A/N: This chapter is, regrettably, a bit short as well, but it's more reflective than anything else, and I actually made a conscious effort to contrast a few of the things that James and Lily said in these entries. See if you can spot them! Anyway, enjoy, and the next chapter will add another element to this insane mix. :P No joke though; something will happen in the next chapter that will mess things up for them a little bit more – as if they didn't have enough to deal with already.

James

November 20th

Dear Diary,

After recent events, I've come to realize that there are some things that need to change about me. I'm a good person, and I know it, but the trouble is that no one else knows it. I was always one type of person around my friends and the other Gryffindors, but now I'm not sure if that was the right course of action to take. I'm particularly gifted with the art of making people know only what I want, and because of that, they don't know some crucial things, no matter how amazing my sense of judgment is. I'm not always sure of what I'm doing when it comes to revealing information, strange though it seems, coming from a person like me, but that's the reality of it.

For example, everyone has always known that I've fancied Lily Evans because I wanted them to – it's as plain as that. What everyone doesn't know though is how much I truly fancy her on the inside – how far I'd go for her any day, every day. I feel like I'm some lame, love-struck storybook character, but it's the honest truth; Lily Evans means the world to me no matter what she odes, and very simply put, I love her to death.

What I'm also not sure of, however, is if love is supposed to be this complicated, or emotionally slave-driving. If it is, then I know that I'm properly in it. It's all so bloody tiresome; love hurts. I long to be with Lily, but I know that I can't. I feel like I'm living for the moments when I see her pass me in the halls, and when she doesn't even look at me, I do expect it, but I'm still disappointed. It's all about waiting, this love disease I've caught; agonizing waits for…for what? I don't even know yet. And, the hell of the situation is that no one even understands how much this feeling eats away at me, or what mayhem goes on with my heartbeat when she's near me. Yes, now I'm being a misjudged jock who has such a sad, miserable life behind his swagger, but it's how it is! No one can even begin to comprehend how much she represents to me, and I think that I know why; but it does involve my telling a little tale of my life from when I was eleven years old.

When you think of me now, James Potter, age fifteen, you immediately think of a funny, messy-haired, Quidditch-playing guy who likes to flirt with girls. I've built up that reputation whether I intended to or not, and based on it, I know what people think of when they see me. Now, that's obviously not everything I am; actually, you've only just scratched the surface when you say that. There's this whole other side to me, and it's everything you'd never expect from a guy of my popularity status. The catch is that I am the only one who's aware of its existence – something I've lived with and never really minded when I was eleven.

That thought process changed quickly; when I was twelve and I was chasing after Lily Evans, she called me conceited and shallow. That had happened many times before with many different people, but it bothered me only because of the way she said it; she, unlike everyone else, passionately and honestly believed the words coming out of her mouth. It shocked me, and it was then that I began to realize that maybe I was overdoing the cover of my more tender thoughts; winning Lily over, as well as keeping myself "normal," would be much harder than I had anticipated.

I won't go into all of the details, but when I was entering third year, my sole resolution was to expose a bit more of my tender side to Evans. I was sure that this would cancel out any doubts she had about me; I could take her out one day and we'd be happy together. It would be great, and it would also be very straightforward…or so I had thought.

It didn't take long for me to figure out that I couldn't be deep around Lily; I could only goof off. It wasn't deliberate or anything, but that was just how it was – I couldn't help but make a fool out of myself when she was nearby. I tried countless methods of impressing her, but it didn't quite work out as well as I had hoped. Simply stated, third year was a disaster (despite my noble goals) and she only hated me more, if it was possible. In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have done so much to impress (or annoy) her; she got more rebellious with each tactic, and if I hadn't pushed so hard, she would have been much easier to crack.

Fourth year was more or less the same type of thing – I tried to astound Lily, I did something really stupid, Lily got pissed off, and increased her level of hatred toward me as a result. I didn't really mind it though – I just wanted some type of attention from a girl I liked, and I got it. Her opinions may have been negative, but she had seen me; now I just had to make her like me back. It obviously didn't take much time before I discovered that this was much easier said than done.

