A/N: This chapter…hmmm…well it's leading into Lily's section of misery, which is coming up in the next few chapters, and it's kind of showing James in a different light. Lately, James has started to change – you've noticed that he's becoming less sure of himself and hates that, I'm sure, and now this is really displaying that. That's part of the fun of these diaries though – James and Lily have certain ideas about each other, and neither is true. Like James sees Lily as perfect and confident – we know that she isn't. Lily also sees James the same way – arrogant and self-assured all the time – he isn't. But yeah, just keep that in mind, because this is the point where when things start getting crazy for Lily, opinions change the way they might have acted. Now enough of my babbling! Read the chapter. :P Sorry about that long intro; it's late, and I'm in a rambling sort of mood.

Lily

December 21st

Dear Diary,

In all the insanity going on lately, I completely forgot about Christmas! It's only four days away, and I still needed to get gifts for my friends. The rest of the school left for Christmas vacation a few hours ago, and that's when I remembered; I dashed out to Hogsmeade right when I got a moment, bundled up against the cold, and waded through the snow to find the shops.

Hogsmeade is a beautiful place to go around the holidays; the little shops and houses are all coated with icicles, snow, and multi-colored lights, and there is a strong smell of chocolate in the air from Honeydukes. Laughter and general conversations fill the frosty air, and you just feel glad to be there. I smiled as I ran into Gladrag's and began to look for Christmas presents for my friends.

I bought Leila a pair of fuzzy baby-blue socks, since she didn't have that color and because I knew she loved socks, and with it, I bought her a matching pair of earmuffs. I filled out a cute little Christmas card with a snowman on the front with my usual gushy message – you're a great friend, Merry Christmas, have a great day, whatever – and put it all in a gift bag. Feeling particularly affectionate towards Leila, I splurged a little and bought her a small flowery design that she could charm onto any sock of her choice – they were a bit expensive, but it was cute, and Leila would love it.

I then ran to Zonko's because I had wanted to buy a present for Kyleigh like I always did, but then I stopped myself; Kyleigh wasn't my friend anymore. Should I still get her a present, or should I just ignore her like she was doing to me? To make a long, agonizing story short, my good side won out and I bought her a small box of Dr. Filibuster fireworks with a package of her favorite trick blowing gum, which she thought tasted good, despite it being boogey flavored. Whatever. I got the guy at the counter to wrap them for me, and I taped a piece of parchment to the top of it that had just four words handwritten on it – Merry Christmas from Lily. I hoped that she wouldn't throw it away without opening it; she did that sometimes if she was mad enough at the sender.

I really wanted to get Remus something as well, but I didn't know what his preferences were. Did he like chocolate? If he didn't, I knew that Sirius and James ate anything edible, and would take it, which was not what I wanted. What did boys like? He wasn't the trickster type, and buying clothes could turn into something really embarrassing – what was I supposed to buy him? I spent a good fifteen minutes pondering over the matter, but I had no ideas, so I simply took the ten Galleons I had been planning to spend on him and put them in a baggie with a note explaining that I didn't know what to get for him, and that he should obtain something for himself from me. I attached a small lily flower pin to the end instead of my name, hoping he'd get the connection.

I also knew that I would have to buy Chris something, since he was my boyfriend. However, I wasn't sure – was he still my boyfriend after my exploits on Saturday night? He had not spoken to me since that night, and I wasn't sure if he still deserved a gift; wasn't a boyfriend supposed to lend a hand to his girlfriend through her rough times? I had faced my situation alone, and even though I was pretty well again, he took no credit for helping. I decided to send him five Galleons and a note saying just Merry Christmas. It showed that I still thought of him, but wasn't in the mood to give him much.

Sirius, James, and Peter were not getting anything – I had decided that early on. I half-considered getting Sirius something very tiny, but then I decided against it; Remus was the only one in their group that I actually cared about, so Remus was the only one getting a Christmas present. 'So there,' I imagined shouting at James; 'I'm not getting you anything!'

