A/N: Okay, I lied; Lily is not going to calm down yet. But she will be punished – James has seen to that, because he was pretty mad in the last chapter. In this chapter though, it's pretty emotional for Lily – she's not quite okay yet, like I said, and she's being a huge drama queen. Bear with her please – she's very upset right now, but shall be all right in about a week (in the story – not in real life, lol). But there's another quick plot twist – hooray! And I hope I've been updating fast enough for you! xD

Lily

January 16th

Dear Diary,

James left school early this morning.

No one's seen him all day. He's not in the Hospital Wing, he's not in his dormitory, and he's not anywhere else; the teachers say it's because his aunt is ill and he's gone to visit her, but I don't believe it. It's too much of a coincidence that James leaves school a couple of days after a huge fight with me – I think it's my fault. Another thing to add to a growing list.

I just don't know why I can't get it all together again. It's so easy for everyone else – why not me? Now I've got something else weird going on in my screwed-up head – it's always been second-nature for me to hate James when he's right in front of me (a prime example being the last time I wrote), yet when he doesn't anything out of the ordinary, it sends shock waves through my systems. Is he leaving Hogwarts to punish me for pissing him off, or is he testing how long I'll go without cracking? So many questions, yet no answers – none that make sense anyway. That's how life is for me right now – full of anger, surprise, and mood swings – and I just can't stand it.

Kyleigh, since she had apparently seen James after I yelled at him, seems to think I'm to blame for his leaving. Secretly, I think that she's right, but I didn't tell her that when she accused me of it.

"It's not my fault if he decides to bloody run away," I told her heatedly.

"Lily, you fought with him last, and you really upset him," she said. "He told me what happened. And you can see it in the way he looks at you."

"Everything is my fault, isn't it," I shouted. "Yes, if something goes wrong, just blame Lily, because there's no one else in the world to bloody blame!" Those handy tears were back; they were always on the surface, ready for the next time I wanted to lash out at someone.

"I'm sorry, but that's what I think," Kyleigh said defensively, crossing her arms. "You're always making him miserable."

"Why are you never on my side?" I cried out loud enough for the entire common room to turn and stare at me. "Why can't you ever spare me the blame? Every single time I do anything, you always try to pin it down to me! Well, what if it wasn't me? What would you say? Would you come crawling back to me weeks later, and ask me to forgive you for being a bitch like you did the last time? Kyles, I'm sick of this!"

"So am I!" she hollered back. "Lily, it was your fault both of those times – what am I supposed to do about it besides point it out?"

"You're supposed to be on my side!" I was always feeling distraught and on the edge, and shouting at the top of my lungs helped a little bit. "All you can do is push me around and hold me responsible for everything! Why can't you ever understand where I'm coming from? Kyleigh, are you even my friend?"

"I try to be, but you make it rather difficult!" Kyleigh countered. "You never know what you want, and you never take charge of yourself – if you can't do it, someone has to. I'm trying to help you, and you never let me!"

I wanted to pull my hair out, my anger was so vast. "YOU KNOW BLOODY WELL THAT YOU DON'T HELP ME!" I raged. "You leave me alone, Kyleigh; I want nothing more to do with you! Don't even try asking to be friends again – I'm sick of you."

"I won't!" she shot back at me. "And the next time you're lying in your room alone on a Saturday night doing your bloody O. W. L. papers, you remember me and all I did to get you to have a good time."

"Yes, I'll definitely remember the sluttish dresses you forced me to wear and your constant need to flirt with every guy in our year," I roared. "And when I successfully pass my O. W. L.'s and you're completely drunk in some godforsaken corner of the school, you remember me."

"I shall!" She huffed off and I huffed off; I went to my dormitory and she went elsewhere – I don't even know where the hell she went. I just cried for the fifth time in the week, but lying still didn't help. I got up and paced my room, trying to calm down. I couldn't; while I cried, I threw things around the room. Whatever I could find, I threw really; books, clothes, and small items were tossed everywhere, and quite honestly, I did not really care what they were. I fell to the ground after a while, and there I rested, sobbing, while pulling at my hair. I did it hard enough that it hurt, but not enough that it came out of my scalp. It helped; the physical pain was so much easier to deal with than the emotional pain.

I even managed to fall asleep there, in the middle of the mess that used to be my dormitory; but it was only for about an hour before Leila shook me awake, shock written all over her face.

"Lily, what the hell is going on?" she asked fearfully. "Kyleigh is throwing a fit downstairs, and then I walk up here to see you lying in here."

"Kyleigh isn't any friend of mine," I said weakly. "We fought, and I know now that she was never my friend. Who was I kidding?"

"Lils, it's all a big misunderstanding," she tried to tell me.

"I understand it perfectly fine, and so does Kyleigh," I said. "Leila, please; leave me alone."

"I can't," she said. "What happened with you and James a couple of days ago? Kyleigh says that you had a row, and that's why he left."

