title: The Ukette
author: myinukoi
pairing(s):
Sasuke/Sai/Kakashi/Neji/Lee/Shikamaru/Chouji/Asuma/Shino/Kiba/Gaara/Kankuro/Itachi - Naruto
rating: T (Teen)
warning:BL (boy love), serious oocness, language, somewhat au.
disclaimer: Naruto © Masashi Kishimoto
Bold: Confessional Room
C h a p t e r 3: Happy . Birthday . To . You .
Naruto sat up and stretched. He yawned and glanced at the digital clock at the side of his bed.
9:34 AM? Naw...I think I'll go back to sleep.
As he was ready to cuddle back into the thick plush blankets, a strong arm grabbed him by the waist and pulled him right back down to the bed and against a lean, hard body.
Naruto, who was scared shitless and more than ready to scream his lungs out, instead opted to use his common sense for once and he quietly turned around to look at his bed mate.
To say he was surprised is a major understatement, because snoozing in his bed like there was no tomorrow, was Uchiha Itachi.
Naruto gazed at the sleeping Uchiha... Aww... he looks kind of cute right now. Y'know...not like a crazy-kin-murdering psycho. How adorable!
Just as the blond was prepared to go into a kawaii-rant...a horrible thought struck him.
Oh. My. God. We didn't...y'know...do it, did we? Fuck, I was saving that for the winner of this competition! Wait...He took me when I was intoxicated! Who cares how hot he is? I have the right mind to wake everyone in the house, start an Elimination Ceremony, and get his ass out right now!
Naruto, in a sudden stroke of brilliance, decided to actually confirm his thoughts before rousing the entire house and proclaiming false rumors... about himself, no less.
He slowly lifted up the sheets of the blanket and gazed down at two... fully-clothed bodies.
He sighed.
Naruto's Confessional: To tell you the truth, sometimes I'm even shocked by my own stupidity.
He slid out of bed gingerly, all the while ignoring the unconscious arm that was blindly trying to grab onto him, or anything warm. He went to the bathroom, did his daily grooming, quickly changed out of his pajamas, and went downstairs to the mansion's Dining Hall.
He was greeted by thirteen feasting men. He smiled.
Naruto's Confessional: It's like one big giant sleep over! Except everyone here wants to get in my pants...
Naruto sat at the head of the large table again, and smiled warmly at all the 'Ohayo!'s and 'Good Morning!'s that greeted him.
He quickly began to chow down on his daily breakfast of ramen and milk before being interrupted by Kiba.
"Dude. That's so not healthy..." The inu pointed out observantly.
"Well, I'm not fat so it's healthy enough." Naruto replied offhandedly.
"But it's not a breakfast." Kiba countered back.
Udon listened to the conversation intently. It's good to know someone is looking out for Naruto's health. The blond'll need someone to take care of him and make sure he stays healthy. Kiba seems firm enough to do just that. He makes a mental note to bring this rewarding characteristic up when discussing Eliminations tonight.
"Of course it's breakfast! Are you blind?" At Kiba's blank look, the blond continued. "Look!" He said, chopsticks dipping into the broth. "Here's some eggs. The same thing that's on your plate, ne?"
Kiba blinked.
"And here's some pork!" Naruto showed the boy the meat. "Just like the bacon on your plate, too!"
Kiba blinked again.
"What about my toast?" Kiba questioned.
Naruto blinked.
"What kind of square eats toast?" Naruto laughed.
The men, at hearing this comment, quickly hid their half-eaten bread from the blond's view.
"Uh huh." Kiba nodded and continued with his meal.
The rest of breakfast went on uneventfully, save for the few arguments of 'Who deserves Naruto', and 'Which is better: Orange or apple juice?'.
Chouji, who was unusually silent, decided to speak up a bit.
"Hey Naruto? Where's Itachi?"
At the question, the entire room focused their attention towards the blond.
Chouji's Confessional: (scowl) Itachi went to take the blond to his room after he passed out last night, but I don't recall him returning...
