A/N: This is a cool-off chapter, in essentials; it's pretty light (in James's case) and gives me a moment to catch my breath. It also gives you a chance to go back to the fun sarcasm and the signature perviness from Sirius that you love reading, so I hope you enjoy it! Lily and James are going to start fighting again in the next chapter, as they usually do; hold tight and let me post that soon too!

Lily

December 18th

Dear Diary,

As I predicted, today was one of the worst days of my life.

Everyone at Hogwarts seemed to have heard about what went on at the Firehouse yesterday night, and rumors were thick in the air, spreading like wildfire across the school. Even though it is Sunday today and I didn't have classes, an extraordinary number of people came to find me and laugh at me. Several called me a whore, but a few asked what it was like to kiss Sirius. I didn't respond to any of them; I just concentrated on keeping my tears out of sight, keeping my head down, and getting through the day. These tactics served me fairly well, but the fifth years just made fun of me or didn't talk to me period. They asked me ridiculous questions about what Kyleigh said, and when I answered them honestly, they walked away giggling. I hate them all, but I can't say anything; I can't find any courage or motivation. They can spread whatever the hell they want; it won't change me. Or, at least, I hope it won't.

Sirius is not like that at all; Sirius hexed anyone who said anything about him, and it was effective. Unfortunately, however, that meant that they had more time to torment me instead – you can just imagine how that thrilled me. I wanted to ask him to tell everyone to lay off on me too, but I was afraid to; now that the magic of the night was over, he probably thought I was a slut too. I wasn't though – Sirius had wanted to kiss me, so he had. I didn't want the events at the Firehouse to go the way they did, but what can I do now? Sit still and stand the damage, I suppose. I've never been one to go after what I want, no matter how much I want it, so that's always been my only option.

I took it easy today though. I wore my favorite pajama pants with a tight tank top, tied my hair up in a messy knot, and didn't take my slippers off for anything. I ate nothing so that I wouldn't have to go to the Great Hall, and I mostly hid in bed. I hid from Kyleigh mostly, but it wasn't really necessary, because Kyleigh stayed as far away from me as I stayed from the world. Leila was distant as well, and so were James and Sirius. Peter hasn't been seen in ages either; I don't know what's wrong with him. Remus has to have heard of the Firehouse incident as well, because his two best friends were involved, and he has steered clear of me in addition to everyone else. Chris hasn't spoken to me either; he wouldn't want to associate with a girl like me, I'm sure. My throat is really dry right now, and I am constantly close to tears. My situation sucks, and for the putting me in it, I hate myself along with everyone else. I want to be anyone besides me right now; I've never liked being me, and now it's almost unbearable.

Kyleigh has maintained her stony silence well, even if that's not a very positive thing for me. She turns away from me in the corridors and in the Great Hall, when I went that sole time in the day. She's showing me plainly that she wants nothing more to do with me, and I suppose I deserved it; I had done something terrible after all. I keep my distance from her, and don't even try for reconciliation; that would be stupid, considering how stubborn Kyleigh is. If she wants to forgive me, she can, but I'm not going to beg for it. I still have that much dignity left in me, even if it's not much.

Leila isn't outright nasty like Kyleigh is, but she too made it clear that she didn't approve of what I had done. She averts her eyes when I walk by, and only speaks to me when it's absolutely necessary. I keep to myself, preferring to stay meek and not speak to anyone at all. In class tomorrow, I expect that I'll just keep my head down like I have been, take extra notes, and not raise my hand; that's what I've always done when I've wanted to be invisible, and that tactic may save me.

I know it sounds over-dramatic and unnecessary, but I want to know; does anyone still care about me? Does anyone still want to be near me? Is there anyone who will hold my hand and get me through this? I just want someone to be on my side, to still believe in me, really. I probably sound clingy and damsel-like, as though I can't be strong and stand on my own two feet, but I can't help it; I don't have any best friends anymore, nor do I have anyone else I can count on. It's more than my life's worth to talk to Snivelly about something like this, and same goes for James. Sirius was one kiss, nothing else; he wasn't someone I truly trusted. My first choice would have been Remus, but what could I say to him? It would be too awkward. No, I just had to keep this to myself. Somehow.

