A/N: Another super long, sort of pivotal chapter! Yay! Haha, this one took ages for me to finish since there was so much going on, but it's done! I'm actually going on vacation on July 20th, and tomorrow (July 18th) is my birthday, so I won't be able to get much updating done until I come back, which is on July 27th. Sorry about this! I left this chapter off at the end of this term, and the new term will start again when I get back from vacation – the rest of the school will be back, and we'll have to see what happens next! Lol well, enjoy this chapter – James's is pretty happy, but Lily's is a bit different.
Lily
January 1st
Dear Diary,
Today is the start of the new year, obviously. I just got back from the party that everyone but me threw in the common room this evening, and it feels like just like Halloween, only it's infinitely worse.
At about nine, Leila and I began to get ready for the party; Kyleigh had gotten ready earlier and was downstairs with the boys, probably flirting the night away. Leila slipped into a dazzling magenta dress with a low neck that fell just below her knees, let her hair loose over her shoulders in curls, and looked as though she had gotten her make-up professionally done. She tried to do mine, but for once, I stood my ground and did not let her unleash her products over my face. I did let her work some magic over my tumbleweed-like hair though, and for once, it laid stick straight across my shoulders, like hers always did. I loved it; Leila won a few hundred hugs at that point.
For me, Leila insisted that I wear the black shirt she had given me for Christmas. I wanted to wear a camisole beneath it – I was in no mood to have my chest so exposed on New Year's Eve – but Leila wouldn't have it; "The shirt was made to make you look sexy, and you need to let it do its job," was her reasoning. We argued about it for a little while but Leila won; I wore the shirt with a short black skirt that Leila blackmailed me into putting on. I truly hated her at that moment, but I didn't tell her that.
I went downstairs to the common room then, where the music was already playing, and Sirius was (as I had suspected) flirting with Kyleigh. James was playing with noisemakers and blowing them quite loudly, while Leila laughed at him; it was a tiny party, but it was by no means a dead one. I surveyed the room, pulled my shirt down a bit, and walked in, hoping I didn't look too unexcited about it. Leila saw me first, stopped laughing with James, and hailed me over to where she was standing; I joined her at once, seeing as I had nothing else I could do.
"Leila, I've barely been here for a minute, and I already hate it," I said in her ear.
"Oh relax, Lily," she said back. "Loosen up – go dance with James."
"I don't like James; I will do no such thing," I said, watching him start a crazy jig with Peter. "Besides, he looks happy as he is."
"Well, if it makes you feel any better, darling Remus isn't really into this whole party scene either." Leila pointed at Remus, who was staring moodily into the fire, completely ignoring the party. I sighed at the sight of him and turned to Leila again.
"I know exactly how he feels," I said. "Should I go talk to him?"
"Not yet," Leila said. "Right now, its ten o'clock – talk to him at eleven thirty, and then bring him out so that we can open the new year together."
I nodded. "That sounds like a good idea."
We stood back then, chatting about how much Sirius flirted with Kyleigh, and how they would make a good couple. Leila munched on éclairs most of the time while I sipped butterbeer – we did that a lot at parties so that we could get ourselves to dance more later; we told ourselves that we had to lose the weight from the snacking, and that got us out there. I glanced at the clock a lot though, watching the minutes crawl by; at eleven eleven, Leila poked me and said, "Make a wish!"
I thought hard about it; what did I want to wish for? Well, I wished that Remus would love me as much as I loved him; would that work? I looked over to Remus, who was still motionlessly watching the fire, and made that my wish – I closed my eyes and wished that Remus would fall in love with me and be the one to open my new year with a kiss. Not on the cheek, but on the lips – I wanted a real kiss from Remus, because he was the one I had chosen, out of all the other boys I knew.
After that, Leila announced that she was beginning to feel her sugar high coming on, so she bounced over to the dance area, leaving me alone on the side. Unaffected by this, I simply took another glass of butterbeer; Leila could dance all she liked, but that didn't mean that I would join her.
