Title: The Ukette
Author: myinukoi
Pairing(s): SasuNaru, NejiNaru, GaaNaru, ShikaNaru, KakaNaru, ShinoNaru, KibaNaru, ItaNaru, SaiNaru
Warning: Yaoi/Shounen-ai, second attempt at humor, serious OOCness, unbeta-ed, language (swearing), kinda AU (but they are still ninjas...just in a different environment), etc, etc...
Disclaimer: The characters portrayed in this story do not belong to me, but to the Naruto anime/manga series by Masashi Kishimoto. This is all fiction; No profit was made from this story so hence, I bear no responsibility for anything you may claim of this story.
Dedication: No one. Absolutely no one. Nobody guessed the challenge correctly. The scenes were inspired by small excerpts from the popular 'Gossip Girl' teen novel series by Cecily von Ziegesar.
Yet, I also dedicate this chapter to two reviewers who helped me come up with this chapter's challenge due to their individual analysis on each and every competitor vying for Naruto's affection: blueinu and ravemastaj. I found a really cool quiz on my beta's, Ariii.chan's, profile that helped A LOT as well. Thank you.
Birthdays: narutoluvr4evr on November 4 and Sasuke (of course) on July 23! Happy birthday!
Bold: Confessional Room
C h a p t e r 8:
"Damn! Is that the best you guys can do? Come on now! Impress me!" Naruto shouted at his admirers, Sasuke by his side, smirking smugly.
The group sighed again, yet rose their voices as they feigned cherry smiles and warm vocals.
"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday, dear Sasuke! Happy birthday to you!"
"...yooooooooooooou...!" Sai ended the song with a high, dramatic note that made everyone stare in silence.
When the half-clothed boy finished his one-man musical and regained composure, he shrugged off the awkward stares from his fellow competitors and replied their silent questions with a casual, "He said he wanted us to impress him."
Naruto's face broke out into a grin. "Hahaha...you're so awesome, Sai." The rest of the competitors looked on with jealousy, but the envy was quickly converted when Naruto spoke to Sasuke.
"So bastard, are you ready for you birthday kiss?"
The Semes began to shout in protest, but Naruto ignored them and Sasuke nodded eagerly.
"Just on the cheek, okay?" The Semes protests quieted a bit and finally hushed as Naruto moved in for the kill. The Uke Squad and Iruka were there to control the inner-raging envy the men were undoubtedly harboring.
When the blond was a simple inch away from his ex-teammates cheek, Sasuke turned his head at the last second, catching Naruto's lips with his own.
The crowd exploded with rage and Iruka had to use some seals to hold the group back. Additional bodyguards came to the Uke Squad's aid.
"C-Calm down! Please! Stop it! Y-You're all acting like rabid animals!" Naruto attempted to calm the crowd, but even his "angelic voice of peace and tranquility", as his suitors would describe it, could not tame their rage.
Sasuke just smiled goofily, unaware of the chaos his little stunt had caused.
"As Genin, last week, and now on my birthday? Three kisses so far, Naruto. It's fate."
Neji was furious when the Uchiha stole his famous line.
Twenty minutes later, when the herd's anger had dispersed, Naruto spoke.
"Jeez, do you guys think you can all be tame enough to hear out this week's challenge?"
The contenders gave their uke their full attention.
Kiba's Confessional: But with those tight jeans that melt onto his every curve, it's not like he didn't already have it. (howls suggestively).
"The Supreme Seme update is upstairs!" Naruto cried out joyously and Iruka rolled his eyes.
Iruka's Confessional: Deniiiial...
"So go to it," and Naruto blue orbs narrowed into warning crescents. "And don't forget what we've discussed last time!"
The contestants cringed. How could they? The last time they fought over the Ultimate Ukette mail, they destroyed the banister, and the stairs had so many dents and craters, walking up it was sure suicide. Chakra had to be used to climb up the side wall to get to the Seme lofts and Naruto was not happy with the damage. He spent his voice out yelling at them for over half an hour about their bestial behavior. Yet the next day, his throat was so sore, his suitors were able to indulge in babying him with expensive teas, honeys, yogurts, warm blankets, and many hugs and kisses.
Awww...
Yet at a small glimpse of his previous rage, the Semes briskly power-walked up the stairs, using careful, light steps.
