A/N: All right, change of plans; after reading through your reviews, I've decided that you were all correct – Lily's going too soft, and the story needs to pick up again. I had some doubts about posting this version of the chapter, since it's another dramatic one and I just don't like how I wrote it, but I decided to it was better than the other one – it'll all make sense in the next chapter. And since it's a bit unclear right now, I want to explain my reasoning for Lily being the way she is – I'm trying to make these characters as "real" as I can, and that means that they'll have huge, annoying faults, since they're not perfect. I chose self-doubt as Lily's and arrogance/pride for James – they'll get over it, but it'll take some time, since they're in the middle of a mess. They look different as well, from the other's point of view – they're both quite biased – so you have to develop your own idea on how they "really" are. :P But don't worry – it'll get fixed later as they develop more as characters.

Side note: Going Under and All That I'm Living For, both by Evanescence, as well as Never Again, by Kelly Clarkson and When It All Falls Apart and Leave Me Alone, both by the Veronicas, were the background selections I used to write this chapter, in case you care. Leave Me Alone in particular helped majorly with how James felt. ;D

Lily

January 13th

Dear Diary,

Normally, I'd ask what was wrong with me; but, right now, I know what is – I just can't fix it.

I'm a coward – that's what's wrong with me. I'm a coward, and I can't pull myself together. Girls get their hearts broken all the time, and they can get back on track – I can't see why I'm not able to. Well, yes, I can, but I can't do anything about it; every time I see Remus, I always feel something going on in the pit of my stomach, and I try to run away – I don't like that feeling. It kind of makes me feel nauseous, really. It's easier not to deal with it, and for once, I chose the easy path. Then, I wonder, why does it still feel like I'm doing something wrong? Why do I feel like there's something else I'm supposed to see, that I'm just not seeing? What is it? Who is it? It's so frustrating – why can't things be clear-cut so that you don't make any mistakes?

I was brooding over these thoughts when I saw Chris earlier this morning in the Entrance Hall; he was laughing with some of his friends. However, when I walked by, he bounced right up to me, and said, "Hey Lily."

"Hey Chris," I said back, giving him my fake smile; I was getting better at those.

"So, do you want to hang out with me and my friends tonight?" he asked, gesturing to the small group of jocks he had been with. The thought of being alone with them for any period of time was enough to terrify me, so I said, "No thanks."

"Why not?" he inquired. "It would be fun. You don't really know my friends – I already know yours."

"Not tonight – I have work to do," I said. "O. W. L.'s and all that – you know."

"Oh yeah," he said. "Well, that stinks. See you later!" He went back to his friends, and I left the scene; I didn't like those jocks – I recognized the blonde one who had tried to flirt with me at the pool party Kyleigh had thrown in November. It was a good thing if I was away from them.

When I was leaving though, I accidentally walked straight into James Potter, and we both fell on the ground. James looked at me curiously, and I said, "Sorry."

"Its fine," said James, still looking at me in that odd way as he helped me up from the ground. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, definitely," I said. "I fall down a lot – it's not a big deal."

"Well, I'm glad to know you're okay from the fall, but are you okay generally too?" His voice was rather anxious. "You've been…different lately."

"Have I?" Internally, I was cursing him; why did he have to be bloody observant when I didn't want him to be? I wanted to fade into the background for a little while, but no – James has to notice me.

"Yeah, and I know why," James went on.

My heart literally stopped for a moment. "You do?"

"Mhmm," said James with a nod. "Here, let's talk privately." He took my hand and led me to the side of the Entrance Hall, where there was a small passage that was currently not being used. When he got us there, he turned me to face him and looked me in the eye like I had yearned for Remus to do before; that thought made me bite my lip and hold back tears – I still wasn't sure if I could get over him.

"Lil, Remus told me about what happened on New Years with you two," James said, cutting straight to the point as usual. "I'm so sorry about it."

The fact that James Potter, of all people, now knew about what had gone down that night gave me the strength and defiance I had missed for the past fortnight; I looked at him furiously and asked, "He told you?"

"Well, I figured out the main idea, but he told me the details," James said. "Lily, are you all right?" It was the second time he'd asked me that; didn't he get it? I was not okay, and I would never tell him that.

"Yes," I said, putting all my remaining energy into an almighty glare. "Leave me alone – I don't need you to baby-sit me. We've been through this before – I can handle myself alone."

"I don't think so," said James. "You've been pretty down lately."

"So I'm upset! It doesn't matter!" I shouted at him suddenly, instantly feeling better now that I could scream away all the pent-up feelings I'd been hiding for what felt like such a long time. "I'm going to be okay, and I can do it on my own! Are you trying to doubt my capability to keep myself afloat?"