Naruto, known to never think before speaking, was ready to truthfully reply, "In my bedroom, of course."
But, he quickly steadied himself before he could sprout out the entire sentence, and instead opted for stuttering.
The men gave each other weary glances.
"Itachi?" Kakashi mused. "Well isn't he your roommate? How are you not to know where he is?"
"Simple, Kakashi-san." Chouji replied, once again, eloquently. "After he took Naruto to his room, he didn't return to our quarters. Is it wrong of me to be suspicious?"
The Semes attention returned to the blond.
"Itachi? Um..er..why would you...er...need to know..where...he is?"
"Naruto..." Sai began, "What are you-"
But he never got to finish his sentence as Iruka quickly ran into the room breathless, calendar in hand.
"Iruka-sensei!" Naruto beamed. "Ohayo!" he greeted, unaware of the panic on his ex-sensei's face.
"Naruto. Uke Squad. We need to talk right now!" Iruka panted.
Looking slightly worried, the four nin's left the room and bowed in apology to the dining men.
"What is it, Iruka-sensei?" Naruto asked hurriedly, as soon as they stepped into the private meeting room of the Uke, Advisor, and Squad.
"Look." He pointed to the calendar on the days date: September 19.
"So what?" Udon asked.
"Now look at these two dates!" Iruka pointed to the two dates and Naruto gasped. September 15 and September 22. Oh fuck! How could he forget?
"What is it Uke, sir?" Konohamaru asked, intrigued.
"Dammit Konohamaru! Seme! Seme! Not Uke! If you're gonna learn naughty words, get 'em right, you little twirp!" Naruto huffed and smacked the eleven year old on the head, momentarily forgetting his previous panic.
"Ay, ay...but the dates...?" he questioned again.
Naruto's face fell.
"What kind of friend am I? How could I forget Kakashi-sensei's and Shikamaru's birthday?"
Naruto re-entered the dining hall with a huge grin on his face. Itachi, who decided to wake up a few minutes ago, smirked at the sight.
Itachi's Confessional: I doubt Naruto told anything to the other men of my...sleeping arrangements last night. But, I have a feeling they already know...
The eldest Uchiha ignored the death glares and whispered threats being thrown at him.
"Naruto!" Sai beamed, "You're back."
Naruto nodded.
"Did you decide what we're going to do today?" Sasuke questioned.
"Well...kinda!" Naruto grinned again.
"Well?" Rock Lee asked. "What task shall we need to complete to prove our undying loyalty to you?" The Taijutsu master asked ever-so-youthfully.
Naruto winced. "Actually, I wanted to celebrate something..."
"What?" Garra asked, a formidable feeling in his gut let him know that this won't be exactly good news.
Naruto brightened up again."Kaka's and Shika's birthday of course."
Silence.
"You wanna celebrate our birthdays?" Shikamaru questioned.
Naruto nodded perkily.
"So...how are we gonna celebrate it, Na-ru-chan?" Kakashi smirked evilly under his mask, all the while leering at the blond.
Naruto, squirming a bit under his old sensei's gaze, yet nonetheless replied, "I'mma take you both out on a date. We''ll be spending the entire day together."
Kakashi and Shikamaru smirked.
"What about us? What are we going to do while you're on you little dates?" Neji asked, not bothering to hide his jealousy.
At this Iruka spoke up."You're going to continue on as you usually do. But be on your best behavior, because we," He addressed himself and the Uke Squad, "shall be watching."
At this the men looked queasy. After last night, they didn't feel entirely comfortable in the Genin's presence.
Naruto, ignoring the Semes discomfort, continued on, "Well, you seem to be done eating, and I'm bored, so let's start a date now!"
"No problem!" Kakashi stood up from his meal, "I'll go first."
"No you won't, old man!" Shikamaru countered, pulling on the Jounin's arm and forcing him back into the seat. "I'm going first."
As the two nin's bickered, Naruto came to a solution. "Tic-Tac-Toe?"
"..The fuck? Tic-Tac-Toe?" The two asked in unison.