Soon, James approached me, which was pretty much inevitable when I was standing alone in a very tight shirt. He grinned at me and asked me to dance. I said no, of course not, and he merely shrugged.
"That's a pity, Lily – just one dance?" he asked, offering me his hand like Chris had done so many months before.
"No thank you," I said.
James gave me his puppy-dog pleading look like he usually did when he wanted something from me, but I refused to budge. "Please James," I said. "I don't want to dance right now."
"Why not?" he asked. "Is something wrong?" He looked so interested; I just couldn't understand why – there was absolutely nothing extraordinary about me, yet he always seemed to take the trouble to talk to me and ask me about my life. I wish I knew why – he obviously saw something in me that I wasn't aware of.
"No, nothing's wrong; I just hate dancing," I said.
"That's fine; I'll lead," James bargained. "You won't have to do anything; I promise."
What the heck, I thought. I'll give the guy break. "Fine," I said. "One dance."
James's face lit up. "All right." He took my hand and led me out to the middle; once there, he gave Peter a jerk of the head, and Peter changed the song to a slow one. I could see Leila giving me a thumbs up from the side while mouthing good luck and Kyleigh was too busy smiling at Sirius to care about me. Sirius noticed us about to dance, dragged Kyleigh to the side to get her a drink, and put a fist in the air; that must have been his way of saying good luck. Remus even turned to look at us, his expression showing mild interest; my heart skipped a beat, but I looked up at James – he was my dance partner after all.
The song that began to play was one I recognized, which was good. James put one of his hands on my waist, and smiled at me; he was exactly the right height for me, I realized. Through the first verse, he twirled me around, but always brought me right back to him almost immediately; that made Sirius whistle more than once. During the chorus, he didn't let me get more than an inch away from him; he only let me have some breathing space in the second verse. I wanted to break free of the dance, tell him that I was not enjoying being so close to him, but I couldn't; James's grip was pretty strong, and everyone was watching – I didn't want to embarrass myself. So, somehow, I put up with the rest of the dance – it wasn't as hard as it could have been, because James was true to his word and didn't make me lead or anything. The last note struck and everyone on the side applauded us; James grinned and let me go finally, and I took in a few breaths of air, thankful that it didn't have the scent of James's cologne in it.
"That wasn't too bad, was it?" he asked.
"It could have been much worse, but I didn't appreciate being so close to you for so long," I told him honestly.
James laughed. "You're absolutely absurd, Lily; did you know that?"
"You might have mentioned it once or twice," I said. "Three tops."
He smirked, his eyes twinkling. "I love you, Lily."
I blushed, but chose not to respond. He was expecting that; he watched me for another moment before changing the song to a much faster one, and letting everyone come back to enjoy themselves. I knew that it wasn't eleven thirty yet, but Leila was busy and I had nothing to do – I went to sit beside Remus on the sofa where he was back to looking at the fire.
"Hey," I greeted him, smiling awkwardly.
"Hi Lily," he said, smiling back. "What happened?"
"Sorry?"
"Something bad must have happened to you if you got bored of the party and came here," he said. "I'm not exactly doing anything earth-shattering, am I?"
"Oh. Well, nothing happened; I wanted to know why you weren't enjoying the party," I said.
Remus shrugged. "I don't like parties."
"Neither do I," I said. "I'm only here because Leila forced me to."
"James said that I was too boring for my own good, Sirius agreed, and Peter dragged me down," Remus said with a rueful laugh. "That's the story of my life when it comes to these sorts of events."
"Kyleigh usually tells me that I'm boring, Leila agrees and puts me in the most obnoxious dress she can find, and both of them drag me down," I said. "What horrible friends we have."
Remus laughed. "We do have horrible friends."
His laugh made my smile a little warmer, and I gazed at him for a few moments, lost for words. Then I suggested, "Shall we go to another room for a little while, to privately talk about how terribly our friends treat us?"
"All right," Remus said pleasantly, standing up. "Where to?"
