stolen property, to say nothing of whatever group that guy in the suit belonged to. Shinji was too valuable to ignore.
But if there was anything she could do… she at least had to try. She couldn't fail him again.
Mana took a silent gulp of air and heaved her body forward. She was on hands and knees, her line of sight focused intensely on the folding chair Kensuke had been sitting in, and the silenced pistol it proudly displayed.
She chanced a quick look up. Everyone was carefully attending the reunion of the two old friends. From her position she could only see Kensuke's back, but his voice displayed his emotional state clearly enough. He was ecstatic. Elated. How many times must he have dreamed of this moment? For how many years?
Mana could see Shinji. He looked… almost bored. Let down. Wasn't he surprised? Or excited to be out of the house that had been his prison for nearly a decade? Was his melancholy so severe that even this situation was nothing but a useless waste of time?
She caught his eyes briefly, and his demeanor shifted into restrained alarm. He saw her intended target, and mouthed a single word.
No.
Despite herself, Mana halted. He was still staring at her, trying to force compliance with his stormy eyes. She had almost forgotten how intense he could be. But still he stared, nearly pleading.
Don't do it.
Mana looked away. The chair was close now, and everyone who might present a hindrance to her was still attending their leader, Aida. She moved slowly, quietly, but surely. A plan began to form in her quick mind. Grab the pistol, capture Aida from behind, hold him until she and Shinji could get out of here and back to… to what?
She unexpectedly paused. Even if she somehow, miraculously managed to escape here with him, what awaited Shinji? Another prison home, or a true cell, without the attempt at artifice he was used to?
This was his fate, she thought bitterly. There was nothing she could do to change it. As long as he lived, he'd never be free. Despite her wishes. Despite insane attempts by little boys. Nothing would ever change.
She moved towards the gun.
Watching her progress across the dirty floor Shinji felt a gut emotional reaction that he couldn't stop. Despite their respective positions, he had come to feel a mild form of attachment to her over these past few months. It was the same attachment he developed with every doctor that came to talk with him. He couldn't help it. Any person who bothered to show any kind of interest, even if it was forced and artificial, affected him.
I'm still a child.
But he finally had the will to act. To not just sit and watch as someone who noticed him was about to be killed.
Shinji pulled away from the men holding him upright with a sudden burst of strength, and barreled past a shocked Kensuke towards Mana. His legs gave out and he buckled forward, landing on his forearms. But the momentum he had was enough to carry him to the doctor, and he blocked her hands from grasping the pistol.
"Don't die," Shinji whispered to her.
A moment later he was pulled away from her, and his arms firmly secured by the cultists. Mana too was hauled to her feet like a rag doll, and Kensuke re-cuffed her hands, all the while giving her dark look of promised revenge for this affront. He picked up his gun and brandished it like a wand.
"Stupid," he spit out. He looked truly pissed.
Mana felt a tinge of legitimate fear. Kensuke had already killed one person. What was stopping him from giving her a repeat performance? She still couldn't believe he did that. It took a genuine nerve for normal people to take a life. Certain ones could be trained to do it, to suppress a lifetime of ingrained morals and ethics and pull the trigger. And even then therapy and counseling were common and oftentimes expected. Mana had never killed anyone. She was trained to do it, and liked to think she could if the circumstances demanded it, but even to see someone, a stranger, a novice, murder another human being right in front of her was disturbing.
Still, she was prepared for death. Growing up in the world she did, she had made peace with it long ago. After all, an Impact, colossal monsters bent on the destruction of the world, and training to pilot a giant war machine did tend to jade a person on the fears of passing away.
Yet that incessant human dread for the end began to creep up behind her resolve and courage. While her face and demeanor remained a front of bravery, she started to feel total panic make her sweat and batter her heart. Mana tried not to shut her eyes in terror.
"Stop," Shinji spoke as Kensuke leveled his gun at the woman's temple.
"This isn't your concern," the bespectacled man said. His eyes turned steely, preparing to take another life. He briefly nodded to his associates, telling them to remove the former pilot from the room. They complied, capturing each of his arms and pulling him away.
"I said stop," Shinji said again.
His voice was calm and composed. But when Kensuke turned to regard him and looked into his eyes he did not see the boy who had been his friend so many lifetimes ago. He did not see the man who had been imprisoned for so long. All he saw was a creature. A thing.
