I've heard during the holidays, the whole family puts aside their differences and just enjoys the togetherness. They laugh and don't bring up problems and eat and joke and just have fun. They forget about all their problems and bask in the purity of a night of happiness.
So I've heard.
I always thought it seemed pretty idiotic. You ignore your issues for one night, they don't just disappear. They're still there in the morning, and it's even worse because you're one day later to whenever you have to solve them. How on earth is disregarding them going to help?
Maybe that train of thought is why I'm always so stressed.
I know I'll always remember tonight, as idiotic and cheesy as it sounds. Because for the first time since….well, for the first time, I didn't think of Kira or murder or being the next L or Near or anything tonight. And I laughed, and smiled. REAL smiles too, not my fake sardonic ones that you see right before the bullet smashes into your eye socket. I actually had fun.
"Your mashed potatoes aren't half bad, you know," Matt commented, bringing my thoughts back to the table as we finished the dinner. I grinned and raised an eyebrow at him.
"Why do you sound surprised? You were expecting me to poison you?" Truthfully, that joke wouldn't have been half as funny on any other day, since you really couldn't put poison past me.
"Nah," he said, scooping up another mouthful of the gravy soaked potatoes that I actually was quite proud of, "I just didn't think you could actually cook." I tried to look angry at this, but I couldn't quite muster an honest scowl. I was just too fucking happy!
"I can do anything I damn well want to, and don't you forget it!" I shot at him. He just laughed and nudged the yams towards me. We had discovered over the course of the meal that neither of us really liked them.
"Then can you eat another whole yam?" He was testing me, the bastard.
"Why yes I could," I said with my head held high, "but I don't want to. So I won't."
"Psh, you're just scared! Baby." He mockingly hid behind the turkey.
"If you call me a baby one more time, it'll be the last word you ever say!" I warned.
"Baby."
I wish I could say I lost it, I really do…but there was a warm pit bubbling in my stomach that told me how peaceful I was. All I could manage was to throw a balled-up napkin at him and mutter –
"Bastard."
He smirked at me. Damn, the food really was delicious! We settled down, eating and laughing and insulting each other, and even though it was just two guys alone in a too-small apartment on Thanksgiving, it was a cozy atmosphere. We both liked each others company more, I think, then we'll ever let on. At least, I did. And –
Matt leaned back in his chair for a moment to gaze out the frost-covered window.
"You know why I think holidays are so cozy?"
What the fuck…is this guy in my head?! Keep your composure, Mello…
"Why?" I strained to keep my voice steady. At first I thought he was going to make some cheap gay joke or something, then I took a second look. His eyes were overcast with a dead serious haze. No…not a haze…a clarity.
"Outside, everything is cold and confusing," he said in an undertone. He was looking outside into the swirling snow, but he was looking inside too, I could tell. Inside of me, and him…there was definitely chaos raging in us. "But over the holidays, when you're with people you care about--" he avoided my eye – "everything seems to calm down, even if it's just for a few hours. You forget about everything else in the world. And though those hours may not be one hundred percent serene…they always seem to make you smile."
He looked at me and did just that. It was a smaller one that the thousand watt ones we had been flashing at each other all night, but it was a million times more sincere. I felt my heart wrench itself in my chest. Why did he have to bring this up? Yeah, I was content and peaceful and whatever. Til now. Now the turmoil was twisting me up more than ever, and it wasn't even about Kira. I had never liked the holidays before because – I knew it now – I never had had anyone to share them with. But I can never tell him that. I just can't. I'm a loner; I don't need anyone or anything. Never have, never will. Except now I know why I was never happy when I was a loner…what good is success if you celebrate alone? Ah, fuck that – how do you get through failure if you have no one to help you through it?
Dammit.
Now I know exactly how to make myself happy. And it involves putting aside my goddamn pride and appreciating the fact that I need a friend. What it doesn't involve is getting up from the table, sticking my plate in the sink, and turning my back on the only person who ever cared about me.
So why is that exactly what I did?
"Happy Thanksgiving, Matt. I'll see you in the morning."
I didn't turn around. I could feel his crestfallen face boring into me as I walked away, and a suspicious burning in the corners of my eyes that threatened to spill over if I looked back at him. All the good emotions that had been piling up throughout the night had been replaced by self-hatred and complete confusion.
I glanced at the clock. 9:45…the night had ended way too quickly. It shouldn't even be over, but I just couldn't bring myself to face him. Or myself, for that matter.
There's the problem with putting off your problems – it doesn't solve anything.
Yet that's what I had been doing all evening, and it worked so well. I guess there's no harm in doing it just a bit longer.
So ignoring the hot tear sliding down my cheek and the utter silence from the other room, I turned off the light.
Next chapter is most likely the last. I don't own anything. Hope you enjoyed this…though it was written at 12:30 in the morning!