Disclaimer: I don't own Charmed nor do I own anything related to Amanda Marshall's song, "Beautiful Goodbye." This picks up right where the Piper/Leo scene at the end of the episode, "A Wrong Day's Journey into Right," leaves off.
Through the Years
Sixteen: Beautiful Goodbye
In these days of no regrets
I keep mine to myself
And all the things we never said
I can say for someone else
'Cause nothing lasts forever, but we always try
And I just can't help but wonder why
We let it pass us by
When I see you now
I wonder how
I could've watched you walk away
If I let you down
Please forgive me now
For that beautiful goodbye
-Amanda Marshall, "Beautiful Goodbye"
Piper twisted her hands together and looked down at them, trying to focus on anything other than Leo. Six weeks had passed since he had first come back; since he had found out the truth about Chris. She had been waiting for him to simply disappear again, but apparently he had no intention of going anywhere. As each day passed, she became more convinced that she had to ask the question that had been plaguing her for months. Perhaps now…
She opened her mouth to speak the words she had been longing to say, but then chickened out. Instead she asked, "Do you think about that night at all?" Well, it was a start at least, she supposed.
"All the time," said Leo, and she smiled, thankful her hair was acting like a drape so Leo couldn't see. "I've missed you."
Shaking her head slightly, Piper didn't respond, battling the war of emotions going on within her: her residual anger at Leo for leaving in the first place; the guilt she felt for not trying harder to make him stay; the overwhelming sadness that she'd probably never have him again. Leo reached out and took one of her hands, turning it over so it was palm up.
"You know you talk with your hands?" asked Leo, his thumb running over her palm. "It was one of the first things I noticed about you. I always wanted to keep them still."
Suddenly, Piper couldn't stand the tension any longer. Leo could pretend things were normal all he wanted to, but she had to know the truth. She had to know whether or not she had made the right decision. "Would you have stayed if I had asked?" she said abruptly. As soon as the words were spoken, she sighed in relief. Now that the question was out there, maybe she'd finally find some peace.
"Piper—" said Leo. The tentative, tight way he spoke her name made something inside her snap, and she cut him off.
"You know," she said, feeling brave, "I debated back and forth for a long time about whether to tell you I was pregnant. But I always came to the same conclusion."
"What conclusion?"
Finally, Piper raised her head and looked at Leo again. His hand gripped onto hers, almost as though he knew she was going to pull it away. "I didn't want to tell you," she said, "because we finally had a goodbye, and I didn't want to ruin it. I didn't want to go through anything as miserable as the past year, ever again."
"Wha—"
"We've been ripped apart how many times now, Leo?" she asked. "Too many to count. But in my heart I never really let go. I never said goodbye. This time I did. I told myself it was going to be the end, finally. And then I found out that I was pregnant... The truth about Chris... And I was selfish. I didn't want to be hurt again by telling you and having to watch you leave."
There. The words were out. The truth was out. And her conscious felt clear for the first time in months.
Then Leo said, "You gave up on us?" To Piper's surprise, he sounded incredulous and she felt the slightest twinge of guilt before the feeling was replaced by anger.
"Didn't you?" she asked bitterly. "You were the one who left."
"I know," said Leo, "but I don't think I ever... It didn't mean..." He shook his head.
Piper sighed, temporarily releasing the anger she felt. "I didn't stop loving you," she said. "I've never stopped loving you. But I had to let go, Leo. I had to let myself believe that we had finally said goodbye, or else I would have gone crazy."
"But I did come back," said Leo. "I always come back."
Piper smiled sadly and shook her head. "Sometimes," she said, "I think that if I had tried harder, if I had wished harder, hoped harder, everything could have been different. You never would have left, because I wouldn't have let you. And I've felt guilty about it. Horribly guilty. Especially because I was keeping such a big secret on top of it, for completely selfish reasons."
"I wish you had told me," said Leo softly. He was clearly taking care to prevent her from feeling further guilt. She knew that in the past he had thought there were instances where she had unnecessarily punished herself. Could he be thinking the same thing now, even after what she had kept from him? "I thought about you, about that last night together all the time. But I thought I was doing the right thing. Wasn't I?"
"I don't know," said Piper honestly. "I struggled for a long time about whether I should have let you go. But would it even have made a difference? You're back, but nothing's changed."
"One thing has changed," said Leo. "That night isn't our real goodbye anymore. We'll have another one."
Piper snorted in disbelief. "Is that supposed to be comforting?" she asked.
"I don't know," said Leo. "Maybe it will give us the time to make things right. Maybe when we really do say goodbye, we can do it without any doubts, or any regrets."
"I don't want to lose you again," whispered Piper. "It's why I let go. And unless you promise me that we can be together again, I'm not sure I can let you back in. I'm not sure I can let myself miss you again."
Leo brought her hand up to his mouth and kissed her palm, before letting go and standing up. "I can't promise that," he said. "Not right now." And without another word, he orbed out, leaving Piper alone. Worst of all, he still had finally answered her question. He wouldn't have stayed, had she asked him.
A/n: In a way, this chapter is a continuation of the previous chapter. The dream sequence was supposed to be a representation of all of Piper's doubts and regrets. This chapter follows as the reason she never acted on any of those doubts, and explains why she didn't want to tell Leo the truth (about the pregnancy/Chris). I think there will also be one more chapter that follows this theme; either chapter 17 or chapter 18.
Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed!
Katie