Title: The Ukette
Author: myinukoi
Pairing: SasuNaru, NejiNaru, GaaNaru, ShikaNaru, ChouNaru, KakaNaru, ShinoNaru, KibaNaru, NejiNaru, LeeNaru, KankNaru, ItaNaru, SaiNaru.
Warning: Yaoi/Shounen-ai, second attempt at humor, serious OOCness, unbeta-ed, language (swearing), kinda AU (but they are still ninjas...just in a different environment), etc, etc...
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto
Seeing as there was an unbelievable amount of people who guessed the challenge for the last chapter, I will only dedicate it to the five who identified it first.
Two other dedications will go to birthday people.
Dedication to: (Challenge winners) The LB, pansypantelones411, CherryShadowz, Xiana Asuka, Tesina Gela Gardner
(Birthday people) Kativa-chan (September 16), and dogangeslrule (September 22). Happy Birthday!
(A/N: Don't feel hesitant to tell me your birthday in a review! I'll give you a dedication!)
Bold: Confessional Room
C h a p t e r 4: Fangirls, Forests, and Love Notes! Oh No!
Naruto was scarfing down his breakfast at an inhuman rate, causing the rest of the occupants in the dining room to stare.
"God..." Sai muttered. "Is he even chewing?"
Kakashi made sure to sit close to the blond in case he needed CPR.
Kakashi's Confessional: Wait...? Isn't CPR for drowning people? Then what's for choking people? Oh yeah...! Heimlich Maneuver! But that means no lip-on-lip contact! (whine/pout); (ponder); (shrug) Never mind. It's kinky all the same.
As the men finished their breakfast, they looked towards Naruto expectantly.
The blond beamed at the blushing men.
"I guess you should all go to your rooms. I'll meet you all later okay?"
The Semes looked disappointed. They weren't looking forward to returning to their assigned rooms to spend God knows how long with their distasteful roommates. (Except Kakashi, of course...)
Naruto, sensing their sadness, quickly added, "Gosh, I was just joking! You thought our asses were really gonna spend the rest of the competition in this old mansion!"
The men immediately brightened up.
"Just go upstairs for now okay?" the blond sighed.
The men obediently retired to their rooms...
...And so early in the morning!
As the Semes reached the loft to where their rooms all meet up, and they were forced to go their separate ways - yet something caught Sasuke's eye on the stand.
An envelope?
The young Uchiha looked at the envelope.
The fuck...?
Ultimate Ukette Mail?
Well, at least it said Ultimate Ukette Mail, that is before someone suspiciously and hastily crossed out the label and wrote in sloppy, rushed handwriting: Supreme Seme Mail.
Tch...stupid dobe.
Sasuke, being a fan of many reality TV bachelor/bachelorette shows, knew to call out:
"Ultimate Ukette Mail!"
The men turned their heads towards the hollering Uchiha.
Eh? was the thought that crossed all their minds.
Sasuke raised the envelope, and they all understood.
They crowded around him as he opened the envelope and gazed at the letter. He began to read aloud:
"Dear Semes," (He ignored the 'Ukes' that was scrawled in by a disgrunteled blond.)
"I hope you really weren't thinking that I was going to keep you locked up in there for the rest of the day? I'm too energetic to stay cooped up for long! Anyways, guess what? Your first competion will be held today. I need to make sure I have a cunning and athletic man by my side! So, get ready and meet me at Ridgeway Park at noon, okay? See ya then!
-Naru-chan.
PS- Don't forget your running shoes and water bottle!"
Sasuke, along with the other Semes, stared at the note in confusion. Running shoes and water bottle? What does he mean by that?
Kankuro and Chouji glanced nervously at each other. They were the two most out of shape amongst the men. Were they up to this?
They retired to their rooms to think of a plan.
Gaara scoffed. Their was nothing in this competition that his sand couldn't handle.
He took his leave as well.
Shikamaru gazed wearily at the note. Tch...this will certainly be troublesome.
He left to his room to watch the clouds from his window. They always helped him clear his mind. Surely his genius would find a way to get out of this troblesome assignment.