Kiba made it there first.
"Yahoo!!" he jumped with glee, but the Semes obvious annoyance cut his celebration short. He opened the letter quickly, and began to read with an excited, anxious voice.
"Dear Semes,
Iruka forced me to right that heading under the threat of no ramen diet, so don't think you've won my submission!"
The suitors scoffed.
"Anyway, back to the challenge. Tsunade said that anyone would be crazy to fall for me. Yet it seems that over half her village wants me, so you all must be insane! Now, to think that Konoha's top shinobi aren't in... "their right mind" is a little disheartening...and quite improbable. Hahaha...Iruka taught me that word! So, that means not everyone here is as in love with me as they claim. Now that Chouji's gone, I'm one step closer to sorting through the fakes and finding true love and my UKE!!!"
The guys cringed at the last word, seeing as it was meant to "refer" to them. Iruka came running up stairs with a sheet of paper, a pen, and an envelope.
"Damn, you guys got up here already! Read the last word, huh?" Iruka panted.
The men nodded while wearing faces of disdain.
"Ah well. It's a hard job to correct his misconceptions..."
Kakashi put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "It's okay. You try. Us sensei's are still correcting his mistakes even after he graduated from us."
Iruka sighed, yet put on a small smile in agreement.
Kiba continued with the letter.
"Meet me at the elimination room at three this afternoon. There is someone you need to meet.
Till then!
-Naru-chan"
"Someone he wants us to meet?" Neji questioned.
"It couldn't be another competitor, right?" Sasuke questioned.
"Little brother, you're such an idiot! Why would there be more competitors?" Itachi scowled, obviously displeased with the idea.
"Sasuke's got a point," everyone turned to Kakashi. "He said he wanted true love. What if he decides to eliminate a bunch of you fakes and bring in a couple more new competitors?"
"Or," Shikamaru intervened. "What if whoever we are down here to meet, will help Naruto find the fakes?"
The men left to their rooms, and Naruto, still downstairs, was shocked by the contemplative silence. Usually, he could hear them bickering all the way from his room on the other side of the mansion.
He decided to ignore their unusual behavior and instead chose to familiarize himself with his special guest.
Three o'clock arrived and the Semes traveled in a single-filed line, as if Judgement Day awaited in the Elimination Room (although it always kind of had, the past few weeks...). They contemplated their "sins" with strict effort, peeling away any possible underlying meanings in their actions over the past eight weeks that could have been misunderstood.
Neji held the two brass knobs to the double-doored Elimination Room in his pale palms. All the competitors took a simultaneous deep breath, exhaled, and Neji pulled open the doors.
Naruto was the first thing they saw. He is the first thing they always see anytime any of them walk into a room.
Of course, he was a gorgeous as ever.
To hisleft, was Iruka and the three snot-nosed Gen- erm...The Ultimate Uke Squad.
To his right...was a woman.
All the Seme's minds went into emotional turmoil! Kakashi was right! Naruto hasbrought in another suitor! A female! He was bisexual - cutting their chances of ever being with him in half, Probably less seeing as sixty percent of Konoha's populous consists of bitches! And fangirls are such tough competitors... Could they ever win...?
Yes, that's right. The Seme's minds were in hyperdrive. All the Semes, except Shikamaru.
He calmly observed the women's age, probably mid-thirties. Her hair was pulled up intoa constricting bun, the only loose hairs were her straight, straight, bangs. Her thin-framed square glasses were fashionable, and her dark brown eyes were stern with the need for answers yet provided a weird sort of practiced sympathy. She wore a white business shirt, the collars of it overlapping the collar to her dark business coat. A starched skirt, comfortable low heels, briefcase, and expensive notepad completed her look.
Behind the group, near the open window, was a loveseat and a long couch, similar to a narrow bed, that could only be associated with one profession.
Shikamaru wasn't looking at a possible suitor for Naruto's heart.
He was looking at a psychiatrist.
"Turns will be taken with Ito-san, here. One of the best psychological therapist in the nations. The rest will wait outside patiently in chairs that have been provided for you by the servants." Iruka smiled at the Semes shocked faces. Naruto was so good to choose such a challenge!