I went back to Hogwarts with my packages, but on the way, I bumped into Snape (again) and dropped all of my bags. I groaned and bent down to pick them up, and he bent down as well to help me. I didn't say anything, hoping that he'd get my drift, and somehow, he did. He handed me a couple of bags, mumbled a Merry Christmas at me, and hurried off before I could say a thing. I watched him go curiously, wondering what had caused such a change in manner, but shrugged as I lugged my stuff to my dormitory.

When I got there, Leila was sitting on the bed, waving her wand at some wrapping paper to make it wrap the box in front of her. She looked up at me, yelped, and hastily put the box and paper away.

"Lil, give me some notice before you barge in like that, would you?" she requested. "I was getting your Christmas present ready."

"I was out shopping for presents right now, actually," I said, dumping all my bags on my bed. "I completely forgot about Christmas in light of current situations." I smirked, rolled my eyes, and took out some stationary to write cards.

Leila laughed. "Smooth. Hey, did you get Kyleigh anything? I wasn't sure if I should; she'd been kind of nasty to you before, and I wasn't sure if I should get her something."

"Yes, I did," I said. "I thought a lot about it, and got her something small despite her not being friends with me. I don't know if it was smart though; she might not even open it. Remember the year she threw away her sister's present because they'd had a fight, and it ended up that her sister had sent her fifty Galleons to buy herself something?"

"Oh yeah," she said, grinning as she remembered. "Kyleigh was so pissed…she checked garbage cans for days looking for that package. Good point, but what did you get her?"

"Her favorite blowing gum and some fireworks," I said, holding up the containers.

"Okay, well, I'd say just send it anyway; maybe she'll open it and see that you're sorry," Leila said.

"I'm not sending her a present because I want to say I'm sorry, though I am; I'm sending her a present because she is – was – my friend and I want to send her holiday greetings."

"Yeah, whatever," Leila said with a yawn. "Just send it; I want to sleep for a couple of hours – I was up all night because of that scandal."

"Scandal?" I had not been aware of something happening in the night.

"Mhmm," Leila confirmed, pulling out another gift to prepare. "Someone went to Snape's dormitory last night and put bugs in his pants. He was up, yelling and screaming for all he was worth, and it woke up most of the castle."

"Who was it?" I asked, appalled. What a horrible prank!

"We don't know for sure, but we have a pretty good idea," Leila said, smirking slightly. "The culprit left a note saying, 'Keep out of my girl's pants and I'll keep the bugs out of yours.' Who do you think it was?"

"James," I groaned. "Bloody bastard; why can't he leave Snape alone? I mean, yeah, Severus is rather annoying, but that's no reason to put bugs in the poor guy's pants when he's fast asleep and defenseless!"

"I know, but it was pretty funny," Leila said, giggling. "I liked the note."

"If James wrote it, you would even like a note full of profanities," I said, rolling my eyes.

"You're right," Leila said, clearing her things away and falling back on her pillow. "G'night, Lil."

I smiled. "Good night, Leila."

After a few minutes of utter silence, I got kind of bored; I put away my finished Christmas parcels, and went downstairs to the common room to see who was still left in Gryffindor House. I knew James obviously was, since I had seen him just before dashing off to Hogsmeade, but I didn't know who else.

Predictably, it was just James, Sirius, and Peter downstairs – Remus was out sick apparently, but I knew he was there, and Kyleigh was just coming into the portrait hole when I came down. Once the four fifth-years took a good look at me coming cautiously down the stairs, they all had rather mixed reactions; James smiled at me, Sirius determinedly stared at the window, Peter ignored me, and Kyleigh went up to the dormitory, not looking at me once. I bit my lip and sat on the sofa with my book. When I opened it, James said, "Hey Lily. You're staying back too?"

"Yeah," I said. "Petunia's always a nightmare around this time of year."

"Petunia?" He looked interested, though I couldn't imagine why.