The rest of the men left as well, oddly silent, as they pondered what the blond could possibly mean by his message. Whatever it was, it couldn't be that bad. Naruto was the kindest person to have ever touched their lives. There wasn't a mean streak in his body. Sure, he can throw in a prank every now and then, but they were sure he wouldn't put them in danger for the sole sake to prove their love and devotion to him. Right..?
Oh how wrong they were...
In Bedroom 1:
"What're you gonna wear, Lee?" Kiba asked the overzealous nin, while pointedly ignoring Shikamaru.
"My usual outfit of course! The tightness of the spandex makes it easy for me to move and will show off my bulging muscles. Ga-Ga-Gai..sensei w-would...be so..."-sob-"p-proooooud!" At the though of his sensei's unfair ellimination, the taijutsu master began to bawl unceremoniously.
Shikamaru turned away from his cloud-watching to look at the Taijutsu specialist blankly. He then scoffed in something akin to pity and disgust as he returned to his previous task of think up a plan to remove himself from the day's competition without disqualifying himself from this overall tournament.
He sighed.
In Bedroom 2:
"Hm...? Which one d'ya think the blond'll like?" Sai muttered to himself holding up two identical belly shirts to the mirror.
Neji and Sasuke stared at him inquisitively.
Talking? To himself?
Sai's Confessional: Having no one to converse with in that lonely room can really do things to a man... (shudder)
In Bedroom 3:
Okay Kankuro! Pull yourself together! They're only glaring at you because they know you're the only one that stands a chance in this competition. Hehe...they're sooo jealous!
The puppeteer continued to think reassuring thoughts to himself, but Gaara and Shino's dirty looks never wavered.
In Bedroom 4:
"What are you doing?" Chouji asked his roommate.
Dear God! How strange can a person get..!
Itachi looked up from his task and curtly replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "Getting ready of course."
"Aren't you supposed to be y'know...packing water, finding clothes, etcetera, etcetera...Instead of...-"
Itachi rolled his eyes as he applied a new coat of paint to his dark fingernails.
"-Doing your nails...?" Chouji finished his sentence.
Itachi scoffed, "That's what everybody else is doing! I want to be unique!" he chirped.
Chouji's Confessional: ...the fuck...-?
"You're more than unique enough already Uchiha Itachi."
Chouji watched as Itachi beamed at the 'compliment' and began his third coat.
"More than enough..."
In Bedroom 5:
Kakashi sighed as he plopped himself down ungracefully on his overly large bed. It seems that he had pushed the two beds of his former roomates -Asuma and Gai- together with his own to form an unreasonably huge mattress.
Seeing as it was now his room, after Asuma's elimination and his brief mini-celebration, he used a rusty kunai to scratch out the description of 'Bedroom 3' carved in the wood outside his door and instead wrote 'Kaka's Pad!'
He had so many Icha Icha pictures and posters around his room, they might as well be considered wallpaper.
He tossed his clothes and other personal belongings around the confinement.
He bombarded the private Bedroom 5 bathroom with countless hair products.
He had a drawer more than prepared to burst open with fan-mail.
And his 'pad' was littered with thirty-two naughty magazines, twelve familiar orange books, nine broken alarm clocks, and one out of date dirty calendar.
He smiled as he took sight of his room.
It was just like home.
12 o'clock noon
Eleven men waited patiently at Ridgeway Park for any source of direction or instruction to arrive.
Iruka appeared in front of the men with a resinating 'pop!'. He had his familiar clipboard in hand.
"Hey guys! Welcome to your first challenge! We can't immediately give away our pleasant surprise-" He chuckled. "-because that would be no fun now would it?" The men nodded. "Well, come on. Naruto was never known for his patience."
The men walked for about half a mile before stopping at an extremely familiar setting.
Oh hell no!
Why the hell would Naruto bring us here for our first challenge?
The Semes gazed up at the dark, formidable woodland. Shivers ran down their spine as they observed the jutting roots and hell-bent branches of the moss-covered trees whose trunks seemed to sneer cruelly down upon them. The thick swaying branches of the untamed thickets blocked out the sunlight to cast a large intimidating shadow over the area, making the atmosphere appear all the more...gruesome.
It definitely looks ten times more perilous since the Chuunin Exams.
They certainly didn't guess Naruto would bring them back to someplace like The Forest of Death.