The blond pouted a pout that made all the Seme's in the room want to rape him. "Well, if you don't like my idea..." He sniffled.
But the two men already had a pen and paper out and were beginnning the game.
Konohamaru chuckled. "He's such an Uke..."
Naruto, hearing this, abruptly turned away from the dueling men. "Konohamaru!"
Unsurprisingly, Shikamaru won the challenge...seventeen times in a row.
"So Shika! Where'd ya wanna go?" The blond asked the lazy teen as they stepped out of the mansion and squinted as they met the harsh, golden rays of day.
The said boy shrugged, "Anywhere you wanna go."
Naruto was confused. Iruka said it was polite when going on a date to ask your partner where they wanted to go instead of immediately choosing his favorite place. (Mmmm...Ichiraku...).
Naruto decided to pick some place un-troublesome.
"I heard there's this new restaurant near the Academy. Wanna go?" The blond suggested.
The nin raised an eyebrow at the blond's choice. No Ichiraku...? He pondered before shrugging and branding the thoughts as troublesome. He headed off towards the Academy and the blond followed happily.
"Ouch. Ow. Ouch. Ow." Naruto muttered and rubbed his abused head.
Naruto and Shikamaru were offered the only table available on such a busy day...the worst table in the entire joint.
"Who in their - Itai! - right minds would put a table here, of all places?"
Shikamaru and Naruto's table was located in the corner of the room, smack-dab in the middle of the two doors leading to the bathroom and the kitchen.
Shikamaru sat on the side of the table where the door to the kitchen would continually open, and bang him on the head, as waiters and waitresses exited and entered frequently and hurriedly.
Naruto sat on the side of the table where the customers would continually go to the bathroom and the door would, just as Shikamaru's door did, hit him in the back of the head every time it was opened.
"Gosh," Thump! "When will our food get here?" Naruto asked impatiently.
"Tch...Naruto." Thump! "You're so troublesome." The dark-haired nin muttered, drumming his fingers along the edge of the table.
"Hmph," The blond pouted, "If I am so trouble-" Thump! "-some, you should have just stayed at home and never entered this competition. You know, I was most curious," Thump! "...as to why you were here, anyway." The blond turned his head away from the other boy's lazy, yet observant, gaze.
His feelings were obviously hurt.
Shikamaru sighed, "Naruto...you are troublesome." Thump! "But a good kind of troublesome..."
Naruto raised a golden eyebrow in confusion. "A good kind of troublesome?" He questioned.
By now, the boys were so into their conversation, they ignored the vicious hits to the head given to them by customers and employees alike.
"In case you haven't noticed," The brunet began, "I consider everything troublesome. Even things that aren't remotely troublesome. So, I needed a way to distinguish the good kind of troublesome from the bad kind of troublesome."
Naruto listened on, intrigued.
"Bad kinds of troublesome," The nin continued, "are things that I have to put effort into, even when I get no, or very little reward in return. Like cleaning dishes when my mom could obviously do it..." He trailed off, obviously enraptured in his own thoughts.
"Oh...I get it. So then, good troublesome is..." Naruto waited for the answer.
"Good troublesome, is when I put in effort, but my outcome is equal to or greater than the effort exerted."
"Oh," Naruto brightened up, his hurt immediately washing away, "And I'm the good troublesome!"
The other boy nodded.
Naruto frowned a bit again, "And that means..."
The genius face-faulted.
"It means," Shikamaru began again, "that no matter what effort I into this competition, you will always be worth it." The boy sighed exasperatedly.
Shikamaru's Confessional: Jeez! So troublesome...
Naruto put on a teary pout.
"Really..?" The blond asked.
"Really." The opposite boy confirmed.
Just as Naruto was ready to glomp the lazy nin to the floor, their food came.
"Here you are. I hope you will enjoy...?" A man with a long mustache and a thick accent, placed the food in front of the two boys. The blond then recalled the waiter as being extremely rude to him earlier and was suspicious of his intentions. He glanced at the two doors labeled: 'Bathroom' and 'Kitchen'.
