A long chapter. But hopefully a fun one. Unedited, basically. Diesel is still being my muse, and it is obvious from the way this story has gone entirely to the absurd and ridiculous.
A very special thanks to Stayce, who helped me fill in the gaps and brain storm, and fix pieces. It was and is greatly appreciated!
As always, I own nothing! Just playing J And warnings for language.
And, as always, Diesel LOVES reviews. And I am starting to too. So the more reviews, the more of a chance that we get chapter 4 one quickly. I am motivated to write most any evening. Diesel, however, seems to only be a good muse if he thinks there will be enough glory in it for him. Men. Geez.
Chapter 4
I loved waking up with Ranger. The weird thing this morning was that it was daylight out, and he was still in bed with me, propped up on one elbow and watching me, a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth.
"Morning, Babe." he said as I blinked in the light. The he gifted me with a 200 watt smile. I smiled back and reached for him, burying my face in my favorite spot on his neck and breathing in his scent.
"I hate mornings." I mumbled into his neck. I felt him chuckle, and I sighed. "I like waking up like this, though."
"I can think of better ways to wake up." he rolled us so he was on top of me, and grinned down at me.
"Men." I grumbled. "All you ever think about is -" Ranger cut me off, quite effectively, by catching my lips in a gentle kiss. He ducked his head and dropped a kiss on my collarbone, before meeting my eyes again.
"Not always." He said softly.
I wasn't sure I liked where the conversation was going, so I assumed what I hoped was a playful tone and poked him in the shoulder. "Watch it Batman. I'm starting to think you LIKE my presence in your life."
Ranger raised an eyebrow, before giving me another kiss, filled with tenderness, and shifted us again, so that he was on his back and I was cuddled against his side. I closed my eyes and contemplated falling asleep again. His hand splayed across my back and massaged circles, fingers gently digging in for just the right amount of pressure. I moaned and cuddled closer to him.
His fingers were working me into a state, and I was just getting ready to climb on top of him and have MY wicked way when his watch alarm started beeping. Ranger blew out a breath and kissed the top of my head before rolling both of us out of bed. I stumbled over to my bag and rooted around for my clothes while he killed the alarm and then ordered breakfast.
"Did you run this morning?" I asked when he'd hung up the phone. I looked up in time to see Ranger shake his head, before walking into his closet. "No exercise today?"
"Didn't think you'd want to."
He could have gone on his own, without me, but didn't. I wanted to ask why he didn't, but I wasn't sure I'd like his answer. I bit my lip to keep from asking, and pulled my shirt over my head.
When I could see again, I was spun around and pulled into Ranger's arms. He hugged me, and dropped a kiss on my nose. "Glad you're here, Babe." He said, and then disappeared into the bathroom.
Not five minutes later, Ella came in with breakfast, and we sat down to eat. I grabbed a bagel off of the plate and immediately slathered it in butter, then looked for the jam. Ranger gave his head a nearly imperceptible shake before standing and striding to the fridge. Of course, I oggled his ass, and drooled onto my bagel a bit, as he walked away. Then he came back and set the jar of jam in front of me.
"That stuff'll kill you." He told me, sitting down again. Ignoring him, I opened the jar and smeared a generous amount on my bagel. I bit into it, and a glob of Jam stuck to the bottom of my lower lip. "Babe." Ranger reached out with a finger and wiped it away, before holding his finger to my mouth for me to clean off.
"So." I asked once he had reclaimed his hand and taken a bite of his bagel with lox and cream cheese. He raised an eyebrow at me while he chewed, and waited. "Would you seriously have punched Joe last night?"
"Only if you said yes." He told me.
I swallowed. "Okay."
"Yesterday was the first time you called someone other than me for help." Ranger said, pouring us both another cup of coffee.
I didn't think it would be a good idea to admit to him that I hadn't even thought of him for that situation. At least the other part of the truth was easier. "You didn't really have the skills required for that situation." I thought about Diesel's powder and funky supernatural abilities.
"You made the right choice, Babe."
I opened my mouth to ask why it an issue, then, when it clicked. Oh. I stuffed another bite of bagel in and chewed.
"What are your plans today?" Ranger asked.
"Not sure. I'll go to the office this morning, then probably spend the afternoon trying to find Cupid before he creates any more disasters in my life." Like my life needed his help in the disaster department.