I sighed and explained the disastrous events that had taken place a few days back. When I finished, Leila's head was in her hands and she was quite exasperated. She sat down on the floor with me and said, "Lily, that was mighty stupid of you."

"I know, I know, but I don't know what's coming over me lately," I said, attempting to explain all the anguish that had been surging inside of me in recent weeks. "I keep losing my temper, and now I think that though I didn't like to hear it, Kyleigh was right – maybe it was my fault James left."

"I'll admit that I think you're probably a big part of that decision, but I wouldn't say it was all your fault," Leila said, pondering. "But look – you even said that Kyleigh was right. Can't you two make up? I hate watching you fight."

I shook my head. "Not this time. I'm tired of her putting everything on me, Leils; half the time, I'm not even sure why she's friends with me – she likes to push me around and when there's something going wrong, put the fault on me. I've gone with it for years – this was just one time too many. I had to stand up to her and tell her, bug off – you know what I mean?"

"I do, but you should have talked peacefully to her rather than have an argument with her," she said.

"There's a lot going on that you don't know about," I said. "You don't understand how I'm feeling."

"Well, then help me to," Leila said. "What's going on, Lils?"

I had never intended for Leila to know what had happened between Remus and me, but I was worn-out. I needed someone to help me. I couldn't go through this alone – I knew that, no matter how much I isolated myself. So that was why I told Leila the story of my first broken heart, and to never tell Kyleigh about it. When I was done, Leila was hugging me tightly and I was crying all over again on her shoulder.

"Lil, that's horrible," she said as she continued to hug me. "I can't believe it; Remus!"

"I'm being pathetic, and I can't get over him," I sobbed. "I either feel irate or just sluggish. I don't know how to fix myself up."

"That's because no one knew about it besides Remus, and now James does too," she said. "And I mean, what happened was a blow, yes, but you're trying to mend it in very unhealthy ways."

"What should I do?" I asked, craving anything to get me out of my personal hell.

"I think you should talk to him about it, and go back to the things you used to do," Leila said. "And don't freak out over everything – just calm down and stay calm. You'll be all right, Lils – you can hold out."

I looked down at the ground sadly. "I never thought that this would ever happen, Leila…I hate it more than you can imagine. I can't calm down, I can't be all right; I lied to James, and I tried to kid myself." This sent me into waterworks again; I buried my head into my knees and cried a little bit more.

Leila put her hand on my shoulder, and patted it semi-awkwardly. "Lily, relax, like I said. Deep breath. Come on, Lil – breathe."

I took a shallow breath and looked up at her with my tear-strained face. "Like that?"

"Yeah," she said, smiling slightly. "A little more. Come on – you can do it. Deep breath."

I took a deeper breath and discovered that I did actually feel a little better. I took another one without her telling me to, and I took even more after that before lying back on the floor, staring at the ceiling.

"Do you want to be alone?" Leila asked gently.

I was about to nod, but I changed my mind; I shook my head for the second time. "No," I said. "Stay with me. Please."

Leila wordlessly lay down next to me and took my hand; more grateful than I could say, I let her, and together, we stared at the ceiling, lost in our own thoughts. Our silences said more than words ever could though, like the case with James; I knew what she was feeling, and she had a rough idea of how I felt. It was so nice, having someone with me; I'd had no idea how much I'd needed company. Leila was annoying, ditzy, and rather brainless at times, but she was truly my best friend – no one else would lie on the floor with you in the middle of a bomb-blast dormitory because your first true crush rejected you.

After about an hour, she had to leave, but I let her; I was feeling a little bit better. I didn't get up though; I continued to lie on the floor all evening. Homework could wait – I'd already done it all anyway. And if I hadn't, well, nothing mattered anymore – I could get in trouble. It would be my first time; no one would care. They'd be amused, if anything. Whatever. I didn't care about them; I only cared about Remus and Leila.

I didn't eat dinner because I wasn't hungry either; at home, I wouldn't have been allowed to skip a meal. That was one of the best things about Hogwarts though – I could do what I wanted without parental interruption. So I didn't eat, and though my stomach was feeling uncomfortably empty, I didn't care; I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to see Kyleigh, and I felt like I'd throw up if anything went into my body anyway. Sort of a win-win, yet lose-lose situation.

I slept on the floor while in the middle of my thoughts – I'm awake now, at about eleven, because I was hungry; my stomach does that sometimes, where it wakes me up to eat because it knows I haven't. I'm not eating though, no matter what, so I guess I'll do my neglected homework or something. Everyone in my dormitory is asleep, and has already cleaned up the items that I threw around that belonged to them – they would know it was me because I was asleep in the middle of it all. Most of the stuff strewn was mine, however, so there's still a lot of mess in our room.

