title: The Ukette
author: myinukoi
pairing(s): Sasuke/Sai/Kakashi/Neji/Lee/Gai/Shikamaru/Chouji/Asuma/Shino/Kiba/Gaara/Kankuro/Kabuto/Itachi - Naruto
rating: T (Teen)
warning:BL (boy love), serious oocness, language, somewhat au (still ninjas; just in a different environment).
disclaimer: Naruto © Masashi Kishimoto
Bold: Confessional Room
C h a p t e r 2: Heartbreaking . Beauty . And . Dinner . Schemes
"...This is the fourth closet and yet another bathroom. That ends our tour!" Moegi blushed in front of all the men.
"Thank you, young girl! You're youth inspiring tour truly made this experience all the more invigorating!" Gai beamed. Moegi sweatdropped.
"Ah," she began, "No probl--"
"Oi! Naruto said that you should all meet him in the entry hall!" Konohamaru cut off Moegi as he gestured for all the guys to follow.
As the fifteen men lined up in the entry hall, they were greeted by a grinning Naruto and an amused Iruka.
"Ah, you're all here!" Naruto beamed at the group of blushing men."Time to give out bedroom arrangements!"
The men groaned.
"Does anyone get to share a room with you?" Sai called out from the back.
Naruto blushed heavily. "Uh...no. Sorry."
The shinobi sighed, disappointed.
"Well, Iruka-sensei, d'you wanna help them out with the bedroom arrangements?"
"Of course, Naruto." The scar-nosed Chuunin turned to face the group of men. "There will be three to a room.
"In Bedroom Number One," Iruka glanced at his list, "...will be Nara Shikamaru, Rock Lee, and Inuzuka Kiba."
Shikamaru's Confessional: Out of the entire group, I get the two most hyperactive retards! Can you believe that? Ugh...what troublesome bullshit. At least I'm not sharing a room with Gai-sensei...
"Bedroom Two: Uchiha Sasuke, Hyuuga Neji, and Sai."
Sasuke Confessional: I share a room with my top two rivals for Naruto's heart: Sai and Hyuuga. And then I find out my brother is in the competition! If I don't win this, I'mma Chidori Sai's balls, Naruto! Be-li-eve it!
Sasuke, Neji and Sai were glaring heatedly at each other but Iruka ignored them and continued with the next room.
"In Bedroom Number Three will be: Aburame Shino, Sabaku No Gaara, and Kankuro."
Kankuro's Confessional: Is this a joke to them? They set me up with my psychotic brother, who hate's me even more now because I'm trying to steal his 'mate', and the dude who's still pissed at me for quitting at the Chuunin exams during our match. Is Naruto worth that...? (thinks of Naruto's ass) Yeah...definitely worth it. Definitely! Oh shit... (nosebleed...)
"Bedroom Four," Iruka glanced once again at his sheet of paper attached to a clipboard, "Uchiha Itachi, Yakushi Kabuto, and oooh," Iruka chuckled, "Akamichi Chouji."
The group tried their hardest, using all the ninja training to bite back their laughter by glancing at random objects in the large hall while sending pity looks towards Chouji.
Sai wasn't even trying.
He rolled on the floor, giggling his ass off, and was only able to catch his breath while taking long, dramatic gasps.
Chouji, enraged at Sai's lack of pity and sympathy, kicked the giggling boy hard in his exposed stomach.
"Hahaha...ouch!" he began rolling around on the floor in pain.
Chouji uncharacteristically smirked.
"Okaaay..." Naruto chuckled a bit at their antics. "Please continue, Iruka-sensei."
"Right. And the last inhabitants for Bedroom Five are: Hatake Kakashi, Maito Gai and Sarutobi Asuma."
Gai's Confessional: Hahaha! I am teamed up with my eternal rival, Kakashi! I must compete with him for the affections of... um...what was his name...? (sweatdrops) Er...the blond boy! Hahaha!
"Get to your rooms but meet us at the dining hall in thirty-five minutes. Naruto will then get some personal time with all of you and decide who leaves." Iruka stated amused at their shocked expressions.