"Please do not feel offended by my questions. They are all random, some taken by psychological observations I may notice in your character. You are not being personally attacked. I am here to help you, not hurt you."
The men grumbled in disagreement. They made it quite known that they did not enjoy the challenge. All of them had been recco mended to a psychiatrist at least once in their lifetimes, and now, looking back, they take great offense to it.
Naruto piped up, the disapproving look on his friend's faces was heartbreaking. He faked a pout. "If you loved me, you would do it."
The men melted and Ito-san looked on, observing.
"First to spend time with the Ito-san," Iruka glanced down at his list. "Kiba."
The dog boy growled and stayed in the room while everyone else left, snickers resonating behind his back.
Dipshits.
"No dogs allowed." Iruka mumbled.
"You're just targeting me! Of course there would be no one else would have a dog. Just me!" The Inuzuka growled, not one to part with his best friend, and now currently sleeping pal.
"Kiba," Iruka chided gently. "Ito-san. She's allergic."
"Tch." Kiba rolled his eyes. "Of course."
After Iruka left with the sleeping mut in his arms, Ito-san began, already in the plush loveseat.
"Please," she smiled. "Have a seat, Inuzuka-san."
He sat on the chair that was obviously meant for laying down, but he chose to stay sitting up and alert.
"Call me, Kiba." he snarled.
"Call me, Suma." she replied with a smile. (AN: Suma is a Japanese female name for "one who asks". I'm awesome with the puns. D).
"Why aren't you lying down, Kiba?"
"'Cuz I don't feel like it!" he barked.
"Kiba," he smile never faded. "Do you have difficulty trusting people?"
He looked at her sideways, as if trying to find an alterior motive. He practically proved her point.
"You had difficulty giving Akamaru away for the breif ten minutes we're supposed to be together?"
"Shut up."
"You're suspicious of others?"
"Of course." He rolled his eyes as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Why?" she pulled out her notepad, now truly ready for some observations to be made.
"Because everyone around me is so unfortunate. They want my crap because I'm so strong and they automatically assume that it'll make them strong and happy as well. That's the reason I'm in this goddamn competition in the first place. Because they want to steal Naruto from me! Selfish bastards."
"Kiba," the dog-boy looked up. "Are you a bully?"
He snorted. "'Course not!" Just because he liked to push people around a bit just to amuse himself doesn't make him a bully. He just has an unusual source of entertainment.
"I think you're lying, Kiba." She tutted. "Either that or you are in denial. Are you always like this or is it because your dog is out of your arms?"
He sighed. "A bit of both..."
"I see..." she wrote a bit more in her notepad.
"Well, enough of me..."
"Yeah. Enough of you." He stood up to leave but she called out.
"Silly Kiba. We're not done yet. Come. Talk to me."
He turned back around and walked toward her but did not take a seat. Her questions pissed him off and he was ready to leave as soon as possible.
He quickly ranted off. "Things I love? Akamaru and Naruto, dogs, training, strength, pranks, Team Eight, and comedy. Things I dislike? Almost everything besides what I do like. Things I detest with a burning passion? All the competitors here, and everyone in the way of Naruto, Akamaru and I. And newly put on that list: you."
He began to walk away.
"Kiba! Wait! Why are you so emotionally distraught? So impatient? Come tell me of your childhood. Let's find the roots to your oppression!"
But Kiba was already out the door.
He ignored the other competitors questioning looks and grabbed the sleeping Akamaru from Iruka's arms, running up the staircase.
Surely mad as hell.
"Um...er..." Iruka stuttered, unsure of how to go about Kiba's disdain.
"Hatake Kakashi?" Ito-san interrupted, poking her head outside the door.
"Hm...?"
"Would you mind joining me for some brief questioning?"
The eldest of the suitors glanced up from his favorite orange book to the staircase in which Kiba had ran off to, then he looked back at the lady with a risen eyebrow. "Ah...? Me?"
"Yes." the psychiatrist nodded curtly. "You."
Iruka's Confessional: This shall certainly prove to be interesting...
"Hm..." he stood up from the seat and stretched, never allowing his eyes to be drawn away from the book. He then abandoned the other Semes to their predictions as he joined Suma in the Elimination room.