"There's a small room outside of the common room," I said. "We can go in there."
"That sounds good," Remus said. "Lead the way."
I checked once to make sure that no one was watching (they weren't), and took him out of the portrait hole to the room where James and I had argued a few days before Christmas. I sat down and he sat next to me, smiling.
"So Lily…how are things? Really?" he asked. He sounded concerned; I loved that even though I hadn't really suggested it outright, he could spot that something had been going on.
"I've been confused recently, but I think I've got it all figured out," I said truthfully.
"Really? What were you confused about?" He was still worried about me – how adorable was he?
"Oh, nothing really," I said, trying to blow it off – the real reason was so melodramatic and humiliating.
"You can trust me," Remus said, shyly and rather cautiously taking my hand. "Whatever it is, know that I'll try my best to help you."
He was trying so hard to be there for me, like I had always wanted him to be, so I decided to entrust him with the ugly truth.
"Well, its pretty much James that had been bothering me," I started off.
Remus smirked slightly and said, "I suppose in some ways that that's understandable. How so, in this case?"
"I suppose I was kind of…scared," I said. "I was scared that I liked him more than I had before. He…I didn't know what it was, but he just seemed to be on my mind more than previous occasions, and I didn't want myself to feel that way." As the words tumbled out of my mouth, I couldn't believe them; they couldn't be right! I had sorted all that out last night! But then I realized that they were true – by some means, I had gotten the right words out, and Remus was looking at me thoughtfully.
"So you're the girl who's trying to fall out of love," he said, somehow able to summarize my agony into one simple phrase.
"Yes," I answered him, relieved that he understood what I was feeling to some extent. "I don't want to love him; there are so many better boys in Hogwarts to like." As I said that, my voice strengthened and started to sound more spirited; this was where I was now – looking for a better boy. Well, I'd found him, but for the situation, what I was saying worked. "I mean, there are other smart and sensitive guys here that are so much more my type – people more like you are just so much more…pleasurable to be around."
Oops; in my momentary cockiness, I had accidentally said something stupid. Immediately, Remus went beetroot red and I realized my mistake too late. "I'm so sorry," I muttered, blushing. "That was tactless and I shouldn't have said that."
"No, it's fine," Remus dismissed, still very pink in the face though. "It's just that no girl has ever told me that they find me…likeable, in that sense."
"Really?" I asked, my curiosity getting the better of me. "You're an absolutely lovely person, Remus. You're just so patient, unassuming, and understanding – we need more people like you in the world. I don't know why such a decent, down-to-earth guy like you would hang out with arrogant airheads like James and Sirius."
I was starting to get pretty open about my crush on Remus; was he as horribly aware of it as I was? I wasn't sure; he began to redden, but smiled modestly at me. "I do appreciate that you feel that way about me, but yes, I do enjoy being around Sirius and James. You see, those two are really insightful, dedicated, considerate young men when you get them alone. If you let them wreak havoc together, however, they are the insane, immature 'airheads' that you are familiar with."
"I've spoken to both of them by themselves, but they're always the same idiots that I have learned to loathe," I said, frustrated. "I'm still not sure why you put up with them, or why so many girls are in love with them."
"Have you ever considered that maybe you see James and Sirius as morons every time because that's the way you want to see them? Have you ever thought about giving them a proper chance?" Remus asked me, his quiet voice wise. "You probably feel like you're confused about James because you've seen through the stereotype you've put him boys into – that's my guess."
I frowned, realizing that he was right. "I have never really wanted to give them a proper chance," I admitted.
Remus's smile turned very kind and he said, "That's what I thought. Why don't you try accepting James? I'm sure that if you gave him even half a chance, he'd jump on it and you'd see instantaneous results."
"That's just it," I told him. "I don't want to do that because James isn't my type, and I'm not his type either; I'm still trying to fathom why he takes any interest in me at all."
"I'm curious then," Remus said, his voice still quiet, but now embarrassed as well. "What kind of boy is your type?"
