Author's Note: Okay, I officially suck and I'm a horrible, horrible liar. I seriously did have most of this written by the time I posted chapter four. I only needed to finish the ending and edit it and that ended up getting pushed off again and again. I blame the holidays, they threw me completely off schedule. To make up for it, I ended up completely revising it and moving up some events to bring you a DASEY moment, a couple actually. It's still a kind of transition chapter but I needed it to lay the ground for future chapters. After this, there should be a lot more action since the background chapters are pretty much out of the way now.

Anyway, I wanted to give a special thanks to everyone who has reviewed. I do read them and it's so nice to know that people appreciate your hard work. They definitely motivate me to keep going so...I present to you, chapter 5!

Disclaimer: Regrettably I still do not own Life With Derek or Dear Myself. I have made several attempts at bargaining, begging, crying and pleading. None have worked :(

Chapter Five: The Beat Of My Heart

Casey allowed herself to sink slowly to the ground. She leaned heavily against the door and tried to will herself to squelch the sheer panic that had compelled her to run. She hadn't known where she was going; hell she hadn't even needed to go very far. All she knew was that she needed to get away from him. She needed distance from him.

She got up slowly and headed for the closet. She pulled out the largest bag she could find and started packing what she could. She didn't know if this was the best idea or if this would even begin to fix anything. What she knew was that she had to go because she couldn't stay here. She couldn't face him. Ordinarily, she'd find this situation odd. She'd never once backed down from a confrontation with Derek. Sure he'd on occasion backed her into a wall where she had been forced to retreat and regroup, but she'd never once actually had to pack up and just plain run away. And yet that's exactly what she was doing now, running away, and for the life of her, she couldn't seem to pack fast enough.

Stifling a growl at her frustration at her hand's inability to pack at the speed she'd deemed necessary to escape, she realized that this too had to be Other Casey's fault. If he'd been just plain, old Derek, she wouldn't be having this problem. But what she'd apparently failed to realize earlier was that while Other Casey had seemed to disappear without a trace, she'd not only left a very confused Casey standing in her place, she'd also left poor, confused Casey to deal with a newly transformed Derek; a Derek that apparently had fallen very much in love with Other Casey, the evil pod person that had stolen control of her body the past three years. That was a Derek Casey wasn't even close to being prepared to deal with.

Derek stared at the empty doorway. He wanted to chase after her. God knows he wanted to chase after her. But, sighing heavily as he sat back down on the bed, he supposed Nora was right. Now wasn't the time to force her to listen or accept anything. She wasn't yet at the point where she was ready. She needed to get to a place where she could fully accept the situation and anything before that would only make her run, make her pull away. Their conversation just moments before was proof of that. But in his defense, she had asked. She'd even brought that photograph. His favorite photograph.

"The girl in the picture, you love her." Her head was bent down and he studied her profile before he replied.

"Case, of course I love you," he'd told her honestly. She looked up at him and he handed her back the photograph. Their fingers brushed briefly before she quickly looked away. For a moment, he thought she'd freeze up again but she spoke up again after a few minutes.

"How?" Her voice was so low he almost missed it.

"How what? How did we end up together?" he asked, purposely keeping his tone mild.

"No. How serious was it? I mean, you guys were living together." Her voice was clearer this time around.

"Do you want the truth?" There was a noticeable pause before she answered.

"I think I deserve the truth."

"I was going to ask her to marry me. In two weeks, right before summer," he said, not holding anything back. Casey turned to look at him, gauging whether or not he was telling the truth. Derek let out a bitter laugh as he continued.

"I had just finished picking out the ring. It's probably being resized as we speak." Derek stopped and watched her reaction. Guilt, anger, confusion all played out on her delicate features.

"How did you know? That you loved her? That it was for real?" Frankly, Derek was surprised at her line of questioning. He'd assumed she'd want to get straight to the how's and why's of how she ended up dating her rival right before she got to the part of "This ends now." Then again, she probably assumed the little break up scene from the other night was sufficient.