"We just got here and already somebody is leaving after dinner? Then what's the point of unpacking?" Kiba questioned.
"Well, if you are truly confident that you are the one for me," Naruto began, "Then you can unpack with no thoughts of having to leave tonight. If you think you are already going home, don't bother unpacking, come to dinner, and wait to get eliminated."
Naruto's Confessional: Yeah. I can be philosophical like that.
"Good enough for me, dobe." Sasuke said, taking his suitcase and marching up the stairs. The other fourteen followed.
"Damn, Iruka-sensei. This'll be fun!" Naruto gave his famous grin, promising mischief.
In Bedroom 1:
"Tch...how troublesome." Shikamaru muttered, slowly unpacking his luggage.
"Nara, if you say that 'T' word around me again..." Kiba left the threat in the air. Akamaru, who Kiba just pulled out from underneath his jacket, growled at the genius.
"Wow!" Shikamaru scoffed in mock astonishment, rolling his eyes and gesturing towards Kiba,"this one knows his alphabet..."
"Grrr...!" Kiba and Akamaru growled simotaneously.
Lee sighed, deciding that in Bedroom 1, he would be the peacemaker, a role that he played out all-too-well in life.
In Bedroom 2:
Glare.
Glare.
Glare.
In Bedroom3:
"O-okay," Kankuro stuttered, "I-I'm just gonna make myself comfortable r-right here." He stuttered, slowly taking a seat on the bed, conveniently closest to the door.
"No." Gaara said glaring at Kankuro, "That's my bed."
"O-o-of course, Gaara. I'll just sit over here..." he said, bowing an apology to his younger brother and moving to the bed on the opposite side of the room, near the window.
He was roughly shoved to the floor by an irate irate bug lover. Kankuro gazed up at Shino, in shock at the stoic teen's rude behavior.
"I stay by the window." He said in a dull, monotone voice. "I need the fresh air if I'll be staying in a room with you."
"S-Sure..." Kankuro stuttered again, and moved to the only bed left.
Right in between the two boys..
Kankuro's Confessional: Damn it all!
He wearily lied down on the bed, sighing as the warm blankets over-rode his fear-filled nightmares of Suna desert sand and vicious chakra-sucking insects.
In Bedroom 4:
"Kabuto." Itachi asked, packing away his underwear. "Where is the fatass?"
The said boy shrugged, "I dunno. I heard he was making dinner..."
"For us all?" the eldest Uchiha asked glancing at the medic-nin...
"Yeah," Kabuto shrugged again. "I guess."
"Ugh...his food will make me gain horridly, flabby love handles on my perfectly sculpted, heavenly hips."
Kabuto sighed and rolled his eyes.
Kabuto's Confessional: Honestly, we all know the man is fucking gorgeous. No one's denying that... but, dammit, does he have to remind us every minute of everyday? As if we don't feel self-conscious enough already... I mean, he is bunking with a Porky Pig and a...well...me!
"What's that you got there?" Itachi asked, turning away from his daily 'mirror-posing' and putting back on his dark shirt, to look at vial in Kabuto's hands.
"Oh! This!" Kabuto chuckled shyly. "My medication. If I don't take some, I'll be snoring like a grizzly bear all night."
"Well then, you better not forget to down it. I better not loose my beauty sleep because of your roaring racket. If all goes well, dammit, I might wake up looking better than I do now!" Itachi then re-faced the mirror to practice his 'sexy-smirks'.
"You can look better than you do now?" Kabuto wondered idly.
"Hm...?" Itachi wondered. "Probably not. But it never hurts to try."
Kabuto's Confessional: I. Hate. Him.
In Bedroom 5:
"D'ya think Naruto is into older guys?" Kakashi wondered aloud.
"Age does not matter, dear eternal rival, Hatake Kakashi, as long as the blazing fire of youth continues to burns vibrantly in our youthful souls!" Gai beamed.
"He is into that elder Uchiha though..." Kakashi wondered again, seemingly ignoring Gai.