Answering his question took a little extra thought on my part – no one had ever asked me that straight out before. I had a response, but it required an honesty I wasn't sure I could give. I decided that then was the time to confess though, since I'd nursed my crush for such a long time, so with a face colored deep scarlet, I said, "Well…someone like you."
Instantly, Remus was just as scarlet as I was. "N, no, I'm not your type. You have no idea…"
"No idea about what?" I asked. His words were cutting me; what was he talking about?
"No idea about who I am," Remus said at last, after an uncomfortable minute of silence. "I assure you; I am the worst possible candidate for you."
"And you're going to try feeding me a line about how James is a good candidate for me, aren't you," I said bitterly.
"He's better for you than I am," he said again. "I won't deny that you are a lovely person though – you are – I just don't think I like you that way, or the way you think I do."
His statement, yet again, baffled me. "Well, you always blushed a lot around me, and you acted all weird…Remus, I do like you very much."
He looked lost for words; I was putting him in a bad position, and he was rather nervous. However, I decided to trust my impulse; I came forward suddenly, and kissed him.
It was both more and less than I had thought a kiss would be. It was less in the sense that it was brief (scaredy Lily struck again) and I pulled away quickly, and it was more because I had not expected to like it so much. Remus was such a bashful, gentle soul, and I guess I had always half-expected him to vanish in a puff of smoke; this time, he stayed put, and that was enough to scare me away.
"Lil, James is going to kill me," Remus told me faintly after a moment. "I'm not really the right person for you. You trust me, don't you? Then trust me when I say that we can't do this – I can't even think of you as a girlfriend; you're only ever going to be a close friend who happens to be a girl."
I couldn't say anything; how could he do that to me? I had chosen him. I had loved him passively for ages. With just a few words, he was shattering everything; it just wasn't fair.
"Don't take this the wrong way, but we could never be in a romantic relationship together," Remus went on, not looking at my face as he talked. "It's too complicated – James's crush on you is a factor to consider as well, seeing as he is one of my very good friends."
"James has nothing to do with you and me," I whispered in a hollow voice. "A relationship should be determined by feelings, not the people around us."
"Lily, this just won't work," Remus repeated, his tone sounding fairly agonized. Or maybe I was confusing it with my own. "Don't make it harder than it needs to be."
"Is this because you hate me, or is it because of James Bloody Potter?" I asked, tears beginning to well up in my eyes.
"I will never hate you," he assured me. "You are beautiful, clever, charming, and everything a boy could ever hope for. It's just that I'm not that right boy."
"Remus," I said, my voice pleading. There was so much that I wanted to say – that I liked him more than I'd ever liked any other boy, that he couldn't just break my heart like he was on New Year's Eve, that I had given him every ounce of emotion I could spare – but I couldn't say any of it. We heard the clock start to chime as well as excited titters from everyone else a few feet away; midnight was nearly there.
"I'm sorry, Lily – truly, I am," he said apologetically, his eyes finally meeting mine. "We just can't do this." He left the room, his eyes averted from me, and I could feel my insides start to fall apart. He left the door open so that I could go out as well, but I didn't – I was incapable of speech by that point, and Leila would expect me to scream when twelve o'clock came around. I wanted to scream, definitely, but not for the new year.
I felt myself fall to the ground, since my legs were no longer in the mood to support me, and I lay there – I just lay there. My hair was fanned out all over the place, and I curled up into a loose ball, distraught beyond words. I didn't have any energy anymore; the world seemed to be crashing down on me, and all I could do was let it happen while hoping for the best. I couldn't remember how to breathe. Maybe I just didn't want to remember. Either way, my breaths were shallow, and I wanted to lay there forever – I could sleep forever, and no one would notice. I knew that somewhere in these thoughts, though, the year began; an eruption of cheers came from the Gryffindor common room suddenly, and I could hear the simultaneous wail of noisemakers from where I was. They were just meaningless noises to me – my heart was broken, and the pain of it was starting to consume me.