"I don't think it was any one particular thing. But the moment I decided I was going to ask her to marry me was about a month ago."

"A month?"

"Yeah, believe it or not we were at the library." His smiled slightly at the irony.

"You know where the library is?" Casey asked, disbelieving.

"Hey! I'm a changed man," Derek said in his defense.

"Apparently," Casey muttered mostly to herself.

Derek fought the grin that tugged at the corner of his mouth and instead continued with his story. "Anyway, I was studying for a quiz and you were finishing up a paper that was due. I needed a little break and was about to ask you if you wanted me to grab some coffee and I looked over at you and –"

"And?" Casey pressed when he paused.

"And, I don't know, I just...I couldn't…it's hard to describe. I watched you tuck a strand of hair behind your ear and nibble on the end of the pencil as you worked on your paper. I noticed that for some reason, whenever you get worked up on something, one strand of hair always seems to fall out of place. And when you're worried you always get this one crinkle on your forehead, right here." Derek showed her on his own forehead. "And I just sat there noticing things about you that I already knew. I don't know how much time passed but I didn't get tired of watching you. And I realized that I never get tired of watching you. That I'd be perfectly happy if I spent the rest of my life memorizing everything there is to know about you. And that's when I decided. I wanted forever. I needed forever."

Silence engulfed the room. Derek waited patiently as she seemed intent on staring a hole into the floor. Finally she stood up suddenly. She carefully avoided eye contact with him as she stammered out, "I…I-I can't do this right now. I have to go. I…I just…I-I have to go."

And Derek watched her run out of the room.

Casey zipped up the backpack and placed it on the bed next to the bag. She'd packed clothes and toiletries and school books and notebooks she'd assumed were hers. She found a few photo albums and didn't think Derek would mind if she took a couple of them. From the sharp, increasingly annoying pains from her damn heart when she tried to leave the photograph, she realized leaving it behind wasn't an option and so into the bag it also went. She looked around the room to make sure she wasn't leaving behind something vital. Seeing nothing, she grabbed the bags and headed out the door.

Derek was sitting on the couch and she wasn't dumb enough to believe he'd just let her walk out the door without some kind of exchange so she put down the bags and walked over slowly, taking a seat beside him. He was leaning back against the sofa with an arm casually draped over the back. Casey decided to remain in a perched position. The last thing she wanted to do was lean against his arm. The less physical contact the better was her motto when it came to Derek, despite what The Other Casey seemed to have decided.

"Going somewhere?" Derek drawled out slowly. It was a rhetorical question since they both knew the answer.

"I just think it would be best," Casey replied. The moment the words left her mouth, she felt foolish since it was rather obvious to both of them that she was leaving.

Derek felt the instant, familiar pang to tease her just like old times but he realized she was nervous. He saw her wringing her hands in her lap and decided the teasing could wait.

"Where are you going?" He asked instead.

"I think I'm going to go home. I don't think I have any other place to go."

"You could stay here," Derek suggested.

"No, I don't think –" Casey started to rush out.

"Relax, I'm kidding," he assured her, letting out a small laugh at her panic. They sat in companionable silence for a minute before Casey announced she should get going. Derek didn't respond but from the corner of her eye she thought she saw him nod. She forced herself to look over at him and saw the same expression he'd had earlier in the guest room and again she felt the dull aching in her chest. She needed to get away from him fast, anymore more of this and she might start having a heart attack for real. I should just get up and leave, she thought to herself. And she almost did but the moment she thought it the aching in her chest increased.

You stupid heart, she argued silently with herself, I'm not Her anymore. He's not my responsibility. But it didn't help and the aching continued.

Fine! She thought, reluctantly agreeing to the wordless demand of her heart which apparently had yet to realize that the pod person was gone and that Original Casey was back.

"Are you okay?" she asked Derek.

"I'm fine."

Silence.

"Are you sure? Because you don't seem fine." God, Casey thought to herself, this is like pulling teeth.

"I'm sure."

Casey didn't know what else to do. See? She thought furiously to her traitorous heart, He says he's fine. She adjusted herself in her seat, ready to get up and leave but the aching increased. This is ridiculous. She let out a silent sigh of frustration.