"W-What the fuck are we doing here?" Kiba called out.
"You're here for your challenge, silly!" Iruka ruffled his hair playfully as he used to do in the old Academy days, seemingly unaware of the frightening background.
"Challenge...right..." Kiba muttered, jerking away from the kind gesture that made him feel admittedly young.
Iruka only smiled. "If you'll once again follow me..." he headed off towards a large wooden entranceway that lead into the forest.
Once the men were all inside the woods, Iruka effortlessly closed the heavy doors with a bam! and chuckled evilly at the group.
The men were all heavily unnerved, because needless to say, an evilly cackling Iruka is never a good thing...
Suddenly, Naruto appeared, his infamous fox-like grin plastered on his face.
Aww...how cute! the men inwardly cooed, taking no notice to the mischievous glint in the boy's eye.
"Now," he curtly began, "I hope you all used your time wisely and-" -at this time, unsurprisingly, the Uke's former sensei came bustling through the gates, sweaty and panting...Naruto sighed.
Naruto's Confessional: Some things just never change...
"You're late!" Naruto grinned at the old familiar saying.
"G-Gomen." he panted. "There was this old lady..."
Naruto raised his hand, cutting off the Jounin. "I don't want to here it! Just get your tardy ass in line..."
Kakashi pouted under his mask. No one ever believes him!
Kakashi's Confessional: My alarm clock broke...mysteriously.
"Okay," Naruto continued to where he left off before he was interrupted. "I hope you all used your time wisely and got ready for this challenge." Chouji glanced at Itachi. "Even though it is the first, I assure you, this will be the most difficult task I might ask of you during this competition."
The men looked queasy.
"Now," he began to talk louder, seeing as their was a lot of noise coming from the other side of the gate from which they had just passed. "Before we start, I must -legally- inform you of the dire consequences of accepting this challenge." Naruto's voice grew even louder as the high-pitched noise emitted from the other side of the large wooden door. No doubt this had something to do with the challenge.
"This seems to be the only legitimate place we can hold such a challenge seeing as the needs" -he gestured towards the other side of the gate and spoke even louder since the noise was increasing exponentially in volume- "for this challenge, cannot be allowed anywhere else, under grievous fear that our needs will cause serious damage and mental trauma."
The Semes shuddered.
Naruto's voice was yelling now and the men could bearly hear him, seeing as the noise and rukus from the other side was now near-deafening.
"I almost wasn't allowed to give you all this challenge by the Elders of Konoha." Naruto screamed to the group. "They were worried about your welfare, but I told them you were strong! You were ninjas! You could take anything!"
The men looked doubtful as the ungodly noise refused to cease.
"But under law..." the blond scoffed and rolled his eyes. "I need to warn you about the possible aftermath for many of you."
Cerulean eyes scanned a previously pulled out text and the blond coughed into his fist before reading in his authoritative voice, "Possible perilous outcomes from The Ukette -Grrr! I told them I'm not a fucking uke!" he breathed in an out to calm himself down and continued, "Challenge number one includes, but is not limited to the following..."
The men listened on.
"Broken bones, internal bleeding, damaged senses..."
The men gulped.
"...first, second, and third degree burns, frostbite, one hundred and ninety three possible bone fractures and sprains..."
Ouch! What could cause burns and frostbites! It's only September...not that cold.
"...large, possibly lethal gashes, cuts and wounds that could cause hearty scarring..."
Scars? Itachi winced. Ew!
"...hemorrhages, heavy bruising, acute or chronic amnesia, and as a self-defense mechanism of the body -Congenital Insensitivity to Pain..."
Oh God...
"...likely kidnaping, AIDS, HIV and other STDS as possible outcomes of rape,"
...the fuck? Oh Holy...
"..and in an unfortunate case, death."
Naruto sighed as he finished off the list. His cobalt blue eyes locked onto the fearful ones of the Semes.
"So...ya ready?" he asked perkily, the ominous shadow over the men doing nothing to diminish his glowing brightness.
The men, forgetting their fear, gazed at the cute blond.
Awww!
Yet, the more logical at this moment, like Kankuro, simply turned away from the pretty face and asked, "Sooo...just playing with the thought here..." He coughed numerously. "What if we quit?"
