Edward
She is alive. Three words have never brought me as much pain and pure joy before. My reason for existence is still here. I no longer have to be empty. I cringed as I remember the pure sorrow that I felt without Bella at my side. For twenty-six years I have been an empty shell. Devoid of even the most primitive cognitive abilities, I was like the living dead for nearly two decades. I smirked at the pun, living dead was undeniably an understatement but summed up the past 26 years of my existence quite well.
It would be a lie to call it an existence. I barely existed; I've only been with the family for the past 3 years. I shuddered as I remembered how I would, for lack of a better term, stalk Bella. For continual lack of a better term, my obsession for her grew dangerous to all those by her side. I would stop by everyday, allowing myself only one hour of watching her, one hour indulging my selfish nature but nothing more to punish it. I told myself that at the first sign of her unhappiness I would intervene. I watched everyday, as she grew closer and laughed by the side of a werewolf. I spat, loathing myself even more. I only ever saw Bella by that dog's side. I only ever allowed myself to visit her with him there as an incentive to not interfere. I saw their relationship grow until the day I couldn't allow myself to anymore.
Just past the borderline, Jacob and Bella were in a car accident, a minor one, involving the smallest of cats. I'm a bit fuzzy on the details because, as always, I was too engrossed in finding excuses to reveal myself to Bella. It was tortuous seeing her in her utter perfection everyday, but not being able to touch the one I could once claim as mine. The hardest thing I've ever had to do, second only to leaving my love, was not running to the truck and making sure Bella was okay. I fought with my subconscious on the issue; I fought with my instincts; and I fought with my non-existent heart. How could I continue to follow her life if every time something happens I have to fight this battle within myself to not interfere? As Jacob Black raised an awfully smelly hand to help the fragile and beautiful Bella Swan out of his car that day, I ran back to the Cullen home, knowing I was leaving Bella in safe, no matter how gruesome, hands.
Now, I learn that she has been made undead, never to blush again, never to feel warmth. It makes me want to kill the person who changed her and left her alone. What kind of a heartless bastard can change such a wonderful human and then leave her to her own devices? The image of her beautiful, pale face with stark red eyes from Aro's mind haunted me. My beautiful Bella became a murderer. She has become unpure and a monster.
No. She wasn't a monster, she was merely unguided. But she knew the alternatives; she practically lived with us for a year, if anything she knew about the vegetarian way of live more than the regular vampire way of life at the time of her transformation. When was she transformed? Her face seemed to be a mirror image in age from when I last saw her. How could she have been changed so soon after I left? By whom? Tired of questions without answers, I decided to visit the only one with answers. The one my heart has ached to see for the past two months. My fear of rejection has kept me away from her too long. It doesn't matter if she doesn't love me anymore, after what I did to her how could she? It's quite evident that she doesn't love me; she would have searched for us when she was changed had she wished.
She didn't love me, that much was obvious. But if she could hear me tell her the truth, that I really love her and never stopped, my heart could find some solace. I jumped up and began running, towards Alice and Jaspers home. How could Bella ever have believed so easily that I didn't love her? She always believed that she wasn't worthy of me. I scoffed, her flawless, faultless features still rang sharp in my mind every time I closed my eyes. She was the epitome of beauty; I was not worthy of her. I was merely a monster, I was a creature of nightmares and this angel of dreams wanted me. What a cruel world to make my one true love a human whose beauty matched that of my own kind. A human whose only hope at happiness was without me. I battled my selfishness for years, keeping myself away from her. Something always stopped me from running back to her. I don't know what it was, maybe my pitiful nature or my concern for her happiness.
I regret it now though. What I did regret however was questionable. Did I regret not saving her from being changed, or merely not being there when it happened? Oh how I loathed my egocentricity, what was it to me that Bella's life had been turned upside down by vampires if it meant I had a chance with her? Was that how little I loved her, that her interest meant nothing as long as I could have her? Or was it how much I loved her, that whatever was in her interests was nothing compared to staying with me? A man in love is nothing without his woman. A vampire in love is as empty as a vacuum without his mate.
I threw the door to their cottage open and found Alice and Jasper cuddled together on the sofa. Surprise was not one of the many emotions playing on their faces. Alice had Seen me coming.
He's going to ask any second now. I know I decided to tell him in my vision, but what if I changed that? What if I said I knew nothing? I wont tell him where she is. I can't cause him that kind of pain. Alice planned on keeping something from me, her small frame radiated indecision. Alice's face contorted into vision-mode and I saw what she saw.
"I won't tell you where she is." I saw Alice telling me, "I'm sorry"
My face contorted into the most terrifying snarl I had ever seen myself make. I pounced on Alice only to be attacked by Jasper.