"Derek?" she asked cautiously.

"Yeah?"

"It's just…" Casey paused as she gathered her thoughts. "I just have to go. You understand that right? I need space to figure out everything. It's not your fault and it's not about you. This is all just so foreign for me and part of me still feels like I'm going to wake up from this dream any moment or like you should break out laughing any second and yell 'Gotcha!' All these things have happened and I need some time to catch up."

"I understand," he replied softly. She turned to look at him and caught him looking at her.

"Do you?" she asked again, wanting to be sure.

"Yeah, I get it."

"I'm fine, really," he added when she still looked skeptical.

She turned away and stood to leave but he caught her hand.

"Wait." She looked back at him.

"Derek?" Their eyes locked for a moment and she felt a warmth start spreading from where their hands touched. The warmth kept spreading, tingeing its way up her arm, to her neck and north to her cheeks. The moment it hit her cheeks, she panicked. Oh my God, I'm blushing. Stop it! Stop it right now. Why am I blushing? Stop blushing! She forced herself to hold his gaze. Casey, you will calm down right this minute. Derek will NOT affect you. PS, stop blushing.

"Derek?" she repeated. She hated that she heard a slight quiver in her voice.

"Case, I…" His voice trailed off and he stood suddenly and before Casey could react, he was pulling her against him and wrapping his arms around her.

"Derek, what are you –" Casey protested and she tried to push him away.

"Case, please. Just for a moment. Please," Derek pleaded. Casey reluctantly agreed and tucked her head into the crook of his neck to let him hold her closer. The pains in her chest immediately faded and the strong beats of Derek's heart somehow soothed her mind. Casey stopped herself from over thinking who exactly was holding her and instead allowed herself to feel nothing more than the comfort being in someone's arms gave. For a moment, she allowed herself to forget everything; the accident, the amnesia, the missing years of her life. So wrapped up was she in forgetting her troubles that Casey didn't notice that Derek was crying until tears started falling onto her bare neck.

"Derek?" she asked, alarmed. She tried to pull away to face him but he only held on tighter.

"Just a little longer, I'll be okay." Casey accepted his answer and for the first time, pulled her arms out from between them and wrapped them around his waist, offering him some of the comfort he'd given her.

In the end, they'd stood like that, holding each other, for almost an hour before Derek finally pulled away and offered to drive her to their old house. The drive was silent and when Nora opened the door to greet them, Derek brought in her bags and drove off again without a word. Nora showed her up to her old room without question.

Her old room was now mostly a guest room, with few clues that it had ever been Casey's. Her old bed was still there, though the mattress had been replaced. A few of her old dance posters still decorated the walls but the majority of them were long gone. The closet held a few clothes of hers she assumed were there in case they came home to visit but mostly it was empty. Gone was her old computer desk and in its place a simple oak dresser she assumed was for guest use. A few pictures cluttered the top of the dresser. Most were of the family, some new but some she recognized.

Casey glanced over to where George had left her bags after bringing them up. She was grateful that they were giving her her space. They hadn't asked any questions or forced any conversation. She knew the backpack contained mostly school books and notebooks so she picked up the duffle bag first and placed it on the bed. She unzipped it and began to put away the clothes she had packed and left the rest of the stuff from the bag on the bed. When she finished putting the clothes away and shoving the toiletries into a drawer, she began to rifle through the remaining items. There wasn't much; just a couple photo album, a hardbound notebook, and the photograph. She shoved the empty duffle bag under the bed to make room for herself. She climbed into bed and picked up one of the albums. She spent the better part of half an hour flipping through photo after photo before spending another half hour going through the second album. It was a painful experience. There were pictures of people she knew and some she didn't. But what hurt was each picture was an experience she supposedly lived through. There were pictures of her smiling, laughing, pouting. There were pictures of picnics, vacations, Christmases, Thanksgivings, and Halloweens. There were pictures of her and Sam and Emily. There were several pictures of a pretty blonde girl and a guy with dark hair and glasses. She assumed they were a couple new friends Other Casey had made. There were pictures of the family, of her and her dad, her and Lizzie and then of course, pictures of her and Derek.