And, while my peers opened the year with kisses, drinks, and laughter, I opened mine with a single tear down my cheek, alone on the floor in an empty, isolated little room.
I cried for what felt like ages in that tiny space; my tears were seemingly endless, and I just didn't have any energy left in me. Some time around two in the morning, I picked myself up somehow and took to my bed. Kyleigh and Leila were already sound asleep, but I couldn't sleep at all – I wrote everything down in you, my diary, and tried to feel better. I couldn't though – it seemed that love always evaded me whenever I thought I had it (one example being Chris, who never spoke to me since the Firehouse incident), and that was probably the biggest thing that hurt me when Remus rejected me; it was that, in my game of love, I had lost once again. Let me make this very clear; there is no pain in the world than the pain of not feeling loved.
I think that sleep may be good for me right now; yes, after this, I will put these muddled, hurt feelings to rest and maybe – just maybe – tomorrow will be a better day.
James
January 1st
Dear Diary,
Happy New Year!
Haha, I'm pretty excited at the moment; I had an excellent New Year's Eve. Kyleigh, Sirius, Peter, and I planned the party we threw, excited as anything that we had an excuse to make as much noise as we wanted all night long – that was always good. Screw all my weird emotions – New Year's was my time to have fun, and I did.
"We'll need lots of butterbeer," Sirius announced earlier in the afternoon, just after lunch, when we were assigning jobs for the party. "Pete, can you get that?"
"Done," Peter said, grinning.
"How do you get butterbeer if Hogsmeade is closed for the holiday?" Kyleigh asked.
"We have our sources," Sirius said airily, flashing her a wide smile. "Go now, Peter. Grab James's cloak from the dormitory."
Peter nodded and scampered off to the dormitory; after a couple of minutes, he ran back down and escaped through the portrait hole. Meanwhile, Kyleigh took out a box of trick blowing gum from Zonko's (Sirius and I had bought it enough to recognize it) and began to chew on some of it. Sirius saw it and jumped up wildly, pointing at it.
"Where did you get that? I've been looking for that gum for ages to send to my cousin Bellatrix; she hates the stuff – so why the hell are you eating it when it's a prank?!" he shouted.
"I love it," Kyleigh said with a shrug. "It was actually my Christmas present from Lily – she got me an enormous box, since she knows that I live on the stuff." She did turn pretty red as she said that, and I liked seeing it; Lily was fantastic, and if she could make Kyleigh remember that during a fight, then I was satisfied.
"Forgive her already would you?" Sirius requested. "She obviously still likes you, if she gave you a box of nearly impossible-to-find gum."
"I want to, but I don't know how to say it," Kyleigh fretted. "And, I mean, she may not even want to accept my apology; if it was me, I know that I wouldn't."
"Come on, Kyles; it's Lily," said Sirius. "She's so easy-going; she'd probably forgive you for murder."
"The poor thing is sorry – give her a break, like we've said before," I said. "You're making excuses now; you're perfectly aware that she'll welcome you back with open arms. I love Lily, and I just hate seeing her as awkward as she is around you."
"All right," she said. "I promise that some time in January, I'll try to make it up to Lily, but she had better apologize – what she did was pretty low."
"She has apologized," Sirius pointed out. "Or, at least, she's tried to. But that doesn't matter at the moment," he said, suddenly changing the subject. "Party details! Peter's off getting the butterbeer; should I ask the house elves for some chocolate?"
"Sounds good," Kyleigh said, seemingly happy to get off the topic of her best friend. "Chocolate, butterbeer…what about music?"
"I can bring out my music player," I said. "Sirius has some tracks we can play, right?"
"Definitely," he said. "Including a mushy slow one I found over the summer for you and Lily to dance to."
"Lovely," I said, grinning. "This should be good fun, wouldn't you say?"
"Hell yeah!" Kyleigh said, punching the air with her fist and laughing. "I love New Year's. Sirius, will you kiss me when midnight comes around?"
"Sure," he said, his grin almost menacing. "But only if you dance with me."
