3. After she died (also known as The Wasted Years)
When she died, Chase felt like a terrible, terrible person because he hadn't felt particularly sad. What kind of son was he if he hadn't even mourned his own mother's death? It was like she'd died in his heart long before then. Still, he felt horrible.
Robert feels the painful irony of the situation. His mother had collapsed – sure she had passed out from alcohol before – but this time she wasn't breathing. He knew to make sure that she was still breathing. Her lips were turning blue. He called the ambulance and they'd rushed her to the nearest hospital where his father still worked. His father who drove his mother to alcohol poisoning was going to have the decision of life or death.
"It's not fair! She wouldn't have wanted this! He did this to her!" Robert yells. He is shaking from the intensity of the emotions. He clenches his fists and tries to calm himself down.
"I know you're upset son, and that's understandable but we have to follow the hospital rules. Your mother listed your father as the next of kin." The hospital administrator says condescendingly and reached out to pat Robert on the head.
"He just wants to kill her so he can get it over and done with," Robert fumes, pulling away.He didn't want to be touched. He didn't want to be comforted. His mother was dying but everyone seemed to feel sorry for him or something. He's so angry that he doesn't notice his father enter the room.
"I'm sorry, Leonard. I can deal with this. He's upset at me; it's not your fault." At the sound of his father's voice, the volcano of anger threatens to erupt out of Robert's control.
The hospital administrator is relieved and offered a sympathetic smile before hastily fleeing the room. He felt the storm brewing inside Chase junior and didn't want to be caught in the crossfire.
Rowan could see the tension in his son's stance and puts a respectful distance between them"Robert-"
"FUCK YOU!" It's the first time Robert's said it to his father. He's imagined saying it in his mind a million times but now that he's said it, it's taken all the breath out of him.
"- she has a 10 chance of waking up, maybe less," Rowan says calmly to his son's retreating back. He uses the same tone he would to the patient's family, explaining how the patient is dying and that there is nothing he can do. He's done it enough times but it never gets easier. He notices that his son stopped walking but didn't turn around. He stood in the shadow near the room, fingers hovering near the handle. Rowan continues, "Not counting extremely high risk of brain damage. She might never walk, talk again. She'll need people to take care of her all the time."
"So you'd just give up on her?" Robert hates that all the strength has been sapped out of his voice.
Rowan can hear the accusation in the air. Like you walked out on her.
"She has maybe one in a million chances that she'll wake up as her…normal self." Rowan winces at his word choice.
Robert turns around. "That's still a chance isn't it?" It sounds almost like a plea.
"It wouldn't be living. She'd just be existing." Rowan fought the urge to call him his son because he knows that he'd lost that privilege when he left her.He wanted to reach out to Robert, to comfort him.
"But she'd still be here. Maybe there could be a miracle…"
"Maybe," Rowan concedes. "But it's not likely. Statistically, its very unlikely. The best thing we can do is to look at this objectively and let her-"
"I'll never forgive you for letting her die! It'll be your fault if she goes to hell!"Robert's voice is raw fury and pain all twisted up.
Robert's retreating footsteps echoed in the corridor. Robert ran because he knew that he'd lost the battle. Nothing he could do would change his father's mind.
Rowan is bewildered at the last statement. He hadn't known his son was religious but then again, he didn't really know his son and he knew that. At the end of his marriage, both he and Christina took shots at each other. Rowan hates that his son, the one person that they really shared, ended up being the one that took all the hits.
Rowan did do it for his son. He authorizes Christina's life support be turned off because, medically, she is as good as dead. He only wishes that Robert didn't have to watch it. He'd left because he didn't want to see her waste away in front of him. Christina didn't want help so there was nothing left for him to do. Rowan didn't want to face the ugly truth that he couldn't fix his wife. He realizes belatedly he condemned Robert to the nightmare he wanted to avoid. Morbidly, he vows that he would never put his son through it again.
Chase has many what if's in his mind. He didn't blame her for the drinking – he blamed his father. It made it easier to live with her. It made it easier to live with himself. He wondered if his father had played the hand of God and interfered his prayers from being fulfilled. He also wondered if it was God's Will that his mother died. He wondered if he forgave his father, if it would mean betraying his mother. Or betraying God.
"Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Father Stevens would recognize that quite voice anywhere. He didn't even have to look. Kindly, he says, "What burdens your heart, Brother Chase?"
"How do I know what God's Will is?" Robert had rehearsed this over and over in his head. He feels a temporary sort of relief.