"The elder Uchiha that destroyed his clan in a single night? Well, it does not matter! I will work ten times harder than my eternal rival, Hatake Kakashi, to protect this...blond boy...and prove my undying, and ever-so-youthful love to him!" Gai pumped a fist into the air.
"Yeah, but did you see Itachi?" Asuma asked Kakashi tapping his chin in wonderment, "He looks ten times better than all of us put together! No wonder he has to wear a cloak that covers half of his face! If not, the fangirls would rip him apart - unrivaled ninja skills or not!"
"But our wistful and youthful personalities can surely overpower the cold shell of the broody Itachi Uchi-" Gai began loudly, but was cut off.
"Yeah, Asuma," Kakashi sighed dejectedly, "I heard from Iruka that Naruto picked Itachi without even reading his background, only seeing his picture."
"Yet surely-" Gai was once again cut off by the depressed men.
"Should we show Naruto what a horrible person Itachi really is?" Asuma asked the Copy-Cat nin inquisitively.
"Fellow comrades...!" Again, cut off. Poor Gai.
"No. Naruto's bright (though you could hardly tell), and if Itachi is truly the man we all know him to be, Naruto will step in and eliminate Itachi like I know he will." Kakashi said, immediately brightening up at the thought.
Gai sweatdropped and face-faulted all too dramatically, catching the attention of his two roommates.
Silence.
"Sorry, Gai. Did you say something?" Kakashi asked, raising a silver eyebrow that became instantly hidden beneath his Leaf-engraved head protector.
The ego-damaged, abusedly-neglected Taijutsu master face-faulted and sweatdropped again...tenfold.
Half an hour later, all fifteen men were gathered around the large dining table as well as The Uke, The Advisor, and of course, Konoha's Number One Uke Protection Squad. Can't let The Uke out of their sight now, could they?
As the guests took their seats, Chouji, along with many chefs and servants, came harboring plates and plates of hot, steaming food. A different dish was placed in front of all the guest.
Chouji took his seat and grinned proudly as the men...and Moegi, began to munch happily on their dinner.
"Mphwyou, Fchwougi! Gfverrry gwyaummy!" Naruto smiled as best as he could with barbeque ribs jutting out of his mouth.
Iruka, who has been on many ramen dates with Naruto and already a qualified expert at what was offically dubbed, 'Naruto Food Talk', took the liberty to translate.
"Wow, Chouji! Very yummy!" Iruka translated the blond's incomprehensible speech. He then talked to Chouji on his on accord. "Naruto barly ever eats anything other than ramen. I don't know how you did it, but this is definitely earning some extra points for you!"
Chouji smirked.
Shikamaru, who was sitting conveniently next to his overweight best friend, turned towards the obviously proud boy. "Why'd you decide to make something troublesome and messy for Naruto like," he shuddered as Naruto took another sloppy bite from the coated rib, "barbeque ribs."
Chouji turned his sadistic smirk towards his best friend. "Shikamaru, Shikamaru, Shikamaru." He shook his head in mock disappointment. "And here they call you intelligent." He then grinned. "A man's brain capacity isn't mearly judged by a biased IQ test." Shikamaru, shocked by his friend's mature behavior and utter eloquent vocabulary, could only listen.
"Creating a culinary dish other than ramen, is only able to get me more brownie-points than the rest of you slackers. It's only so obvious that I can please him in all areas. Bigger is better, as they say. Anyways, I don't recall your troublesome ass, or any of theirs," the plump boy glanced around at the thirteen other Semes, "doing something for the blond. And besides all that, I still get a great dessert..." Chouji said, eyes twinkling mischievously as he leered at the oblivious blond.
Naruto, finished with his meal, began slowly and languidly licking the brown barbeque sauce off his fingers in a unbelievably suggestive way, but once his hands were spit-shine clean (literally) he looked at his guests only to find them unconscious in a pool of blood and drool.
A sad sight indeed.
Once all fifteen men recovered, they were led into a large intricately-decorated round room that could not easily be mistaken with another.