"No, of course not," he told me hastily; he was obviously frightened by my outburst, and that inspired me to continue.

"Then why do you keep asking me if I'm okay?" Yeah James; answer that.

"Because I care about you," James said simply. "That's just how it is. I want to know if you need me."

"I don't!" I yelled, feeling tears brimming in my eyes. Frustrated, I tried to hold them in and continued to gaze at him in anger. "James, leave me alone!"

He stood, motionless, in front of me while I literally shook with emotions I could no longer contain; he looked almost tired, but then there was a glint of anger in his eyes too. "All right," he said finally. "I'm done. I'll leave you alone. It's apparent that you're too damn stubborn to be reasoned with, and I'm not going to bother this time."

"I may be stubborn, but you insist on fussing over me!" I cried out. "I don't want that! I want…" I almost said I wanted someone to love me, but I knew it sounded far too babyish – not to mention melodramatic – so I cut myself short and said, "I want to be left alone. I don't want you to be into my business all the time. So you know about Remus and me! So what? It didn't work out, did it? There's nothing more to be done, and especially not by you."

"I know you're distressed over this whole affair, but that's no reason to tell me off," James said icily. "I don't fuss over you either – I just check in with you to see if you're okay. That's common courtesy."

"I'm not bloody distressed!" I lashed out at him, a tear finally escaping from my eyes; I brushed it away quickly though, hoping he hadn't seen it. But he had; his eyes softened ever so slightly.

"Lil, can you be rational now? Please?" he requested.

"NO!" This word was the one I bellowed the loudest; people turned to stare at us, but it was irrelevant – I wasn't even sure what was coming over me. All I knew was that I was angry, and I needed to leave. So I did; I turned on my heel and stormed up the stairs, distraught. In what felt like a blur, I glided through the corridors, trying hard to contain my tears as people watched; why did they have to look at me? There were other people in the school – why was it me that they took an interest in? I got through the portrait hole, ignored all the Gryffindors who began to whisper about the prefect, Lily Evans, about ready to bawl, and went into my dormitory. I took refuge on my bed; I put my face into my pillow and hugged it tightly.

James didn't look or talk to me the rest of the day; he didn't flirt either, which provided some relief. However, his silence spoke louder than words; he was really annoyed at the things I'd done earlier. I felt bad, somewhere deep down, but I didn't say anything. I couldn't say anything – the bracelet he had given me kept feeling heavier and heavier, and with the combined weight of my existing guilt, I was surprised the school didn't cave in. It was so weird – I was filled with so much anguish, remorse, and helplessness (which made me feel angry – really angry, like I'd felt when James had been questioning me), yet I couldn't release any of it in a healthy way. I wanted to cry my eyes out, but that desire sickened me, because it was such a babyish thing to do. What could I do?

I wanted someone to be on my side. That's all. Just someone I could trust with the dirty details – someone who would be able to somehow give me what I needed to be normal again. I adore Kyleigh and Leila, and I would trust them with everything…except this; this is something that Kyleigh and Leila can't understand. Somehow, they just aren't the type of people I could trust with what was going on. I would be in it alone, it seemed. Just like I'd told James. Alone. How daunting it sounded when that evil little voice in the back of my head said it.

I'm done, diary; I'm done with everything, like James is. I'm going to ditch the rest of my classes today, and I'm going to sleep. It's just not worth it anymore.

James

January 13th

Dear Diary,

I never thought the day would come, but I'm seriously pissed at Lily Evans.

It started off this morning, after my detention; McGonagall decided that since I seemed to have such an interest in bugs and Herbology, I should help clean out the greenhouses with Professor Sprout after the first years were done without magic. It was no picnic – those first years really know how to make a mess – but I finished it fairly fast, because I'm just madly awesome like that. After I was done, I joined Sirius, Remus, and Peter in the common room, and we went down to class together. Nothing much happened then; things obviously happened, but they're not worthy of mention, since they were not important.

During my break – when the whole ordeal with Lily happened – I had been hanging around near the Great Hall; I was bored, and I couldn't really talk to my friends. I was in a weird mood – all I desperately wanted to do was see if Lily was all right. I still cared about her, and seeing her so wounded frightened me – I was dying to see if she needed any help. But how would I ask? Even when she wasn't on top of things, she still had a wicked temper.

I thought about this as I walked moodily down to the Entrance Hall; I was so lost in my own world that I walked headfirst into Lily herself. We both fell to the ground, since we had both not been paying attention, and I looked at her, startled. Lily looked awful up close – she appeared to be tremendously exhausted, and as though she had just thrown on some clothes in the morning without bothering to brush her hair or anything. I stood up and helped her up as well, but I kept my gaze questioning all the while; what was she hiding from the world?

