Chapter Eighteen

I Disclaim, sadly but I do

Dave and Leila said goodbye to eachother at the airport. He was going to be gone for two weeks and she had clients homes to finish. She'd had a long talk with Stephanie about her relationship with Dave and decided to take a breather and reevaluate. She didn't tell Dave that was the real reason she stayed behind this trip. Things were moving too fast and she had a lot of issues to deal with before embarking on this new adventure called life. She knew Dave had issues too, insecurity, trust, anger. Sure it took a lot to anger Dave, but she didn't want to be on the receiving end of an outburst. Did he need management classes? No, he just needed to sort through the others and maybe that would help the anger.

Leila needed to deal with her past. She'd been secretly seeing a psychiatrist the past month and although it was only the beginning, it helped a lot. She didn't want any questions or people asking about progress reports so she didn't even tell Stephanie. She spent three hours a week in therapy and cried the whole time. Mostly it was to get out all the pent up anger. They hadn't even discussed her brother's death or her mother's condition; so far she talked about what she remembered about her step-father. Her therapist asked about her relationship with Dave and how her past was affecting it. She admitted the crazy things like one minute they wanted to take their time and move slow and ten minutes later they were having sex.

Did she think it was purely physical? No, it was more like an emotional connection and Leila's desire to feel wanted and needed. Wanted and needed? Was she using Dave to fulfill some secret dream of what a family should be? There was no question she loved Dave, there was no question she wanted this baby. Or was there? Did she think she needed to have sex with Dave to keep him? Did she feel like something was missing as far as family goes and that has caused her to latch onto Dave a little more than she would normally have? Her doctor asked her to keep a journal. Write in it every night about the things that happened that day. Write in it if she has a nightmare, after a phone call with Dave, basically document her day.

Subconsciously had she gotten her hooks into Dave to hold him close? She seemed confused about love and relationships. She'd dated men before, but never had a long term relationship. She bailed before it went to sex, or they did. That was her goal for therapy. Deal with the past and move on to a loving, lasting relationship without bullshit baggage. She knew she had a lifetime of grief, anger, pain, resentment, fear and desertion to cope with before she could bring anyone else into her world. Leila had been living with it and still had no clue how it affected her daily life until therapy. It would be shear agony facing it, but it was something she needed to do for herself, Dave and their baby.

Leila began to question her feelings toward Dave. Was she looking for a father figure? Someone to take care of her or was it really a meaningful relationship. So many things going on in her head. She wanted to escape her life again, but knew she'd never have happiness without dealing with the sadness. Confusion, that's what it was and is, plain and simple. She shared the night she overheard Dave talking to Michelle. He contradicted himself all the time. His actions said one thing but his words said another. He didn't know if he wanted marriage and a family, didn't think he'd be good at it. But couldn't sate himself physically and they never used protection. For someone who was on the negative end of family he didn't seem to do anything to prevent it.

He had failed at marriage twice. Ok, so neither were his fault technically. But had he taken the necessary precautions, had he followed his instincts his life would be completely different. He and Michelle were best friends throughout school. The night of high school graduation they were at a party and drank a lot. They'd never touched eachother before that fateful night and now they had a 16 year old daughter as a result. They married during all the excitement and were happy for awhile. Maggie came later and was a surprise again, sure but they started falling apart. They separated before it could get ugly and remained friends to this day.

Dave met Angie at a low point in his life and she seemed to fix those things that were broken in his heart and head. She knew what he wanted to do with his life, she knew it would require traveling most of the year, she told Dave she never thought he'd actually make it so she supported his pipe dream. When it actually came true she hated it. Loved the money hated the life. He turned a blind eye to everything because he thought this was what the wrestling life would be, but it wasn't and it took a hard smack to the face in the form of infidelity to realize it.

Dave knew something was different with Leila. She seemed distant at times. He wanted to blame hormones but knew that was a caveman way to think. He decided to give her space and let her figure things out. He didn't argue when she wanted to stay behind. He talked to her two to three times a day and in the morning she was the same old Leila. By evening she was the distant Leila, the Leila who had hundreds of things running through her head.

Dave thought of his life and his past relationships. He had issues he needed to resolve too, one being trust. Never did he question Leila's loyalty or love, but Angie's actions still affected him on a subconscious level. He too thought of everything that had happened in his life and where he was now. He needed to control himself and quit being so hypocritical when it came to Leila. He was like Jekyll and Hyde when it came to her. He knew she needed to feel cared for, nurtured, needed, loved, wanted, secure, trusted. But he did a lot of things to counteract those feelings. He was like a teenage boy. He wanted the physical, but shied away from the mental. She was a great friend and lover, but she needed the emotional and mental connection too and he was running from it.

Does he want to get married again? Does he want this baby? He never did before, hated the thought of another marriage. He never wanted anymore kids before, he already had two. Why suddenly did he change his mind? What happened to him to make him see things differently? Was he going along with this simply to have her in his life? That's not fair to either of them or his family.

Dave laid in bed staring at the ceiling for another night in a row. He knew what he was doing to Leila. He needed to get his shit together. Either be with her completely or let her go completely. The latter was not an option. Michelle had said as much the previous night when he called to talk to the girls. She knew they both had things to deal with separately. Michelle suggested therapy for Dave but he didn't think he needed it. Does anybody? He needed to talk to somebody but he hated, no loathed the thought of talking about it. He was never a talker, hated discussing feelings, but all he seemed to do lately was just that. What he needed to do was talk to Leila. Clear the air, figure out what he was afraid of and why.

