a/n: Thank you so much for the reviews. It's great to know that there are people enjoying the story. This part is what I meant when I said back to the beginning. It is by no means the end however. Please keep the reviews coming.

Alex stood at the edge of the stage. There were photographers and reporters and news crews everywhere. They were all there for him; they were all there because they wanted to talk to him. He was their hero.

He didn't belong here he thought. This shouldn't be happening. He wasn't a hero. He still didn't understand why people seemed to think he was. Anyone else would have done what he did. He was just in the right place.

Since the shooting he hadn't done anything right. First he was there too much, but then he wasn't there when he needed to be. Yesterday had possibly been the first day he'd actually got the balance right but it hadn't done any good.

He'd spent the day in Izzie's room reading a loud. The magazine he'd brought that morning was about cars. He knew Izzie couldn't care less about cars but he'd decided that she had to wake up and tell him to stop. That was his new strategy, bore her into waking up, well not bore, more annoy. He was so sick of reading tabloids.

But Izzie didn't wake up, she didn't do anything. All the progress she'd been making had disappeared following the previous days events. She didn't open her eyes to his voice; she didn't squeeze his hand when he squeezed hers. Shepard said that was okay, he said that's what often happens. For the first time Alex understood what it felt like for a doctor to tell you 'recovery is sometimes a one step forward two steps back process." He understood why families would sometimes lash out at doctors when they said that. It was frustrating to hear. He wanted to lash out, he wanted to yell. "Just make her better." But he knew Shepard was doing everything he could and ultimately this wasn't up to Shepard it was up to Izzie.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like you to please welcome onto the stage Alex Karev."

The Chief stood on the stage beckoning for Alex to come join him but Alex just stood there frozen. He couldn't go on the stage; he couldn't face everyone and let them call him a hero. He wasn't a hero, he was just a person. He walked away from the stage and back inside the hospital.

He started walking toward Izzie's room but stopped and headed for an empty on call room instead. He couldn't see Izzie, not now, not this second. He locked the door to the room and started crying.

He couldn't remember the last time he cried. Like really cried. Tears didn't just slide out his eyes, his whole body shook. He felt like he was being torn apart from the inside out, literally. It was violent, painful, and so good all at the same time. After a while there was nothing left to cry. He just sat there on the bed, numb, emotionally, physically drained.

He didn't know what to do with himself. He wanted to see Izzie but he wasn't in the right state of mind for that right now. He was still sitting there trying to work out what to do when he heard someone knocking on the door.

"Alex, are you in there? It's me. Meredith."

Alex took a deep breath, tried to make himself as composed as possible and opened the door. Meredith slipped inside and shut the door. She sat down next to him on the bed.

"What happened out there Alex?" She asked. "I've never seen you like that."

"I couldn't do it. I couldn't go out there, stand on that stage and let them call me a hero."

"But Alex, you are a hero. Your actions saved dozens of lives."

"I'm not a hero. I wasn't trying to save dozens of lives. I was only trying to save one." His voice trailed off and they sat there silently.

"Is that what's really bothering you Alex? People calling you a hero?"

"They expect me to be proud, grateful even for what they're saying. But I didn't do anything special, I was just there. Anyone else would have done it."

"There were other people there Alex. You were the only one who stopped him."

"But I didn't stop him in time."

"She was already down when you came into the room. There was nothing you could have done."

"I should have been there."

"You didn't know what was going to happen. Don't start playing the 'should have', 'what if' game. We can't change the past and we can't predict the future."

"I'm scared."

"I know. We all are."

"What if she…"

"We'll deal with it when it happens." Meredith paused. Silence hung in the air. "She's going to get through this."

Alex didn't respond. He had his head down looking at his beat up hand. He didn't even know if he was going to get through this. Meredith reached down and took his hand. "We're going to get through this," she said and she slipped something cool and hard inside of his hand. It was the medal the Chief was supposed to give him. "How about we go up stairs and show that to her." She said standing up and moving toward the door.

Alex slowly stood up to follow. He wasn't sure if seeing her now was the right thing to do. He still felt really flat and wasn't ready to be upbeat but Meredith seemed to think it was a good idea.

They walked to her room in silence. Alex twisted the medal around in his hand a tiny distant part of him was proud to have it.

/\/\/\

There was a commotion going on around the ICU wing. Several nurses were running in and out of various rooms. It wasn't until Alex and Meredith got closer that they realized one of the rooms was Izzie's.

Her room was full of doctors and nurses. Well Dr. Shepard and half a dozen nurses. They were all gathered very tightly around Izzie's bed. Alex couldn't see a thing. "What's happening?" he asked to no one in particular. No one answered. He felt Meredith grab hold of his arm. "What's happening?" he asked again.

Again no one answered but a few of the nurses moved. Through the gap he could see Shepard leaning over Izzie, slowly removing her ventilator.