"We could, but that all depends...which door you came out of?" He said, glaring suspiciously at his 'chocolate mousse'.
"That's gonna cause an ant problem..." Udon trailed off as he stared at the large screen picturing Chouji stashing sweets, chips, and other unhealthy varieties of food into his sock drawer.
The four nins resided in a large dark control room, decked out in panels and many complicated buttons. But the biggest object in the room was undoubtedly the large flat-screen that was connected to surveillance cameras littered throughout the mansion.
"This is so boring! I thought spying on these guys was going to be fun!" Konohamaru whined.
The other two children nodded their head in agreement.
"Oh! Stop sulking! It's not that boring! I'm sure we can get some juicy dirt here somewhere..." Iruka trailed off as he flipped through the channels of each room.
Kakashi was getting ready for his date with the blond later on. Rock Lee was practicing taijutsu. Kiba and Akamaru were sneaking into Chouji's room to steal some snacks as the heavy boy slept soundlessly on his bed. Gaara and Shino were bullying Kankuro... And the rest of the men were placing large bets on who would win the glaring contest: Sasuke or Neji, as Sai sat back and drew penises. Hm? All seems as normal and dull as always...
"Wait!" Udon pointed out. "Where's Itachi?"
The others stared at her surprised but Iruka quickly went through the room's cameras and no Itachi was to be found.
"Do you think he could have rigged his camera?" Moegi asked.
"But I thought he didn't know about this room?" Udon sniffed.
"Uurrgh! This is so confusing! Isn't he supposed to be bunking with Chouji?" Konohamaru exclaimed frustrated.
Iruka sighed.
Where is Itachi...?
"Wow, Shikamaru! I had a great time...except for that waiter..." Naruto recalled.
Shikamaru chuckled.
"I had fun too, Naruto."
They both stood outside the mansion's large front doors. Shikamaru bravely leaned down and pressed his lips against Naruto's.
The kiss was short yet sweet. When they broke apart. Naruto giggled, looked down, and blushed.
"Ha-Happy birthday, Sh-Shikamaru!" Naruto stuttered, embarrassed.
Shikamaru's Confessional: Score!
"And it was a very good one, thanks to you Naruto." Shikamaru kissed his cheek, before disappearing into the house.
Naruto who was still basking in the afterglow of his first kiss (during the competition) and waited uncharacteristically patiently for Kakashi to come outside.
Naruto's Confessional: Damn sensei! Always late...
Kakashi took one last look in the mirror, shrugged, and went outside to greet Naruto.
"You're late." Naruto said dully.
"Fashionably late!" The Jounin beamed.
Naruto stared at his sensei.
Looks the same to me... He inwardly shrugged.
"Okay, let's go!" he cheered pumping a fist into the air.
Kakashi chuckled.
"Where'd ya wanna go?" The blond questioned. This time, the blond was secretly hoping the Jounin would say he didn't care, because even though he just had lunch with Shikamaru, he had a serious need for Ichiraku's at that moment.
Yet, luck was not on the kitsune's side as Kakashi grabbed his hand and dragged him across town to the place where he had been dying to go all year...
"Moegi," Konohamaru asked unsurely...do you think you can do this?"
"Who else can?" she asked smirking, holding her equipment in her hand.
She was right. Konohamaru was too hyper, Iruka was too big, and Udon's nose was too noisy.
And only a girl can get this right.
"Okay." Iruka ruffled her hair playfully. "Good luck. And I'll make sure you get some extra-credit points for stealth and bravery...if you succeed that is."
"Of course I'll succeed!" She huffed, offended. "Have a little faith in me, please?" She asked annoyed.
The guys nodded offhandedly and she walked out of the secret control room.
Now, she sighed, to find that Itachi...
"Kakashi," Naruto began, no longer using the 'sensei' suffix, seeing as they were on a date. "I can't believe you brought me here."
"Oh, but Naruto," Kakashi pouted (at least the blond thought he did; the masks covers all...) as he picked his selected item off a shelf. "I've been dying to go here for ages! If you look around, I'm sure you will find something that you like."