"Okay!" She laughed again.
"So, is Kyleigh officially Conquest #55?" I asked.
"Yeah," Sirius said, putting his arm around her shoulders. "She is."
"We're going out now – we decided it last night," Kyleigh explained, beaming. "Sirius is my new boyfriend!"
At that moment, Remus walked in, looking rather tired. While Sirius began to kiss Kyleigh, I turned to him and asked, "Bloody hell, you look awful; what's wrong with you?"
"I was up doing O. W. L. practices since five," Remus said, his sentence interrupted by three yawns. "I'm tired. Are you going to throw one of your bogus parties again?"
"Yeah," I said. "We are, and you're coming."
Remus sighed. "Fine. Whatever. But don't expect me to do anything rash, all right?"
"Wouldn't dream of it, Reemy," Sirius said randomly, breaking apart from Kyleigh for a moment to say it.
"Don't call me that," Remus said with a frown.
"Then come to the party," Sirius bargained.
Remus rolled his eyes. "Okay."
Sirius winked at him and began to kiss Kyleigh again. I laughed at the three of them, and said, "All right, so Remus, can you be a peach and run down to the kitchens to tell the house elves the food we want for the party?"
"What do you want for the party that I need to alert them about?" he asked, sounding quite displeased.
I summoned a piece of parchment with my wand and began to scribble down the snacks I'd had in mind. I handed the completed list to Remus, who took it grudgingly to the kitchens. Just as he left the portrait hole, Peter returned, holding several cases of butterbeer.
"Thank you," I said, taking the drinks from him and putting them on the side. "Now find the tables, Wormtail; we need to get those set up for tonight as well."
"Sure, Prongs." Peter saluted me and began to dig through the cupboard on the side, looking for the foldable tables Sirius and I had stolen for our constant usage in first year. I watched him for a few minutes before pulling Sirius away from Kyleigh.
"Sorry to interrupt, but I need to borrow my best friend so that he can show me the music he has," I said to Kyleigh.
"All right," she said agreeably. "Sirius, come back here when you're done."
"I can do that." Sirius flashed her another grin before following me up to the dormitory.
We spent the rest of the afternoon simply getting things ready. Sirius ended up having some killer music in his trunk (it took a while to find though, since it was buried under mounds of dirty clothes Sirius had been too lazy to toss into the laundry) and we spent a memorable afternoon playing with streamers and various other decorations. Kyleigh kept flirting with Sirius and distracting him from the work we actually had to do; I often threw something at them to get their attention, because it was the only way that worked. Peter helped as well, but Remus preferred studying throughout the decorating process – no amount of teasing or ridicule would change that, either, which was greatly aggravating to Sirius and me.
At long last, nine o'clock hit, and we began the music player. Sirius was completely uninterested in anything that didn't involve flirting with Kyleigh, which was kind of weird for him, but he had tons of fun dancing with her. Kyleigh had no problem staying less than inch from Sirius for pretty much the entire evening, and I found myself a bit jealous – why couldn't Lily get that close to me without flinching? I would have to test that out when she came down; Sirius had promised that he would get everyone out of the way when Lily and I took a dance to the song he had picked for us.
Remus turned out to be quite boring during the course of the party; he refused to associate with us at all. He sat on the couch and watched the fire, and whenever Sirius or I asked him to join us, he said no. Peter tried to drag him over, but Remus shot him with a hex; Peter did not try that again. I asked him why he didn't want to have a bit of fun, and he answered quite shortly.
"James, I'm not in the mood, all right? You're all dancing, flirting, and eating – not my idea of fun."
"I'm not flirting – that's Sirius," I said, gesturing at him; indeed, Sirius was letting Kyleigh feed him an éclair, and looking quite smug.
"Once Lily comes down, you'll be flirting," he pointed out.
"True, but I really want you to do something exciting tonight," I insisted. "Are you upset that you don't have a girl to flirt with?"
"No, it's not that," he said impatiently. "It's nothing – just leave me alone."