Kensuke looked away. He convinced himself he was imagining it. Shinji wasn't like that, like some animal. He was a person.
He gazed down on Mana. Her jaw was a lock, but her breath was coming in short, nearly silent pants through her nose. She tried to appear defiant and brave, but her body was trembling. He shut his eyes.
After a moment of indecision, he placed the gun back into his coat.
"Let's move," Kensuke said.
They relocated quickly and quietly. They encountered no more agents in the apartment complex, or in the alley below. Mana was hurled into the back of the van again while Shinji was placed in the passenger seat, with a heavy hooded jacket thrown over his head. The other cultists split up, to cover their tracks and set up the necessary details needed to remain out of sight.
At length the van stopped and Shinji was led up into another apartment in another questionable neighborhood, and no one gave him a second look. Even though he was wobbling on his feet and was being escorted by three other men. He wasn't rich or important, so nobody cared. Kensuke, leading the other two, never said a word.
They walked as quickly as they could without fully carrying Shinji, and brought him to the fifth floor. The elevators did not work. He was sweating when they finally stopped. That only further justified this stop in Kensuke's mind. His friend needed time to rest and recover his strength, and not in the back of some dirty little van, like a pet.
The hall ended, and he halted, and the others halted behind him.
"Where's Dr. Kirishima?" Shinji asked.
"Alive."
Kensuke opened a nondescript apartment at the edge of the dim hall, and ushered everyone inside. A word sent the other men carrying him away, to stand guard and keep watch for anyone suspicious. They gave a last, longing look at Shinji, then vanished as Aida shut the door and locked it.
He turned to gaze upon his victory, and openly balked. Shinji, still a little unsteady on his feet, was all but being embraced by a small girl with short jet black hair molded to her head.
Mother fucker, he thought.
The girl gazed up at her savior in total adoration.
"It's really you," Kaede whispered, her face filled with awe and wonder. She looked like a child. "I… it's really you."
"Shinji," Kensuke said, stepping forward to take control of this unexpected turn. "This is—"
"Aino Kaede," she blurted. She blushed a little at her outburst. "Sorry. I… it's an honor to meet you." She couldn't quite force her mouth to utter his hallowed name now that she was actually in his presence.
"Um… hi." Shinji glanced away from the girl before him to his old friend for some kind of further explanation, slightly unsure how to act. It had been a long time since a female was so friendly with him. Or at all. He almost expected to get slapped.
Kaede took advantage of his sudden distraction by quickly leaning forward and inhaling deeply. She drew back just as fast, a light in her eyes Kensuke knew all too well. He reaffirmed his earlier initial opinion that leaving them alone would be a bad idea.
"Yeah," Aida sighed. "Like I was saying. This is Kaede. She's a friend. She's, ah, I guess you could say she helped with what happened today. I mean, I led everything, but Kaede was a part of the planning stage. She—"
The girl couldn't take it anymore. Her hand, almost of its own accord, lurched forward and grabbed Shinji's right. She openly gasped at the sensation, the warmth, the softness, the texture… him. Absently, she felt her underwear was totally ruined now. She wanted to look into his eyes, she really did, but the sight of her hand actually touching Ikari Shinji was completely demolishing any sort of control she possessed. She was frozen, unable to do anything except hold and stare at his hand.
She wished she had a million eyes, cast all around him, viewing every possible inch of his body at once. Cursed with a mere two, she had to make do with absorbing every facet of the divine godliness encased in her palms. For now, for this moment, it was almost enough.
"Um, could you not do that?" Shinji asked.
He could have told her to shoot herself in the head and she would have done it.
"Oh!" Kaede jumped back after a second to restart her brain and retrieve her hands. "Sorry! I… I wasn't thinking! I just, just… sorry."
Touch me, slap me, rape me, fuck me, be angry at me, be disgusted with me, love me, crave me, hurt me, kill me, do anything you want with me just please don't hate me please.
She flung her arms behind her back, contemplating how to cut them off to make amends for this grievous transgression. And to push her modest chest out further.
But she didn't stop staring up at him. She couldn't. Her mouth opened a little. Her eyes were wide and shining. Shinji awkwardly glanced away. Kensuke stepped past him.