I think I'll just get a glass of water and do my homework now – my stomach is killing me, and I have nothing better to do. I'll write again soon – probably tomorrow, considering how things have been going for me. No, wait; I'll write again when I find out where James is – that's a better option. I need to know if it's my fault he's gone; I need to know if there's one more thing that I'm guilty of causing.

James

January 16th

Dear Diary,

As I write, I am pleased to say that I'm not in Hogwarts castle.

Yup, I wrote it right – I'm not in school right now. I'm in Room Fourteen of the Leaky Cauldron's miniature hotel, sitting on the rented bed I get to use for a discounted fifty Galleons a night. I've already asked Sirius to deliver my forged note to Professor McGonagall (we're professionals at that sort of stuff) and now I'm on a well-deserved, during-school, week-long vacation.

Why am I on vacation, you ask? Well, that can be answered in two simple words – Lily Evans. Lily Evans has been getting on my nerves lately, and I've found that I need time away without the distraction of school; the only way I could think to do that was to visit the Leaky Cauldron – it's right near Diagon Alley, so I can hang out there all day.

It took a lot of skillful planning to get here – planning that could not have been done by anyone but me and my friends. First of all, I had to get "permission" so that the teachers wouldn't come find me and drag me back. That wasn't a big problem; Sirius has a magical forgery quill that he used to write a note from my mother. That would work for McGonagall – I knew how to sound like my mum, who she kept in touch with because of my delinquency habits.

Second of all, there was the work itself that needed to be kept up with. That was for Remus; Remus had not been thrilled with my sudden, rash plan, and after hours of persuasion, he had agreed to help us if I was sent assignments by owl. I said okay, and Remus wrote himself a memo to faithfully send me my work – I knew that he wouldn't forget if he did that. I would have laughed at him and said no way, please don't torture me, but it was just easier if you went with whatever Remus said nowadays; he was still sort of touchy after the Lily business.

Third was transportation – I ended up going to Hogsmeade on foot, calling the Knight Bus, and having it take me London. It was a very straightforward method, yeah, but it still took me a surprising amount of time to come up with it. I was having a brain freeze or something – I don't know.

Once I got to the Leaky Cauldron though, everything was very smooth – I got a room, went in with my bag, and unpacked. An owl was already waiting for me – it was Remus, requesting that I please send a message when I got in. I snorted and sent him a note saying yes, I was safe – relax, breathe. The owl flew off, and I was alone again; I gave out a sigh of relief before flopping on my bed and taking this stupid book out. The only reason for that was because I needed to gloat about my success though, I swear!

Now that I'm here, however, I'm going to do what I was here to do – think without distraction. I need to think long and hard about my priorities, which is roughly translated to thinking long and hard about Lily.

Lily…oh how I love her. Even when I'm irritated with her, I still feel that seemingly – and probably – unbreakable pull towards her. She had been extremely and incredibly bitchy a few days ago, and that got me thinking – was it time to give her up for good? It seemed so.

I don't even know how I feel about her anymore – I have to keep asking myself, do I still love her? I never knew the day would come when I questioned that for longer than twenty-four hours, but I have never felt so unsure about myself or of her. Yeah, I'm James Potter – Gryffindor Chaser, Quidditch hero, "the ladies' man" – but I'm also James Potter – a-little-over-average teenage guy who is hopelessly in love. My fame among the school doesn't mean anything unless I have the mind space to enjoy it. All my mind space is, at the moment, being used to balance my newly-acquired confusion; which I have a lot of thanks to Lily Evans.

Speaking technically, I'm not even supposed to be thinking about Lily right now. I'm supposed to be thinking about other things – like how to get rid of Regina. Ugh, I desperately need to get rid of her, and to do that, I need to put my amazing brain to work; what better place to do it than Diagon Alley, where I can relax as I think? But I can't focus on that – all I can think about is Lily, through force of habit, and of worry. Is she all right? Yeah, she said she was, but I didn't trust that – Lily was tough, but she was still capable of getting a situation she couldn't handle. I hoped that if things got bad, my friends – especially Remus – would care for her.

Anyway, I've just realized that I'm really hungry – Florean Fortesque's Ice Cream Parlor is having a sale (get a shake, a sundae, and three scoops of any flavor, and they give you thirty percent off of your next purchase!), so I'd best be going. If all goes well, I should be up to my neck in delicious ice cream and you, my inanimate diary, won't hear from me again for a few days.

A/N: Yes, James left! No, Kyleigh's probably not going to be Lily's friend again for the rest of the story! Yes, Lily's a drama queen! Yes, James is super hungry! Lol so much to say, so much to feel! Leave me a review; I must know how you take this drama-filled chapter. :)

By the way, sorry about the short length of James's entry – he didn't have as much to say as Lily did, and it'll be that way for the week he's gone. See, James's leaving causes more problems than it fixes, and Lily has a lot to say, unlike James, who is going to be shopping, eating ice cream, and thinking about her occasionally. :P So yeah – just have to make that clear.