"Geez Remus; feeling a little grumpy today, are we?" I asked, grinning slightly.
"Yes, I am," he said. "I think I like a girl, but I'm trying to convince myself that I don't."
"Ooh, who is it?" I asked with interest.
"Never mind that," Remus said dismissively. "I've tried to keep myself away from her in recent days, but I just…I don't know…I think I like her, and I am trying to distance myself from her – it's just harder than I thought it would be. I remind myself of the very large reasons why I can't be with her, but it somehow doesn't matter – I like her anyway."
"That sucks," I said sympathetically. "Who is it? Why can't you date her?"
"First and foremost, I am dangerous," Remus said. "I would put her life in danger all the time. Secondly, I don't date – just, as a rule, I don't date. That's for you and Sirius, not for me. Thirdly, I can't seem to think of her romantically. I know that I like her, and I want to be with her, yet she doesn't seem to be that type of person for me. The fourth reason is one I can't tell you."
"That's mighty frustrating," I complained. "But the rest of it…mate, if you really like her, she's worth a bit of risk, isn't she? You never know what your relationship could be until you try it. Maybe she is your romantic match."
"She isn't – she can't be – but I like her anyway," Remus said. "This is all new to me, Prongs; this is the first time I've ever felt like this. I can't seem to love very well."
"Who is she, Moony?" I asked again. "Maybe if I knew who she was, I could help you."
"I can't tell you who she is," Remus repeated. "But right now, I'm in a very strange, uncharacteristic mood, and I really can't be bothered. Do you mind if I just stay with my thoughts for now?"
"Okay," I said. "And if you want to chug some butterbeer or dance or something, come out and do that, all right?"
"Thanks," he said, giving me a small smile and gazing back at the fire. I shrugged, walked back to where I had been standing before, and took out noisemakers. I blew them and Leila began to laugh as I did; that always spurred me on to clown around a little bit more, so I did – she loved it. And, at that exact moment, fate handed me the thing I had been wanting all evening – Lily; she descended down the steps into the common room, looking as beautiful as always, and took refuge next to Leila. Once her friend was there, Leila was no longer in the mood to laugh at my jokes; instead, I changed the song to a crazy jig, grabbed Peter's wrist, and we began to dance.
Peter is, and always has been, the worst dancer to ever exist; he kept stepping on my toes and tripping over his own feet. I tried to look as though I was having a good time, but in actuality, I was wishing that Lily would dance with me instead. I endured one song with Peter, a few with Leila, and several on my own, but all I could do was think about her. It was torture, having Lily stand there and talk to Leila while I was trying to distract myself; eventually, I let my instinct get the better of me, and I went to talk to her.
"Hey Lily," I said in my smoothest voice.
She rolled her eyes. "Hi James."
"Do you want a dance?" On a sudden inspiration, I remembered what that rat Chris Daniels had done to win a dance with Lily – he had acted all formal, and held out his hand. I decided to try it, since I had nothing to lose, really, but she still said no.
I needed to have a dance with her – Sirius had the song and everything ready! In desperation, I put on my irresistible puppy face, but still, she said not now. There was something in her eyes when she said it though – it was like she had someone else on her mind, which was why she was declining me. She looked almost worried; that aroused my curiosity, and of course, like it always did, that curiosity got the better of me.
"Why not? Is something wrong?" I asked.
"No; I just hate dancing," Lily said. That one I believed – Lily had never liked to dance – so I decided to strike a bargain.
"I'll lead then – you won't have to do anything," I promised. "Just one dance?"
"All right then; just one dance," Lily agreed reluctantly. Thrilled, I flashed her a smile reminiscent to the ones Sirius constantly threw at Kyleigh, and took her to the middle of the dance area. I jerked my head in Peter's direction – I had told him that when I did that, he had to put on track six, which was the song Sirius had picked for Lily and me. Sirius made sure the area was clear, put his fist up in the air to wish me good luck, and even Remus gave me a meaningful look from his spot on the sofa. Excited, I took her hand in mine, and put my free arm around her waist. She didn't look particularly happy about that, but she allowed me to, which definitely made me happy.