The Elimination Room.
There, on a red table clothed desk on the right side of The Uke, were fouteen laid out ramen cups, standing tall in all their styrofoam glory.
Iruka's Confessional: We asked him, begged him, to choose something more...romantic. Roses? Chocolate? Teddy bears?! (shakes head) Freakin' ramen cups!
"Ah," Naruto sighed. "I'm sad to see someone leave, but it's necessary. I need to get these contestants narrowed down as soon as possible. Yet remember what you all promised me. Once this is over with, we'll still be friends, got it?" When the men nodded their confirmation, the blond continued. "Good. Let's see here, the first cup shall be handed to..."
Pause.
"Hyuuga Neji."
The Byakugan-user smirked, coming to greet the blond and roughly hitting Sasuke and Sai in the shoulder on his way to him. They glared molten holes in his back, but his sneer wavered not once as he kissed the blond hand gently and accepted the cup that had his name, surprisingly, printed intricately in golden thread at the bottom base of the cup.
As he walked back to his previous position he was so caught up in the joy of his name being called first that he bearly heard the, "Chouji Akimichi," leak from the blond's pink lips.
Sai's Confessional: Hell. No. He did not pick that tub of nasty-ass lard before me.
Chouji accepted the ramen cup, smirking cruelly at Shikamaru the entire time. They might be friends, but this was a competition, and he has to take down everyone that got in his way.
"Uchiha Itachi!" The blond blushed when the crimson eyes looked his way. The man slowly sauntered (AN: Thanks Chibi-Strawberry.) towards the Kyuubi-vessel, grabbed the cup in one hand and Naruto's cheek with the other. He slowly bent down and whispered something into the blond's ear that had the former blushing so brilliantly he could rival the color of the Uchiha's Sharingan.
"Uh..erm...maybe later, Itachi, m'kay...?" Blush. Blush. "Er...Uchiha Sasuke!" The blond called the next name after quickly gathering his wits.
The younger Uchiha grumbled as he made his way towards Naruto.
Sasuke's Confessional: Dammit! Why does Itachi get all my ukes? Am I not hot, mysterious, and broodingly sexy? Damn you, Itachi! I can make Naruto blush too!
As Sasuke accepted his cup, he bent down and whispered the dirtiest thing his poor anger-coated brain could think of.
Naruto blinked.
And blinked.
And...
...blinked one more time.
Then disgust morphed his usually care-free features into a gruesome scowl as he roughly pushed the Uchiha away, muttering how he was a horrible ecchi-ecchi hentai and that if he even tries that shit with him, he will get his poor ass eliminated so fast he'll be suffering the whip-lash for weeks.
Sasuke, angrier now more than ever, passed a happily smirking Sai and Neji to return to his original post. He glared at Itachi, and became even more irate when he saw Itachi mouth the words, 'It's all in the tone. You lack the Uchiha's infamous sexy tone, little brother.'
Naruto, still glaring at Sasuke - who was still glaring at Itachi, decided to continue.
"Aburame Shino." The bug user collected his cup without sparing a glance at anyone but the blond.
"Nara Shikamaru." The genius muttered a quick 'troublesome' before retrieving his cup as well.
And the cups were slowly disappearing, as Kakashi, Rock Lee, Asuma, Kiba, Sai, Gaara, and Kankuro were selected.
And that meant only two Semes and one ramen cup remained.
Gai and Kabuto nervously waited for The Uke's final decision.
The name of the chosen lay on the bottom base of the final ramen cup. The future-departer only known by three Genins, a fatherly advisor, and a blond uke.
As Naruto was about to call out the final name and lift the cup, his knees buckled.
Many gasps echoed through the group of men but Naruto quickly stuttered an, "I'm fine," before preparing to continue.
That was, until he felt a searing pain in his head. He dropped the cup and it rolled under the hidden confinements of the crimson-draped table. He pulled at his hair, before a searing white-hot pain collided with his forehead and his world went black.
Before the group could even grasp what happened, much less help the blond, his eyes snapped open and his cerulean orbs resembled two cloudy blue crystal balls.