Naruto's brightness came to a halt.
"Well," he thought idly, "there is an extremely high chance that you'll be eliminated if you don't even attempt the challenge and I'll probably think a lot lower of you and never, ever see myself as being in any remotely romantic relationship with you and will most likely look down upon you as a ninja and an overall individual for the rest of your miserable life." the blond finished.
Kankuro blinked and shuddered. As well as the other men.
"Oh...Okay! Just asking. Of course I'm gonna do it!" Kankuro gave a forced smile.
"Great!" Naruto was beaming once again, and causing all hearts in the area to melt. "So, anyone else wanna back out?" he questioned, glaring at anyone who showed even the slightest sign of cowardice.
Needless to say, he was glowering a lot.
When no men showed any vocal signs of protesting, the blond smiled warmly. "Okay, good. Now...let's get this show on the road!"
"Now," the blond began, "what you're basically having here is a race. Whoever makes it to the other side of the Forest of Death by sunset first, wins..." he thought for a moment.
Naruto's Confessional: What do they win? Hmmm... A date? No. Not yet. Ummm...
"..you win," he pondered, "my favortism!"
The Semes cheered.
"And if you come in last, you'll more than likely get eliminated..."
The men's faces became solemn.
"What's the trick?" the Byakugan-user asked. This seems too simple...there has to be something else to it.
"Well," Naruto grinned evilly at the white-eyed boy's remark. "That's where all that 'noise'," he gestured towards the gates that were now rattling with the force of whatever was on the other side, "comes in..."
A tremor washed over the crowd of Semes.
"Well, let's start this now. I'm bored. Me and Iruka are gonna be taking the short route so we'll meet the winner soon, yeah?"
The men nodded.
Iruka and Naruto left with a 'pop'!
Strong, muscled, heavy men appeared behind the Semes. The five of them, set their large calloused hands over the gate that divided the male contestants from whatever was on the other side of their only separation. As the heavy gates began to slowly open with a continuous itchy creeeeak, the men's curiosity grew and even when the race began, they stayed glued to the spot by a young ninja's blatant inquisitive nature.
An unhealthy habit that will surely be the death of them all.
Itachi's Confessional: Something in me... doesn't feel right. My instincts are trying to get me to leave while I still can... but this morbid curiosity has me stuck to the spot. Never have I felt such overwhelming feelings... (except when staring in the mirror).This doesn't seem good...
The doors were now wide open. The Semes met their obstacle.
Their fear.
Itachi's Confessional: Doesn't seem good at all...
The men gasped in fright, using every ounce of strength their shinobi-amplified bodies possessed just to keep from wetting themselves in sheer horror as the seriousness of the situation hit them full on as they stared at the greedy eyes beyond the gate. (A/N: That last part sounded like a like from Fullmetal Alchemist, huh? 0.o Hehe...I couldn't help it. xD)
Fa-Fa-Fangirls!
"Oh." Sasuke.
"My." Neji.
"GAWD!" Itachi.
Fangirls scattered the other end of the gate and when their eyes met the men's, the seemingly-unyeilding noise came to a sudden halt and the entire forest was cast over by a deafening silence. Not even the little blue birdies in the horribly defaced trees made a peep.
"Wahhn!OMGee!#$?&! Itachi! Sasuke! UCHIHAAAA!"
"Neji! Baby! Let me open up your cage! Let me free your little birdy!"
"Chouji-sama! My ravenous Man Meat! I'm HUNGRY!"
"Rawr!"
The men bolted into the forest with such speed, the deranged girls were left choking in their dust -yet most of them seemed over-joyed at the mere thought of being smothered to death by the dirt that their future-husbands touched.
Needless to say, the determined more obsessed fangirls, easily avoided the soil and choking competition, and went straight after the bunch of fleeing, terrified, gay men.
With Chouji:
Oh...Oh God! How long have I been running now? Two...Three days? (-Cough; cough:- 7 minutes).
The sun is boiling my blood and scorching my skin. (-Sneeze; sneeze:- Only September. About 70 degrees F) Countless droplets of perspiration roll down my back, and my inners are on fire.
"Man Meat! Don't leave! Why are you running?" The leader of the group screams and she has agreement with the twenty other girls that are following her.