"Could you excuse us for a moment?" he asked without really asking. "There's something we need to discuss." He smiled in overt politeness. He quickly collected the girl under his left arm and literally dragged her across the room to a small enclosed kitchen.
"… sure," Shinji said.
As her view of the former pilot vanished when she was towed behind a dead refrigerator, Kaede gave a nearly orgasmic sigh. She clutched her heart and fell against a dirty counter.
"Oh wow," she breathed. It was all she could formulate to sum up her feelings.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Kensuke whispered, planting his hand by her hip. He was desperately trying to keep his anger under restraints and not hit her until she was a paraplegic. This was his moment. No one else's.
"You did tell me to collect all your discs and other important stuff from your apartment, right? Well, I did." She shrank a little. "Sorry, but I just couldn't wait for your call. I wanted to see how things went, and…" Kaede strained her head past him and shyly looked back at Shinji, who was just staring out the window. "I really wanted to meet him. As soon as I could."
Fuck, Kensuke thought. Granted, with the company he kept, it was only a matter of time before some obsessed little girl with a permanent hard on for Shinji showed up, but he knew from experience it was nearly impossible to control Kaede. She had begged him to tag along on the rescue mission, but he told her she wasn't any good to him dead. By "him" he let her decide if he meant himself or Shinji.
"Well, you've seen him. Now get the hell out of here. He isn't up for a party."
"All he has to do is lie back and relax," she said.
He shut his eyes wearily.
"Now is not the time." For you. "He was just rescued from a glorified prison after being tortured for a decade. I don't care how horny you are, I really don't think he's in the mood for some little girl giving him a clumsy blowjob."
"That's ridiculous. Everyone's always in the mood for a blowjob."
"Fine! I'm not in the mood. He needs rest."
"What better way to relax than with—"
"I said no!"
"Fine, fine," Kaede huffed after a moment, trying to wave away this insignificant man and his anger. What, did he think he had exclusive rights on Ikari? Ooh, he led the rescue mission and used to be his friend. Big deal. It wasn't like he was exactly equipped to properly thank the former pilot and savior of the earth the way he deserved. She smiled. "I'll just wait until you go to sleep."
She thought he'd scowl, or sigh, or shake his head. Instead, Kensuke tore his arm from its position by her waist and wrapped it around her neck so quickly she wasn't even aware he had moved until she felt his palm crushing her windpipe. Her body slammed into the refrigerator. She didn't even have time to gasp or make some kind of sound to sum up her surprise and outrage. How dare he—
"Listen to me you little slut," he hissed through his teeth. His hand tightened. "I don't care who you try to control by opening your legs. I don't care if you try to control me. But I will kill you before you dare attempt to use your filthy rancid little hole to get close to Shinji. I don't care if you'd let him fuck your mouth, or your pussy, or your ass, or tell him he could drill a hole in your face and fuck that too. You're just some disgusting perverse bitch and you don't even deserve to have Shinji spit on you. So take a fucking towel, wipe off your slimy legs, and get the fuck out of my sight."
Kaede raised an eyebrow, and leisurely placed a hand on Kensuke's, still gripping her throat.
"How cute," she rasped. "Little Ken-chan is upset and trying to protect his special friend. Maybe if I do leave you can finally get your wish and ram your itty bitty dick up his—"
He punched her in the stomach as hard as he could. She gave a short, surprised "puh" and tried to double over. Kensuke's clawed hand around her neck did not allow her to.
"Maybe you misunderstood me," he said.
Their relationship had always been a healthy mix of sadism and masochism. Not so much in the physical sense, more in the fact that they both cheerfully ripped and shredded each other's emotions, while being fully aware of what they were doing.
They never went on dates. They never asked about each other's childhoods or families. The only time they spoke of their pasts was when she wanted to know something about Shinji. Hers remained a complete blank.
Actually, they never talked about anything except the Evangelion, discussing obscure aspects of the war and trying to attach meaning and symbolism where there was none. They could never accept that it just happened. There was always some hidden, greater meaning to justify all the tragedy that the Angels wrought. But it was just reality. It was not a fantasy. Looking for more, especially from giant uncommunicative entities bent on some incomprehensible goal was pointless. But it was all they did.