"He will tell you. You must speak to God. You must have faith in Him and His power. He is in control. We must go back to the Bible and seek the truth in God's Word. In Romans 8:28 it says 'And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.' God's Will is good, pleasing and perfect. If you seek him earnestly, you will know God's Will in Your heart." The Father's voice and words were soothing but Robert feels like something is missing.
"But Father...can I ask you something...something rather personal?" Robert feels the shame staining his cheeks and he lowers his face
"Of course. Never be afraid to ask the questions that trouble you. If you have doubtsthey will fester in darkness. If you bring them to the light, you will have nothing to fear." Father Stevens is intrigued. Brother Chase is easily the youngest member of the seminary school but also one of the people with the most insight. He doesn't know why Brother Chase joined but he prays for him daily, that God's healing would help him grow in his faith. Father Stevens feels that since joining a month ago, Brother Chase's faith is still being restrained by something. He feels that that something was the reason Brother Chase is here.
Then quietly, "Do you think that God's Will ever involves death?"
Father Stevens sighs softly. "Sometimes, we have to let things go and let God be God. God himself sent His only Son to save the world because He loved us that much. It was His sacrifice for us. So sometimes, we have to make sacrifices for God...do you understand? God works for the good of those who love Him. He has our best interests at heart. You have to trust that."
When Robert speaks, it all comes tumbling out and he knows that it won't make much sense. He has to say it. The words are pressing on his conscience."But why didn't he answer my prayers? I only wanted her to live. I know I didn't always want to take care of her but I never wanted her to die. I wanted him to come back too. I didn't want to have to do everything myself but God just left me!" Robert bit his lip as he felt a familiar prickling sting his eyes. "Sometimes I feel like I resent Him for not being there. I...I can't forgive him for what he's done to me." Robert wants to make the Father angry at him. He wants to find a way of releasing the pain somehow. He feels like he has yet to do his penance for not saving his mother. He needs to be punished. He needs revenge. He feels so confused.
The Father only sighs again and gave Brother Chase a sorrowful look. He thinks that he is right in thinking his young protégé needs someone to care for him. "God is your Father. He's like your father, but he's not human. He won't fail you. Even if you don't understand, he has your best interests at heart. He doesn't want to hurt you. He loves you. You have to let go of that hate, son. Only he can take that pain away."
"Maybe he put it there!" Chase's eyes flash with overwhelming emotion and he clenches his fists until his knuckles were white. "If He is like my Father then I hate God!"
The Father is shocked at the vehemence behind those words and crossed himself. He puts his hand on Brother Chase's shoulder, hoping to guide him to the light. "May God forgive you and have mercy on your soul. Letting go is not easy. Those words contain some serious hatred. It's not an easy road to walk. You must have faith in God. He will make things right."
Chase walked away from his faith. It was less painful to believe that there was no God than to believe that God would do this to him. He couldn't let it go; he didn't want to believe that his mother had suffered for no reason. That his mother might go to Hell because he couldn't save her. It was easier to believe that there was no heaven or hell. It was easier, so he could do it. Yet, he was angry at God. He resented God for not answering his prayers. He prayed that God would take his life away. He missed God because he wanted that sense of peace and contentment people had when they found God. How come everyone could find it but not him? He felt so empty and pathetic.
"Is there anyone I can call? A family member?A friend? Someone you trust?"
"No, no one."Chase clenches and unclenches his left hand, the one without the IV. Hospitals remind him of her.
"There must be someone."
He didn't want his father. He tells himself over and over. He didn't want his father. He doesn't care that he's not here. "No." He looked away. He didn't. It doesn't hurt if you don't care. He drew his knees to his chest and hugged himself.
Chase didn't tell her to leave and the older nurse must have known the loneliness that he felt. She stayed with him until he fell asleep and was there when he woke the next morning.
It was in the hospital that he made the decision to go to medical school. A stranger had shown kindness to him beyond words. He wanted to be able to do that to someone else. He wanted to be the kind stranger that noticed. Noticed those that were lost and hurting. The kind of stranger that he'd dreamed wanted when he was younger.
"Nothing you can do about it. He's your dad. It doesn't matter what he does, you're gonna love him."
He'd always been good at trying to fix things. The hospital would be his purgatory, his confessional and his home. He can't explain why he still goes to the chapel when he needs comfort, or cleansing. He still prays when there's nothing else he can do. Maybe he does believe in God, because he needs God to fix things. He still needs a chance at redemption. That someone could make things right in the end if he couldn't.
Chase tapped his pen against the table and sipped his coffee. He brushed his hair out of his eyes and scribbled the answer onto the page.
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