Chouji's eyebrows scrunched together in bafflement.
Man Meat?
"Let us play with your large sausage!"
Chouji, with renewed vigor and an never-before-seen burst of speed, continued the race, in hopes of meeting the blond on the other side of the forest relatively unharmed.
Ha! Fat chance! (Pun intended.)
With Itachi:
Fangirls?
He rocked himself back and forth and recalled the first day he ever met the world's certified most loathsome creatures.
Itachi's Flashback:
Five year old Itachi was playing with his paper shurikens in the Uchiha Manor's garden. After his pregnant (with Sasuke) mother brought him a quick snack, he asked her why he couldn't have real shurikens, like the older boys.
She patted him on the head, "Big boy shurikens are very dangerous, and if you make a mistake, you might scar up that pretty face of yours." she cooed to him gently, unaware that it was these kinds of remarks that would send the boy spiraling into an endless pit of constant self-divinity and utter pride years later.
He blushed and smirked at the compliment. She was so smart when it came to these things...
"Have fun with your origami shurikens ne, Itachi-chan?"
"Aa." he nodded as he continued to play long after she left. He pitied the fool who would come upon him with an evil chakra or wicked intent.
Shoot, his self-made shurikens could cause some serious paper cuts, dammit!
Yet when this pre-mentioned evil chakra/wicked intent came in the form of a cute four year old girl, the boy mearly ignored her as the young, yet not-so innocent, leered at him openly.
He gave her one of his fiercest glares, but she seemed unfazed.
When the number of girls continued to grow, the leering and hungry looks spanned exponentially, and the subtle touches became more obvious and suggestive...
Itachi had learned that day, only after spending thirty minutes with those fangirls whose pervetedness reached an all-time high, causing them to ruthlessly attack him, (only being saved when his mother heard his screams and shooed the vicious females away with a broom)...
...paper shurikens don't come in handy when your dealing with (shudder) fangirls...
End Itachi's Flashback
A quiet sob wracked his body as the memories of their vicious groping and lipstick smeared kisses evaded his mind once again.
He heard the loud stomping of the stampede getting closer and he felt close to crying...
Yet as he looked down into a mossy puddle and saw his distorted yet ethereally beautiful reflection mirroring in the tiny pool, his gallancy replenished and his heart of spirit was renewed!
Those girls...those fucking fangirls!
He would not let their filthy, undeserving hands touch his angel-envied face!
No...
No.
No!
He began running as far as his legs would take him, because to him at that moment -he was not competing with the other Semes for the vivacious blond, but rather with vicious females for his perfectly beautiful self.
In the end of this, he might die - but dammit!
He would die a pretty man!
With Shikamaru:
The lazy-nin panted as he ran and ran and ran.
This was taking forever.
And the lewd comments and rivaling arguments coming from behind weren't really much help...
"Shika! That's it baby! Shake for me!"
"You idiot! He's not shaking he's running...from your ugly face! Haha!"
"That was such a stupid joke, Yuki!"
"Was not!"
"Hmph...! I bet it was because he met you he's running around thinking he's gay. Gosh, you get on my fucking nerves."
"Whatever. (AN: Great comeback...) Shika wait up! I have this new un-troublesome dance I made that we could try out, maybe? I call it, The Shika Shake!"
"The Shika Shake? ...The fuck?"
"When in a uncomfortable or troublesome situation, begin to bargain." Shikamaru muttered under his breath to himself, remembering that he kept that piece of information, along with much else, stocked inside his enormous brain.
"Hn... bargaining it is." he shrugged and hopped into a tree to back trace his steps and find the fangirls.
Yes, you heard right. Find them.
Once he reached the bickering women, they immediately stopped quarreling to gaze in awe and whimper, 'Shikamaru...'
Said nin, realizing their state of silence would only be temporary and the vicious glomping would come soon after, immediately put his plan into action...
Meanwhile...with Naruto:
"Dammit Konohamaru, Moegi, Undon!" the blond fumed, his face was lobster red in anger, and an undeniable wrathful chakra emitted from every pore of his being.
Yet this all went unnoticed to the three laughing-their-ass-off Genins.
"I. Am. Not. A. Fucking. Uke!"
He kicked Konohamaru in the head.