Unless they were fucking. Whenever they slept together, it was never making love. It wasn't even sex. Nothing but fucking. Just close your eyes and tear into each other until you can finally cum. They never woke up next to each other, or sang sweet romance in wanting ears. Merely a few moments of superficial physical connection followed by an empty bed.
Empty. That was a fine way to sum up their relationship, their lives. And getting punched in the stomach seemed to remind both of them of that.
Kensuke wasn't disgusted or upset with himself in the least. Nearly all forms of sexism had disappeared since the Impact. Man or woman, if you could do something, you did it, and no one gave a damn about gender. What you kept in your pants was almost a novelty. People were people.
Hitting a woman was still taboo in certain crowds, but to him, to the level of society he belonged to, it wasn't merely a normal occurrence, it was almost expected, no different from hitting a guy. He knew firsthand women could be just as violent and cruel as men. It was all a system of control.
When he was younger, before Impacts and returns and reconstructions, he was a child. He had no control over his surroundings or relationships or what happened to him or the people he cared about. Monsters and robots and war swirled outside his bedroom window and he could do absolutely nothing to help it. He couldn't help himself, or the children forced to fight in it. He couldn't help Shinji. But now he was a man. He made decisions that affected his life and paid bills and fucked and rescued heroes. Everything he did was to keep that fact a reality. To stay a man. Now he could help.
And if he didn't have control he wouldn't be able to. He wouldn't be a man. But he did keep it. He kept it by dissolving the lies of people around him told themselves, by rescuing Shinji, by keeping him safe and protected. Now he could finally, finally help Shinji. Hitting Kaede was nothing but a way to reaffirm his control, his role as a man.
At last he could hurt her like he wanted. He'd been sick of her worship for his friend and disassociation with the real world for months. Almost since he met her. And now he could finally express it. Because he didn't need her anymore. He didn't need a pale imagined substitute for Shinji any longer because he had the real thing just a few yards away. He wasn't forced to feed her his memories or ineffectually relive his past through words to satisfy his desires. He didn't need to now.
Now he didn't even have to talk to her. Now he didn't need to. Because he had him. He was his.
Kensuke withdrew his fist, still planted under her ribs, and slowly raised it to her face. He wiped away one of the tears of pain that slipped from her left eye. His fingers lightly ran down along her jaw to her lips, still parted after the aborted cry, and closed them. He passed his thumb over the seal gently, while the hand around her throat remained hard and unwavering.
"You will not dirty him, understood?" His tone was soft, like he was asking her if she wanted him to eat her out.
He wasn't scared in the least. Kaede wouldn't go running to the authorities. There was no way she'd ever miss her chance at seeing Ikari Shinji. He could cut off her right arm and she'd still keep her fucking mouth shut. He just had to refresh her memory a little.
Kaede didn't respond. Kensuke tilted the hand around her throat up, then down, forcing a nod out of her.
"Good." His hands released her, and her own grasped her stomach and neck. He watched for a moment, then told her: "Get out."
That was all had to say now. Because he knew she'd obey now.
She nodded again, of her own free will, and shuffled out of the kitchen. He nimbly stepped next to her and swept an arm around her back. Kensuke walked her to the door, deftly unlocking it while keeping the girl upright and shielded from Shinji.
"Goodnight, Kaede," he said a cheerful tone. "Sorry you couldn't stay longer." He smiled. He shut the door. After a moment he refastened the deadbolt.
Shinji was staring out the window. It was old, the wood cracked and splintered. The mere fact it was wood told him it was old. The floors and walls were stained and scratched. It smelled like age and humans. He kept staring out the window. The rest of the apartment was on his right, the kitchen, and beyond that a short hall with a bedroom and bathroom on either side. Like a roomy coffin.
He heard nearly everything between Kensuke and the girl, but he couldn't summon any feeling at all. His old friend struck her for trying to be nice to him and… there was nothing inside. Not even the socially ingrained conviction about the sin of hitting women. Just… nothing. All he could dredge up from his emotional abyss was a sustained disappointment, knowing what an utter and terrible horror he was now that he was in the real world again.
"How did you manage to kidnap us?" Shinji asked Kensuke when he moved away from the door. "That was a secure military outpost guarded by trained agents."
"It wasn't as secure as you might think," he said breezily. "There were only six agents stationed to the house at a time. If you were held at a real base, I'd never have any chance to help you... I guess we should thank their misguided attempt to give you a modicum of comfort."