"My sister," I clarified. "My parents are keen gardeners, obviously, and they happened to like petunias and lilies the best."

"You have a sister?" Sirius asked, looking at me at last, grinning evilly. "Is she our age?"

"Yes, but she has a boyfriend and is a Muggle," I said. "You wouldn't like her; she passionately hates magic. She also doesn't want to have sex until she's married."

"Oh, never mind then," Sirius said, his eyes going back to the window.

"That's what I thought," I said, opening my book again.

"Hey Lily, what was the Summoning Charm again?" Peter asked from deep inside his pile of parchment and books.

"Accio," I answered curtly.

"Thanks," he said, scribbling something down.

Several minutes ticked by in awkward silence after that; I read my book, Sirius watched the window, Peter scribbled things down, and James just sat, thinking. At last, he said, "Lily, may I have a word?"

"Sure." I let him take me outside the portrait hole where we wouldn't be disturbed, and waited for him to say something.

It seemed to take him a long time to get his thoughts together, so I prompted, "Yes?"

"Lil, it's killing me," he said, his hazel eyes earnest. "I want to know if you like Remus."

"You're rather nosy about my feelings towards other boys lately," I said. "Quit it; it's my business."

"Well, he's my best friend," James said. "I think I should know."

"No, you shouldn't, because it's none of you business, like I already said," I told him. "What I feel about Remus stays between us. And while we're on this subject, why did you put bugs in Snape's pants and leave that ridiculous note behind?"

"He was trying to flirt with you," he said at once. "That wasn't allowed."

"Oh, and why not?" I inquired. "Is it suddenly against the rules to have a boy simply act friendly towards me without you interfering?"

"Yes," he confirmed. "Lily, those boys aren't right for you."

"You have no right to tell me who is and who isn't right for me," I said, my temper starting to rise. "That's for me to decide."

"I'm sorry," he apologized, trying again. "You're in control of that, but you aren't in control of what I feel for you. I love you, Lily; can't you let me prove that?"

I sighed, feeling wretched and horrible again, like I always did when he said those four simple words – I love you, Lily. I longed to hear them from someone, but when that someone was James, I instantly wanted to run away and hide. I didn't though; I faced him and said, "James, you are not my type. I don't want to get into a relationship with you for that very reason. Please stop making this harder than it needs to be."

"You liked Sirius briefly, you love Remus right now; why is it everyone but me?" he demanded.

I froze up. "Wait, you said that I love Remus."

"Yes, you do," James said. "We all know that."

"Well, he's a great guy," I said defensively. "He's sensitive and kinder than anyone else I've ever met. I do love him; after even five minutes with him, how could anyone not love him?"

"So it's true? You're in love with my best friend?" James asked.

"I'm not answering that," I said.

"Then yes, it is true."

"So what if it is?" I inquired, growing angry. "You can't run my life for me; stay away!"

"I can't, in case you haven't noticed," James snapped back, becoming rather heated as well.

"I'm tired of this!" I cried out in aggravation. "I'm done! You are the most insufferable, desperately love-sick moron to ever walk this earth, and I've had it! You can't rule my life. You can't tell me what to do, what to say, or who to like. You really drive me insane, James Potter, and I want nothing more to do with you."

I glared at him, and he glared back; our faces were scarlet and we were facing each other as though we were in hostile combat position. I stormed out of the room in a huff, not looking back, and went to my dormitory. Kyleigh had been up there with Leila, talking, and when I walked in, I stopped short at the door. Kyleigh looked up at me, her expression hard, and left at once without offering an explanation to a very sad-looking Leila. I sat beside her and asked, "What was that all about?"

"She's still pissed off at you from Saturday," Leila said with a sigh. "Sorry, Lil; I was trying to talk her out of it, but she refused to forgive you."

"Its fine," I fibbed. "Kyleigh will come around eventually, and if she doesn't, well, I know who my real friends are."

"I hate seeing her so upset," Leila said wistfully. "Lils, I don't know what's going to happen. Is she ever going to talk to you again?"