"Owww!" Konohamaru whined, wrapping his hands protectively around his abused head.
"Serves you right, eh Iruka-sensei? Tell Konohamaru-chan that this whole fucking thing is not called The Ukette!"
"Naruto," Iruka sighed, "watch your language."
"I think it should be called Supreme Seme," Naruto suggested, ignoring his sensei's request to quit with the cursing, "or maybe...no definitely... Sexy Seme! Ohh yes!"
"Naruto, there is nooo way you'll ever be Seme in any relationship." Iruka pointed out offhandedly.
The blond spluttered. What!
"Iru-Iruka-sensei?" Naruto was very hurt.
"I'm sorry Naruto but have you looked in the mirror lately? Your lean and skinny, you've got too many feminine features, and when watching any two men kissing, you always scream, 'Oh My Gee! So cute!'. You're an uke if I've ever seen one..."
Naruto flamed up in anger. "No, you're an uke Iruka-sensei! You have all the qualities! You're not tough! Too nice! Always-" Before he could continue Iruka cut him off.
"I know I am. Unlike some people, I do not live my life in denial. I accept what I am and make the best of it."
The blue-eyed boy knew a losing battle when he saw one...
...but that never stopped him before!
"Yeah," Konohamaru agreed, "you couldn't even be on top with a girl!"
Naruto's Confessional: One; I would never be with a girl and Two; If I was, how could I not be on top?
Iruka laughed. "Naruto," he mocked the voice of a teenage girl, "I think we're ready." Then he mocked Naruto, "I'm sorry but I don't work well with strap-ons."
The blond blushed and the rest of the group laughed as they waited for the challenge to be complete.
"So," Yuki's eyes beamed with hope, "if we let you go, you're saying that you will give us a lock of Itachi-sama's hair, two of Neji-sama's meditation candles, one of your earrings, a chip of Kiba's fang, half of Rock Lee's left eyebrow, three Icha Icha's that were touched by the hands of Kakashi, one of Sasuke-sama's kunais, four hundred grams of Kankuro's face paint, three hundred and forty two grains of Gaara's sand, four sixty percent-eaten potato chips from Chouji, eighteen pieces of thread from Sai's favorite belly shirt and a right wing from one of Shino's chakra-sucking insects, am I correct?" she sighed in happiness.
Shikamaru rolled his eyes. Thirty minutes and this is his bargain. How troublesome...
"Yeah."
"And when will you be delivering this to us?" asked Starr, a girl with unnatural purple eyes in the back.
"Tomorrow."
The girls grouped together and pondered for a good ten minutes. Deciding that they could trust their idol, agreed with his terms.
"Okay," he began directing as soon as the agreement was official. "I want you to all divide into groups of two. When you are, take this map-" he handed it to Starr."-and find the rest of the men. If my calculations are correct, the key at the bottom shows approximately where each men is, how fast they're traveling, what road they're planning on taking, and where their fangirls are located."
They females nodded.
"Good luck!"
And with that, Shikamaru took off to complete his challenge with ease, no longer having to worry about any rabid fangirls trailing after him.
Naruto clapped his hands in glee as a frightened, yet determined Itachi came in first place. Yet the Uchiha could've sworn his number of fangirls increased during the race.
After him was Shikamaru, then Kakashi, Sasuke, Neji and Rock Lee.
After them in fifth place came Gaara and Kiba who was closely followed by seventh place Shino.
Sai and Kankuro were panting heavily yet made it to the end as well.
Their rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth fangirls were detained and some of the more determined ones had to be put out with anesthetic and needles.
And while all the men conversated on how the made their courageous journey, yet Naruto could only wonder...
Where's Chouji..?
The large boy was hospitalized after he was found unconscious and lipstick smeared hanging in a tree by his underwear-like headband, two hours later.
Poor man.
The men were talking about how they all overcame their greatest fear.
"I just went through a bunch of messed up branches," Kiba said nodding proudly. "Their hair got stuck on those tree limbs. So they we're screaming while swinging back and forth. Calling out for me to help them! Pssh! I left those broads so fast..."
"How'd you do it, Shino?" Kakashi asked the stoic boy.
"Bugs."
"Tch..so simple." Gaara muttered. "I killed them."