He sat down on the elongated couch, instantly making himself comfortable. She sat down on the opposite sofa and waited patiently. Kakashi ignored her presence and turned a page in his pornographic comic.
After two minutes of uneasy silence on Ito's part, she began questioning.
"Hatake-san, do you believe you have more difficulty with relationships than the average person your age?"
Without glancing up, he replied, "No."
"Is there a reason why you chose Naruto over other possible domestic partners of your own age? I would have believed Umino-san or the sensei to the Genin team of Team 8?"
"I'm not interested in Iruka or Kurenai. I want Naruto."
The cold curtness of his words made her shift uncomfortably in her seat while she readjsted her thin-wired frames and put on a tight-lipped smile and muttered an, "of course..."
"Hatake-san? Do you tend to lie?"
"Never went a day without telling a fib!" he replied proudly.
"Have you lied today yet?" she asked, jotting down her observation on how he appeared pleased with his inability to be honest.
"No...or am I lying about that?" Kakashi asked, and the hint of dramatic mysteriousness in his tone made her shiver.
"I don't know Hatake-san. Are you?"
"Why of course not! I never lie!" he snickered at her slight jump at his boastful voice.
"But you just said that you always lie?!" the psychiatrist was so confused...
"Yeah, well I lied when I said that." The Copy Cat shrugged.
Ito chose to quickly remove her self from the topic, seeing as when it comes to manipulation, the nin was way out of her league.
"Why do you wear that mask, Hatake-san?"
"Hm?" Kakashi looked back up from the book that had once again captivated his attention, as it always does between periods of silence and tranquility. "Oh...this?" He pointed at his face. "Nothing more than to appear cryptic, elusive, and mysteriously sexy."
Suma giggled appreciatively.
"Oh, I'm not joking." Kakashi narrowed his one eye at her and it was as if he demanded utmost attention for this was a very delicate matter. "Do I not appear cryptic, elusive, and mysteriously sexy?"
The clipboard quaked from her shaking hands. Her rose-tinted face and mindless stammers quickly lost his attention once again.
"A-Ano...Kakashi-san?" When did she start calling me by my first name? "Why do you enjoy that book so much? Do you feel as though you have obsessive pornographic tendencies?"
"Godammit! This is not porn! It's a spectacular work of literatrial art that expresses the intimate love between a man and a woman!"
Her face screamed scarlet and she couldn't help but wonder, Is it possible that he's bi-sexual...?
She scooted to the edge of the sofa.
"Kakashi-san, the love between a man and a woman...it's beautiful, no?"
"Sure," he shrugged, getting back to his reading.
Feeling encouraged, Suma scooted her entire sofa closer to the laid-back man. Kakashi gave her a wary glance, sure where this was going.
"I think the love brought by a woman is warm, gracious, passionate..."
"Hn." He ignored her even as she stood up and took a new seat at the base of the psychiatrist couch, at the end of his feet.
"Have you ever..." she began to rub a soft, un-calloused hand up and down his calf. "Have you ever felt the love of a woman, Kakashi?"
Said nin rolled his eyes, sat up (startling the awe-struck Ito), and put his book away in his vest's pocket. He stood up and stretched with a yawn, paying her no mind, and Suma felt angered a bit by his neglect of her.
"I want Naruto." Kakashi sighed wearily, as if he had recited the line repeatedly and all who had not yet understood were hopeless morons.
The psychiatrist ignored the bubbling jealousy that brewed at the pit of her stomach long after Kakashi had excused himself from the meeting.
Once Kakashi departed to his room as well, the rest of the Semes waited rather impatiently for a now stern-faced Suma to emerge from the Elimination Room.
"Aburame Shino."
Her curt clipped tone was replied to silently as the tall brunet stood. His collar and glasses hid his annoyance and he followed Ito into the room.
"Hello, Aburame-san."
Said nin was quiet. He believed talking to be an inconvience and he hoped he wouldn't have to be here long. He watched quietly as she immediately began jotting down info.
"Let me guess? Quite the silent type aren't you? I'll try to make my questions as bold and to the point as possible so you'll be comfortable with nice, abrupt answers." She smiled at her own thoughtfulness.
Shino didn't respond.
She watched as an insect skittered across his nose and she shivered.
"Aburame-san, do you confide in anyone? Teammates? Family members?"
