A/N: This is probably the shortest chapter I've written for the diaries so far, and it's probably going to be the most frustrating as well. Read Lily's entry and you'll see. But anyway, this chapter is the one before the Remus/Lily relationship is figured out – once and for all – so enjoy this and I'll try to get Chapter 21 up soon!
Lily
December 27th
Dear Diary,
I don't have much time to write at the moment, so this will be short, but I've sorted everything out finally. I put a lot of thought into my plan of action, and now that I have it together, I want to write about it – it seems that when I write everything down, I see it more clearly than when I envisioned it in my mind.
Anyway, so I've decided that I love Remus, not James.
My reasoning is this; Remus is sweet and has held my interest ever since James formed his miniature four-person clan. James wasn't anything more to me than a flirty jerk – a jerk who recently gave me a breathtaking Christmas present, now. I did kiss James, and I did love it, but a kiss is nothing. I'd liked my kiss with Sirius too, hadn't I? That meant nothing; I didn't like Sirius, despite our kiss. James is probably the same way – he has never really meant that much to me. Besides, he's only on my mind because he's a major pain, not because I like him; there's a difference. That's the difference that has helped me pick a guy to go after – my heart is now set on Remus.
Today, however, something did happen with James. It was in the common room this afternoon; he and I were in the common room while Remus, Peter, Sirius, Kyleigh, and Leila were outside in the snow. Leila had asked me to come along with them, but I said no thank you – I wanted to read my book; I was pretty sure that was why James said no as well. We sat in silence by the fire together – I was immersed in my book and James was eating chocolate while playing with his yoyo.
Eventually, though, James asked, "You're wearing it?"
"Pardon me?" I looked up, tearing my eyes off the page in my book to give him a confused look.
"You're wearing the bracelet I gave you?"
"Of course I am," I said. "It's my favorite present out of all the ones I've ever gotten."
James smiled, obviously pleased. "I like that."
"You would," I said, going back to my book.
"Lil?"
I looked up again. "Yes?"
He smiled. "I'm glad you like your bracelet."
I couldn't help but give him a small, passive smile back. I started to blush then, for what seemed to be absolutely no reason; mortified, I got up and scurried over to my dormitory, being a coward again like I usually was. What could I say? I was screwed up beyond belief, and I didn't like confrontation or showing people that I was embarrassed – running away was just so much easier. I know I'm a scaredy-cat, but what can I do? I'm Lily Evans, Queen of Confusion, and running away is what I do best.
Leila has actually been begging me to snowball fight with her again for several weeks now, and she's about to go, so I'm going to join her. I'll write again when I either have the time, or if something huge happens. Lately, I'm not quite sure which happens more often – life is weird right now.
All I can be sure of now is this: Remus is the one I care for, and not James.
James
December 27th
Dear Diary,
It's like I'm floating; floating on my personal dream cloud, in a perfect bubble of a world, content within myself…and Lily, of course. It's so strange – I've never felt like this before. Normally, I'm just me, banging around with life as I usually do, but now it's something different. I can actually feel myself changing, feel it all taking place before my very eyes. Normally, I don't realize things like that until the very end, when I'm forced to think about it. Lily just has that effect on me, I suppose. Maybe that's why I love her so much – she can change me in ways no one else can.
I don't know…it's like I'm falling more and more in love with her as time goes on. Every time I look into those green eyes, I see so much – I can't even explain it. When she smiles, it's as though nothing is wrong in the world – all that matters is that beautiful smile, warming me inside in a way no one else can do. She means the world to me – truly, she does – and she doesn't even know it.
I've noticed more mood changes in me lately; sometimes I'm so happy, it's as though my heart will explode with all that pent-up emotion. Other times, I'm restless; I want to run around the world four times over, but I'm not able to. I want everything, but I can have nothing. There are often times when I'm so depressed, it's like a dementor attack – there's no happiness in my world, and everything seems to go wrong. I also have this screwy angry thing going on too – it's as though I have this flame wanting to burst through, and I want to yell and scream for hours at everyone and everything around me. These strange, wild feelings take me over all the time, and so suddenly/frequently; I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, and that's usually when I feel restless and rather helpless. I've never been like this before! Why now?
I think its being in love – really in love – and not having the feeling requited. Love makes people do crazy things, which I'm fully aware of, but it's even worse when the feeling isn't returned. Then it's like a hopeless effort that you feel stupid for making – why do it if it won't work? Yet, even after realizing that, you keep it up anyway. I've done that with Lily Evans for five years, but I'm still completely in love with her – just as much as I had when I was eleven.
Love; what a weird emotion. Is it even an emotion? I think it's a disease. Yeah; a really horrible disease. It makes me live only for those little glimpses of Lily – seeing her run away from me into her dormitory, her smile when Leila says something unintentionally funny or the wrinkle of her nose when Sirius says something perverted. I crave those moments; I wait for them, I drink them in, and I keep watching them over and over again in my mind's eye. Pathetic? Yes, I am. Those are only little flashes that I see of her – they last less than ten seconds, half the time, yet they mean so much to me. Being in love is so completely demented, especially when those feelings are for someone as perfect and fantastic as Lily.
Take today for example; I had a simple conversation with her, and I was constantly thinking of it after it happened. She had been sitting in the common room with me (I had chosen not to snowball fight because I had wanted to stay back alone with her – I told you I was pathetic) earlier, and I told her that I was glad she was wearing the bracelet I had given her. She just ran off after that, like she always did, but her facial expressions were on my mind nearly neurotically – it was unhealthy, really, but it didn't matter as much when I was actually dreaming opposed to when I was thinking about my dreaming. That probably made no sense, but then again, none of my insanely protective feelings for Lily make sense.
Everyone sees me as James Potter, the guy who plays too much Quidditch, is handsome, hilarious, and tricky; however, lately, I've realized that I'm James Potter, the guy who plays too much Quidditch, is handsome, hilarious, tricky, and utterly obsessed with Lily Evans.
A/N: Yes, I was contrasting their emotions on purpose – thanks for noticing! Anyway, leave me a review and I'll see if I can write Chapter 21 as fast as I can. :D