"… yeah."
"But really, okay sure, they were trained pros, but how much time do you think they passed just staring out at nothing, waiting for the day to end, while they guarded you? They got complacent. Lazy. They were easy pickings for someone who knew what they were doing. Understand, I spent a lot of time researching and planning this day."
"But you had help," Shinji stated. "Who were those boys? The ones that assisted you back at the apartment complex?"
"Friends. We… share the same interests. They're all amateur gun enthusiasts, so they know how to handle a weapon, even though they don't have any actual field experience beyond firing ranges. But still. They did a good job."
He paused.
"They're going to leave us alone for awhile. They have some things that need taking care of. Little things like setting up our next few accommodations as we travel and drawing in the network of people who are going to help us. You'd be surprised how dedicated these people are."
"Who put you up to this?" Shinji's asked softly. He knew even if he had connections to a hacker, there was no way Kensuke could find out where he was. He hadn't tried anything like this before. Someone must have told him. Someone important and powerful. "Those men in the suits looked pretty professional. Why did they bother contacting you in the first place?"
"That's been bothering me, too." He shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe they saw me as someone they could use, order around or direct without fear of defiance. Most people see cult members as unintelligent losers willing to do anything to get what they crave. Or maybe they wanted to find out exactly how much I really know."
"Cult?"
Kensuke swore in his head, harsh and furious.
"Um, well…" He adjusted his glasses. "Yeah, there are people out there… you really don't know?"
"No."
Aida debated the wisdom of revealing this tiny aspect of his life to Shinji. But in the end, because he could never deny him anything, even the simplest of requests, he spoke.
"You got to understand, after Third Impact people were incredibly scared. They still are. They felt like God abandoned them, even more so. But, you know, human beings need to believe in something. Anything. So, some people started to see the Evangelions and NERV as, well, not divine, but powerful. The kind of powerful that only Gods can be. And gradually it evolved into a way of life. To venerate those that protected them and made continued life possible.
"And the pilots. They started out as celebrities, but it slowly became… I don't know the right word. Avatars, I guess. Representatives of mankind's will to survive. They acted on behalf of the entire human race, to safeguard them, like heroes.
"And you. You're a champion to so many people, Shinji. A savior. You saved the world so many times, even though it hurt you. You deserve… so much. What the military did to you is a crime. You should be hailed by everyone alive today. It's because of you the world even has a chance to recover. All because of you."
Kensuke cringed, almost reflexively.
"D… don't jump to any conclusions: I'm not like them at all. I mean, sure, I hang out with them, but I don't worship you like they do. They were the ones who helped us escape today. They're a little extreme at times, but they have their uses." He swallowed. "But… but I do think you're a hero."
"A hero," Shinji said quietly. "The only heroes I know are dead."
"No." Kensuke was deadly serious. "No. You are a hero. You always were. I just… I just didn't see it back then, when we were kids. But now… you are a hero, Shinji."
"Time colors memory," the former pilot muttered. He glanced around the room they were in. It was nearly bare, like it was waiting for someone to move into it. But compared to his home, the prison he had known for so long, it seemed like his old apartment.
His eyes fell on several boxes placed against the far wall under a shuttered window. They were all crammed to the brink. Filling them, threatening to spill onto the floor, were dozens and dozens of CD cases, all labeled carefully, like some kind of library or archive. Shinji openly stared, and it took him a few seconds to realize what they were.
"You still have all your discs?"
"It took me years and a lot of money to track them down, but yeah. I have most of them. Why? You want to watch some?" He tried to keep the eagerness from his voice and failed.
"No."
Kensuke turned away to frown. The years had made Shinji hard. He wasn't the skittish little boy he remembered. But having him here, having the real thing was a thousand times better than any fantasy or imitation. He had him. He willed his erection to remain a semi-soft lump against his left thigh.
If he was a woman… everything would be perfect.
"Well, what do you want to do?" Kensuke asked. "You are a free man now." He hid his disappointment of not being thanked yet.
Shinji's eyes remained unchanged. He looked like that sentiment was an insult. When he finally spoke, it was a whisper.
"I've never been free. I never will be."
"You're free, Shinji," he reaffirmed. "Trust me." He resisted the urge to touch him, to make him realize his sudden good fortune. "You are free."