"Are you okay?" I asked once she was ready to leave.

"Oh yeah, definitely," said Lily. "I fall down a lot – it's not that big of a deal."

"Well, I'm glad to know you're okay from the fall, but are you okay generally too? You've been…different lately," I said. Once that one came out of my mouth, I had Lily's attention; she looked at me with horrified astonishment.

"Have I?"

"Yeah, and I know why." I couldn't help saying that – I did know, and I felt pleased because I knew that she didn't want the reason to be common knowledge around the school.

"You do?" Was it just me, or did she sound scared?

"Mhmm." I felt so proud – I knew! "Here, why don't we go over there and talk privately?" I gestured to a corridor on the side of the Entrance Hall which Sirius and I used a lot when we wanted privacy. Lily shrugged and let me lead her to it; once we were there, I turned her so that she was looking at my face. I never liked to beat around the bush – ever – so I started off by saying, "Lil, Remus told me about what happened on New Years with you two, and I'm so sorry about it."

"He told you?" I'd done it; I had confirmed her fears, and she was now absolutely furious – I had been right to be afraid when I was thinking about confronting her. All the lethargy so clear on her face moments ago vanished as she realized I knew what was supposed to be a secret.

"Well, I figured out the main idea and got him to tell me the details," I corrected, so that Lily wouldn't be too enraged with Remus. "Lily, are you all right?" I had already asked this question, but I had not gotten the very specific answer I wanted.

"Yes," she snapped, her glare still very nasty. "Leave me alone – I don't need you to baby-sit me. We've been through this before – I can handle myself alone."

Uh oh; she was starting to take this the wrong direction. However, I felt it was important to tell her what was on my mind. "I don't think so; you've been pretty down lately."

"So I'm upset! It doesn't matter! I'm going to be okay, and I can do it on my own! Are you trying to doubt my capability to keep myself afloat?" Now she was getting hysterical and rather loud – not good at all. But somehow, at that point, I couldn't get mad at her; she was troubled to the point of near-insanity, and she was Lily – my Lily. That was why I tried to fix the situation by saying, "No, of course not."

"Then why do you keep asking me if I'm okay?"

"Because I care about you; that's just how it is. I want to know if you need me." That was the honest truth – it was my reasoning for everything I ever did for her. However, in that situation, it was the wrong thing to say, because she got even more frenzied.

"I don't need you! James, leave me alone!" Tears were in her eyes – and I could see them – and I just hated tears. After they started to come to me at times, I couldn't stand too much of them. My annoyance level began to rise; she was always so rude. She never let me help. She never let me do anything – she just blew me off every single goddamn time I tried to do something for her. I was sick of it – it was neither fair nor sensible. I knew what was going on – it wasn't like I didn't – and I made allowances, but I couldn't allow her to talk to me that way. I straightened up then, and kept my eyes hard.

"All right," I said at last. "I'm done. I'll leave you alone. It's apparent that you're too damn stubborn to be reasoned with, and I'm not going to bother this time." After those words came, I couldn't believe it – had I really said that? Was I really done with Lily? It couldn't be possible – I was in love with her! I couldn't be done with her!

Lily didn't share my views though. "I may be stubborn, but you insist on fussing over me!" she shouted. "I don't want that! I want to be left alone, and I don't want you to be in my business all the time. So what if you know about Remus and me! So what? It didn't work out, did it? There's nothing more to be done, and especially not by you.

That was it. She had me pissed. Who the hell did she think she was? However, I held my temper somehow (she was so lucky; if it had been anyone – anyone – else, they would have been dead) and said, "Look, I know you're distressed over this whole affair, but that's no reason to tell me off. I don't fuss over you either – I just check in with you to see if you're okay. That's not fuss – that's common courtesy." I just had to add that last part in – Lily seemed to be having problems remembering what common courtesy was.

"I'm not bloody distressed!" She was crying full out now, actually shaking, and that may have made me a little softer, it didn't clear her from her madness.

"Lil, can you be rational now? Please?" I wanted to give her one more chance before I gave up on her – she was Lily Evans after all.

"NO!" She bellowed this last word at me and flew up the stairs, probably to cry more in her dormitory. I was left, standing there like an idiot with people staring at me, wondering what on earth I must have done to her; I absolutely loved that. And, to make matters worse, Sirius turned up with Kyleigh, his hand in her shirt, obviously looking for a private place to snog her.

"Bloody hell, James; what did you to Evans to make her freak out like that?" he asked.