He suddenly stood up rigidly and walked as if he was the living dead. To say the least, everyone was quite freaked out.
Naruto then lunged and latched onto Kabuto, kissing him senseless. Sasuke, recovering from the shock first, immediately went over to pull Kabuto off of his precious about-to-be-raped Naruto (he was obviously in denial that it was Naruto doing the molesting), when he was stopped by a pale hand. He followed it up to glare at no other than Itachi.
"Let me take care of this, little brother. I don't see how yet, but I'm sure you will find a way to screw this up. I, however, already found the solution to this..." He glanced down at the snogging couple, "...horrible, horrible mishap."
Itachi picked Naruto effortlessly off of Kabuto, and kicked the gray-haired teen in the stomach.
"Naruto," Itachi began, "was drugged with a very powerful, illegal aphrodisiac. It is a clear, odorless liquid that can easily be placed and undetected in, more or less, any food or drink. The aphrodisiac is very near irresistible. I know from personal experience thanks to-" He shuddered. "-many, many, many fangirls. This rat," Another kick in the gut for Kabuto, "must have snuck into the kitchen and drugged the barbeque sauce for Naruto's ribs."
Chouji blushed and Shikamaru smirked.
Shikamaru's Confessional: Not so high and mighty are you now, big guy?
"Wait," Sai interrupted, in hopes of making the elder Uchiha look bad, "if you figured all of this out, how do you know it was Kabuto who put it in the food? It could be someone else. You could have drugged him yourself, rescued him, and explain all this crap - just to make yourself look good." Sai nodded, proud of his defense.
Itachi rolled his eyes. "I bunk with Kabuto. I know these things." He sighed. "Let me explain..."
Flashback:
In Bedroom 4:
"What's that you got there?" Itachi asked, turning away from his daily 'mirror-posing' and putting back on his dark shirt, to look at vial in Kabuto's hands.
"Oh! This!" Kabuto chuckled shyly. "My medication. If I don't take some, I'll be snoring like a grizzly bear all-night."
Flashback End
"I, technically owning the mansion, was able to get onto the internet and do some quick-research before dinner..."
Flashback:
Itachi shifted the wire-rimmed glasses on his nose awkwardly as he stared at the computer screen.
"Hn... I was right," Itachi smirked, "That's no sleep medication. Looking here..." He trailed off as he scrolled down a list of alliances with Orochimaru, wincing inwardly at his brother's name, and saw that indeed, Kabuto was a perfectly well sleeper. As well as a top-rated drug-brewer...
He clicked a link to reveal more of Kabuto's self-made drugs. Idiotically, there was a large picture of a very familiar colorless drug that made large profits in the black market (most sellings going to Uchiha fangirls...).
Right next to it, was a recipe for the antidote.
Flashback End
"And so, I have this..." He showed the Semes a vial of a crimson-colored fluid (the antidote) and slipped the entire contents into the wailing blond's mouth.
He then raised a single black-painted fingernail in the air and called out, "Konoha's Number One Uke Protection Squad!" His soft dark hair cast an ominous shadow over his eyes, only to have his head shoot back upward, crimson irises flashing dangerously as he gracefully brought his finger down onto the currently squirming-in-pain Kabuto. "Go!"
The three Genins, previously surprised that such a high-ranking ninja would put so much faith in them with a loyal subordinate to Orochimaru, quickly abandoned their state of shock to smirk coyly.
"We have the perfect weapon!" Kohamaru stated in utmost confidence.
Smirk. Smirk. Sniff.
Moegi quickly went to retrieve a black leather suitcase. Within the leather suitcase was a dark red box. Within the dark red box was a smaller green box. Within the smaller green box was an orange nylon bag...
...and twenty-five protective/secretive cases later, the three kids came upon a light brown envelope.
"We must ask-" Sniff. "-that all Semes-" Sniff. "-please turn around-" Sniff. "-in order to protect one's-" Sniff. Sniff. "-vital blood supply." Udon finished, with a final sniff.