As she flipped through the album, her frustration grew and grew. How could she not remember this? These were her friends, her family. This was her life and it had all disappeared seemingly overnight. It wasn't fair. Her eyes traveled down to the picture she had just flipped to. It was a picture of her at the beach. Her hair was billowing in the breeze and she was smiling at the camera and she struggled to keep her giant hat from blowing away. She looked so darn happy that it was the breaking point for Casey. She tossed the albums to the floor. Years of self-imposed politeness and decorum were the only things the kept her from throwing them against the wall.

Casey looked around the room, she didn't know what to do next. She didn't feel like going down and facing the rest of the family. So instead, she sat on the bed and stared at the wall. She refused to think about anything and just stared, letting the seconds turn into minutes and the minutes turn to hours.

It was already well after ten at night by the time Casey snapped out of her trance-like state. Fortunately Nora and the rest of the family had continued giving her space and hadn't come in to check on her. If they had, they would have found the albums and the pictures spread out all over the floor, Casey in a near coma-like condition, and she would have had a lot of explaining to do.

She fought the urge to clean up the mess on the floor and forced herself to tiptoe downstairs to the kitchen. She hadn't realized just how hungry she was until she opened the fridge door and had the sight of food, honest to goodness food, staring back at her. She grabbed enough food stuffs to make herself a sandwich and made quick work of putting one together. She quickly put the supplies back where she'd found them and poured herself a glass of milk and grabbed a snack size bag of chips from the cupboard, luckily the location hadn't changed. She ate quickly and washed her dishes before heading back to the room. The house was quiet and she assumed everyone had long gone to bed since tomorrow was only Friday and the kids would have to go to school and Nora and George would probably have to go to work.

She crawled back into bed but found that she wasn't tired. Despite the emotional turmoil of the day, she was still wide awake. She eyed the backpack on the floor but dismissed doing homework. Her situation had been explained to her professors and she wasn't expected back in class for a while. Though to be honest, for the first time as far back as she could remember, school and grades were the least of her worries.

Her eyes caught sight of the notebook she'd packed with the photo albums. It was hardbound and green with a pink flower decorating the front cover. Curious, she picked it up and gingerly traced the flower with her fingertip. Looking at it carefully, Casey was overwhelmed with an odd feeling. She suddenly felt anxious, nervous, scared and confused all at once. Something told her instinctively that this notebook had the answers she'd been looking for but for the life of her, she couldn't get herself to open it. Partly because she was scared at what she'd find and partly because it belonged to Other Casey and as much as she abhorred Other Casey, reading what was written inside would feel like peering into the girl's privacy, her thoughts and feelings. And Casey wasn't comfortable with that.

By the time midnight had rolled around, Casey had picked up and put down the notebook over three dozen times. She'd stopped and stared at it 25 times, gotten up and almost ran to Lizzie's room to have her come in and open it with her 15 times, and scariest of all, she'd picked up the phone to call Derek and have him come over and open it with her only to put the phone down before she could finish dialing over a dozen times. She didn't know what to do.

She was sitting up with her knees drawn under her chin. She glanced at the clock/radio on the side table next to the bed. It read 12:13am. She let out a groan as she covered her face with her hands.

"This is absurd," she said to no one in particular. "I'm a grown, mature, young woman. And okay, so I may not remember going past 17 or 18. Or even 19 for that matter but I am 20 years old and I'm pretty sure this notebook belongs to Other Casey and I am Casey so I have every right to open it up and get some answers."

Casey eyed the notebook out of the corner of her eyes and nervously chewed on her bottom lip. "Oh the heck with it, I'm reading it."

She flopped herself onto the bed on her stomach and grabbed the notebook. She carefully opened it to the first page and read the first line before her eyes bugged out and an sharp "Eeep" escaped her lips and the notebook went sailing across the room.

The line had simply said:

Dear Casey,

You may not believe this, but they tell me I'm you.