"No. I prefer not to converse with humans."
"Do you confide at all? It's not at all healthy to keep it all in."
Shino sniffed. "Of course. I confide to my insects."
"Ah..." Suma wrinkled her nose in confusion. "You converse with them? They speak back?"
"Aa."
"Ummmm," Suma closed her eyes tightly and then reopened them to face the unmoving Shino once again. "Do you have trouble with emotion? Would people label you as stoic, remote, or unengaged?"
"Yes."
"Do you have difficulty expressing anger? Do you convey rage differently than your peers?"
"Probably. I'm calm when maddened, no matter to what degree. I believe that is the way every shinobi should be."
"Aburame-san," the psychiatrist had a feeling this appointment would end shortly. Well, it all depended on how he would respond to the next subject. "Explain to me your feelings towards Naruto."
She caught the visible twitch at his eyebrow. "I love Naruto."
"Yes," she was beginning to get annoyed. "As I assumed, seeing as you are a suitor in this competition. But let me clarify. How long have you cared for Naruto?"
"Four years, three months, two weeks, and four days."
Throughly unnerved by his frightenly precise answer, she asked another question.
"How do you feel when Naruto gives you a compliment?"
"Pleased."
"What if anyone else gives you a compliment?"
"I don't care."
Ito jotted down a few more notes, feeling that the Aburame would be easy to diagnose.
"Please excuse this personal question, but realize it is the final one -- Do you ever have lustful thoughts about Naruto? Any sexual urges or wet dreams."
"No," Shino answered, obviously unaffected by the sensual question. "My thoughts have never tread into lust for as long as I can remember."
"Well," she sighed, flipping the page filled with Shino's diagnosis and turning to a new one, She wrote a new name at the top. "Could you please ask the younger Uchiha-san to come join me? And thank you for your time, Aburame-san."
Shino gave her a curt nod before exiting the circular room and fetching the younger, brooding Uchiha.
"And these fantasies..." the psychiatrist mumbled, glancing down at her filled and very thorough page on Uchiha Sasuke. When it came to the blond, information just poured out of this brunet child like wine. "Can you be a teeny bit more descriptive...?"
Sasuke's set-in-stone features morphed into a mean scowl. "How descriptive do you want me to get? I have a very healthy imagination..."
The woman coughed into her hand uncomfortably, the flush the settled on her cheeks and across the bridge of her nose seemed out of place on her professional bone structure.
She reprimanded her inner boy-love fangirl, scolding her perverse mind to desolate all similarities between her brain and that of a teen yaoi fanfic author's (AN: ... Like mine? Me? shakes head in denial Naaah!) "Tell me as much as you like..." she responded, offering comfort with a deceivingly gentle smile.
"Well, most of them are sexual..."
She tilted her head to the side 'innocently' and suggested, "Continue if you rather...?"
"It's just me fucking Naruto..." Sasuke blushed. "No big deal..."
Sasuke didn't feel it important to mention that he had a new fantasy of the blond and him every three hours or so. All created with complicated detail and decorated with concentrated subconscious wants. He believed his daydreams to be far from delusional and prided himself in the thought that they weren't just dreams, they were ambitions! It so will happen.
Hm...? Sounds familiar? His last 'ambition' is sitting outside, staring into a mirror, and quite unfulfilled.
"Would you care to elaborate?" she pushed.
Sasuke glared. "I thought you said I should just tell you as much as I like..."
She coughed uncomfortably once more but Sasuke didn't care enough to ask her if she needed a cough drop.
"Um...right." She became serious once more. "Sasuke, can you tell me of your friends?"
Sasuke blushed once again and he was ashamed to admit he was just as embarrassed around this psychologist as he was around Naruto! Her questions were beginning to frustrate him...he was borderline pissed-off... but oh-so embarrassed.
"Naruto is my only friend," he mumbled.
"That's fine, y'know..." she comforted his obviously shamed self.
"Of course I know that's fine, wench!" Sasuke's verbally abusive self came into play as it always did when he felt overwhelmed.
Perhaps one of the reasons he and Naruto never started out on good terms..., Suma mused, jotting down her observation.
"How do you feel around Naruto?"
Sasuke bit his lip in silent contemplation and Ito restrained the urge to fan herself and swoon.