"Oh yeah, she definitely will," I assured her. "Sooner or later; she's just chosen later."

"I hope you're right," she said. "I miss having the three of us hang out like we always did during Christmas vacation. Anyway, I heard you and James shouting something at one another; what was that all about?"

"Oh, that." I turned away from her so that she wouldn't see my expression – full of emotions I couldn't even identify – as easily. "It's nothing."

"I hope you won't spend your break yelling your heads off at each other," Leila said. "I'd like to see something good happen between you two this Christmas."

"Not going to happen," I said resolutely. "I only have one person who my heart may go to, and it won't be James."

"Ooh, who?" Leila asked, interested.

"If I tell you, you won't laugh, will you?" I asked, worried.

"Of course not."

"It's Remus."

Leila burst out laughing.

"Don't," I protested. "I really do like him; he's such a good-natured guy, and I see nothing wrong with him."

"I'm sorry – really, I am, but it's just that you and Remus…I couldn't imagine you with anyone but James," Leila said, hiccupping.

"I don't belong with James!" I told her adamantly. "I belong to…to someone else!"

"Someone who isn't Remus," Leila said. "Lil, he's too shy. He's never going to be able to carry out a relationship with you – he's not that type of a guy. He's really nice – I know that – but he's not the right one for you."

"You sound exactly like James," I said bitterly. "I'm just pissed beyond belief right now, Leila; do you mind if I kick you out for a few hours so that I can get my head straight?"

"Sure," she said. "And if you ever need me, I'm here, all right?"

"Thanks Leils," I said, squeezing her shoulder as she left the room. "See you."

"See you," she said back as she closed the door behind her.

Then, just as the lock clicked, I pulled you, my diary, out, and began to write about all of the happenings of today. It's just insane, this whole love thing. I'm new to it – I've never really done it before – and I've found that I hate it. I keep thinking about Remus's sweet face, intelligent eyes, and faultless disposition; he keeps playing like a video in my head, a video that refuses to go away, no matter how hard I try to push it away. He probably doesn't even like me back, so why do I even bother? Why do I even care? I wish I knew; I would try to stop. But, as it is…

I feel increasingly culpable about the James thing too, come to think of it. I mean, it had been my fault for constantly shutting him out of my life when he only wanted to help…but then again, I didn't ask him for his help! I could function on my own – not well, but I could still do it, couldn't I? He did not need to baby-sit me like some five-year-old that wasn't capable of controlling herself. I was self-governing, and I could live without him. I'd done it for fifteen years before, hadn't I? I could do it for longer. I would do it for longer. James had been asking for what he had received; I shouldn't be feeling guilty. At least, I don't think so.

My brain hurts, diary; I'm going to do a Leila and go to sleep for a few hours. Maybe – just maybe – when I wake up, things will look a little bit better than they do now.

James

December 21st

Dear Diary,

Christmas vacation started up a few hours ago, and by the looks of it, it won't be a good one.

Lily, Kyleigh, Leila, Sirius, Peter, Remus, and I are the only ones in Gryffindor that are left at Hogwarts for the holidays (I wanted to dance around the room when I discovered that Regina had left). My parents have been in France for the past month, and want to stay in Paris for Christmas, hence I was told to stay at Hogwarts for my holidays. I never minded doing that, so I agreed.

Sirius always stays for the vacation; he hates being at home, with the Pureblood Black thing going on all the time, so he looks for any excuse not to be there. Remus likes a quiet environment over Christmas so that he could study, and he stayed every year as well. Peter, of course, only stayed because we were, but that worked – all four of us were going to stay at school, in addition to three of the girls; it would be an interesting Christmas, and I knew it.

In the morning, I had gotten into a bit of trouble for putting insects into Snivelly's pants from Professor McGonagall, but since it was the day before break and Slughorn had implored for her to forgive us (giving Sluggy an early Christmas present always had its advantages), she said that she would deal with us when term started again. I wanted to dance around the school; I was cleared! For then, anyway, but that was good enough for me.