This year, however, is going to be different. This year, I can actually feel my emotions towards her changing, and I can feel myself yearn to be closer to her. I guess you could call it puppy love – a pointless crush, if you will – what I had for her before, but now I knew it was for real. The things I don't know about her seem to be eating me up inside; I want to know everything. I never had a kiss that was true by my definition, but I longed to share one with her. Sure, I'd given a few girls a peck on the cheek or the lips before, but it was only because I had given up hope on Lily. Now, I'm not giving up; this year, I will make my sincere feelings known. This year, I will get my first real kiss, and it will be from Lily.

I don't really know much of anything at this point when it comes to loving her, but what I can be sure of is that Lily Evans is everything to me, and I can only hope that one day very soon, she will come to realize it.

Lily

November 20th

Dear Diary,

Chris just dropped me back to the base of the dormitory five minutes ago; our date had finished a few minutes before that. I am still in shock, so my description of the day is a bit vague; all the details leaked out of my head in light of the situation. I'm sorry about that.

It actually wasn't as horrible as I had feared it to be; Chris is actually kind of nice – yes, I know; I'm surprised too. But he took me to Hogsmeade, bought me a butterbeer, and chatted with me while I drank it. He mostly asked me questions about myself, but I don't think I was able to provide very good answers; I'm not a particularly fascinating person, which he seemed to be having a problem comprehending. I tried to ask him about his own self, but he kept turning it back to me for some unfathomable reason. Eventually, I dropped some of my drink on my skirt, and he helped me clean it up by waving his wand quickly. He smiled at me as I blushed scarlet, and gently tucked some strands of my hair behind my ear. I could feel myself flush even redder at this simple, yet sweet gesture, and I immediately hurried away to get another drink and attempt getting myself back together.

When I came back, Chris was ready to talk about me again – I still can't understand why he cares so much. I answered the questions to the best of my abilities, but I was still kind of glad when he led me out of the shop; the feeling of awkwardness around him had not quite faded off yet.

He and I walked around the village after that, and we examined the window displays. Some things we saw were really obnoxious and gaudy, and I did my really embarrassing choky/snorting laugh when we caught sight of them. I wanted to melt through the ground with humiliation, but Chris smiled and said that my laugh was cute. I didn't quite agree, but I chose not to say anything; it was easier not to.

We went through the whole township in a fair amount of time, and I became much more comfortable around Chris; I laughed more freely, and it was much less painful to give details about various aspects of life. He noticed – he must have, because he started encouraging me to talk more. I did, feeling more affectionate to a boy than I ever had before; why couldn't the other boys be a little more like Chris?

Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity of asking me questions about every insignificant thing there was to know about me, we reached back to the Gryffindor common room. "I had lots of fun today, Lily; I'm really pleased that you agreed to come with me today," he said.

"You know, I honestly had some doubts about saying yes, but now I'm really pleased I listened to my gut and came as well," I confessed, giving him a small smile.

Chris's grin widened as I told him this, and he said, "Really? Was it because of that Potter? Did he tell you not to see me or something?"

"Nah," I dismissed. "I can't stand James – I'd never listen to anything he told me. I don't even think he knew about our date."

For some reason, this seemed to gratify Chris. "He has no idea?" he asked.

"No," I said. "None at all, unless you told your friends about it and they told other people. I only had doubts because I've generally had a bad experience with boys in this school, and my survival instincts told me to refuse; James had nothing to do with it."

"Oh," said Chris, sounding quite relieved as he started playing with a lock of my hair. "Well, like I said before, I'm really delighted that you came with me today anyway."

He then came forward and kissed my cheek with warm, smooth lips before giving me a departing wave and leaving. I stood there like a brain-dead idiot, lightly fingering my face where he had touched me, feeling it tingle in a way that was pleasant yet unpleasant at the same time. Did Chris Daniels really fancy me? It seemed like it, and I felt both that thrill of being cared for and the usual fear that some day, he'd break my heart. I'm probably overreacting, but when you think you may like someone and you don't know exactly how they feel about you, thoughts like that do come to mind; you can't stop them, especially if your feelings seem to be mutual.

I can't help but question it though; have I actually got my first boyfriend?