Shocked faces.
"Why're you here, Kankuro? I would have expected you to be in that fat ass's place." Gaara muttered.
Kankuro glared at his younger brother. Why won't he leave him alone?
"Well I'm not Gaara so you can shove it!" the puppeteer shouted, finally losing his cool.
The men's previous shocked expressions were nothing compared to their now stunned expressions.
Did Kankuro -big scaredy-cat brother Kankuro- just tell Gaara -Fifth Kazekage of Sand, Shukaku's vessel, and ultimate badass Gaara- to shove it?
Gaara didn't even bat an eyelid, but his eyes remained on something in Kankuro's pocket. Curious, the elder Sand brother gazed down at his pants to see the tip of a paper sticking out.
Before he could shove it hastily from the redhead's view, Shino, who was standing in the back and watching the entire encounter, pulled it out to view with inhuman speed.
Gaara grabbed the note from the bug lover's hand and opened it up to find...
...a love note!
As Gaara and Shino's eyes followed the lines of the paper, Kankuro blushed as their eyes leaked with unhidden amusement.
"Eh?" Shino smirked. "I didn't know he makes your loins quiver at the mere thought of the two of your bodies intertwined...?"
"And what the fuck is this?" Gaara sneered. "What the hell is wrong with your spelling?"
Kankuro looked confused.
"Why is the 'E' in 'I Lov(e) You' at the end backwards?" he looked disgusted at his older brother's lack of education.
"I-I-It's supposed to be c-c-c-cute..." Kankuro stuttered. He was mortified.
Gaara stared at his brother. "You think ignorance is 'cute'?" He glared at the quivering puppeteer, yet even though he was glowering up at him, Kankuro never felt so small. "Well I guess mental retardation is downright adorable!"
"You need to quit this competition and stay away from Naruto. Do you understand?" Gaara pushed his brother for emphasis.
Kankuro said nothing. He wrote that note in hopes of Naruto would understand him better and they could get to know each other. But all hopes we're thrown out the window when Gaara found the letter.
"How is anyone going to believe you can love Naruto when you can't even fucking spell it!" Gaara chuckled at his inwardly sobbing brother.
"How old are you?" Gaara barked.
"Twe..Twe..Twe.." Kankuro couldn't even finish his twenty, before Gaara began mocking him once again.
"Twe-Twe-Twe-Too damn old to be writing your 'E's backwards, dammit!"
The men watching the entire scene and laughed. Gaara has a sense of humor!
Now one thing Kankuro would like to make clear about himself is that he is not weak! He is just overly-sensitive...and that's no reason for Gaara to treat him the way he does! He thought that his fear of his younger brother would diminish over the years, but it only grew worse.
"Gaara! You can take that note-" the brunette snatched the note back from Gaara's hand. "-and shove it up your ass!" He tore up the letter for emphasis and threw the ripped pieces at the Kazekage.
"I shouldn't have to deal with this anymore! You're not going to keep me out of this competition, you hear me? By the end of this, you're ass will be back up at your office in Sand and I'll be in Naruto's fucking pants! And I'll love -L.O.V.E- it if you even try to pull that sand voodoo shit on me because it'll give me a reason to take you out once and for all! (AN: Though we all doubt this...)"
Gaara simply blinked and then...
...smirked!
Kankuro, having an odd feeling in his gut, turned around to see Naruto's face, pale as a sheet and his eyes burning with anger. Gaara is a very close friend to the blond, closer than Kankuro has ever been, and his precious virgin ears hearing all of that! Well, it was too much for him.
"Ka-Kankuro!" his voice growled out.
Kankuro's Confessional: Uh Oh...This is not happening!
"Um...well. We just came here to tell everyone that you should please be in order." Iruka told the men, still shocked at Kankuro's out-of-character rant. "The Elimination Ceremony is about to begin."
The men all blinked. Now?
Sai voiced these thoughts.
"Yeah well," Naruto began, his eyes never leaving Kankuro. "I'm tired and I don't want to deal with one at home, so let's just do it here. Where I have all the days occurrences still fresh in my mind..."
Kankuro gulped.
The three Genins carried in the familiar table along with the common cups.
Naruto wasted no time in picking up a cup and shouting out the challenge winner's name. "Itachi."