We hung around in the common room today, mostly. Peter had to study for his O. W. L.'s, because Remus had been pretty cranky and wanted him to know at least a little bit before the new term started. Poor Peter had, therefore, been presented with a pile of parchment and was under orders to study through it. He dealt with that while Sirius and I just chatted lazily, and while Remus was starting to recover from his full-moon syndrome, or his FMS, as Sirius put it, in the Shrieking Shack.

"Prongs, I'm bored," Sirius complained eventually. "What should we do?"

"You can do some of this review stuff for me," Peter said from behind his work. "Remus went overboard, and I'm too afraid to put this off, since he's been so unpredictably moody lately."

"It's for your own good, Wormtail," I said, smiling. "Finish it yourself, you nasty little cheater."

Peter scowled at me, but continued to work. Sirius thought for another moment and said, "You know, Peter's right; Remus has been acting weird lately. He's either in a really good mood, or a really bad one. It's really odd – he never does that."

"He's in love with Lily, that's why," I said dully. "We've never seen Remus fall in love, and we've never seen Remus act the way he is – do the math."

"I suppose, but Evans isn't exactly a good candidate," Sirius said. "I mean, she's cute, and a fantastic kisser, but after that, I never saw anything else."

"Shut up, Sirius," I said sharply. "She's confident, smart, beautiful, perfect –"

"All right, all right; we've heard this lecture before, thank you very much," Sirius interrupted, rolling his eyes. "Never mind what I said."

"Lily's pretty sexy," Peter agreed. "But she's so damn exasperating."

"That's the description I was after," Sirius boomed out at once. "Sexy but exasperating. Lily is far from perfect, mate; sorry."

"She is; you just don't see it," I insisted stubbornly.

"James, please," Sirius said. "I respect that you love her, but I think that you should save your feelings for when she actually returns them."

"Next time I see her, I'm going to tell her that then," I decided. "When she comes in this room next, I will tell her that I'm in love with her, and Remus is all wrong for her."

"Don't tell her that," Sirius cried, aghast. "She'll flip out at you, Prongs; don't say that."

"I will," I said. "It's the truth."

"I agree with Sirius on this one," Peter said. "She's been pretty ticked at you lately, and if you tell her that Remus is all wrong for her when she likes him, then you're in big trouble."

"I don't care," I said. "I'm going to tell her how I feel."

It was as though fate needed a sick laugh at my expense at that moment; right after those words came out of my mouth, Lily came downstairs and plopped down on the couch with her book. When she wasn't looking, I threw Sirius and Peter looks telling them not to say anything; I would tell her to come along with me, and I would say what I had to say. They got it; Sirius looked out the window and Peter continued to work on his homework. Kyleigh was coming into the common room as Lily entered it, and what I saw astonished me; Kyleigh threw her the most hostile grimace I had ever seen her give anyone, even though they were supposed to be best friends, before going up to the dormitory Lily had just left. I could see that Lily tried not to look as though this didn't affect her, but it did; she opened her book too quickly, her eyes too bright. I felt awful for her; had she been dealing with such treatment every day since that one stupid night that started this whole issue?

After a bit, I decided to make conversation with Lily, despite the looks I had thrown at my friends, and I discovered that Lily had a Muggle sister named Petunia who hated magic, had a boyfriend, and intended to be a virgin until she was married. Sirius was turned off immediately, of course, and Peter couldn't care less. I just gritted my teeth, got up, and asked her for a word. Courteously, she agreed, and she followed me to an area outside the portrait hole.

The conversation I wanted to have with her was one of understanding, of love, and of lovability – it was a conversation I would never have with any other girl besides her, Lily, and I was all right with that; I just needed to get my feelings out and hopefully have them returned. I had wanted things to click, to work out, and to make things fall into place. I wanted her to forget all about Remus and Chris, hug me, and have life be perfect. They were silly hopes, which I do realize now, but they had been there; that was part of the reason I had been hit so hard by what had actually happened.