Last night, I couldn't sleep. Not at all, even though I tried to. Instead, I snuck out of my dormitory and went to the Astronomy Tower, the highest tower at Hogwarts. Since it was the middle of a December night, it was pretty chilly out, and I shivered as I took a seat out there. Though the air was bitter, I felt better; the sky was clear, it was silent, and I wasn't in trouble for sneaking around the school after hours. I sat on one of the chairs that I could actually lift and turn to the sky, and gazed up at the stars, which were sitting there in a serene peace, nearly mocking me for the lack of such peace in my own life. How I wished I could just float away into the night sky, no longer responsible for anything because I was nothing but a burning hot celestial body. It wouldn't happen, but it was a nice thought nonetheless.

I had to do something. I knew that while I was on the balcony outside; I had to think of something I could do to solve this. Then, I had decided on the methods I actually used – the avoiding and the silence – but I know now that those don't work too well. But last night, it was kind of hard to think of plans to make it through the rest of my fifth year; tranquility was so difficult to come by, and here it was, waiting for me to breathe it in. It was odd, being caught in the middle of thinking about ways to avoid things and enjoying being outside on a freezing December night. I won't give details on my muddled thought processes out there, but in essentials, it helped; I just know that writing in a diary is much easier, and makes me look more straightforward than I feel I am. Odd, isn't it? Well, that's me; The Odd Lily Evans. Lovely ring, wouldn't you say? I don't know…I can't think…what's wrong with me today?

I just don't know anything anymore, diary…I'm not in the mood to write at the moment. I can't. I have nothing to say, because there is nothing to say. I kissed Sirius, which betrayed my best friend, and I don't even know why I did it. Why can't it all go away? I shouldn't have to deal with it; I have exams to study for and a social life I would like to somehow salvage. How can I do that when half the school thinks I'm a back-stabbing whore?

I guess I'll have to find a way though; even if my world is shattered, the rest of the planet is still going to move on and drag me along for the ride.

James

December 18th

Dear Diary,

This morning, when I woke up, Sirius was pacing the floor of our dormitory. He looked like he had been doing this for a while, and I watched him for a few minutes before asking him what he was doing.

"I'm thinking about Lily," he told me. "What am I supposed to say to her today?"

"You're going to tell her that you're not interested!" I said. "She's not going to be your next conquest, Sirius. I refuse to let it happen. Remember that I'm still pretty pissed with you."

"Listen, I'm sorry," Sirius apologized. "She was just looking good enough to eat, and I couldn't resist it."

"Learn to resist it!" I said, my voice and temper starting to rise. "She's always been the girl of my dreams, not yours! You can't just take her because she looked nice!"

"I'm sorry!" Sirius repeated. "But you're lucky I didn't shag her; I wanted to."

"You wanted to do what?" I asked, my expression dangerous.

"Shag her," Sirius said. "But I didn't. I could have, since she was there and totally in love with me, but I chose not to."

"Good, otherwise I would have chosen to massacre you," I snapped. "You're my best mate, but I take the health and welfare of Lily Evans very seriously."

"Why?" Sirius asked. "She's a damn good kisser, sure, but why do you always care so much about her? She screwed up big time last night; I can't believe you're defending her."

"I'm defending her because you know her; you know that she does what she wants no matter what, and you just egged her on, even though you were aware of the delicate balance we were at before this," I said. "It was partially her fault, yes, but it was more your fault than anything else."

"How is it my fault?" Sirius demanded, outraged. "She kissed me."

"It takes two pairs of lips to kiss, Sirius, and one of them was yours," I pointed out. "I'll forgive you for now, but know that if you make even one more move on Lily, I'm going to kick your arse. Got it?"

"Yeah, yeah," Sirius said absentmindedly, looking behind me. "There's Remus; wonder what he looks all bugged-off about."

I turned around to see my other best friend, who was indeed looking rather worried and, as Sirius so eloquently put it, 'bugged-off.' He approached us, yawned, and said, "Hey James, Sirius. What's this noise I hear about Lily at the Firehouse yesterday?"

Sirius and I exchanged glances. "It was Sirius and Lily you heard about at the Firehouse yesterday," I said. "Why don't you tell him about it, Sirius?"

Sirius shot me a look and said, "Kyleigh caught me and Lily kissing last night. She flipped out, yelled a bunch of stuff, and made Lily cry. That's all."

"Really?" Remus asked, anxious. "Are you sure she's all right?"