"I've got a meeting at 10. I can help you out this afternoon, if you want."
"Sure." I said, and we continued to eat. I couldn't keep my mind quiet, though, and thoughts kept circling. What did Ranger want from me? Why was I here? And why, if he wanted sex, did he feed me cake - CAKE - and then crawl into bed...The sex was almost an afterthought last night. As if..he hadn't intended it but we fell together naturally. And this morning. And why on earth did he - "Why is Rex here?" I blurted out, then cursed my tongue for getting ahead of my brain. Should not have said that!
Ranger raised one eyebrow. "You brought him with you."
"Why?"
"I asked you to."
"No. You told me to. Why?"
He suppressed a sigh, as if I was an annoying child, and I started to bristle. "I meant to ask." He said quietly.
Huh? That was almost as good as an apology, coming from Batman. "Ok. Why?"
"I wanted..I want you to spend the weekend. We're supposed to go to Mama and Papa's party tomorrow. It's easier if you stay here."
It's easier. Not that he wanted me here, per say, he just didn't want the inconvenience of driving to my apartment. "I could have driven myself, you know." I pointed out. "I'm supposed to meet Celia at two."
"I'll drop you off." Damned ESP. I sighed.
Ranger stood up, and came to my side of the table, pulling me to my feet and wrapping an arm around my waist, pressing his hand against the small of my back. His other hand twined with my fingers. "Just thought it would be easier to spend time with you. It's a busy weekend." He kissed my forehead, then the tip of my nose, and then my lips. Then he stepped away from me, and started to clear the table. We put what was left of breakfast away in easy silence. It was a pretty simple chore, what with Ella and all. All we did was put the leftover food in the fridge, leave the dirty dishes piled neatly on the tray, and we were done. Ranger grabbed his gun off the sideboard and clipped it onto his belt. That made two guns that I knew of, and I knew there was at least a knife in his boot. Probably at least one other in a pocket. He fished through the dish and pulled out the keys to the Turbo.
"I'll pick you up after my meeting. It'll probably be around noon." He told me. Then he reached out with one hand and pulled me to him. Next thing I knew, he was kissing me. I was trying rather desperately to get his shirt off when he broke the kiss and took my hands in his, stilling the movement.
"Later, Babe. No time right now." He said, a tinge of regret in his voice. He kissed me softly on the nose, and then wrapped his arms around me in a hug. "Do you want a ride to the office, too?"
I wasn't ready to give him up yet, I thought, as I rested my head on his shoulder and breathed in the essence of Ranger and Bulgari. "Sure." I said.
Ranger was never much for company when driving, but it was still nice to ride with him. I started to turn Ranger's comment about it being easier to spend time together this weekend if I were at his place around in my head, but forced it out quickly. I wasn't sure if he meant for sex or for company, and I wasn't sure I'd like the answer anyhow. And I didn't want to start wondering why, if he felt it was easier if I was there, that he didn't want me to stay in the first place. I didn't thing I wanted to travel that road right now, it would just eat at me, so I pushed the questions out of my mind, and focused on my day. Nails with Connie and Lula, and then cruising Trenton with Ranger in hopes of finding Cupid. Probably we wouldn't have much luck, but it would be a chance for mindless driving with Ranger...and maybe a quick stop at the apartment. I was really feeling the need for his sheets today. For him between his sheets with me, today.
When we got to the Bonds Office, I opened the door and was halfway out of the car when Ranger's hand snaked out and grasped mine. He brought my palm to his lips and kissed it, before letting my fingers slide through his and letting go. "Be careful." He told me.
He waited until I was in the office before driving off. I saw the Porsche peel away from the curb out of the corner of my eye, as I greeted Connie.
"Lula here yet?"
"Lula's never here on time." Connie rolled her eyes. "I brought all of the polish." We were getting together this morning for a girls morning of a sort. A morning of Donuts, gossip, and nail polishing.
"Since she's late, she'd better pick up the food." I decided. It saved me a trip, since I didn't have a vehicle. "Got any new files?" I asked...Since I was at the Office anyways.
"Nope. It's been quiet." Which was probably good, I mused. Afterall, it gave me more time to catch Cupid before he cause more trouble. God forbid Morelli not marry Elaine.
I flopped on the couch, stretched out, and closed my eyes with a sigh. I crossed my arms beneath my head, and let myself float, trying to empty my mind.