Suddenly, Casey was very tired.

Casey blew a hair out of her face and rolled over to her side so she could read the time on the clock. 3:15am and exactly 5 minutes since that last time she checked.

"I'm going crazy," Casey decided. "I have amnesia. Again. I can't sleep because I think my heart is a traitor and feeling some kind of weird phantom pain over someone I hate. I'm talking to myself. Again. And I think that crazy pod person, non-me was writing me letters in a secret notebook I found buried in the back of the closet. And I only looked there because that's where I would have hidden a secret notebook."

She closed her eyes but the aching in her chest was relentless. Casey contemplated for a moment that maybe she really was suffering from a heart attack but quickly dismissed it. She tried ignoring it but knew it wouldn't help since it had failed the last 50 times she'd tried it. She let out a huff of annoyance and dragged herself out of bed. She hobbled over to the dresser and opened the first drawer. She dug around the bottom of it until she found what she was looking for and shut the drawer. She took a look at the offending photograph in her hand and tried not to twist her mouth in disgust as her heart literally flip-flopped and the aching immediately ceased.

"You've got to be kidding me," Casey muttered to her heart. "Fine, you want it out? It's out."

With that, she propped the picture up on the dresser against another picture frame and went back to bed.

Casey's eyes popped open and started to focus on the red neon lights. Once they came into focus she read, 3:23am. The aching was back. She grabbed the pillow beside her and covered her face as she moaned a deep, sorrow-filled "Nooooooo" into it. She replaced the pillow and again dragged herself over to the dresser. She snatched up the photo and brought it with her back to the bed. She propped it up against the clock/radio and relished the immediate cessation of the aching and drifted off to sleep.
It was 3:47am and Casey was once again awake. The aching had returned. She rolled onto her back, threw an arm over her arms and let out an affected whimper. She snatched the picture with her free hand, shoved it under her pillow, noted the aching had stopped, silently vowed that this better be the end of it and went back to sleep.
4:12am and Casey's eyes flew open once again. Aching heart? Check. She rolled onto her stomach and screamed quietly into her pillow. She reached under beneath the pillow and pulled out the picture. She looked down at it.

"Why? What do you want from me?" she demanded. She finally decided on placing the picture on top of the pillow beside her. The aching disappeared instantly and she just knew she'd finally get some rest. Stubbornly, she rolled onto her other side, facing away from the picture. She silently dared her heart to ache again and when it didn't, she finally drifted off into a peaceful sleep while a smile, unknown to her, crept onto the corner of her lips.

Casey didn't awake again until 10:15am when she found herself face to face with a mussy-headed, smiling Derek.

"Derek?" she asked groggily then let out an unladylike yawn she managed to cover with a hand.

"Good morning, Princess," he said a little too brightly for her tastes.

"Derek," she said, sitting up against the headboard, "what are you doing here?"

He seemed to ignore her question completely as he focused on something beside her.

"Should I be flattered?" he asked smugly, flashing her his famous smirk and raising an eyebrow. "I mean, that does perfectly capture my good side. Then again, every side is my good side."

"What are you –" she began, then broke off as she followed his gaze to the hated photograph. Her head whirled back towards him, "I can explain."

Derek continued to smirk as Casey seethed silently as she tried to come up with an explanation that didn't sound completely insane. You stupid, stupid, heart, she thought angrily. But her heart didn't care, it was happily flip-flopping in her chest and because of Derek's nearness, the sensation was soon joined by light-headedness and the feel of butterflies in her stomach.

Casey couldn't believe the audacity. Her heart was happy to see Derek. Casey wondered if being Catholic was a requirement for seeking the help of a priest because clearly, she was possessed.

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Okay, so there you have it, Chapter 5! Did you like it? Love it? Hate it? Let me know! I hope it was worth the wait. It wasn't one of my favorite chapters but it was a necessary chapter. Chapter 6 should definitely be a lot more fun. A LOT more fun (hint hint) So stay tuned and don't forget to review! They do motivate me and I do read them all.