Naruto glanced boredly around the massive room with endless hallways and doors. It was like a huge complicated maze that only the most experienced, such as his date, would be able to navigate through easily and comprehensibly.
The Twenty-Second Annual Icha Icha Paradise Comic Convention.
"Ugh...Kakashiiiii!" the blond whined. "This is sooo boring!"
"How is it boring Naruto? There's tons of sections here that you should look around."
"But...!" The blond began.
"Look," the silver-haired man pointed towards a section packed with many teenage boys and rough-looking girls. "There's the Shojo-Ai/Yuri section."
"I don't want to..!"
"And there!" he pointed to another section filled with an endless variety of people. "Is the Heterosexual section. Though I can understand if you don't want to go over there. Het is so boring and overrated in my opinion."
Naruto tried to interrupt again, but his efforts were in vain.
"And oooh! The Threesome/Orgy section. Yummy." Naruto swore he saw the Jounin's eyes glaze over, and is that drool wetting his mask?
"And I may never understand why you wouldn't like the Shounen-Ai/Yaoi Section..." The man muttered as the most popular section was surrounded by girls, of all ages, with massive nosebleeds and high-pitched squeals.
Naruto sighed.
"This is the only place where I truly feel at home." Kakashi smiled.
"Oi! Kaka-sensei!" Naruto suddenly exclaimed, and pointed to a mob of people hounding an old white-haired man.
"It's the Man of the Hour! Jiraiya!" A deep voice boomed over the intercom.
"Come on!" Naruto grabbed his sensei's hand. "Let's go greet Jiraiya-sensei!"
Kakashi couldn't help but smile at the blond's cheerfulness.
'I knew he'd get into it sooner or later...'
Moegi carefully tip-toed to the only room she didn't check. Unsurprisingly, the door was slightly ajar and light was slipping from the room into the dark hallway. This was just like those scenes in those horror movies she watched, where the stupid girl enters the room where certain death awaits.
And yet, driven by pure curiosity, she continued to trek further towards the mysterious room anyway.
She had to hold in a startled gasps as she saw Itachi, shirtless and staring at himself in a ridiculously large mirror while posing and making unbelievably self-centered comments.
"Oooh! So sexy!"
"Pout, Itachi! Pout!"
"Much finer than Sasuke! So much finer!"
She would have had a nosebleed, but such narcissist comments were a turn off.
Yet, she then got an idea. Quietly slipping into the room, she was glad that the Uchiha didn't notice. And she doubted that he would, seeing as he was so enraptured with himself.
She planted cameras in two corners of the room, installed necessary equipment, and quietly slipped back out.
She smirked to herself as she opened the steel door to the control room to where the three guys were waiting anxiously.
Iruka immediately turned to greet her. "Did you find him? Were you able to hook up the cameras? I still don't see him here. Did you get caught? Did he hurt you? Threaten you?" Iruka rambled on. He was always so over-protective when it came to one of his students. He treated them all like his children.
"Um...I think it's no problem. You missed it, but Itachi put a note on the desk in his room with Chouji saying that he was going for a walk. He'll be back in his room by tonight. I already threw the note away so you don't have to bother looking for it."
"Oh." The boys said in unison, feeling stupid about not thinking about it before.
"Well," Moegi sighed dramatically and feigned weariness, "I'm sooo tired. I'll just retire to my room, okay?"
The men nodded and Moegi took her leave.
As she closed the hidden metal door again and walked back to her room, she couldn't help but smirk at her self-proclaimed genius.
When she was hooking up the cameras, she made sure that they were not visible to the group in the control room, but she could view them personally when she'll come to collect the tapes every week. Those tapes could be used as blackmail, if he ever hurts Naruto.
Moegi's Confessional: "It's always smart to have a trump card,'' Iruka would tell me. I'm just following his advice...
She'll see what she can do with those tapes once the competition is over...
"Wow Kakashi! I had a great time! And I'm full! Thank you for treating me to Ichiraku's! You even paid!" the blond beamed.