"Alice, if you ever plan on seeing me alive again, don't let me lose her twice" My voice dripped with pain I never showed.
The vision ended with my face contorted into that terrifying snarl and Alice staring at me in shock. Jasper stood, ready to attack if necessary, and Alice held out a hand.
"Stop. I'll show you Edward." Alice's face held understanding and love, she truly was my sister in all ways that mattered. Jasper relaxed his stance, and walked over to me. He easily guided me to the seat that he and Alice were occupying just minutes earlier. I turned to face Alice and braced myself for the worst.
A tear dropped from Alice's eye as she recalled the happenings of earlier that day. Bella's beautiful face went from sad to devoid of emotion in a matter of nano-seconds. Her icy skin resembling snow as it formed a structured, more robotic expression. The words that came out of her mouth were emotionless in a way even Carlisle could never imagine possible. It was as though the loving, trusting human I had loved had truly lost her soul during the transformation. My initial shock was overshadowed by my realization that vampires must have souls, because what Bella had become in front of my, well Alice's eyes, was a truly soulless creature.
"Alice Cullen. You seem to be utterly mistaken." The tone seemed so misplaced on my angels' lips, regardless of her facial expression. "Alice, you left me. I was abandoned not only by my boyfriend but also by my best friend. Don't you dare call what I do a luxury. It's a last resort. My feelings are a part of me. How could you not understand that? Your mate is an empath and you don't fully grasp the importance of emotions to ones soul? My first year as a vampire I killed 200 humans. My gift allowed me to understand their fear, their concern for their loved ones. Yet I allowed myself to become a monster because my instinct closed off my emotions for them. My worst kill made me try to be like you… you… Cullen's" I felt myself fall to the floor. I was too engrossed in Alice's memory to do the smart thing and ask her to stop. The pain I was causing myself and Alice by reliving this seemed deserved and necessary, my Angel spat with true malice, the only emotion portrayed in this memory of her, at the mention of our families name. "I killed a foster mother, who was raising 6 toddlers at once. She was on her way home from her 4th job when I killed her. All she could think about was who would take care of her babies. Even as my teeth sunk into her, all she could think about was her family. I didn't even know people that beautiful existed yet I killed her regardless. I am stuck alone to face my conscience every single time. After that poor woman I tried to resist humans. I lasted three weeks until killing another. I tried to starve myself, I was almost successful in killing shocking my body into a Vampire comatose. My gift told me it was coming; no vampire has ever accomplished it before. I was without a single meal for 7 months, 3 weeks and 2 days. A young couple drove by the abandoned farm I was in, and I had no control. I was stuck alone because of you Alice. Alone, and hating myself. Nobody was there for me; your family made me what I am. Edward was right, we are all monsters. I used to believe your family was different, but you're no better than the monsters like James and me who kill innocents because you did worse than kill an innocent. You're actions have denied her the peace that comes with death. Even though I've accepted an eternity of emotionless pain. I refuse to accept any help from those who've condemned me to it. I'm sorry I thought I could handle being around you two. But I'm glad I realized my mistake before you brought him back into my life"
Even the artificial wave of calm that flowed into my body couldn't take the edge of my emotions. It only helped me experience them fuller. Jasper realized this and edged off, allowing me to experience the full impact of my angels' words.
I would be lying if I even claimed to resemble a living creature in the weeks that followed. I remained immobile on the couch of Alice and Jaspers home, moving only through my tears. I was vaguely aware of large, familiar hands moving me from the sofa to a bed, it was only then that I realized Rosalie and Emmet had come. Was I that bad? That Rosalie and Emmet cut short their honeymoon? Or was their honeymoon over now, could it really have been 4 months since my trip to Volterra?
I began to gather myself over the next few weeks. My tears grew infrequent; the pauses between sobs grew longer. Time began to move again. I only got up when I smelled a deer in the woods by the house. I would have ignored it and stayed in bed longer but primal instincts overtook me and I fed myself. It was during that feeding that the most wonderful scent found me; a scent richer than that of human blood, more enticing than that of my human Bella. I had found my second singer. If I were in any suitable condition I would have run back home and fought the urge to kill an innocent, but I had already let my instincts take over during my hunt and my thirst was still ridiculously strong. The poor human would die and they had no idea.
I stalked carefully toward my victim as conflicting thoughts fought in my mind. Carlisle's' pleasant and trusting face stood at the forefront of them all. My own face, distorted by the feral scowl I continuously wore in my rebellious days juxtaposed Carlisle's'. I knew which face should logically win, but once my instincts take over I have no logical mind. I crept close enough to see the girl. Another female singer, better for her that I kill her now than do what I did to Bella. Bella's words echoed in my head, she blamed us for her new existence; blamed me especially. I really was a monster. I froze as my victim turned around; I fell to my knees in disbelief.