Iruka's Confessional: We really need to get Udon something to take care of that runny nose.
The Semes looked at the eleven year old skeptically. Who is he to boss them around? They can tear him limb from lim-
Itachi, who was already turned around, and seemingly predicting the other men's thoughts, called to the men coldly. "The boy said 'Turn around'."
Without hesitance, all fifteen men (including Iruka, can never be too careful) turned around. Moegi, the only one in the residence fully qualified to establish the Ultimate Weapon, opened the envelope and placed the photo in plain view of the quite curious Kabuto.
Kabuto, feeling the blood pressure in his head become far too unbearable, sent a shooting waterfall of warm red blood spurting out of his nose, sending him twenty feet across the room and hitting the far right wall. Slumping to the ground, ivory pieces of plaster followed him down as large faults cracked the wall from the forceful impact.
Moegi, under qualified training, swiftly put the photo back into it's many confinements, before the Semes could even turn around to take a peek at the horrible incident.
But when the did turn around, it would be an understatement to say they were shocked to find an unconscious Kabuto, a wide crimson trail of blood, and three Genins posing Charlie's Angel style.
"Never mess with Konoha's Number One Uke Protection Squad, if your not able to handle the consequences!" They chanted, out of what one could bet, many days of practice.
The room was silent until a cheering Gai and Lee broke the uncomfortable quiet.
"Yea! Woot! Never underestimate the power of Youth!" Gai cheered.
"Their utmost vitality and heroic efforts to save their precious Naruto never ceases to amaze me!" Lee cried.
The crowd, ignoring them, opted instead to let their gazes follow Itachi as he carried Naruto up to his quarters. Iruka was tempted to make the Uke Squad follow him, yet seeing how they were basking in the praise Lee and Gai were pouring onto them, he chose to do so himself.
"Ah! Gai-sensei! Do you know what this means!" Lee asked in wonderment, tears threatening to spill out.
"Yes dear prodigy! It means that I will not be eliminated!" He cheered as medic-nins carried the unconscious Kabuto away. It was quite obvious he would be hospitalized for the rest of the competition.
Konohamaru, Moegi, and Udon, left through the double doors. The Semes were alone with their thoughts.
Asuma, who hasn't said much, broke the silence. "I wonder what was with the photo."
Suddenly, Konohamaru's head poked back through the doors, "A naked picture of a soaking, wet Naruto. Don't force us to use it on you." He left just as quickly.
The group shuddered at the thought of how much blood the photo would be able to steal, and made sure to never underestimate the Genins again.
"Hehe! Well," Gai yawned, "I shall be retiring to my room. I bid you all farewell," he bowed, "and sweet dreams."
Just as he was about to make his departure to his bedroom, Konohamaru's head poked back out through the heavy doors.
"No, actually," he sighed and showed the final cup to the group of men, including Gai-sensei, who was shocked to see Kabuto's name instead of his. "You're still eliminated. So, you have to go." And with that Konohamaru left for his final departure of the night, abandoning the two Taijutsu masters to their tears.
Later in Bedroom 2:
Three dark-haired men lay flat on their beds, tired, after a rather intense glaring match.
"Itachi is definitely the kitsune's favorite now." Sai mumbled wearily.
"Yeah...do you think this whole thing is just a huge illusion? A twisted genjutsu manifested by his Mangeyko Sharingan?" Neji wondered idly aloud.
Pause.
Baited silence.
"That definitely seems like something Aniki would do, just to feel better about himself." Sasuke sneered.
myinukoi: The vote was so close between Gai and Kabuto (including reviews that were counted before chapter one was resubmitted), I decided to get rid of them both.
Kabuto wasn't technically eliminated, but he would've been anyway once Naruto came to... and Gai was voted off so everyone's happy. I bet you thought I was gonna let him stay for a bit there, didn't you? Naw, I listen to my reviewers.
Please note, I put uke and seme with a capital 'U' and 'S' intentionally because that is how the group of men and Naruto will be identified. They are proper nouns now!