The song started up, and I thought about Sirius's dance with Kyleigh – the proximity between the two of them had been very close, and I had liked seeing Kyleigh's eyes light up whenever Sirius was right in her face. I tried that – I didn't let Lily get too far away from me during the whole dance, and that served me quite well. She wasn't too pleased about it – she told me after the dance was over – but it still meant the world to me that I had gotten at least one dance to do what I wanted.
I told her I loved her, once the song ended – I couldn't help it, she had said something unfairly adorable – but she blushed and scurried over to Leila. I saw her say a few words to her, then move over to Remus. Seeing her willingly sit with him and smile at him made my stomach rage with jealousy again, so I ignored them while dancing my heart out to a faster song – that was usually my method of feeling better in such a situation, and it worked.
At eleven fifty-eight, Sirius called to Peter, Leila, and me (Kyleigh was still obviously latched to his side) to start grabbing a drink to toast the New Year. I took a bottle of butterbeer and prepared to open it when midnight struck when Remus walked in, looking miserable.
"Bloody hell, Remus, you look awful," I said. "What happened?"
"Nothing," he muttered. "I can't tell you now, but I'll be all right later."
"Here's a butterbeer," I said, handing him a bottle. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to – you're still pretty upset about this girl, aren't you?"
Remus nodded. "You have no idea."
"I know how that is – I've hit bad luck with Lily Evans since I was in first year," I said. "You'll be fine; you can tell me all about this problem and this girl when you want to." It was New Year – I was feeling pretty kind.
"Thank you," he said, opening the cap of his butterbeer. "Is it time?"
His question was answered by Sirius shouting, "Three, two, one, HAPPY NEW YEAR!" He and Kyleigh clanked their bottles, took a quick sip, and kissed to open their year. I drank a sip as well, hugged Remus, Peter, and Leila, and looked around.
"Hey, do you guys know where Lily is?" I asked.
"She'll be in later," Remus said, his eyes pained. "She isn't here right now."
"Oh, okay," I said. "Where is she?"
"She's in the bathroom," he said. I knew he was lying, but I didn't want to press him further – some instinct told me that Lily needed to be left alone, and Remus wasn't in any condition to be questioned. I shrugged and shouted along with Sirius, who pounced on me with a bear hug, wishing me a Happy New Year.
We all laughed, drank, and ate for a little while longer before retiring up to the dormitory. It was only one in the morning by the time Peter, Remus, Sirius, and I got into our pajamas to go to sleep, but we figured we'd get up in a few hours to celebrate more. Peter and Remus fell asleep first, followed by Sirius (who had been chattering away about what a good kisser Kyleigh was with me), but not me; I knew I had to write about all of this. I had a great New Year's, which proved that though my emotions have been screwy lately, they haven't been controlling my life. Today, I'd had no mood swings and no strange urges for wild behavior, which was awesome. I'm feeling a whole lot better – the goofball James Potter is finally back! I'm glad; the moody James Potter was annoying.
I'm feeling quite hyper after all the butterbeer I consumed during the evening right now, so I can't write too much more – I have to bully my body into sleeping. But, never fear! The new term is going to start again in a few days, the rest of the school will come back, and I'll be sure to write again with more insane pranks and moves on Lily Evans.
A/N: Okay, I've been terrified that Remus was out of character for this chapter, so I'm going to take a quick second to explain why he acted the way he did – he told Lily that he couldn't be with her because of James, and because he couldn't think of her romantically. He was really confused about what he should think of Lily, and that made him quite agitated, especially since he couldn't tell anyone. So please don't think that he's out of character! He was written that way for a reason, but I needed to clarify that real fast. :D But I hope you liked the chapter! I'll update the next chapter in quite a long while, so review and tell me what you think of this one so that I will have reason to hop right back online when I get home and update like crazy:P