"Rough morning?" Connie asked.
"Nah. Just been thinking too hard."
Connie seemed to accept my answer, and went back to shuffling papers while I voided my brain. It didn't work well, though, and I found myself thinking about Ranger's hands, and all of the incredible things he could do with them. Probably I needed a heavy sugar dose.
"Yo, White girl, whatever you're thinking of, I want me some of that." Lula's voice intruded, directly in my ear. I jumped 3 feet in the air, and landed sitting up.
"Well, you don't get any of it. Mine." I spluttered, trying to gather myself. "Geez, you scared me!"
"You oughta be scared of Lula. Fuckin' A. Especially if you ain't gonna share your delicious thoughts."
"You've got Tank!" I argued. Lula's expression turned thoughtful, and then she grinned.
"Ah. So Batman be the way of it." Yeah. As if she didn't know. "I brought the donuts." she added, turning away and grabbing one out of the box. I stood up and did the same. A good sugar overload was just the thing to get my thoughts away from naked Ranger. Although it was questionable what was better, naked Ranger or a donut. At one point in time I would have said donut, hands down. But... well...No, I guess that's a lie. At one point I would have chosen the donut, but that's only because Ranger still scared me. Or more likely it was because I was still with Morelli. Now... Ranger would win in the battle against the donut any day.
I was still eating my first Bostom Creme when Connie grabbed my left hand and pulled it over. "You're first." She told me. Connie liked doing nails. I think maybe she should have chosen that as her profession, instead of working for my rat of a cousin. But then, I guess working for Vinnie does mean she has plenty of time to do her own, since she basically runs the place. Vinnie couldn't run it if his life depended on it. Connie was the backbone, so Connie could do whatever she wanted to.
"Why are we doing this, again?" I asked as Connie worked on my first hand.
"Because Batman got my man Tank otherwise occupied this morning, and I needed something to do until I get him back." Lula said. Then her face went dreamy, and she sighed. "My man, Tank, he is one fine hunka man."
I grimaced, but Lula didn't see. Connie made a similar face. "I'm stuck here all morning anyhow. This is fun."
That left me. I wasn't sure why we decided to do this, this morning, but it was definitely relaxing. "Better than chasing psychos." I finally decided on.
"Amen to that, Sista." Lula crowed.
A few minutes later, Connie moved onto my second hand, and Lula snatched the first to inspect it. "Hm..." She narrowed her eyes, then looked up. "Where's the black marker?"
"Why?" I asked suspiciously. Lula was rooting around in Connie's nail-care bag, looking for the black marker she kept in it. She glanced up at me and grinned.
"Well, you are Batman's woman, afterall." Oh shit. I didn't need to hear it to know that Lula was going to draw little black bats on all of my fingers.
"NO!" I jerked my hand out of hers, which also jerked my other hand out of Connie's grasp, sending a patch of polish across the side of my finger. "I have a party to go to tomorrow and I can't go with bats on my fingers!" I looked down at my hands. "Nice. You're artistic." I told her. My left hand was sporting three tone nails; courtesy of three different colors polish and Connie's artistic talent. And they looked spectacular.
"Party? How come Lula wasn't invited?"
"It's for Ranger's parents. I'm going with him. And I can't go with bats on my nails!" I added again for good measure.
"You sure? Cause if you're really sure, Ol' Lula will do the bats another time."
"Yeah. You can do them another time." I agreed.
"Now tell me about this party." Lula suggested, giving me a sly grin.
By noon the three of us had perfectly painted nails, and mine were going to match my dress for the next day perfectly, and I still hadn't told them anything about Ranger's family or the party. I was sitting on the couch again listening to Lula go on about Tank - one of her favorite subjects - when Ranger's Porsche pulled to the curb.
Ranger stepped out, and so did Tank. Lula's entire face lit up, and she did a happy dance on the spot. Ranger shook his head, and Tank had the stupidest grin on his face as they stepped into the office, Ranger first, Tank bringing up the rear. As the door was swinging closed, I heard a zinging noise, and Tank stiffened. Unaware, Ranger kept walking towards me, and I had a full view of Tank, as well as the arrow sticking out of his ass.
Tank eyes scanned the room quickly, zeroing in on me. He leered at me, and took a step forward. "Let's get naked." he suggested, advancing on me as if I was prey.