"Never mind – I'll tell you later," I said bitterly. "Damn her."

"What happened?" Kyleigh asked worriedly, taking Sirius's hand off of her (to which he groaned loudly) as she looked to me.

"You know what? I've had it," I said. "I'm done with her."

"What did she do?" Kyleigh asked again, more sympathetic this time.

"She's going ballistic because she thinks I baby her," I said. "She thinks that just because I ask her if she's okay, I'm fussing over her. She thinks I doubt her ability to get back into the swing of life after…after recent events. It's just…I'm done. I'm tired of her going crazy over everything and consequently ruining my life."

"Recent events?" Kyleigh's expression was so confused that I knew Lily must not have confided in her about Remus.

"I was right?" Sirius inquired.

"Yeah," I said grudgingly.

"Woo! I told you!" Sirius did a little victory dance for me, while I rolled my eyes and Kyleigh questioned, "What events?"

"Look, if Lily wants to tell you, she will; I figured it out myself," I said. "I'll tell you about what happened just now in a few hours – I'm pissed and I need to be alone."

"Right-o, mate," said Sirius, saluting me as he put his hand back in its original spot. "Come here, Kyles."

"Of course," she said, giggling as she leaned in for a kiss, which Sirius willingly gave. I turned my head away and left them alone, in thought again. That run-in with Lily really opened my eyes to how much she irritated me, and it left me unsure about my opinions, which almost never happened. Do I still love her? Sure, I'll end up forgiving her for making me look like a fool, but that doesn't mean I'll necessarily love her again.

I went back to class after the break was over, but Lily wasn't there. She didn't come to class for the rest of the day – which was really unlike her – but I thought it all worked out, because if I saw her, bad things could happen with my temper. Peter was the first to notice Lily's absence during Charms, however.

"Hey James, do you know where Lily is?" he whispered. "I don't see her."

"Probably in her dormitory or something," I whispered back gloomily. "We had a row during the break."

"Is she all right?" Remus asked, his eyes ablaze with fret.

"I was trying to find out when she blew up at me for no reason," I said, hoping I didn't sound as saddened as I felt.

"Leave her alone," Sirius advised. "She's not worth it, mate – not until you kiss her, which she's not going to let you do any time soon."

"Thanks Sirius," I said sardonically. "But that's what I'm going to do – no more Lily Evans for me. I'm sick of her."

"Finally!" Peter high-fived me, as did Sirius, but Remus looked apprehensive again.

"James, she's got enough on her plate without you ending it so coldly," he said.

"Moony, you weren't there with me when we were arguing," I told him. "You don't understand how awful she made me look and feel. I'm not going to go through this every time she has a mood – I'm done. It's no use – she's always rejecting me anyway. All she does is fight with me. She's never going to love me back, and you know what? I'm not going to stick around if there's nothing in it for me."

"I suppose," Remus said slowly. "But James –"

"No," I said, cutting him off. "I'm done. For good."

"Nice!" Sirius said, high-fiving me again. "Do you want me to hook you up with someone? I know Veronica, my old conquest, would be available."

"No, thanks," I said. "I have to deal with Regina and get myself single before I got out with other girls."

"Hey, would Veronica like me?" Peter asked interestedly.

"No," Sirius said bluntly, grinning. "Sorry, Pete."

I couldn't laugh. "I need Regina off my back before I can do anything with anyone, but thanks, Pads."

"No problem," Sirius said brightly, thumping me on the back. "Now quick; pretend to take notes so that Flitwick doesn't get suspicious."

"Right," I said, scrambling for my quill.

Once all my classes and dinner were over, I took to my bed in my dormitory. I had not seen Lily once since our fight; now was when I started to wonder if she was okay. But I shook myself mentally – it doesn't matter anymore. She wouldn't want me to wonder that anyway; she'd bite my head off for it. Would she still do that if she knew how much I loved her? I wasn't sure anymore.

You know what I think I need? I need some time off, some time away from the castle – mostly away from Lily. My thoughts are completely jumbled, and a mini holiday would be perfect for me – I know it would. I may even arrange one; after this latest with Lily Evans, a vacation would be a bit of a relief.

A/N: Yes, James wants a vacation. Will he act on it? He just might…! Lol but this was a very over-emotional Lily – she'll recover a little in the next entry. I'm annoyed with her too, to be quite honest, but hey – she's been knocked clean off her feet and has no idea what she wants anymore. It's now up to you whether or not you hate her, since it could go either way; but whatever you choose, she'll be punished soundly in the next chapter. ;D Anyway, review! I'd like to know what you think, even though I have a good idea what it is already. :P