"...Happy. Definitely happy," Sasuke's lips quirked up into a shy smile. "Mushy and sappy. Like I want to profess my love for him in front of all the world and buy him tons of shit just to make him smile..." Sasuke's lips came down into an unsatisfied frown and he continued. "Then again, I also feel sad. Anxious... frustrated... scared..."
"Explain these latter feelings...you've fallen for Naruto before all the other contenders, am I correct?"
Sasuke nodded vigorously. See! She knew that he fell for Naruto when the blond was still a dork and whatnot! He loved him no matter what. It's so obvious that he deserves him more than those losers!
"If this is true, Uchiha-san, then why has it taken you so many years to confess your feelings? Only when so many suitors vie for his affections, only then it seems you care..."
"I'VE ALWAYS CARED!!!" Sasuke thundered as he rose from his seat, and Suma shivered.
The men outside glared at the door to the elimination room. The emo lost his temper again?
"Of course you have, Uchiha-san." Suma got over her lost nerves and waved the angry man down to his seat after recognizing his anger as nothing more than a simple tantrum. "Then why haven't you confessed?"
"I couldn't stand it if Naruto hated me..." Sasuke whispered. "Even disliked me. Even though I know it's better than nothing... I'm so careful around him. I don't want to embarrass myself or be caught unsightly. None of that! The last six years of my life have revolved around him accepting me. Because I don't want to get rejected by him, in any sort of situation. Ever."
"But the fear of rejection when confessing one's feelings is normal, Uchiha-san." Suma interjected. "But for over half a decade? You never felt that something was wrong...?"
Sasuke blinked, oblivious. "No, why do you?"
"Oh yeah..." And Suma began to scribble in notes at an almost inhuman speed.
Sasuke watched, transfixed.
"What about your family Uchiha-san?"
"Family. Besides the mass-murder of my clan by Itachi and, y'know, Itachi - my only family is Naruto. He is like my brother."
Suma massaged the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger, agitated. "Naruto is your only love interest, your only friend, and your only family?"
Sasuke nodded. "Naruto is my everything."
She sighed. "Alright, Uchiha. Send in Nara-san."
"And the reason you didn't do it, Nara-san?"
Shikamaru shrugged. "Didn't feel like it. Too tired."
"Nara-san," Suma resisted the urge to rub indignantly at her temples. "With your intelligence, there is so much you could accomplish if you only exerted minimum effort..."
The psychologist was infuriated and jealous beyond belief! If only she had his intelligence! Then she wouldn't have had to waste her school years as a friendless, boy-repellent nobody! She could have just dated all the boys that lost a bet and made friends with the blond, popular girls that used her for her book smarts; instead of spending her Friday nights bawling endlessly over textbooks on the human condition and pamphlets with mannerisms on courteous social conduct. She could've done all those things and still made it into a world-renowned school!
Fuck you, Shikamaru, she internally seethed.
Shikamaru wanted to give her an inquisitive look, but dropped it within nanoseconds of realizing that it took too much travail. "There are only two types on effort when it comes to me, Ito-san. No effort and too much effort."
She restrained the urge to growl at him angrily.
"If you're so smart," she couldn't help but spit, "then why are you still in this competition. Don't you think you would have been able to win him over earlier, avoiding this entire issue?"
The lazy nin shrugged. "Probably. I didn't feel like doing it sooner because it would have taken too much, as I said, effort."
"Naruto is a very troublesome person, wouldn't you agree?" she began, ready to rile him up as she (unintentionally) did the previous Uchiha. "Do you think you can handle that?"
"Naruto," Shikamaru easily countered. "Is unlike most women. He is easily pleased. Whatever trouble he gives me could be strategically solved with ramen."
"Is that the only reason why you're with him? Because he's so simple-minded and can be easily manipulated? Are you that cruel, Nara-san?"
Shikamaru blinked at her question and then his gaze grew hard. "No, that is not true. I love Naruto. I'm sure of it. You can't question that. Why I love him? I must ashamedly admit, that the answer to that is even unknown to me. But what I do know is that I want to win him over. And I will display any effort necessary to do so."
The jealous psychiatrist was taken aback, but she missed the nin's muttered, "Though I hope a lot of work isn't required..."