"Yeah, probably," Sirius said easily. "I haven't seen her today though. When I do, I have to know what to say – that's what I was talking to James about."

"Poor thing," Remus said, ignoring Sirius as he looked rather anxious. "She must be feeling terrible. Kyleigh is her best friend."

"She's not a poor thing! She bloody kissed me!" Sirius roared. "She should feel terrible, because it's her fault!"

"Just one minute ago, you were saying that Lily was a damn good kisser, you wanted to shag her, and you were worried about what to say to her," I said, shaking my head at him. "Shame on you, Padfoot."

"What? A girl can be a damn good kisser while still being a guilty party," Sirius said indignantly. "You're ready to forgive her, even though she kissed me, your best friend."

"I am going to forgive her," I confirmed. "It's you I'm not sure to forgive without hurting."

"Relax, both of you," Remus said. "Peter is still mighty sick, which is why I'm going to Madam Pomfrey for some potion for him, so I don't have time to argue with you. I think that Lily is probably going through a hell of a time right now, so make her life easier and forgive her."

"You swore, Moony?" Sirius asked, pretending to sound startled. "Rubbing off on you are we, for never swearing are you."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Don't be stupid, Sirius. I really need to go; we'll argue this later." He dashed out of the dormitory, leaving Sirius and me alone.

I sighed. "Sirius, what should we do about Lily?" It was a mark of how desperate I was for advice – for once – that I was asking him this; I never asked Sirius for advice as a rule, because what Sirius considered a good idea was something very rash and guaranteed to make someone hate me.

"I'd say that you just take it as it comes," Sirius said simply. "I say just treat her normally. She'd appreciate it more than if you acted all weird, like everyone else is. But start doing that tomorrow; today is her day to be punished, and then you can be normal around her again."

"That's the…the smartest thing you've ever suggested for me to do," I realized. "Thanks Padfoot; I wouldn't have expected it from you."

"No problem, mate," Sirius said brightly. "But seriously; when you kiss her, every single bit of pain you've gone through for her will be worth it. She's fantastic. It's hard to believe she hasn't had much practice; she's better than half the girls I've kissed, and I've kissed loads."

"Oh, I'm sure she'll be quite bloody flattered when you tell her that," I snapped, an overwhelming amount of jealousy raging through me; I wanted that kiss. I wanted to be her boyfriend. I loved her. I was the one who thought she was everything and more; everyone else was just kidding themselves. I was the one who would love her right; I was her perfect match. So why wouldn't she kiss me? Why wouldn't she see that I was her soul mate? Why couldn't she bloody talk to me without yelling at me for something?

"Sorry Prongs," Sirius said, bringing me out of my trance suddenly. "Anyway, Veronica Michaels wanted to make out with me behind the greenhouses today around now, so I'm going to meet her and then come back later, all right?"

"Okay," I said moodily. "You and Veronica have fun."

"Sure," Sirius said, grinning. "For you, anything, Prongs." He laughed, thumped me on the back, and ran out of the Portrait Hole to make out with Veronica. I watched him go with little emotion and walked back to the dormitory to curl up on my bed and just think. I didn't often do that; maybe it would be good for me.

I decided then to just write all of this nonsense from the morning out, and I did, obviously; I've also decided that I'm going to actually take Sirius's advice to treat Lily normally after today. I can deal with Snivelly on the full moon, and if I catch Chris Daniels so much as asking her for a quill, I will bloody murder him. I kind of like that; he needs to stay clear of Lily, and if he doesn't, I get to punish him well. Excuse me while I do my evil laugh in private.

Anyway, I need to finish my Potions homework; I've been trying to put it off for a week, and Old Sluggy will bust a button on his robes if I don't turn it in tomorrow, on Monday. I'd better go find Remus; if I ask him for his help, he'll give me the lecture on doing my own work, check it over, and then give me the right answers anyway. Sometimes, it's really easy to love having Remus around.

A/N: Leave a review! And yes, I know that this chapter is pretty short and that I've been avoiding putting Peter into the chapters. :D Peter is ill at the moment, and I think he'll be recovered for the next entry, and the next chapter shall hopefully be a little longer and more interesting. So…review and that'll make me update faster:P I thrive in reviews, obviously, and I'm pretty close to my review goal too! Thank you so much for contributing:D