In reality, we didn't talk about how much we loved one another. We didn't talk about love at all; we talked about Lily wanting me out of her personal affairs, and about how I had an unrequited love for her still in place. Her exact words before she stormed out of the room were, "I'm tired of this! I'm done! You are the most insufferable, desperately love-sick moron to ever walk this earth, and I've had it! You can't rule my life. You can't tell me what to do, what to say, or who to like. You really drive me insane, James Potter, and I want nothing more to do with you."

Yeah; it was pretty romantic.

I stormed out of the room right after Lily did; she ran to her dormitory, and I took my seat in the common room, positive that my face showed all of my dissatisfaction. A minute or so later, Kyleigh sat down next to me, looking just as perturbed as I was.

"I'm guessing that both of you are having Lily problems," Sirius said wittily, looking from me to Kyleigh.

"Yes," I said, feeling like I was foaming at the mouth. "She's been yelling at me about how she's had it with me; she doesn't want me, an apparently desperate, love-sick moron, to be ruling her life."

"I won't argue with the desperate, love-sick moron part, but the rest of it is bullshit," Sirius proclaimed. "You aren't ruling her life; you're only trying to help her sort the good guys from the bad. You're doing her a bloody favor."

"I know," I said. "But she doesn't."

"You know about our thing already," Kyleigh said mutinously. "Everyone does, I expect. I will never forgive her for that."

"Now, now, don't fight with your best friend over me," Sirius said, grinning slightly. "I don't even like Lily that much; she's only just a very good kisser."

"It's not just you," Kyleigh said. "It's more the fact that she stabbed me in the back when she had the knowledge and sense not to."

"Come on, she's your best friend," I said. "She made a mistake, and she's sorry; I bet you anything she'll still send you a Christmas present."

"She does that every year," Kyleigh said.

"She does it for her friends every year," Sirius corrected. "She wouldn't do it for you unless you were her friend. I've never gotten a gift from Lily before."

"Neither have I," Peter volunteered randomly from behind his sheaf of parchment. "Lily hates me."

"Well, still," Kyleigh said. "I have a pride and reputation to defend; I can't go crawling back to her."

"So you're worrying more about what people will think of you rather than your best friend's feelings?" I asked. "That's terrible, Kyleigh; make it up with her, and I'm sure she'll be happy about it – she's been going through a lot." I really couldn't believe what was coming out of my mouth; I had been fighting viciously with her moments before, yet I still defended her. I was so screwed up.

"Maybe," Kyleigh said. "After Christmas, I'll try to be friends with her again. When, however, is another story."

I shrugged. "Whatever. Your choice."

I wasn't quite in the mood to argue with Kyleigh anymore; I needed another thinking session. It was so weird, having to have one of those. I never needed them before – I always knew what I was doing. I was James Potter; I never needed to think too hard about my next move. Now, I did. It was a new experience for me, and so far, I didn't like it.

I don't really know what I'm doing anymore; that's the simple truth. I used to know exactly how to woo a girl and get her to do what I wanted, but now I didn't. That frustrates me to no end, really. So much so that I can't even write without wanting to throw this entire book against the wall and put my head down for a few hours. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm turning into a sap. I'm now doing what I used to laugh at – its lunacy but it's not the kind I like. Damn.

Well, it's about time I ponder my next move again; I usually get my best ideas when I sleep, so I'd better try that out. Not only that, however, but I really don't have the strength to cope anymore. Sleeping is an escape for a few hours – I think I can use a get away from life for a little while.

I'm sure you're probably hating Lily by this point for being so harsh, but think about it for a second – she's utterly confused, she doesn't know James as well as she thinks she does, and she's just annoyed right now. She's acting rashly, I agree, but she has a reason. Be kind to her. X3 But do review! I want to hear your thoughts; that makes me happy, and makes me write a lot faster. :3