"Besides," he continued. "Why do you oh-so suddenly care about Naruto's well-being? You strike me as the kind of person who wants to be here just to get paid, meet some very attractive men, perhaps even sell out their secrets and problems to the press for a little extra cash..."
Her thin lips were puckered into a scowl and her eyes narrowed. "Who are you to judge me?! I'm Dr. Ito Suma! Watch your mouth, brat!" she cried out angrily, before realizing she lost her cool for the first time in her many professional years of psychology. She quickly calmed down, but it was too late; Shikamaru was smirking victoriously. He had won.
"Ah, well what do you know? Our time is up. How unfortunate. It was really enlightening speaking with you, Ito-san." He held out a hand in good nature.
She accepted it, smoothing down her imaginarily ruffled feathers to prepare for her next meeting.
"Likewise, Nara-san," she lied.
Shikamaru was silent for a moment, quietly observing, and then he pulled his hand away.
His arms stretched above his head. "I must say, however, that I am glad that we are through. I'm in the mood for," the shadow-nin yawned. "A naaaap."
"I bet you are," Suma smiled, trying to leave a decent last impression. "Being around a group like this can sure wear a person out!" She wiped her own head in emphasis.
Shikamaru's bored gaze landed on her and he resisted the urge to once again smirk. The chick was so amusing! "You're only half way through," he explained. "And that past group was the best of your patients. I guess Iruka planned them for you first, so you wouldn't become too overwhelmed, but I guess you failed in that too."
"Excuse me?" the psychologist replied, flabbergasted, ignoring the impertinence to her earlier outburst. "You words imply that it could get worse, Nara-san. Don't tell me that one the other side of that door is--"
"On the other side of that door," Shikamaru smiled, the look came off as ominous and warning, "is your worst nightmare."
Suma emerged from the room and just as Iruka was prepared to call the next patient, Suma raised a wary hand to cease him.
"Let me finish the diagnoses that I have so far, eh, Umino-san?"
Iruka nodded and Suma stepped bravely up to the group of expectant Semes. Kiba had returned so she flipped through her thick, padded notebook. She stood in front of him and spoke of his final diagnosis.
"Inuzuka Kiba, I diagnose you with Paranoid Personality Disorder."
"Excuse me!" He shouted out undignified. "I am far from paranoid, you damn, crooked fake!"
She ignored him.
"Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships. They search for hidden meanings in everything and are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones. Those suffering from Paranoid Personality Disorder usually shift blame to others and tend to carry long grudges."
Kiba groaned outwardly but in the depths of his heart, he knew it was true. But he felt he was normal enough. Normal enough, anyway, as to not be diagnosed with a loco personality disorder.
"Symptoms include," she continued unfazed, just tired, "Unwillingness to forgive perceived insults; excessive sensitivity to setbacks; distrustfulness and excessive self-reliance; projection of blame to others..."
Shino's Confessional: That is definitely Kiba.
"Shut up!" Kiba resisted the urge to howl in frustration as he became increasingly annoyed.
Yet, of course, he was once again ignored. "Combative and tenacious adherence to personal rights; consumed by participation of betrayal; and relentlessly suspicious."
Akamaru barked angrily at the psychiatrist, seemingly the cause of his master's distress. Kiba growled loudly, punched his fist through a wall, and ran off upstairs, with Akamaru, naturally, once more.
Suma turned, steel-eyed towards her next patient. Though her stoic cover wavered a bit at remembrance of their meeting, she forced herself to face him all the same.
"Hatake Kakashi, I diagnose you with Schizotypal Personality Disorder."
Kakashi's Confessional: Am so not.
She glared at him lightly, but continued all the same, "Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving. Those with the disorder sometimes believe themselves to have extra sensory abilities. ("But it's true! How else would I be such an awesome ninja?") They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow." She recalled the truth to the last sentence as she remembered how Kakashi confused her, a well-educated women, when he avoided her question about his lying with, consequently, the liar paradox.
"Just because you all can't follow my great intellect and habits, doesn't mean something is wrong with me."
"Symptoms include," she went on, her voice growing stronger in front of him second by second, "Odd or eccentric mannerisms or appearances; difficult to follow speech patterns; odd beliefs or magical thinkings; appears shy, aloof, and withdrawn."