They were quiet for a time. Somewhere below them, a child coughed, and was plain to hear, even through a floor.
"You're an idiot," Shinji finally said.
"… what?"
"I wasn't dangerous where I was. Out in the open like this I'm a threat."
"But… you were a prisoner!" Kensuke shouted. He spread his arms wide. "The army was keeping you locked up like a convict! You can't tell me you were okay with that!"
"Considering the alternative, yes, I was okay with it." He shook his head, almost in pity. "You don't get it. I'm a risk just being here. At the safe house I was alone, and trapped, but I was harmless." He drew a breath. "You need to take me back."
Kensuke had imagined a lot of scenarios of what would happen when he finally rescued his old friend. A smile, a thanks, maybe a hug, and then they could leave the country, change their names, and forget the world. Forget Third Impact and the Evas and NERV, and all the people who ever hurt him. He'd help him forget. Just like when they were children. Just like it was supposed to be.
"I will not let those God damn bastards ever lay their filthy hands on you again. Those monsters at NERV used you for their own gain, and the military took advantage of you after you returned. Like you're some tool to sate their desires and urges. You're not! You're a human being! You're better than anyone else! Better than me, I know. You don't deserve to be locked up. You deserve—"
Shinji's eyes narrowed dangerously and he fixed his eyes on the floor. Kensuke gaped at him, trying to understand what was wrong.
"You're… you're a hero. You're a good person. Why can't you accept that? It's the truth."
Shinji was silent.
"Why aren't you happy? You don't have to be degraded or abused anymore. The military can't touch you. No one can. Not if you don't want it. You can be you, without anyone else ordering you around. You can be free."
Shinji didn't say anything. His face was stoic.
"I killed for you!" Kensuke nearly screamed. "So you could be free! Doesn't that mean anything to you!?"
"No one asked you to."
Aida felt a flash of uncontrollable fury at this man.
"Every day you were trapped in that jail asked me, made me help you. I couldn't just stand idly by knowing you were being kept like a common criminal. Not when you deserved so much more. You… you deserve more than I can give you, Shinji. The most I can do is set you free. The rest… the rest is up to you."
He kept speaking, but Shinji no longer listened. It was like the world and everything in it began to fade. His former friend dulled into an irritating buzz around his ears. The apartment was nothing but a vague sensation of firmness beneath his feet, and the feeling of being reduced to nothing but a caged animal. It was all familiar, because this was how he always felt.
Up to me… my will, to shape my future, to shape my freedom. My free will to shape the world.
I will never be free, Shinji thought. Never. Nothing I do, nothing anyone else does… none of it will ever matter. There is no freedom for anyone, not anymore.
PUNISHMENT
Alone, even surrounded by other people. Alone with an old friend, some weird girl, boys who murdered others to find me, the doctors who talk to me, the guards who tend to me like a dog, that girl who wore Asuka's face, even with Dr. Kirishima. Alone.
I am always alone.
THIS IS MY PUNISHMENT
He looked past his friend. Or, he thought he did. He was losing focus again. The physical world was drawing away, leaving only thought. Noise inside his head. It was like all those times when he was in his room, staring at the ceiling. Or whenever he was in the Eva too long. Like when he killed people. It was almost like he could just… drift away. Let him forget everything bad.
A lot of things had occurred in his life that he didn't expect or want, but lately it had been ludicrous. He could live with being forced into life and death battles against Angels. He could live with never finding love in this world. He could even live with being trapped like a disobedient pet for ten years. But this, the fear of being used again for anything even remotely resembling the Eva program was more than he could allow. Or worse, another Impact.
It was why he lied to Mana so many times. Why he tried to kill himself. He was a threat simply existing. People, mankind… they deserved better than the anonymous subsistence of Instrumentality. It wasn't the laying to rest of all of man's worries. It was a fool's dream and a weak escape. It was an abandonment of everything that made humans human. It made the entirety of mankind's history, all of its accomplishments, all of its suffering, all of it, worthless. Pointless. It made everything Shinji had fought for meaningless and trivial, all the pain and agony he and Asuka and Rei and Misato and everyone at NERV went through a complete joke. It was like he was killing them all again, over and over.