"WHAT?!" Lula roared, at the same time as I uttered my own uncouth swear.
"No way." I told Tank, putting out an arm to fend him off, which I dug around for my cell phone with the other hand. It was an error in judgment, to fend him off at arms length, because he just grabbed my wrist and pulled me into his body.
"You know you want it." He said, stalking towards the wall, backing me as he went. Shit. Where was my stun gun? My cell phone? The phone has to be here somewhere. Tank waggled his eyebrows with me, and pulled my lower body tighter to his.
Fuck. "Somebody Stun Him!" I hollered out. I spared a quick glance at Ranger's face, and he looked mutinous, stalking towards Tank himself. "Not kill. Stun!" I told him. "Lula! STUN HIM already!" I couldn't find my phone. Where the hell was my fucking phone? Where the hell was CONNIE???
"I'm not gonna stun my man, I might fry his brains. I'm gonna stun YOUR ass for poaching my man, white bitch." Lula growled. And I couldn't find my phone. I had Tank trying to molest me, Ranger stalking him from one side without paying any attention to my demands for a stun gun, and Lula stalking ME from the other. And I couldn't find my fucking phone. Aha. There it was. I flipped it open and hit speed dial 3. It started to ring.
"His brain's already fried, STUN him!" I demanded, as Tank licked a trail from my ear to my chin. I twisted, trying to get out of his grasp, but it didn't work. Ranger pounced towards Lula, as she lunged at me with her stun gun at the ready.
"Uh...I don't think I want to know." Diesel's voice came through on the phone.
"Don't you dare hang up. Get your ass over here and FIX this." I demanded, as Lula's body connected with mine, knocking the phone out of my hands and me out of Tank's arms. Thank God. At the same time, Ranger caught Lula from behind, and she jerked back in a reflex reaction and the stun gun connected with his shoulder. He dropped like a sack of rocks, and everyone went still. Even Tank forgot about me momentarily, and I bolted further away from him.
"Oh Shit. Batman's gonna kill me."
"Better you than me." Tank said. Lula's face went even darker.
"He's gotta wake up first." I pointed out. "Now STUN TANK DAMMIT!" I shrieked, as Tank bounded towards me once again.
"NO! THAT'S MY MAN!" Lula roared, and she came flying at me, claws extended. Now I was dodging two irrational beings, both built like brick shithouses. I ducked around the chair and hopped onto the couch, bouncing across. I tripped on my way back down but managed to catch myself with some fancy dancing and stayed on my feet. As I bolted past the door, I ran smack into Hal, who was walking in.
I pushed off of him with one hand and ducked around the desk as Connie left Vinnie's office. "Lotta help you are. Somebody fucking STUN HIM!"
Connie rushed over to Hal, as he pulled a stun gun out and flicked a switch. Thank god, only a couple more seconds of dodge-rambo and it would be taken care of. Then I saw the door swing open of it's own volition and another arrow flew through. It hit dead center of Hal's left butt cheek, and his eyes glazed over. He turned. Oh shit. Another one.
"Connie." He said, reaching one hand out to grasp hers. "You're an angel."
"FUCK!" An inhuman voice reverberated through the air, and a wooshing sound came from outside. And Butch and Butch-er were still chasing me. I dodged past the chair and knocked it in Tank's path, but he ducked around it easily. Lula tripped over it and went sprawling, but was on her feet and after me again in a flash. I caught Diesel's reflection in the door, and then he was gone again.
"GAH!" I tried to get to Vinnie's office, but Lula blocked the way. I was caught between the two, both ready to attack, when Diesel swaggered through the door. Hal jerked, spun, and stunned him.
Oh fuck. Now I'm REALLY screwed.
Diesel flew backwards into the wall, dropped on his ass, and sat there, dazed. "That HURT." he shook his head hard, and climbed to his feet. He grabbed the stun gun from Hal, and, thank all the Gods, bounded over and stunned Tank. He dropped to the ground.
"My MAN!" Lula roared, and rushed at Diesel. He deftly moved to the side, reached out, and Lula dropped beside Tank.
"Thank you. Now fix it." I demanded. Diesel raised an eyebrow at me, but it was all I could do to stay on my feet. I bent at the waist and placed my hands on my knees, panting.
