Chapter Eleven: Saying It
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I guess its gonna hurt the heart
I guess I'm gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I've loved
To get to the other side
I guess its gonna break me down
Like fallin' when you're trying to fly
Its sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye.
-Carrie Underwood
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Sara watched Las Vegas pass before her eyes, for what she thought right then might be the last time. She knew she had to leave, but that didn't make it any easier. She already missed Grissom, and she'd just seen him a half hour before. Somehow, she'd come to the conclusion that if she could put Marlin away, and finally do something about Hannah, she would be able to keep doing her job. She got what she wanted, but it wasn't the way she wanted it to happen.
When Marlin killed himself, Sara had dealt with all that she could take. And she got no satisfaction in watching Hannah break down over it. Sara had told herself that this was what Hannah deserved, but when the girl reached out to her, she had to offer some comfort.
The ghosts that Sara had decided to confront were tearing away at her. They had to be dealt with once and for all. Sara hated to admit it, but Hannah was right. She was angry and sad. And she would self-destruct. It wasn't a question of if anymore, but when. That's not what Sara wanted. And she certainly didn't want to bring Grissom down with her.
He would be sad that she was leaving of course. He would go with her if she asked. But she couldn't let that happen. If they both went away, they would never come back. And Grissom still loved his job. The thrill of the catch was still an amazing feeling for him. Sara wouldn't take that away from him.
Going away was something she needed to do by herself. For herself. It was the only way to bury her ghosts. She didn't know where she was going, but she would figure it out. She had the cab drop her off at the townhouse. Sara hurried in to pack some clothes and grab some of her things. Sara put everything in her car and drove.
She drove to the outskirts of Las Vegas, away from all the bright lights. Away from her home and the past eight years of her life. Away from Grissom.
She knew that he would be sad. That he would hurt. That he would be very lonely. But it was better in the long run. She would keep in touch with him. She would make sure that he knew that it wasn't goodbye forever. Her goodbye was hasty, but she needed to convey so much to him that it came out in a way that made it seem like she was leaving him forever. Forever was a very long time. Sara might be gone for a very long time, but not forever. She would be gone as long as it took. No more and no less time.
She drove through the night. Still not knowing where she was going. She drove through small towns that were scattered throughout the state of Nevada, she drove through a couple of cities. She drove right out of Nevada. She drove until she saw a sign that said "Welcome to California".
Sara saw the sign and finally knew where she was going. She would go back to San Francisco. Back to the place where she lived before Vegas chose her. It would be nice to stay there for a while. She might find some peace, and a way to get rid of some of the ghosts of her past.
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How do you pick up the threads of an old life?
How do you go on?
In your heart, you begin to understand.
There is no going back.
There are some things that time cannot mend.
Some hurts that go too deep.
That have taken hold.
-Frodo Baggins
The Lord of The Rings: The Return Of the King
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Grissom was lonely. He didn't like going home, because Sara wasn't there. He didn't like all the questions that people were asking him either. Was he okay? Did he need to talk? Where was Sara? Where was she emotionally? Could he speak for himself? Why didn't he take some vacation time? Why didn't he go after her?
Sara called him two days after the night she left him. She told him that she would have called sooner, but she had driven the entire time. And when she finally got where she was going, she needed rest. Where was she? He asked. In San Francisco. She needed to see her mother.
Grissom didn't ask any more questions, though he had many. Sara still sounded troubled. In his heart, he knew that this would be a long, painful recovery for her.
Before she hung up, Sara explained something she said had been nagging her, "The hardest part about saying goodbye, is actually saying it. Its what hurts the most. Especially when you don't know when you'll be able to say hello again. I'm sorry for that. But you know that this is something I need to do.
"A part of me, oddly enough, is actually grateful to Natalie for what she did. I've always needed to deal with my past. I've spent too long just ignoring it. It seems like she gave me the push that I need. I've realized that my past has been slowly wearing me down. It just sped up a little when I realized I needed to actually do something about it. This is going to take a while. But I promise I'll find a way to be able to come back," Sara's voice grew softer, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder you know. I'll be okay. I'm not right now, but I will be. I promise."
Grissom hung up the phone wishing that he could follow Sara, but knowing that he wouldn't. She needed time to clear her head. It was for her mental health. Grissom completely understood. That was what his sabbatical had been about. He sighed, the time that they were apart would be difficult. He would be awake during the time. He promised himself that he wouldn't close himself off to the world. But he wouldn't be alive, not really anyway. Not without Sara.
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Sara hung up the phone on her end. She breathed in the cool ocean air as waves crashed over her bare feet. Sara looked out over the ocean, feeling a peace that only something so large and beautiful could bring. Sara was awake. She wasn't just drifting through her life. She was awake to the fact that she needed to conquer her past. Until that happened, she couldn't really be alive.
So what had she been all these years? She hadn't truly been awake until the past few years. And she didn't see how she could possibly have been truly alive with the burden of her past.
Sara let it go. She let the thought go. She might not be truly alive now, but she would be. Sara stood in the ocean and cried. She cried for her past, she cried for her heart, and she cried for herself. It didn't relieve much of her burden, but as her salty tears mixed with the ocean, Sara knew that this was the first step. She also knew that there was a reason for everything that happened. Sometimes they gave you more chances to make things right. The second step was to take advantage of these chances. And try to understand how she could make peace with her past.
The ocean spray was cool on Sara's face. Sand covered her legs as she sat on the beach. "I guess I'm going back to go forward," Sara laughed.
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The End
A/N: This is the way it had to end. Only, it doesn't really feel like an ending to me. And that's because its not. Its really more of a beginning. Thank you to everyone who stuck with the story and supplied the truly awesome reviews! I hope you enjoyed reading it half as much as I've enjoyed writing it. Eventually, I plan on writing a sequel entitled "Alive" if anyone's interested in reading it. Like I said, this is really more of a beginning. ,')
Vega Dreamer