And when the military discovered and captured him, his life had a purpose again. Until he died and turned to dust, he was determined to shield the rest of those who returned from going back to that endless sea of collapse.
No one deserved that fate. The handful of men who sacrificed the rest of the human race to ease their own weakness and frailty, let them throw away their flesh and minds. Their cowardice didn't justify dragging the rest of humanity along with them.
That was what he wanted to think. Existence, individuality… that was the right choice, wasn't it? He made the right choice, didn't he?
Didn't I?
But lately… he was tired. Of the lies, the isolation, the alienation from the rest of the people he worked to save… he was only human, after all. And this, Kensuke's retrieval from mind-killing security, it again made him question the merit of his vow. Were humans truly worth protecting? Were they worth this unending agony? Maybe he should stop trying to vainly make amends for his sins and failings. Maybe he should just accept that he truly was damned and leave mankind to its fate. Let them kill themselves. Let them return to Instrumentality. Let them do anything. Nothing matters anyway.
i hate you
Who was he aiming to impress? Who could ever forgive him his crimes? Who could ever give him a shred of contentment or joy again?
I hate you
He couldn't even remember what it was like to be happy. He supposed he was once, when he had his mother. Even though he had no clear memories of her: he couldn't even remember her face. All that remained was a presence, an atmosphere of peace and care that surrounded and cushioned him from the harsh realities of the outside world. But she was gone, never to return. In a state of undeath, trapped in that sick manmade god, forever. Shinji could never be happy again.
I HATE YOU
Was he ever happy after his mother died, when he could recall it? His time in Misato's apartment, his interaction with Asuka and Ayanami, when his father praised him… did any of it give him any real joy or pleasure? Or were all his memories simply colored by his desperate craving for others to like him? Maybe he just convinced himself to like the connections he had formed, to put up with all of their problems and abuse and manipulation so he wouldn't be left alone again. Maybe he really hated all of them, but couldn't admit it, since they couldn't either.
In other words, I love you.
Shinji thought of Kaworu. He believed he could have been happy with him. He didn't care that he was a boy. He didn't care that he was an Angel. He told Shinji he loved him, and that was enough. That was more than anyone else gave him since his mother. More than Asuka, more than Rei, more than Misato… even though if they had told him he would have devoted his entire life to their happiness, even if they were cruel or cold or controlling with him. It wouldn't have mattered.
I'm so fucking pathetic. I'll surrender myself over to the first person who shows a speck of interest. Even if I end up killing them anyway.
Death may be the only true freedom there is.
Freedom, he mused again. He laughed silently to himself, without any humor. There is no freedom for me. I'll never be free. The only thing Kensuke could ever do for me is shoot me in the head. But even then… I don't deserve to have my wish granted like Kaworu. I don't deserve any kind of peace. Even the artifice of Instrumentality. I don't deserve any kind of freedom.
Shinji closed his eyes and wished for oblivion. His mind swam in orange.
I don't deserve anything.
End of Chapter 9
Author notes: I'm not sorry about the time it took to update this. Something real, real shitty happened. I'm not bitching. I just want to say writing helps me a lot through tough times, and it's really helped me lately. I've been turning out a whole heap of crap recently in an attempt to escape, from drama and waff to angst and lemons. It might take me a bit to finish all of them, and I appreciate your patience. Stay tuned…
Couldn't help it. I just had to bring Kaede back. Don't know if she'll be in chapter 10. Eh, probably. And I have to say I like how fucked up Kensuke's reasoning skills are.
Meh. My chapters were always fairly long and dialogue heavy, but lately… hope you're not totally bored. Number 10 is the conclusion, and is nearly all talk. On that point… ah, when next time rolls around, sit down, make yourself comfortable, bring a snack… it's about 40 pages. Sorry, Sideris, I just couldn't break it up in a good way. So… yeah.
And in case you somehow missed the glaring truth about my other stories, I suck at endings. The end of TLW? Sucked. The end of Witness? Sucked. The end of IKHW? Will suck. Just giving you a heads up. I can't close the deal. I'm just about to verify that again. Again. But I want harsh judgment. Not just because I deserve it, no. It's the only way I'll ever learn.
Also, is it pretentious that I put last names first? Or say "Children?" Yeah, I think so too. How about honorifics? The only reason I started was to bust out that "sama" joke from TLW. I suck.