He looked over at the nightstand and the two pictures he took everywhere; the sonogram of his baby and a close up black and white picture of Leila lying in the grass smiling at him. He loved the honesty of black and white pictures. No flaws to complain about, just pure beauty. That was Leila, a pure beauty; insanely phenomenal on the outside and extraordinarily rare on the inside. He sat up and got out the small picture album he hid in his bag. He knew it was girly, but he also knew he would be taunted if anyone found out he carried pictures with him in something other than his wallet.

Dave flipped through and smiled at Leila. He could actually feel his heart pump differently; his body reacted naturally to her. Fireworks went off in his chest and he swelled with love. And all this for a picture. What was so confusing? What was so hard to do? He could have a lifetime of happiness with an amazing woman and a new baby or start over and possibly be alone forever. Did he question Leila was his future? Did he question the role he wanted to play in this baby's life? Why was he letting the failure of his marriage to Angie dictate his life now? Had he truly let it go and moved on? He definitely had moved on, the love for Angie died the moment he caught her in bed, HIS bed with another man. But did he let it go? What's done is done and nothing can change that. It can't be rewritten or undone.

"Hello?" She answered groggily.

"Hey, baby girl." Neither could help but smile. "Sorry to wake you, I just wanted to hear your voice."

Leila sat up detecting something in his voice. "Are you okay?" She looked at the clock and it was after midnight.

"I'm fine. Just doing a lot of thinking this past week." Dave paused collecting his thoughts. Leila unsure if she should speak or wait for him to continue. "I love you." His voice cracked with emotion and he hated that. Who would've ever thought a 6'5 290 pound guy would be emotional.

"I love you." Should I panic? Is this it? Is he breaking up with me? Is he leaving me?

"I, um…" Dave rubbed his head building courage to say those words. "I've been thinking about Angie, you, the baby, where I want to be in this life." Dave stood up and began pacing. Leila stood too feeling the bile rise in her throat. "I don't want to drag my issues with Angie around anymore. I need to let it go." Dave let his arm drop to his side. He pushed the phone into his leg and took a deep breath. He raised it again to only rub the back of his hand against his forehead. He closed his eyes and opened them focusing on the picture on his bed. Stephanie had taken it at Ric's wedding. Neither had known about it until she emailed the photo. He had his forehead against hers and they were smiling, almost laughing, looking into eachother's eyes. You could see the raw emotion in their expressions. He remembered that moment clearly.

"Dave?" He could hear Leila who was still on the phone. He quickly put it back to his ear and almost whispered to her.

"It's you. It's been you all along. Things always become clearer when I'm not with you. I just want us, that's all. The three of us. Nothing more, nothing less. Let's start over from the beginning, just you and me hanging out."

"I'd like that." She sounded relieved. "No sex until we're married." Leila's jaw dropped when she thought of what she just said. Did he still want to get married or just live together?

"Well, um, that could be a problem." He sat on the edge of the bed and fell back. "Could we move the date up then?" He teased her. That was exactly what he wanted, hard as it may be, he knew they needed to connect mentally and emotionally before making that commitment.They had it, but lost it somewhere along the way.

"No, David. The date is set. No changing it." The tears fell down her face and he heard her sniffle.

"What's wrong? Did I say something?" He sat up like Kane.

"No. I just…I…" She took a deep breath and lay back on the bed, unbeknownst to her, exactly like Dave had been. "I really love you." She decided in that moment to tell Dave about therapy. "I have a secret that I've intentionally kept from you." No turning back now. "I've been in therapy for a month trying to become the person I want to be." She was talking fast as if she knew if she slowed down she may not get the words out. "I've been dealing with the past and trying to figure out how to make things better between us. I am so glad you've given me a baby. Not glad. Ecstatic, overjoyed, thrilled. Things I never thought were possible are happening so fast, I just need to sort out my crap before bringing you completely into it and another person. Once we're married you're not getting rid of me so I thought it would be in your best interest if I sorted everything out."

"My best interest, huh. I'm glad you're doing it, Lei. I don't think I could've helped you in the ways you need it. I'm too involved to be impartial." God I love this woman.

Dave and Leila finished their conversation amidst yawns from both and hung up feeling relief. They agreed to talk about things again when he came home, but not before then. They would keep the conversations light and happy. He had another week without her and in that time he could continue to sort through his head and heart to find the peace he needed to turn them both completely to Leila. She vowed to do the same. Continue through her therapy and whether she was finished or not by the time the baby and the wedding came, at least she would be on the road to healing.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Leila was beyond excited to see Dave and vice versa. She debated as to whether she would wait in the car or go inside. If she went inside she would have to contain herself to simply walking with him and no touching. If she waited in the car it could be an extra half hour before she saw him but at least she wouldn't have to control herself. "Fuck it, I'm going in." She parked and went to security. She always stood back away from the crowd so she could see better and he could find her easier.

He was wearing a suit and those sunglasses. The black pinstripe with a blue shirt and darker blue tie looked incredible on him. He was a sexy man and that was undisputed. He did the usual posing and signing and gave her the signal that he knew she was there. She sent him a text message and he smiled when he saw it. When he signed the last picture he walked right up to her, wrapped his arm around her and kissed her firmly. He held the kiss reveling in the feel of her against him, baby in the middle or not. He bent down and kissed her tummy before stealing another one from her.

"I missed you both." He said smiling into those eyes that told him everything.