"You wanna see this?" He asked. "Before I pull the arrow out?" I looked up. Tank was lying on his stomach, ass in the air, arrow still sticking out. Diesel grinned at me, grabbed the arrow, and yanked. I ducked my head again and didn't even pay attention as Diesel pulled his powder out of his diaper and did his thing over Tank's prone body. "Do I have to wipe their memory too?" Diesel gestured towards the door.
I looked over to Connie and Hal. They weren't paying attention at all, although Connie did seem to finally notice the arrow protruding from Hal's ass and reached behind him to yank it out. Diesel looked over at the couple.
"Him too, huh?"
"Connie, my angel, my love. Will you have dinner with me?" Hal pleaded. He had Connie's hand grasped tightly in both of his, and was looking at her with an expression of total adoration. Diesel walked over with his powder in hand.
Connie must have seen more than we realized, because she instantly stepped between Hal and Diesel. "No." She demanded. "I like him."
"Well, actually-" Diesel started. I grabbed Lula's stun gun off the floor, reached out, and hit him with it. Diesel flew backwards and landed on his ass again, before shaking his head and climbing to his feet.
"Leave Hal alone. They're cute together. And Connie's related to family." I glared. Then I looked at the stun gun, Diesel, and the gun again. "Cool."
"If you would have let me finish, I was going to say they are a good match." Diesel scowled at me.
"I can keep him?" Connie asked.
"He's not a pet, Con." I looked at Diesel. "Will they be happy?"
"Yup." He said.
"Let's go get lunch." Connie told Hal. Hand in hand, they left the office. Huh. They were both smitten. I was still panting, so I sat on the couch and put my head in my hands.
"What the hell took you so long?" I demanded between breaths.
"Was just about through the door when I heard Cupid. I went to try and find him."
"The voice that yelled fuck?" I asked.
"Yup. He's pretty pissed that Hal backfired."
"Huh?" I mustn't be too swift because Hal and Connie seemed like a great match to me.
"Not Connie. He was meant for you."
I stood up and stalked towards Diesel, my eyes narrowed. "What didn't you tell me yesterday?" I demanded.
"Nothing." Diesel shrugged. I snaked my arm out and stunned him. Again, he went flying before bouncing off of his ass and back onto his feet. "Would you quit doing that?!"
"Tell me the truth." I snarled at him. I was fed up, out of breath, and pissed off.
"He's targeting you."
"Why?"
"Because I enlisted your help." Diesel admitted, jumping to the side to avoid me in case I tried to stun him again.
"Great. So now I have a psychotic unmentionable after me, who is making everyone fall in love with me. And it's all your fault!" I countered his sideways move and almost, almost managed to get him with the stun gun again.
"Stun me again, and I won't help you next time."
"Refuse to help and if I find Cupid I'll help him hide." I threatened. Diesel looked at me for a minute.
"Just...Geez. Be careful. And don't let these three kill each other when they wake up. Tank and Lula won't know what happened, but I didn't dare mess with Ranger's memory. He could make life very painful."
"Don't you mean he could kill you?"
"I'm hard to kill."
"I wouldn't underestimate Ranger." I told him.
"Oh. I don't. Believe me. That's why he's still got his memory. Ciao!" He said, and opened the door.
"Wait. Is..." I stopped, and wondered if I should even be asking.
"Is what?" Diesel turned around.
I took a breath. "Is Ranger..unmentionable.. too?"
"Nah." Diesel said, heading through the door. "He's 100 human. He's just damned good." And the door swung shut behind him, and he was gone.
I turned around and surveyed the scene around me, my thoughts spinning in circles. The couch was askew from the wall, the two chairs knocked over across the floor, papers scattered all over hell's half acre behind Connie's desk... The office was a warzone. And two tough Special Forces men and one ex-hooker were lying prone on the floor, drooling. We had completely drained the batteries on two stun guns. I oughta buy stock in Duracell, I'd make a fortune. Welcome to the life of Stephanie Plum, I thought, as I bent down under the one chair to retrieve my cell phone. It couldn't get any weirder. No wonder I can't seem to have a real relationship. No one in his right mind would want me.
I sank down to the floor and sat by Ranger's head. A few strands of hair had escaped from his ponytail and had fallen over his face. I brushed them back and trailed my fingers down the planes of his face while I waited for the three musketeers to come back to the land of the living.