"Whatever..." Kakashi returned to his book, and Suma once again shook off the feeling of neglect.
Kakashi's Confessional: I so own her ass.
"Aburame Shino," she found herself in front of him, delivering his results as well, "I diagnose you with Schizoid Personality Disorder."
He listened silently.
"People with schizoid personality disorder avoid relationships and do not show much emotion. Schizoids genuinely prefer to be alone and do not secretly wish for popularity. They tend to seek jobs that require little social contact. Their social skills are often weak and they do not show a need for attention or acceptance. They are perceived by others as humorless and distant and often are termed 'loners.'"
"Symptoms include: weak interpretational skills; difficulty expressing anger, even when provoked; avoidance of social situations; appears to others as remote, aloof and unengaged; low sexual desire; unresponsive to usual praise or criticism."
Sai's Confessional: That is sooo true, he is sooo weird!
Sasuke didn't look too ready to receive his results, but it seems like that didn't deter the head steady psychiatrist at all.
"Uchiha Sasuke, I diagnose you with Avoidant Personality Disorder."
Sasuke's Confessional: ...the fuck? This stupid bitch...
"Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate and avoid social situations. Avoidants are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarrassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike Schizoid personality disorder, Avoidants yearn for social relations, yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed."
"You must be wrong!" Sasuke's face was ruby red as he exclaimed indignantly, trying to save face. "Shut up! I'm fine."
Itachi's Confessional: Hahahahahahaha! (takes huge breaths; heaves for air direly) Hahahahahahaha...
Suma was amused once again, yet tried to hide her smile in fear of upsetting the Uchiha to drastic measure, such as that Chidori he was so notorious for...
"Symptoms include: retreating from others in fear of rejection; preoccupation with being rejected; fear of embarrassment, resulting in more avoidance; feelings of inaptitude; desire for improved social relations; appears to others as self-involved and unfriendly; and creation of elaborate fantasy lives."
Sasuke's Confessional: H-How did she know...?
"Not true!"
"Well," Ito shrugged. "Those symptoms only involve Naruto, but you're still fucked in the head all the same."
"But I have a good reason to be! Mass murder of my clan, remember!" Sasuke glared at Itachi, who was still laughing his ass off. The older Uchiha even ignored his laugh-induced hiccups as tremors of humor shook his lithe body.
She shrugged again, nonchalant. "Perhaps." She then walked over to the competiton's genius, ignoring the rest of the younger Uchiha's angry rants.
"And Shikamaru," she smiled with such falseness it would make Naruto applaud. "I just don't like you."
Shikamaru nodded calmly. "Understandable. Likewise."
Her smile widened to unreasonable proportions. "Good."
"Great," he responded easily.
She pivoted around to gaze upon her final half of contestants. They returned her inquisitive gaze with blank ones.
"Sai," she called.
A boy with black hair, half a shirt, and a constant, creepy smile stood up obediently. "Hai?"
"Please join me, inside?"
"Excuse me?" His ashen eyes widened a bit in surprise. "Did you say 'Please join my massive, ravenous, spontaneous, ball-busting, booty-hole-tacular penis orgy?'"
Sai took in her silence. "Hm? No? Alright then." He walked passed her into the Elimination Room.
She stared after him in mute horror, and somehow, from the corner of her eye, she was able to read Shikamaru's mouthed words:
"...Worst. Nightmare."
AN: How do you all feel about the psychiatrist? I obviously didn't want her to be a Mary-Sue (I truly think I accomplished that), but I also don't want her to be one of those Anti Mary-Sues, where authors do everything possible to make there OC not a Mary-Sue. I thought of how an average, educated woman would react in such a situation and this is what spawned. Choose your own opinions however. Share them in a review if you so choose. D
No challenge.
Crazy For You: Part II will be up by the month's end or early October. Count on that. D Kinda sad though, that The Ukette's one year anniversary is coming up. Eight chapters in twelve months? I'm beyond ashamed. So ashamed that I'm trying to type a single page once a day (to any story in particular however, not simply this one; but usually this one; 8D). Hopefully by the time the next year rolls around, I'll be done, or close to done, with The Ukette story. I hope all my darling reviewers continue to support me until then
myinukoi