Itachi accepted his cup and Naruto went on to cup number two. "Shikamaru."
And so on went all the names- Neji, Rock Lee, Kiba, Shino, Gaara, Sai, Kakashi, and Sasuke.
Until only Kankuro and Chouji's cup remained.
"Well," Naruto sighed. "I hope it's not too difficult to see why these two names are here."
Kankuro sighed. He could only hope Naruto would let him tell his side of the story first, before making any rash decisions.
"Chouji because he lost the challenge, and you," blue eyes locked onto brown, "well, you know why you're here." Naruto huffed and turned away from the puppeteer.
Chouji was still in the hospital so Kankuro felt kind of... odd being the only one in the crowd without a clock. He felt isolated...ostracized...
"So, I will have to give the final cup..."
Gaara smirked. This was so obvious.
"to..."
Kankuro brought this upon himself.
"Chouji."
Kankuro's eyes went wide. This is not happening! Not happening!
Oh. But it is...
Kankuro fought the guards when he refused to leave peacefully. He put up quite a fight, but he was gone within five minutes.
As all the men were about to leave, Naruto called out for Gaara to wait.
The two were all alone at the edge of the Forest of Death.
Gaara would have particularly preferred a more romantic setting... but this would do.
"His words...they didn't hurt too much did they, Gaara?" the blond's tone was gentle and concerned.
Gaara smiled inwardly and replied with a false sad tone, "Oh Naruto... He's been harassing me for so long! I don't know how I beared through it, but I did. The verbal abuse became so bad after I became Kazekage. He didn't even bother to hide his jealousy after my villagers began to accept me... But I never put one hand on him. I couldn't hurt him, no matter how persuasive Shukaku was becoming. He's my brother after all..." he faked a couple of tears.
"Oh Gaara..." Naruto rubbed his back gently before pulling him into a tight hug. "You're so brave..."
Gaara smirked into Naruto's neck before continuing his speech with his perfected tragic voice. "The wounds..they'll heal. If you help me that is..."
Naruto nodded determined. "I promise -with my ninja way- that I'll help you heal Gaara..."
(AN: Aww...fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff)
They cuddled until Iruka called them home.
In Bedroom 4:
Chouji returned from the hospital late at night and was now resting in his room with the Uchiha.
That is until...
Creak...creak..."Wahh!"
Thump!
Itachi woke up with a start to the loud noise. He turned to glance at his roommate only to find him sprawled on the floor with the remains of a broken bed.
Chouji quickly got up and looked at the bed in horror.
"What...What happened?" he asked shocked.
"The bed broke." Itachi supplied simply.
"But how? You bought these beds...they should be new..."
The Uchiha nodded.
"Then maybe it was the foundation...nah! Foundation doesn't break beds...or does it? Maybe it was the wood. Not sturdy enough? I don't get it...What could've happened...?"
Without even having to turn around, Chouji knew that his roomate was watching him the entire time, barely concealing his amusement, because Itachi really knew how the bed collapsed and knew that Chouji was just in denial.
"Get. Your. Eyes. Offa. Me!" Chouji growled.
The next morning, a lot of nin's woke up to loudly exclaim how many of their precious items and physical traits were gone...
...not to mention there were many happy fangirls and a very relieved shadow-user.
AN: Kankuro's gone as you wanted. You all may be mad at Gaara in this chapter, or mad at me because I made him mean. But fear not...he will only be mean to Kankuro in this fic...I hope. I haven't decided yet.
I will make fun of each character in this story so if you can't handle them being played with...you always have the option to stop reading.
Challenge: If anyone knows where I got that whole scene with Gaara burning Kankuro with the love note, gets dedication in the next chapter. I think this challenge is a lot harder.
Important!
When you review, tell me ONE person who you want to be eliminated in the next chapter! Not which pairing you like, or who you think should've been included in the game. Who. You. Want. To. Be. Eliminated. Only a tenth of my reviewers voted properly last chapter. So vote! Properly! If not, I can't write the net chapter.
Okay, I don't think I made that clear during last chapters, but it should be now.
Don't think I'm mean, I just want to get these updates for you up faster, okay?
Thanks and review.
Naruto © Masashi Kishimoto