Kakashi decided to take the blond out to his favorite restaurant after his stomach began to growl pretty loudly.
"No problem." The man smiled, hoisting up the five bags of Icha Icha comics Naruto got him for his birthday. Actually, Naruto didn't even have to pay for them. After many well-placed pouts, he was able to get Jiraiya to throw them in for free.
Naruto stood up on his toes and leaned forward to give his ex-sensei a peck on the cheek, seeing as his lips were covered up by his mask.
Naruto giggled when he saw the blush spreading up and past the Jounin's mask.
"Let's go back inside and let everyone know we've returned. Not to mention there's still the Elimination Ceremony." The Kyuubi-vessel frowned at the thought he would have to kick out another one of his friends.
Dinner was quick, seeing as the men were eager to see who would be eliminated. After a speedy meeting between the Uke, Advisor and Uke Squad, the Semes were in the familiar room with, this time, twelve ramen cups laid out upon the customary red clothed table.
Naruto, tired and wanting to go to bed, wasted no time. He lifted up the first ramen cup of the night randomly and called out, "Sasuke Uchiha."
Sasuke's Confessional: Hell Yes! Called first! Take that, Aniki!
Sasuke smirked smugly at his nonchalant looking brother, accepted his ramen cup and pecked Naruto on the cheek; clearly remembering to do no more thanks to last night's occurrence.
The blond blushed and rubbed his cheek. 'That felt nice,'he thought, but quickly returned to the subject at hand.
The next to be selected was "Shikamaru Nara." The genius, "troublesome"-ed, and everyone rolled their eyes at his common behavior. But when he accepted the cup he whispered into the blond's ear, "The very good kind of troublesome."
Naruto giggled and swatted him away playfully.
The nine other men came up to receive their cups as well, including: Kakashi, Kiba, Rock Lee, Gaara, Itachi, Shino, Chouji, Neji, and Sai.
Only Kankuro and Asuma remained.
The blond sighed.
"Kankuro," Naruto began. "You're a great guy, but I'm not entirely sure that we know each other enough from past experiences to actually form a relationship."
Kankuro nodded.
Kankuro's Confessional: I know I don't know him that well. But I've had the hots for him ever since the Chuunin Exams. I even told him I liked him, but I don't think he understood my implications with that. So yeah, I don't know him that well, but I don't really care. I really, really want that blond.
"Asuma," the blond turned to the burly man, feeling unbelievably tiny compared to his massive size. "Out of all the people here," he gestured towards the Semes, "You're the oldest. And I have no problem with age gaps, but ours is really big. And I know you even less than I know Kankuro, but you're still a good guy, so I'll admire you for that."
Asuma's Confessional: (shrug) Nothing I can do now. I'll just wait for his decision.
"So," Naruto sighed, "I choose..."
He lifted up the cup to reveal...
(Suspense!)
Kankuro's name.
The crowd gasped and the puppet-master pumped his fist into the air.
"Yatta! See ya later, old man!" He stuck his tongue out at Asuma, grabbed his cup after hugging the blond breathless, and returned to his post next to Gaara. The quivering brunet next to him, made Gaara want to kill his brother all the more.
Asuma hugged the blond and whispered "No hard feelings, eh?". He waved goodbye to his friends, and took his leave - the servants already packed his bags, so his luggage was waiting for him beside the door.
Bye Asuma...
In Bedroom Three:
"Hmph...puppet-turd. You're so lucky." Gaara muttered.
"Hn." Kankuro ignored his younger brother's cruel words and continued to ponder.
He shrugged off Gaara's death glare.
And Shino's rough shove to the bed he was lying on.
He lied flat down on his back with his hands behind his head as support. As the lights in the bedroom were turned off, Kankuro turned his head to look out the window and gaze at the stars.
Kankuro's Confessional: I don't want to be in the bottom two anymore. If I want to win this competition against all these pretty boys, I need get my act together...
He trailed off as sleep claimed him for the night.
myinukoi:
Challenge: If anyone knows where I got the idea for ShikaNaru's date, you get dedication in the next chapter!